Finally Getting Somewhere...After Being Lost For So Long

Boy Mama

2011-08-27T14:36:00.005-08:00

My boys turned 6 and 8 this year. They decided they wanted to play soccer and Tot t-ball. Love watching their games, which is something I never thought I would say, since I had to go and watch my older brother play every sport imaginable.

It's different being the mom. I love it! I am so proud of them for trying their best all the time!

Writing finally

2011-02-23T13:53:00.005-09:00

Jeez, I can't believe I haven't written anything since Father's Day. This year has brought two birthdays. Tot turned 5, and S. turned 8. They are now in grades kindergarten and 2ND. Now I officially have no babies. Tot, 5

S, 8

Luckily, our kinder. is half-day only.

I'm ready to do something for me, and I'm not talking about a massage or gym membership. I want to work at something I love. I just don't know what that is. I tell myself I could volunteer somewhere next year somewhere since my kids will be all day. Maybe it'd even lead to a job. Then I see my boys' faces when they're getting off the bus, and I think to myself 'how can I not be there?'

I've taught all my adult life, and even though I loved the kids and creativity, and hell, yes the schedule, I don't see myself in education. It's not the schools we remember. I often said if it were just me and the kids I'd go back ASAP. But it's not. It's mainly difficult parents and an administration who does not back up their teacher in any way. It's full-inclusion not mainstreaming where children with disabilities go to the regular ed. subjects they do well in, even if it's just PE. etc. It may mean a child who does well in math, that child will go to the reg. ed. room where he can best be served. Full-inclusion means everything, everyone. Every child even one with severe behavior problems, are put into the everyday classroom even if this ends up being bad for the class. (I had that dynamic in my classroom.) The other children have no rights essentially. My first year I had a child who was in a wheelchair, was only at the level of a 2-year old, didn't talk at all, needed his diapers to be changed and is fed through a g-tube. He also need a nap.

I am not completely anti-inclusion. I think a child with a minor learning disability and such, can be beneficial. But our district, the very one my son goes to and I taught at, does full-inclusion because it's cheaper. That's the bottom line. That poor kid in the wheelchair loved a computer program that made a lot of noise, so he couldn't do it in class. What good is it for him to be there staring at the wall?

I guess this is all beside the point. I'm not going back to teaching even though there are parts of it that I miss. What else can I do? I have no idea. I want to go back to get my master's in psychology. I already have a minor in it. After all my problems I think I may be able to help other women. I know that profession also has it's own shit to deal with; none is perfect. Anyway, that's too expensive. I'd have to pay the tuition, get a quality sitter and learn new technologies that weren't being used when I left the working world. I just need something that is mine, but I don't know what it is. It gets pretty lonely around here at times. I am not made to sit around. Yes, I have errands, Bible Studies, and classes with other mothers. It's just not fulfilling me like it used to. I'm the mom of older boys. Both boys who can even buckle themselves in the car and zip up their own coats. Hell, they even do their homework without pleading.

Onto making dinner. Oh, yeah. Then to church. I know I'll be happy I went.

Father's Day

2010-06-20T17:33:00.001-08:00

Happy Father's Day to the most wonderful man-my husband:)

Always Something That Needs to Be Done!

2010-06-18T19:58:00.003-08:00

Why does it seem that everything has to be done at once. The brand new air-conditioner has been making a high-pitched whistle every time it is on. It was 90 today, so that was pretty much all day! We've had problems with our landscaping company, and the owner won't call me back. Am I THAT scary at only 5'4"? Idiots! Also, youngest needs to have an x-ray of his neck for his pulmonologist ASAP! I had to make an appt. for Tot's Kindergarten physical.; I still can't talk about my baby going to school. My boys need swim lessons again, and I have yet to turn in the forms. Sorted through clothes for Goodwill, and dropped those off, but now need to sort through toys. Jeez, have my kids accumulated stuff! After going through the mudroom, the room where everything is just thrown, I found the dress-shirts my husband needs for an important conference. Brought those to the dry cleaner. Will pick-up tomorrow. Found new gym shoes for S. since his toe went through the top of his old shoes. Signed Tot up for Soccer, and forgot to bring his birth certificate. Had to go back, and he is now all set! I'm leading a part of VBS at our church. I had to go yesterday to make sure everything was sorted. I ordered pictures through Shutterfly, and I now have to put them in albums. I've never gotten to go shorts shopping yet. I think that's why I end up wearing the same year after year...

I have made a lot of progress though. I've learned to prioritize each job. Everything I cross off my list makes me feel good. It's a lot of work. I thought the baby days were full. Now my days are full of boy/kid things. It's not less satisfying, it's just different, and change is not my strong-point.

The Past and the Present

2010-06-14T16:41:00.003-08:00

I haven't really known what to write here lately. Ever since I found out that a person from the small town I lived in for 4 1/2 years, was reading I've been afraid of saying something too personal. I know, I know, I've been writing personal things here for over four years, but knowing that a person who knows me is reading just feels weird. What makes it worse is I don't know who this person is. I only know they're from the very small town I left long ago.

I only know a few people who still live in small town, a very few---like two. The people that I hung out with have been long gone from there, and don't miss it a bit. So if one of those people were reading I don't really think they'd be writing down that they are from the town they are glad to be away from, but who knows for certain. Which leaves me to people I dated, one in particular, or friends of his that I don't know if they're still there or what. There are just things I don't want people to know. I know that a friend of his could be reading and then tells him or someone I forgot about. I think generally we all want to show people from our past how wonderful we are doing without them, or leaving a town so small that the one time, recently, I drove in there, I developed anxiety big time.

It was this anxiety that caused me to rethink my relationship all those years ago. I am not a person who likes nature, which is not a good way to be since nature abounds there. I am not a person who ever wanted to get pregnant in high school, or soon after, and get married. To expect that would be my life. I am not a person who can live in an area that seems so depressed. There's not a lot of jobs there, and what there is are not what I'd want to do. I went to college, and all of my friends who did, are gone. I felt like I never belonged, or did for only a few years , but I wasn't like anyone there. I like bigger towns and all that entails...dare I say that? I just wanted more. I knew I'd never be happy there, so I had to let go of the past. The past that included my long-time boyfriend. I loved it here, and we were just too different.
So, you see, I don't want those people to know I had trouble getting pregnant, or experienced depression or anything that would make people think that I'm not the person I wanted to be. That life in 'the big city' isn't going so well. That I somehow failed. Who would?
What I would like those people to see is my wonderful husband. The perfect man for me. My rock. I would like them to see would a nice life I have. Other than my mom dying, this is pretty much how I'd always wanted it to be. To see that I graduated college and became what I'd always wanted and said I'd become. A teacher. To see that I worked in one of the most coveted districts in the state, and did very well thank-you-very-much. To see that I left my career knowing full well I was leaving that job, and may never return to it again. To see I did it for two beautiful little boys that may make me crazy, but ultimately are two of the greatest joys of my life. To see that even though I said I would always work, that nothing makes me happier than being with them. To see we live in a nice area, house, with wonderful neighbors. The kind that talk to one another in front of our houses when it's warm. Who have helped in unimaginable ways. To see that I really did marry the man of my dreams. We are so alike in all the big stuff, like finances and raising the kids well. To see I am more than infertility and depression. I am a whole person. I've come a long way baby...

Happy Mother's Day!

2010-05-09T14:33:00.001-08:00

If you still have your mom, give her a hug or call. We aren't promised anything in life.

The Club No one Wants To Join

2010-05-04T10:56:00.005-08:00

What can I say to a woman who lost her mom a month ago? Should I tell her that the first year is the hardest, even though it's only been a month? Should I tell her it sucks that your mom won't see your children grow up, and in my case, won't even meet my youngest? Should I tell her that you can try to make yourself busy, but you can't avoid the pain forever. Should I tell her how it's the smallest things that just pop up that make her cry. It could be a store they went in to together, or the realization that she can't just call her mom up anymore. Should I tell her that even though it's been years, I still cry and feel that pit in my stomach when I miss her? Should I tell her the holidays suck, and if it wasn't for my kids, I wouldn't even celebrate them? Should I tell her how there will always be regret of what you didn't do, no matter how many people tell you it isn't true? Should I tell her how the day her mother died will be ingrained in her memory forever?
Should I tell her how much it hurts when I tell my boys about my mom, but they'll never meet her. Should I tell her about the day we were by a church that bells ring on the hour? Should I tell her that previously I told them how much my mom loved those bells. Should I tell her how my boys said to me,"Mommy, do you think Grandma Debbie can still hear the bells? How I have tears in my eyes now as I type this?
Should I tell her grief physically hits your body making, at times, not able to get things done? It's just too overwhelming. Should I tell her that I sniffed my mom's clothes so I could remember her? Should I tell her that it sucks that her mother isn't alive, and it will never stop sucking? Should I tell her about the time I told the boys we were going to the cemetery to see Grandma Debbie, and when we were at her grave, Tot said to me,"Mom, where is Grandma Debbie?" He didn't understand why he couldn't see her? Should I tell her that just last week, on the 7th anniversary on my mom's death, I had to tell Tot why he shouldn't stand on top of the mounds of dirt? S. and I tried to explain to him that people's bodies are underneath the ground. He didn't buy it, and recited the whole resurrection of Jesus, and how when the rock was taken away there was no body of Jesus.

Should I tell her it's lonely being without your mom, her right hand? Should I tell her how hard it is to see the world just going on even though she feels like she can't breathe. She misses her mom that much. Should I tell her how she will feel like staying in bed, or at least, feel overwhelmed even though there is no more on her 'mom plate' that usual.

Sure I can tell her all of those things, but this grief is hers, and she just has to grieve it in her way. I can tell her, however, that I will be there no matter what. She has officially become a member of the dead mother's club. A group no one wants to become a member of. No one...

Little Girl in an Adult World

2010-04-23T14:06:00.002-08:00

Now that my oldest is in first grade, we have to get up early and get to the bus stop at an insanely early time. That's the negative. The positive is now meeting neighbors I've never met before. Well, that used to be a positive.

Last year, we stood at the bus stop with two women and their children. One of the moms had lost her job, so she was able to take her daughter to the bus stop. She was happy to do it, and she seemed quite nice. We ended up talking a lot. That was last year.

This year the woman, I'll call her Roxi, has not been at the bus stop much. Her little girl is in the same grade as my son. Anyway, when I walked the little girl, Jessie, home Roxi was outside. Well, Roxi smelled like alcohol. When I asked what she had to drink to replied lemonade, as if I didn't know the difference between alcohol and lemonade! I made a comment to lighten the mood. I figured maybe she just had a glass of wine or something. I know it was early, but I could not come up with a reason for a grown woman to be drinking at 2:30PM. I know her lying about drinking was a bad thing, but I wanted to believe it was a one time deal.

Unfortunately, it was not. Now every time I have seen her after school I smell alcohol on her breath. Other than that, she acts completely normal, and is even fun to be with. I can't reconcile both sides.

Well, about a month ago our weather started turning nice. I let my boys invite their friends over to play outside. I am happy to say that our house has become the house for which I am extremely grateful. Anyway, I asked if Jessie would like to come and she said yes and brought her bike over. While the boys were playing, Jessie and I were talking while we were using colored chalk on our driveway. I could tell she was sad, and very happy to be here. She seems lonely since she is 11 years younger that her sister, and they both have different fathers. Hers fled to another country, so she has never met him. While her sister goes to her father's house on the weekends, Jessie stays home with her mom.

One day the boys and I were talking about the family dinners we have. She said to me, "We never eat together" The other day she told me her mom doesn't make dinner. I didn't press it. I figure she'd let me know if she wanted to talk about it.

The other day I made spaghetti and asked if she'd like to stay for dinner. She said,"My mom says it's always okay for me to be here, but I'll go ask." And back she came.
While I was cooking my two boys and her were playing. My boys and Jessie get along very well. I called dinner was ready and hands were washed.
Jessie thought we would just start to eat, but instead we prayed. We added a thank you for Jessie being able to eat with us which, I think, surprised her.
I don't know what to do about the situation, but I do know she is always welcome at our house. The poor thing is only a kid and already she is facing such an adult world. I wish I could do more. I only wish I could do more...

Being a Mom of Older Boys

2010-03-17T14:40:00.009-08:00

Christmas 2009, ages 7 and 4

Tot at the zoo, 17 months

S., age 4

S. age 3 and Tot 7 months

S. 4 months

I don't know when it happened, exactly, but my oldest has become an official 'boy'. His face has lost those last signs of babyhood, he goes to school all day, and his needs have changed from being with mom to being with friends. We have maintained a very close relationship, but now that relationship seems different.
S. is trying to find an activity he likes, and now that he is 7, there are a lot for him to choose from. Tot will be turning 5 in May. I can't even think about that because it upsets me too much. As a result, he would also like to enroll in an activity-he thinks soccer.. I only allow one activity at a time for my boys. This will be the first summer that I will be carting my boys around. It just feels weird. Weren't my boys just babies? When did I become a mom with older kids and not a 'new mom'?

It was beautiful today, so we went outside for a while. I grabbed our mitts and ball, and told S. that we could do ten throws, the kid is into numbers, and then he could do something else. The funny thing is I really enjoyed it. That's the thing about us moms of boys. We're a tough group. We have to be. With husbands working ridiculous hours, we have to step into that role of mother/father. I always tell other moms of boys, you either get into the game or sit on the sidelines feeling sorry for yourself. No, you don't have a girl. Yes, most boys are energetic and ...dirty, but you have to accept that. I'm really enjoying this stage of my sons' lives. It's both sad and amazing seeing my sons' grow, but it's mainly amazing. No more car seats. The trunk no longer carries strollers, diaper bags or 'pack n' plays'. They have been replaced with backpacks, bats, mitts and balls of all kinds. This is our new life. I will try to look forward instead of back, and enjoy the two blessings that God has given to us. And if I get a little dirty along the way I'll just smile and remember that I have never been happier in all my life as I am right now, dirt and all.

Catching up!

2010-02-08T13:15:00.005-09:00

Ahhh...where to start. I have been over at facebook, who keeps changing things, and facebook is, as many people have said, a time-zapper. I open my page up and swear I'll only be one for 5 minutes. Well, I don't think I've only been on 5 minutes since I started. Waste of time. The benefit there is that I ran into a lot of people I knew, and it's been fun seeing what they're up to. Some I haven't seen since graduation, so it's fun to see how much we've changed. I have to pinch myself to believe that we all are in our mid-to-late 30's and beyond. From today on I am going to work to stay off of facebook, or only on it for 5 minutes. Do you think I can do it???

A quick summary of what has been going on in formerteacher's house...S. started first grade, which was hard initially, but to which I give credit for my sanity being restored. I love him so much, and like I tell him, no matter what he does I will never stop loving him. However some times I've had enough of the game, how can I piss off Tot and mom in one try! By himself he's a dream. It's been a lot of fun playing games, Wii bowling etc. He can do so much now, and we are alike in many ways. (BTW, I always said these kids wouldn't get a video system. Well, Santa thought differently, and I am loving it. Geez, another thing to get addicted to:) That's a whole other topic!

September brought the not so fun stage of 'someone has been hurting my kid you-better- DO something about it!' Oh, yes, the principal and I had a lovely conversation, and I'm pretty sure I overdid, but when MY SON comes home with cuts and bruises, which he initially told me were made by him falling, I don't give a shit who the hell you are, you're going to fix it. And if she didn't, I told her I was going higher. Yeah, she loves me, and boy is she just going to be so excited when she learns the younger one starts next year---5 years in a row of dealing with my boys--and me. Ha! I'm fairly certain no one is going to bother either one of them since the principal won't want to be spending any time with the likes of me!

I used to teach in that district, and I'm pretty certain I will never work there again...I'm sure the word will get out.

Tot is doing great in preschool, and now that S. goes full time, I've been able to go to his meetings and special performances. He loves that!

Husband working hard. We are blessed that he is employed when so many aren't. Just wish we had more time together.

I'm loving texting even though I said I would never use that feature.

Christmas ended up working out. Unfortunately, I came down with an upper respiratory infection. Hubby had to work. It was oh so much fun taking care of two kids when you feel like you're dying! Wednesday, Hubster ended up getting it too. It was the gift that kept on giving!

Here in IL it seems like the snow and cold temps. have hung over us like a fog. We also haven't had much sun, which always bugs me. I think I just may buy one of those lamps:)

Was all set to have surgery. Then I had the pre-surgery labs. Surgery cancelled. Another doctor visit. Apparently, I am severely anemic. The plan? I take three 65 mg iron pills. I stopped taking them a few days ago. I am not going to feel like I have morning sickness all day-every day. That was supposed to be one of the joys of having no more kids!

And I am feeling overwhelmed with all that needs to be done! I don't think that'll ever change, but I worry about how it'll be when I go back to work.

I cut my finger while using the electric hedgers. Got 4 stitches. First time I ever had to get stitches. Not fun. Didn't like the shots in the cut itself.
Went to CA sans kids. Excellent! Was able to talk without being interrupted.

There you go in a nutshell! Now I'll be on to a post that doesn't leave you falling asleep!

Christmas BS

2009-12-19T17:51:00.005-09:00

Christmas is always a hot button issue in many households. You know, who's going to have the day at their house. Since my mother has died I have been cooking Christmas dinner. I believe only one Christmas I haven't). It really helps to keep busy on a holiday that is supposed to bring cheer and happiness, which does not do either one for me anymore. I dread the hoidays nearly as much as I dread the cold and snow which blankets us into spring. My mom was right, though, your kids get you through it. Never a truer statement was said. Without those little guys I'd either be in my bed under a blanket or in a warm place, but I digress.

My father has unofficially ruined what was left of Christmas for us. He has yet to tell me his wife is having the 'celebration' over at their house. Yes, it is only the 19th. If my SIL hadn't told me accidently on Thursday night, I still would think I was cooking. It appears I'm not even invited to this day where family means so much. My dad told said SIL that he would come to my house for an hour. I presume this is to see my sons who think that Grandpa and Grandma D. are coming for the day along with all of their cousins. My husband told my SIL that all I have is my brother, her and the kids as well as my dad. That's it. Unfortunately it's true. My dad's family is nuts and has dwindled in size. We don't celebrate the holidays with them, which believe me is a good thing. My mom's family is awesome, but most live in CA or AZ, and even then it's not a ton of people. I don't have those big families. Hey, I don't even have the sister I always wanted. Anyway. My father has not called me at all still. And we actually are quite close. I'm pretty sure my SIL told him how upset I was. My belief is if you can't call or talk to someone then you know what your doing is wrong.

It has turned out that now my brother and SIL are going to her family's on Christmas Day rather than Christmas Eve because she has to work until 4PM instead of the usual 2PM. So yep, we will be alone for Christmas. The holiday that can make me sob in an instance. My mother has to be turning over in her grave. So, thanks Dad. (We have since talked and apologies given. Still wish my mom was here. It's not Christmas without.)

Consequences

2009-08-04T10:31:00.003-08:00

Have I mentioned how much I love my boys before? That they can drive me crazy, but as I've told them no matter what they do I will always love them. With that said, this was the second day I came down to a mess in the kitchen. Last week the boys were having a 'car wash' whereupon water got everywhere, and not just the chairs AKA cars that they were cleaning. My oldest also LOVES my Clorox Anywhere Spray. Today I walked down to the mess, should've know why they were so quiet. Well, another bottle of the Clorox was almost completing gone. This time I told him HE was paying for another bottle. Got the money out of his piggy bank, and to the store we went. I just hope he stops this before he runs out of money!

Little Boy No More

2009-07-24T19:34:00.004-08:00

I'm sure every mother goes through the 'he's growing up too fast' moments. I also am willing to bet that these same mothers also have the 'he has got to get older and out of this house or we're going to kill one another' thoughts. BTW, just in case the perfect mom police are reading this, I don't mean literally kill each other.
The other day my neighbor said she could see the signs of S.'s little-boy look going away. He looks more like a boy, no little about it. Having four kids herself, she told me this happens around first grade. And even if she was a little off on her calculations, S. lost his first tooth. Time to lose those baby teeth and grow in his adult 'permanent' teeth. I'm okay with it as long as he doesn't ask me to pull them out. Yuk!

I think I have mentioned S.'s T-Ball career, and how he grew to love it, here. All of us wish T-Ball hadn't ended. We'd love to go to another one of his games. I am on the kids' computer, our old one, right now so I'll have to post the most adorable picture at another time. I took it at his first game. Damn, I love this kid more than he'll ever understand until he becomes a parent himself. Now if he would stop sneaking my food, get rid of the smart mouth, stop beating on his younger brother, listen and listen...and listen some more, I think we'd all be a lot happier!

New Edited

2009-07-23T15:31:00.004-08:00

***The woman which I had been talking about, came to my house on Monday. I overreacted big time!
Since I have been the new person more times than I can count, I have always been sensitive to people who are new to the area. I've always done this in school too. I know how lonely and overwhelming it can be to move to a new area.

Back in the fall I met a women with a two-month old and a two year old. She was from another state, and left all her family behind to move for her husband's job. We exchanged e-mail addresses, as I told her all of the things that were out there for moms in our area.

I researched different classes for moms/kids. Family events, as well as churches. It took me a while to do, but that was fine because I like to help people out. I told her about the MOPS group that I am the coordinator for, the day and date of the next meeting. She did come to that, and seemed to enjoy herself, which was good. I invited her to my house afterwards for lunch as well as a play date for the kids. We did that a few times which was nice.
Even during the coldest weather we would meet at each other's houses. It was nice, and my kids love her and her kids.

She took on a job at nights at a sports bar type restaurant. Tips are great etc., but poor her, sometimes she doesn't get in until after 2:00 AM. She was going to try to do something about the hours since it's very hard to be a mommy when you've had no sleep. When she was in a bind one time, I took care of her kids who my kids love to play with.

I reminded her last month about this cool truck show for kids, and she made it. She ran into a few other people. I was calling her phone like crazy to to tell her where to meet us, but something wasn't right with her phone or something. Meanwhile she ran into other MOPS' members, and that's when I saw her.
Well, I've e-mailed her about getting together. At that time she was on vacation. I left it as when she got back into town, call me. I've never heard from her.
Last Friday, we had a zoo day with the MOPS group. I initially told her about it a month or so ago, and our member who sets these things, sent an e-mail reminder. I met up with a bunch of the members and had a great time, but no this friend. Come to find out, a few other members, the same o nes from the truck thing, decided to meet only with each other apparently. Well, she was with them. I knew that she had play dates with theses people which is cool. The more friends the better.

It seems as though I'm being divorced or 'phased out' as they said on one episode of Friends. This has happened to me several times before. I introduce my new friends and other friends, and they'd rather be with them. Now the MOPS moms I introduced her to never were good friends of mine, more like the kind that I only see at MOPS meetings, so it's not like I lose best friends or anything. It just kind-of hurts my feelings, you know. Has this ever happened to any of you???

Good vs. Average??? You Make the Choice

2009-07-17T19:39:00.004-08:00

A random question that's popped in my head. Was/is it easier it break up with an average guy rather than a very goodlooking one? (or one that is better looking than another). Do you stay in the relationship longer because he's a good person and you love hearing how 'hot' your boyfriend is? Can his looks and the attention you subsequently receive, be intoxicating? Like the attention is great. It's fun having people be jealous, particularly people you don't like? Does the vision of a pretty picture with beautiful children make it harder to leave/be left? To miss the attention, for a little while, to come to peace that the pretty picture would have been a lie? To truly believe that the song by 'The Offspring' in which one of the lyrics reads "the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care" is the truth? Is a goodlooking man harder to get over when they break up with you? Even when you worried that some other woman would come along and he'd cheat on you? Or do you think in 10 years he's going to see all he's missed, and then a divorce will be looming in the horizon via Jon Gosseling? (I've thought about THAT situation lately)! Does your self-esteem plummet? Is it easier to get over an average looking guy than a goodlooking one? When you see him out in public would both guys make your heart thump in that 'oh my God. I haven't seen him in years' kind of way. Knowing that you loved them both, a lot, would one be harder to see now over the other? And the BIG question: would it feel weird/make you a little jealous to see him with another woman, and to see that he has a family with her? Like what did she have over me, even when you're the one who did the breaking up or vice-versa? Like she is living the life that almost was mine? Would it have been easier to break up with average guy than a goodlooking one? I know I'm talking myself into a circle here. Ala, Carrie Bradshaw--Sex in the City, I've really been wondering that. It's also a question you can't ask all your girlfriends; it's easier, and probably more truthful, to ask people outside your inner circle. I don't really know the answer, but I'd like to. Please let me know your thoughts.

Mish-Mosh

2009-07-10T11:40:00.003-08:00

This summer has basically sucked weather wise. It rains every week, and many times it's for multiple days. Now we have cold winters. It is too much to ask for some summer-like weather? Anyway, we have been busy. With T-Ball practice and swimming lessons, and not to mention VBS we're keeping ourselves moving. The only problem with that is our house is cluttered, and I haven't gotten the energy to clean it. Anyone else that way? In the morning, I'm ready to go. Shortly after, though, I just don't want to do it. Now my house is clean, it's just cluttered with toys and the like. I hate clutter, but I'm learning to not stress over it.

I always have a blog entry in my head until it's time to write it. Sorry this is so boring. Hubby and I have decided we need to go see my grandfather and uncle's family. No one is getting any younger, and I want to ask my grandfather questions about our family so these stories live on. The older I get, the more I want to know our family's history.
For this trip, we would like to go sans kids. We'll only be gone 5 days. Since Hubby has travelled so extensively, we can get two tickets to fly free on United. We only have one more year until his points expire. I'm going to try to get my brother and his family to watch them. I will beg if that's what it takes! Originally, I had planned on having that babysitter/nanny person I hired watch them in the day, and in the evening my brother could pick them up. However, she quit before she even started! Apparently, she wanted a full-time position and mine is only part-time. It pissed me off because I had been upfront in the beginning and she accepted the hours. Anyhow, now my brother would have my kids all day and night. That's a lot with S. being so active. I just pray they can do it, because we need to buy our tickets ASAP. It would be pure bliss not having the kids on the airplane!

I do have a sitter come twice a week for a few hours. During that time I work-out, do errands and the like. It is so much faster and enjoyable to go without the kids. Boy, it must sound like I don't love my children and I do! I just need a break every now and then. Speaking of which my youngest still takes naps, but is the one that is currently making loud noises to get attention. The older one said he was going to sleep. As long as he's quiet, I don't care. (Now the older one is noisy. Great. What can I do?)

I can't believe Hubby and I will be married 11 years next week! We also were together three years prior to our wedding. I always thought I would get bored after being with someone for so long, but nope, I haven't.

Well, there you have it. A complete mish-mosh. Hopefully next time I have something to write about.

Sometimes the Truth Really Is Stranger Than Fiction

2009-06-25T15:30:00.004-08:00

It's true. Michael Jackson really is dead. I thought it was some crazy news done simply for ratings, but sadly it's not. I like to remember the Michael Jackson of my youth. You know, the one who was black, and did the 'moonwalk' which my friends and I tried to replicate. The one who was such a good dancer. Whose video for 'Thriller' gave me nightmares when it first came out, but I watched repeatedly on MTV. When MTV actually played music.

I don't know what happened in his later years. He became freak. He became like an accident. You know, you shouldn't look, but you can't stop yourself. Then the children. Naming two of his sons Prince Michael did nothing to keep the press away. His weird behavior only fueled the fires And the stories constantly were being reported about. Some true, many not. There was just too much weird stuff to report. So, all I can say is so long MJ. Maybe you'll finally get whatever it is you need.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

2009-06-23T14:07:00.003-08:00

I am definitely a person who does better with routine. Most of the time I don't do well with change.
A month or so ago, the tumbling place that my children have gone to since S. was 15 months old, closed. Now with the economy being the way that it is, the classes' numbers began to dwindle. You know where this is going. She wasn't making nearly the money that she used to. The owner of the strip mall refused to give her a break at all. Not even when the tumbling company's corporate office called. This owner was horrid on a good day. He did not maintain the building, and the shops' owners' frequently would have to clean up after a rainstorm, because he hadn't had the tuck pointing done. That's just one example. Well, our tumbling owner had to close her business. Her rent was always high, but now she couldn't afford to stay anymore.
She had a 'last day party', and we went. As I walked out of the door, the owner and I hugged. And we both were teary-eyed as I told her how hard it was for me to say good-bye to the place that was such an integral part of my children's' as well as my life.

Another two places have had to close because of the owner of the strip mall. Would you believe that this man actually said he would rather have vacancies than to give anyone a break? He is losing thousands of dollars a month and for what? Each business paid an average of $4,000 a month. Yeah, this man is definitely not a mathematician!

Well, guys, something happened that I never thought would happen in a million years. The 7-11 convenient store that part of said strip mall since I was very young, is leaving because they believe the rent is too high! The store started out as a White Hen Pantry. Two years ago 7-11 bought them and here we are.

I know it probably sounds silly to some, but I had/have gotten close to the people who worked there. They knew I came in the morning for my Big Gulp that would help me stay awake. They would even ring it up before I got to the check-out, because they knew my routine so well. A woman named Marie and I would talk about kids, husbands etc. Sometimes I was in the store for 15 minutes while we talked.

My point here is that I got to know the people. I guess it is a lot like the show 'Cheers' song. "You want a place to go where everybody knows your name." It is so rare these days that people even stop to simply say hello to each other, let alone have conversations.

My father talks about the area in Chicago where he grew up. People got to know each other. They knew each others family members etc., and it generally had that small town feel to it. That even though they had all the amenities that it was able to keep that feeling to it. That is how this one store felt. You wouldn't believe how many people showed up to say 'good-bye' to the workers. Our pseudo-friends. People that remembered you, and would always acknowledge you as you walked through the door.
There is no longer that place, and I'm judging by the amount of people were there to say their good-byes, more people than I want to have that place 'where everybody knows your name.'

Glad I Made the Decison

2009-06-16T18:18:00.002-08:00

Yesterday, S. said that T-Ball was even better than last week! He was so smiley. I've learned that sometimes, as a parent, you have to take charge and hope that your decision is the right one. Believe me, I am SO happy this T-Ball adventure went the way that it did. Now if I could just get him to stop writing on his walls.....

The End and the Beginning

2009-06-10T11:13:00.002-08:00

First off, I can't believe my oldest is a first grader! Don't worry, I am done complaining and crying....until next time. Poor S. was really bummed that both of the summer camps he used to attend have closed. Lovely economy, eh? I told S. that he needed to do something this summer. I rattled off several ideas, which he nixed almost immediately. I even asked him if he wanted to take an art class of some sort from Michael's Crafts. I wanted him to feel that he didn't need to play sports if he didn't want to. Just because his father and all of my family, except me, are involved with sports doesn't mean he has to do a sport. Well, he said no to that as well. Needless to say, the ball was in court, so to speak.

I decided to sign him up for T-Ball. When I told him, he got very angry with me. I said to him if after the five weeks, he decides that he doesn't like it, he won't have to play again. This morning was the first practice. He was very nervous, and me running late didn't help, I'm sure. I watched his practice with his brother who kept yelling, "You go S!" "Good job S.!" That made S. very happy. He just kept smiling and smiling. The practice involved mainly running today, which is S.'s favorite thing to do! After the practice I saw him still smiling. He said he liked it a lot now that he's been there.

I am proud of S. Proud that he overcame his fear. Proud of him for trying his best. I think he's going to be just fine. Maybe even better than fine. Next week, the husband is on vacation, and gets to go to the practices too. I know S. will be over the moon then. Who doesn't love having their mommy and daddy with them? Even though S. can be a real pain in the butt, I love that kid with all my heart and soul.

The Freedom of Youth

2009-05-23T13:46:00.002-08:00

Yesterday we had a beautiful day. The weather was nice, and the feeling of no more winter weather felt very good. When I was younger, the beginning of the holiday weekend also energized me. The warm weather, a three day weekend, wearing shorts-I felt so free. Free to do what I wanted. Free to begin new things and simply to venture out and have fun with friends. The world was mine to grab! Things to look forward to doing. I had the freedom to just go and do what I wanted. I truly felt that way yesterday, but quickly remembered that I don't have that life anymore.

I actually have the life I always wanted. The life I had talked about having when I 'grew up.' A wonderful, compassionate husband with a career! A beautiful neighborhood where neighbors talk while working or playing outside. A safe place for my kids. A nice home. Stablitity-never having to move much or not at all. Two beautiful, healthy children.

But now that that world is reality, I feel somewhat stiffled. I can't just leave. I have to have someone to watch the boys. Then I have only a certain amount of time to enjoy my 'parental freedom' if I do find someone. I have the realization that I am no longer in my 20's with the world ahead of me. I have lines on my face from thinking too much, as well as from smiling. I have always thought too much. A long-time boyfriend would play a Billy Joel song,'It's Only Rock and Roll to Me'. One of its lyrics was 'If you try to be a straight-A student, and you are, then you think too much.' I was always too serious. I should have laid back and enjoyed my college days much more. I needed to loosen up. In the end, my grades got me an academic scholarship that enabled me to attend college, so I probably did the right thing, but I still needed to have more fun. Stop worrying about things that I couldn't control. Stop staying in the rut that I was in. But I let those years go by without experiencing life. I just was looking in. I didn't understand that life was going to get so much harder, so I should take advantage of the right now.

I did miss a lot. I regret it now. I had people tell me that I would. That I was 'anal-retentive'. I knew I was, but I didn't know how to have 'fun'. Oh sure I went to a few parties where I drank too much, or chain smoked even though I wasn't a smoker. I even had the time, in my ex's car, where I threw up in the car as well as out of the window onto Lakeshore Drive because I had too much to drink that night. But it lasted not for long, and I then had to get myself back into gear. There wasn't time for much of that. (Not that I like throwing up:)

I have wasted too much time. Now I am the one listening to the 'classic rock channel' on the radio. You know, some G N' R, Black Crows, Rolling Stones, and many more. I do LOVE my music, so I do listen to the hip-hop station, which my nephew and I talk about. But I am still the adult.

When I first became a Facebook user, I noticed a lot of long-ago friends. It didn't take long for me to realize that these people from long-ago had wrinkles too. That we were the age I remembered my mother was at when I got together with those friends. We are now the 'older ones'. No longer the generation who sung along with Kurt Cobain's 'Smells Like Teen Spirit.' Not the ones drinking in front of the bonfires in the small town I lived in. No longer the ones who could talk on the phone for hours and still have plenty to say...about ourselves. Not talking about diaper cream, preschools and baseball sign-up.

A week ago I read the book my mother left to my kids before she died. It was a book about Grandparents and their lives. A fill in the questions type of book, so they could learn something about their grandmother they've never been with. I kept hearing her regret over and over about not doing the things that she always wanted to do, but never did. I need to learn from this, and believe that as long as I am on this earth, I need to not give up those fancy-filled days. I need to find a way to fulfill my dreams, so I don't have regret at the end of my life. My mother would be proud, as would I. Now I just need to find a way to do it, and not be scared to death.

Finality of Babyhood

2009-05-12T07:50:00.003-08:00

As this school year ends, I cannot believe that this coming year I will have a second year preschooler and a first grader. It hurts my heart to even type this. I know that I will have three mornings to myself, and that I always talk about having no time for myself, but somehow that feels lonely. For nearly seven years I have had one or both boys with me. It's going to feel weird being just me. I know I'll probably get used to, but it will take some time.

The real heartache will be when Tot goes to kindergarten and then first grade. I don't know what I will do then. I know I'm getting ahead of myself here, but I'm a worrier by nature.

I am looking for a summertime sitter, which kind of goes against the feelings I've just described. So far I have one candidate that sounds great. She's a fifth grade teacher with a master's degree who wants to earn some exta money in the summer. You know, us teachers don't make a lot of money! She also has babysat for a friend of mine whom I haven't seen in a long time but like. My friend is listed as a reference. I used SitterCity to find some one who will even watch the boys on a Saturday since Hubby and I rarely get out by ourselves anymore. We need to get connected again.

A few Saturdays ago we dropped off our crib and changing table. I thought since it was hard for me to even take down the crib, that I would be fine when we dropped it off. I mean we donated it to a wonderful charity. They were so surprised that they were in good condition. As we took the crib parts out of the car, I remembered the day we picked them out. I always wanted a sleigh crib in the exact color they had. It was perfect! That day was so exciting as was picking out the bedding and decorations for the room. Getting all the baby clothes washed and put away from our shower was so surreal. It took us a long time to get pregnant that it didn't seem like a baby would be sleeping in that crib! And now I had folded up that bedding and handed it to the woman who runs the charity. We rolled in that matching changing table, and gave them the bolts to help them put it back together...for someone else.

I guess all good things come to an end. It is just so surprising to me that I'm not the young mom. I'm the older mom, the experienced mom. And while that feels good sometimes, it also feels final. No more babies, no more cribs, no more sweetsmelling skin. Onto boyhood with all of those boy smells. I guess life goes on no matter how we try to freeze a moment in time. Now I just need to accept this.

Wow-A New Post!

2009-04-30T07:42:00.002-08:00

I'm doing a lot better. Just tired of cloudy skies and rain...rain...rain! I'm trying to figure out activities for the kids to do this summer. I registered S. for preschool, which has upset him, but so far Ryan has nothing to do. Trust me, while I love my children, we cannot be together 24/7. I do have to sign them both up for swim lessons. I just have to pick a place.
Anyway, I am very tired. I'm sure it's evident by this boring post! I know I need to get to bed before midnight, but I'm a night owl, and this is when I get everything done. I have a better post in the works. I'm sure I've bored you all!

Anxiety

2009-04-20T14:30:00.002-08:00

Lately, particularly today, I have been feeling overwhelmed and anxious and behind on everything I want to or think I should do. I've been meaning to post more here, but again, I haven't. Why? No good reason. I just feel overwhelmed and believe that I don't have time to write. Or the kids are down here and fighting, which really pisses me off! Then it's truly not worth it. I feel trapped, and like there isn't much to look forward to. Hubby and I used to go out at least 1-2 times a month. Not often, but it was a real help. I felt like myself instead of only some body's mother. Don't get me wrong. My children were hard won, and I love them more than I can say in words, but sometimes I need to be away. Hubby doesn't want to leave the boys on the weekends, because it's the only time he really gets to see them since he works so much. Me? Well, I definitely get enough time with them, and just need a break.

I feel like there are so many things that I have to do, and I haven't go them totally done. Almost done, but not finished. And then all these loose ends that I have need to be tied up. They just keep adding up in my brain, which makes me not want to deal with any of them.

Hubby took down the crib awhile back when Tot got his BBB. It is currently being help in our utility room. It's been weeks since I've been able to get a light and battery out. The crib is leaning on the closet door. I even found a place that would take it and be grateful for it. But still it's here taking up a lot of space, and making me feel more anxious.

I don't get to talk to a whole lot of adults, at least in person, since my oldest has afternoon kindergarten. It breaks up the whole day. In the same breath, I feel sad that next year he will no longer be at home at all during the week. And Tot will have preschool Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday mornings. I always wanted some time to myself, but thinking about it is enough to make me cry. Just the thought is enough to make me feel lonely.

This afternoon while at Tot's parent/tot tumbling class, we found out the owner is closing her business. With the way the economy has been going, she can't afford to maintain the programs. This is so sad for me because we have been going to this place since S. was 15 month's old. It has been such a part of our lives it makes me sad that it isn't going to be there. We have such an attachment to that place. So many memories, and now it's gone.

After a wonderful Friday and Saturday, the weather has sucked yesterday and today, and will continue to do so until at least Wednesday. I need spring and summer! When the weather is lousy, I feel more down. The sun energizes me. Today we have gone from rain, then sun, then clouds, then rain, then hailing, then hard rain, to sunshine.

I'm embarrassed to say this. Our cleaning lady is coming tomorrow and I feel overwhelmed just thinking about cleaning up toys etc. so she can clean even though I just cleaned when I had a friend over on Friday.

A neighbor had a new baby, and her mom is there helping to take care of the whole family. Wouldn't that have been nice! I got a card from church for a mother/daughter tea. I have no mother and I have no daughter. How'd I get on that list? And I am not going alone no matter what the card reads about me being a mother too. I know their will mostly be mother/daughters there, so I don't need to see it and make myself feel even worse. I am just pissed off about my mom being dead. I need/want her to take care of me. To go to lunch with me, to hang with me. But she's gone and has been for awhile. It still sucks!

Big Boy Bed and Superman Jammies

2009-04-03T09:51:00.011-08:00

Tot's new bed which he loves. I have to admit that it's easier getting him into it compared with the crib. I still haven't finished his room yet. I painted a wood train set and fire engine for him complete with shelves. He loves them!

Now compare Tot's bed with S.'s big boy bed. Can you tell the difference between the two? Yeah. We learned our lesson from S. that new furniture and expensive accessories should not be bought for little boys. Poor Tot still has my old furniture in his room. So far he only has paid attention to his bed, but some day he'll figure it out....and we will tell him to talk to his brother!

As long as we're comparing, I have pictures of the boys around the same age, in their 'Superman' pajamas.

S. at age 2 1/2 in his Superman jammies. Tot in his jammies at almost 4.

They both look so cute that for a moment I can forget what brats they were this morning, and pretty much all week! Hubby has been working so many hours that I rarely get a break. I think the kids are probably as sick of me as I am of them. What can you do? With the economy the way it is, I feel like I can't complain. We are very blessed that he has a job, and we know it. It's just hard sometimes, you know?

Babyhood Has Officially Come to An End

2009-03-17T10:13:00.006-08:00

He went from this (4D ultrasound at 22 weeks) to:

this...Tot at 3 days ...to

this. Here he is at 3 years old. Where did my baby go?

Tot started climbing out of his crib last week. Multiple times. I was afraid he'd get hurt if we let him continue to stay in his bed. So, sniff sniff, we went shopping for a big boy bed for him. When we told him about his new bed, he didn't seem too enthused. He loves his crib. Hubby and I weren't exactly enthused either. Shopping for S.'s bedroom furniture was awful. We could only find a boy's bed at one store. An expensive store. Not making that mistake again! One store only had two boy's beds, and even they looked ugly and cheap. So you can imagine how much we were not looking forward to it.

The first store we went to is a store that I hate. However, I thought I remembered that they had a good selection, so I was just going to take one for the team if we found one we liked. (This store's customer service ends when you buy something. If something goes wrong, don't hold your breathe waiting for them to fix it!) Back to the point. I was surprised that we didn't find a bed there that we liked. Off to the second store.

We then went to Value City Furniture. Hey, I can hope to get a deal, can't I? No luck there. Then Hubby came up with another store whereupon we bought a bed. I like it a lot. So far. It's not in the house yet.

That night Hubby took one of the sides off the crib, so Tot could get used to having a bed vs. a crib. The crib turns into a daybed, but it would be too small for Tot soon.

My mood has changed from excitement; I can decorate another room, to sadness. My baby is no longer a baby, and now that he'll have a regular bed and no crib, he'll look like the big boy that he is. No more fooling myself into believing we still have a baby in the house. Now I'm officially a mother of two big boys. Now I feel old.

Is It Wrong...

2009-02-17T09:31:00.001-09:00

for your child to say I want the music back on, when you turn it down especially since it was Eminem?

Just Plain Old Sad

2009-02-14T12:13:00.004-09:00

Last week my husband told me it was time to start looking for a 'big boy bed' for Tot. Tot is still happy in his crib, and so am I, but I know that unfortunately it is time. I have been looking for a red comforter to go with his room for a very long time. I even looked for one for S., and never found one. Well, today was the day. I found a beautiful red comfortable, whose price is even more beautiful. (S.'s Land of Nod quilt was $150.00, ridiculous I know!). Anyway, I also found the last package of Thomas and Friends sheets. They will match perfectly with the comforter. I think God is trying to send a message to me. I need to let his babyhood behind.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I am sad about this, because it is the official end of his babyhood. Yes, I know he's 3 1/2 years old, so he hasn't been a baby in a very long time, but him being in a crib kept the illusion alive. I have this pit in my stomach. There will be no more babiesfor us. And that's what we agreed to. That's what I want. I don't want another baby, I just wantTot to still be a baby. How have any of you coped with your youngest graduating to the big boy bed? I need advice on how to let go.

How can I let THIS go?

7 Random Things About Me

2009-01-28T11:10:00.009-09:00

I have been tagged by wait another year, and asked to write 7 random things about myself.

Here goes.

I have lived in California twice. My mom's family moved there was one reason, and my dad was offered a job was the other. It's where I started Kindergarten and then Junior High.
Due to those moves, I was in three different kindergarten classes, two junior highs and two high schools.
Even though I have moved often, I am still a reserved person. Once I get to know you, though, I will talk your ears off!
I LOVE home remodels! I have only one room to go!
The first thing I thought about Hubby when we met was that he had beautiful blue eyes. Then he started talking. That led to the second thing I liked about Hubby. I thought 'He has a career. And money.' (He knows this.) My 2+ year relationship had just broken up, so I came up with 'criteria' for the next guy I dated. He had to be at least 3 years older than me, education equal to or more than me, have a career, and have blue eyes (I have brown and just love blue eyes!) I know this all sounds snooty, but I had been in multiple relationships where I was older and felt like I had to make all the decisions about things. In both of my 2+ year relationships, the men and I had different interests. We were just different people. Both guys and I believed it was because we had different backgrounds. Gosh, it still sounds snooty!
For most of my life I never imagined being a SAHM. When I was in my sophomore year of college, I believe I uttered these words. "Why go to college if all you're going to do is stay home. Hear me laugh now about the 'all' part. In my defense, my mom was a working mom. Part-time and then Full-time when we got older, so I just expected that I would do the same.
I do worry that my kids may become my life. That after they grow up I won't know what to do with myself. I worry about not being able to get back in the workforce. And I especially don't want to be like a few of my mom's friends who were SAHMs. Their lives were their kids, so when the kids grew up and had children of their own, they babysat them. Also, one in particular defined herself by kids. If one got a better grade, we had to hear about it. If they got something nice, like a pool, we had to hear about it. Everything of theirs was always better. They always were competing to be the best. I just wanted to be me, so this made me not want to be friends with their daughter.

I Had To Post This; Will Post Tag Next Time I Promise

2009-01-27T10:47:00.002-09:00

Place: Psychiatrist's Office

Me: (as my son keeps opening the door) Stop opening and closing the door! You're driving everyone nuts!

Katie

2009-01-26T10:33:00.000-09:00

I'll get to my 'tag' the next time I post.

It Always Happens That Way, Doesn't it?

2009-01-26T10:11:00.002-09:00

After dropping S. off at kinder., I went to pick up one of Tot's asthma meds. I had to go in the freakin' Wal*reen's because my husband's company has decided to switch the part of the insurance that deals with the prescriptions. Don't get me started on them...Serenity now, Serenity now... Anyway, as I was leaving I saw a woman who looked familiar. It only took me a second to figure out who she was. (That's good these days!) So I tentatively said to her, "Mary???" She turned around and said the same to me. I then remembered that I didn't have any makeup on except powder and lip gloss. Let's just say last night our house became the house of puke and diarrhea, but that's another story.

Now I haven't seen Mary since we were about 19 or 20. We went to junior high and part of high school together. She was the crazy fun one of the group. Jeez, memories of swimming in her pool, movies, etc. etc. As I left, I realized just how weird it is to see people I used to know so well, and haven't seen in over 10+ years. That's another story for another time, though. Let me get back my point It just always seems that I meet someone when I look my worst. I think all you moms out there can empathize with me when I say after a night of vomit and a morning of minor diarrhea, I didn't look my best. Why do I never meet someone when I'm wearing a good outfit and my make up is on. Or when my hair is not sticking up? I'm sure if she meets one of the friends we shared, she'll say,"Jeez, FT didn't age well." Lovely.

Cold/Warm

2009-01-21T10:44:00.003-09:00

I walked my son to the bus stop and thought it felt warm. The temperature is a mere 26 degrees. It's crazy to think 26 degrees is warm! Oh, and the sun is out. Bonus! I always feel better when the sun is out. This is what the winter is like in the Midwest!

My New Love

2009-01-19T08:24:00.005-09:00

Any of you who are living in the mid-west, Canada too, know how cold and snowy it has been. For example, I don't have to do cardio. at the gym anymore, all I have to do is use the snow blower and shovel. And if you think that couldn't possibly be enough exercise, then you live in one of those 'warm places', where if you receive a dusting of snow it goes down in the record books.

Because of all of this weather, I hate grocery shopping even more than usual. And I HATE grocery shopping. I loathe it. If I could figure out some way to avoid it I would. Enter Life According to Jim. I watch re-runs of it on WGN at 11:00PM. Last week I watched one in which Cheryl, his wife, had their groceries delivered at the delivery charge of only $7.00. That got me thinking. How could I do something like that? Then I had an epiphany. Is Pe*pod still in business? I went online, and lo and behold, they are! I was so excited. (See kids how much fun it is to be an adult!)

I then had to think of a way to get Hubby to agree. His first question was,"How much is this going to cost?" I told him $6.95 for the first delivery, and $0 for the next 60 days. He couldn't believe how cheap it is. They even sell the Oberweis milk that we have delivered, no hormones, antibiotics, and in cold glass-Yum!) I am cancelling that service, so now we are actually coming out ahead. For those of you who like organic products, they have those too. Can you hear the excitement in my words? All I have to do is use my computer, click on the foods I want, and then SOMEONE ELSE SHOPS FOR ME, and delivers it to my door. No carts that have wheels all screwed up. No crabby people. No one banging into my cart or vice-versa. No long lines. No sweating because I had to bundle up to go outside, and the store is so warm inside.

I may only keep the service until the nice weather comes back. Yeah, that ain't looking too good! For now, I will keep assessing how cost effective it is. I love you Pe*pod, and hope to keep loving you for a very long time.

I Couldn't Make This Shit Up If I Tried

2009-01-13T15:16:00.007-09:00

A week or so before Christmas, Hubby and our brood were at church on Sunday. I had a few things to do after the service, so there were only a handful of people still around. One of them was our pastor. Our pastor, PT, motions for the Hubster to come into his office. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why. I took the kids down to one of the kids' rooms while they talked. Finally, the natives were getting restless, so I walked them back to PT's office. Hubster walked out with us, as they had just finished talking.

He told me that we'd talk about it later. The kids were in the car with us, and we don't like them to hear certain things. Later that night, Hubster told me that my ILs have apparently been sending him letters every so often, and they had just sent him a new one. Now my ILs do not like our church one bit, and the only time they ever talked to our pastor was when all of the shit was going on between us, and they wanted him to talk to us. To get us to realize the error of our ways. Can you say manipulation???

I had assumed from that time til' now that they had given up. Since they moved down south, watch me do my happy dance!, and the cousins that live here won't get involved, the only person they have that could possibly tell us the error of our ways would be our pastor. Can you believe that now they are using a man of God? And I mean use. They care not one iota about that man. They just want to use him to get to us. How pathetic is that? It has been three years since that fateful day whereupon they demanded to see 'their' grandchildren'. I kid you not. My FIL expected just to push his way into our house. Lovely, eh? They showed their true colors, and scared S. because he could hear Hubby's dad yell at me. For the next week S. was acting out. So MIL and FIL get over it. You screwed up big time. Don't use my pastor or my boys. EVER.

Right before Thanksgiving, Husband's sister did tell us that his parents wanted to see the boys. That we had said after a period of time went by that we'd let them see the boys. What their selective memory doesn't remember was that was only going to happen when/if our relationship was salvaged. And yes, we had assumed some part of the relationship could be salvaged until that fateful day. Hubby simply responded they can't see our kids if we, the parents of said kids, aren't having a relationship with his parents. I mean how confusing would that be. Besides we simply don't trust them with the boys. They have taken S. places that we specifically told them not to take him. There are other examples, but I'll leave it at that.

So there you go. Can anyone imagine just why we don't have a relationship with them? This whole episode with our pastor reiterates who they really are. Master manipulators who will do anything to get what they want. How sad is that.

Feeling Like a Fool

2009-01-08T07:57:00.006-09:00

Yesterday night, as I was driving my kids down the usual two-lane highway by our house, I saw flashing lights. No, I didn't hear anything because, apparently, my radio was too loud. Yes, I know that's a big no-no, but the kids were driving me nuts, and I...I just love listening to music. I mean when we bought our van, the thing that made me all giddy with excitement was having the control to the radio on the steering wheel. I thought it was the best thing to happen to me with the exception of getting pregnant with the reason why we bought the van in the first place. Back to the the story. I immediately pulled over, because hey, that is what I was told to do in my driving class from umpteen years ago. Guys, as I saw the vehicle come near me, I realized it was only a snow plow and not an ambulance. I felt like the biggest idiot! I also was incredibly lucky that I didn't get hit.

The night didn't end on that awful moment. Remember I was summoned to jury duty as a standby? Well, I had to call to see if I had to report to the courthouse. I prayed that I didn't because I had absolutely no one who could watch my kids. Well, God answered my prayers because only people whose last names began with the letter F through the letter H were called. I don't even have to call again today. What a relief!

The one thing that bothered me was I couldn't understand what the pre-recorded message said. I couldn't hear it. It was not clear, so I had to have hubby call back to confirm that I didn't have to go.

The lesson I learned from both of these incidents is: number one turn the radio down in the car, and number two turn down the volume on my iPod. I really think most of my hearing loss has come from working out with the iPod being too loud. At times, I feel about 80 years old! ( It is really pretty though, isn't it?)

Another Post About Winter...Sorry!

2009-01-07T09:17:00.003-09:00

I just shoveled our driveway. Our driveway is incredibly steep, so if there is any snow or ice on the ground we can't get our cars back in. Today the snow wasn't enough to use the snowblower, but enough that it needed to be removed. On the bright side, I am sure that I've reached my cardio goal for the day! I'm trying to think positive!

My Blogger Anniversary

2009-01-01T11:01:00.002-09:00

I cannot believe that I have been blogging for four years already! Read http://finallygettingsomewhere.blogspot.com/2005/01/i-am-so-happy-holidays-are-over.html to where it all began. There are a lot of things that I had forgotten about, so a trip down memory lane was nice. Yesterday I took the boys to a crafting morning at our church. They, mainly S.,
needed to get out of the house! I also needed to, and was able to talk with some friends. Of course, we got interrupted by each of our children, which is really annoying, but it was fun nonetheless. At noon, we each had our 'cup' ready to toast the new year. Yes, it was only 12PM our time, but we were going by Hong Kong's official New Year. Last night we went to my brother and SIL's house for dinner, etc. We got home close to midnight, so the boys went to bed very late, and were total bears this morning! They are presently napping. It better be for a long time. I can't stand when my kids are whiny and defiant. At any rate, Happy New Year to you all!!!

An Entry Not About the Weather!

2008-12-28T10:57:00.002-09:00

Damn iTunes won't let me out of their website! And for the life of me I cannot remember my password, nor the answer to their 'security question.'

We're going to see the movie with Tom Cruise in it. I keep forgetting the name. It's the one that starts with a 'V'. I am a huge history buff, particularly of WW2. (My grandfather was stationed in Germany. He wasn't on the front lines, but instead was housed by a German family who could have gotten killed had they discovered my grandfather was living there. Anyway, he fell in love with the family's daughter Marianne. In fact, he stayed in Germany after the war much to the dismay of my great-grandparents. They were going to get married, but I don't know why they didn't. Years later, Marianne moved to the states, and called my grandfather. My grandmother answered the phone and said that upon hearing Marianne's voice, knew it was her. I'm thinkin' the thick German accent might have tipped her off! Never the jealous wife, she told my grandfather, and then I don't remember what happened. I have seen a picture of her when my grandfather put together all of his pictures from the war. I asked him to do that, and that that is the only thing I want when he passes. It's more special to me than any material possession.) Wow! I didn't know I go there! Hey, at least it's not about the weather.....

***I'll post some things from our Christmas later.

Broken Record

2008-12-27T19:25:00.003-09:00

I know I am beginning to sound like a broken record, or someone who is desperately trying to find conversation starter, but yes I'm going to talk about the weather again.......I know reading about the shitty weather in Illinois isn't exciting but I figured I'd write about it anyway.
The last time I wrote, we were in the midst of a snowstorm. Christmas Day was in the single digits. Just yesterday, the streets were all a sheet of ice. So much so, that we didn't even get our newspaper delivered or our garbage picked up.
Today my friends, the high was 64 and rain, with towns that are having flooding issues, which leaves me to ask the following question: WTF is up with our weather?
I promise a more exciting entry next time!

Again

2008-12-23T15:03:00.003-09:00

It snowed here again today. So far about 6 inches with blowing. Stupid me deciding to drive to the post office because our bills needed to get to their destination on time. I slid and slid and slid some more. My traction control was on virtually the whole time.
Yesterday was in the single-digits with no snow, so I did the last of my shopping and went to get groceries since I'm hosting Christmas. I am glad that I did! I think this confirms my worst fears, this winter is not going to be any better than last year's. In fact, it may be worse.

The Snow and Ice Storm in Pictures

2008-12-19T09:52:00.005-09:00

The ice that stuck to our front windows.

Our backyard blanketed in snow and ice.

Our tree that is full of ice. Did I ever tell you I hate winter!

The Good and the Bad

2008-12-19T06:33:00.002-09:00

The good news for which I thank the Lord Almighty, is that we have electricity. We are nice and toasty in our house. Believe me, I am thankful beyond words. I don't know what we would have done otherwise. The bad news is that everything that we had planned has been cancelled. Tot had a Christmas program at preschool. Cancelled for the first time ever. We were set to go to my dad's work for the best holiday luncheon I have ever seen. It's become and annual tradition of ours. Now we can't go.
Well, I best be going as both boys are in their rooms and it's only 9:30AM here. Already they have been awful. This is going to be a long day.

Calm Before The Storm

2008-12-18T11:03:00.004-09:00

Apparently we are going to have some more shitty weather today. On Monday, we had rain that turned into a sheet of ice. Yeah, that was a fun one especially since I had a major amount of things to do. Like take gifts to the damn post office. I won't even go there. I then had to add a trip to Lowe's to buy more salt. Then on Tuesday, we had a major storm that left us with a lovely amount of snow. Since Hubby had to work late, I had to snow blow our steep driveway. Picture me getting pulled by a snow blower down the driveway. Not so fun, though better than the trip up the driveway. The snow blower died twice, and after that it would not start no matter what cuss word I used, "Fucking snow!" "Why the fuck did we ever move back here!", were my two favorite cuss phrases, and I don't use the f-word until I am good and mad. On the news I saw that even Palm Springs and Las Vegas were getting snow. What is going on? I thought we had the whole 'global warming' thing going on!

Today, we are supposed to get the worst of the worst. The one thing Midwesterners at least the ones I know, dare not talk about. An ice storm. Hubby was mad at me for using one bag of salt for just Monday and Tuesday. (On Monday our van kept sliding down the driveway, so I had to use a lot salt). Boy this one is going to freak him the fuck out. I am sure I will be hearing about it too. I told the boys to pray that the ice doesn't come, and that we are all safe in our home with electricity. Ice freaks me out. Most Midwesterners are a tough breed. We really are. But even we fear these storms. Think downed wires, no electricity and wind chills in the single digits. Did I mention my cell phone is no longer working??? I hate snow, I hate ice, basically I hate winter...with a passion. But with part of California snowing, where is there to go???

Make That 4's

2008-12-16T16:28:00.002-09:00

Now I got a Jury Summons...Lovely!

They Always Come In Three's

2008-12-14T19:56:00.003-09:00

I have been so busy lately it's hard to catch my breath. I'm sure that's normal for most of us this time of the year. However, I've encountered a few bumps along the way as I have tried to make this a good Christmas for my family and friends, even though holidays suck big time to me. I won't say anymore lest I cry.

I haven't made Christmas cookies in a few years because that's what my mom and I used to do together. This year I thought, 'Hey, what a good idea making cookies would be.' It wasn't. Tot made cookies with me. Yes, I let him make cookies with me. Aren't I a good mom?! We made gingerbread men. It took forever and I had a huge mess to clean up. I hate messes in the kitchen. The boys and I tried the cookies after dinner. I literally spit mine out! I never like to do that in front of the boys, but they were awful! Too much molasses I think. I followed the recipe exactly. The boys loved them, though.

The next day I thought I would make my Grandmother's German butter cookies recipe. It makes lots of cookies, and I thought it would be nice if I gave some to the neighbors and such. This recipe includes putting the dough through a cookie press. I bought this cookie press at William's Sonoma a few years back, and loved it. This year, not so much. I won't get into the gory details, but let's just say this cookie press ended up in our garbage can in not the same condition it was when it left its' box. Some banging and throwing took place, and that's all I'm going to say about that.

The next day I decided to make my grandmother's meltaway cookies. I had already bought the ingredients, and the recipe is really easy. Plus, it involves chocolate. Yum!....... It also required the use of our hand mixer. The same mixer I had used the day before with the butter cookie disaster. Guys, as I was mixing the dough I smelled something. Then I saw it. Smoke. My mixer was literally starting to burn. I'm thinkin' someone or something was trying to tell me not to bake this year. Not to try to make this holiday better. It blows and in some ways I think it always will.

File Under Things I Never Thought I'd Be Doing

2008-12-08T18:34:00.001-09:00

I had to give Tot an enema tonight. It was not pleasant.

HELP -Urelle

2008-12-05T15:23:00.002-09:00

Has anybody ever been on Urelle? My urologist just gave me free samples of it. They insist I don't have a UTI even though the AZO OTC strips came up positive. I feel worse now than I did since they started treating me for a UTI. This sucks. I am miserable. I am quickly losing hope that I will ever feel better.

Thanks to Technology

2008-12-04T10:53:00.003-09:00

Tot just called me down to his playroom to show me a bridge he had built for his trains. As he said,"Come on down, Mama. I want to show you my bridge.", I looked at him. As I did, I felt a sense of peace. I thought to myself that if it wasn't for IVF, he wouldn't be here. If it were 20 years ago, he wouldn't be in our lives. I cannot imagine that. Come to think of it S., conceived through Clomid/IUI, probably wouldn't be here either. I would have had no children. Having my two boys makes our family feel complete. I can't imagine life without any of my boys.

Am I Talking To Myself???

2008-12-04T07:57:00.003-09:00

Yesterday I picked up S. from the bus stop. Some crew has been digging up cables or something. This resulted in a good deal of mud. See where this is going? I told S. to stay away from it. I also told him not to step in the snow because you never know what's underneath it. He did. And there was mud everywhere! I managed to get him to put his boots on the rug by the door, and only had to wash the rug they were on.
Oh, it's not over there. We went to church that night. What does he do you ask? He put on his boots and walked onto my beige carpet on his way to the garage. That would have been bad enough by itself, but he then decided to walk around in the family room on said beige carpet. There was so much mud! I couldn't even talk, and when I did I said to him,"What were you thinking? Of course, he wasn't. I told him that when we got home he would be cleaning the carpet. This upset him, but I firmly believe in natural consequences. You make the mess, you clean it up and maybe you'll think next time before you walk down the stairs in boots. Or better yet, you should listen to your mother and NOT go into the snow and mud. But I digress.
S. was not happy about cleaning the carpet when we got home, but he did it. He actually did a good job too!
Why is it that my kids never listen to me? That it takes them seeing what the result of their actions will be? This has been a very challenging week! Oh, and I still am not feeling well due to the bladder infection I've been sporting around for almost 7 weeks. I'm really pissed off about it, and believe that the doctor needs to give me something strong to knock this thing out. I'm miserable asshole!

The Good and the Funny

2008-12-03T10:59:00.002-09:00

Last week we had our conference with S.'s teacher. I love her! In the beginning, she told us what a delight he was to have in class. I remember always starting a parent-teacher conference with a positive thing about the child, no matter how hard it was to find one. I know the drill, and it was funny being on the other side knowing why his teacher was saying a positive first. I actually was then waiting for the bad. It never came. How proud I am of my little boy!

S. is in what Hubby refers to as 'the United Nations', of classrooms. He really is. When I went to be the 'paint mom' a few weeks back, I saw all of the different types of children. Black, white, Arab, Hispanic; it was cool! I want S. to be in a room like that, because that is the way the world is. He also has children with learning and behavior disabilities in his room. He is meeting all of the milestones, so I'm cool with that too. His teacher told me that there is a lot of distractions with kids going in and out to be serviced one on one. S. is handling it very well. I was concerned about this in the beginning, but things are working out.

In S.'s classroom there is a Barack. Every time he says his name, I just laugh. I'm sure his parents never in a million years thought that someday their child would have his name in common with a president. Anyway, I told S. that his classmate has the same name of our new president. S. looked at me, and very seriously said, "No, it's Obama." Well, at least he knows the presidents name!

The Other Side

2008-11-24T13:28:00.001-09:00

Tonight Hubby and I have my oldest's kindergarten conference. I wonder what his teacher say about him, and how she feels he is doing. It feels so weird being on the other side. I taught in this district, and it just feels weird not to be the one doing the conferences.

Enough Already!

2008-11-20T16:58:00.003-09:00

A few weeks ago, I wrote about having a bladder infection. They gave me one antibiotic, followed by a culture, still bacteria. Onto another antibiotic, followed by a culture. Still have it. Yesterday. I was given my THIRD antibiotic. I'm at the point where I am just angry. I told my urologist that I am resistant to some antibiotics. Let's just say, I have had A LOT of bladder infections. I have been dealing with this for well over a month. I think it's been about 6-7 weeks. I have another 8 days to go before they can do another culture to determine if it's gone. Apparently the bacteria counts have gone down 'so they're doing something, we're getting close' the nurse says. Well, close doesn't cut. If this antibiotic doesn't work, they're going to have to do it my way. Like listen to me. My last infection took the pneumonia drug Levaquin to get rid of it. That's strong stuff. Unfortunately, I went to my family physician for that infection which was over 2 years ago. Of course they don't believe me. I like my doctor, I do. I think the not listening to their patients is a symptom of a larger problem. Many doctors do not listen to their patients or brush them off. I did it their way. If there's a next time, it'll be MY way.

The One Question I Never Want To Hear Tot Ask Again...

2008-11-12T08:51:00.001-09:00

Why?

It's Just What Mothers Do

2008-11-09T15:38:00.003-09:00

I don't know about anyone else, but my children and their well-being have come first, even to the detriment of my own health. I haven't been online much lately because I have been going to the damn urologist for the past two weeks. With both boys. At any rate, I felt ill for about two weeks before I even went to the doctor. Why? Who has the time with kindergarten and preschool, homework and chores, and kids' appointments, being paint mom and trying to find someone to watch Tot so now I can go to S.'s classroom to help him make a pine cone turkey. The note said that if a parent can't go to send someone else in our place because the children really need an adult to help. If I had an extra person in my life that would be open to that, why wouldn't I ask them to babysit Tot! As if I needed anymore stress. If I can't go my son will be the only one without a parent to help. Great. No pressure there! Then the next day is family reading night at the school. (Is it a bad thing to hope that we're home in time to watch some of Grey's Anatomy?) Oh, and did I mention the asthma attack that Tot has been dealing with this past week, as well as two weeks before. I have to make an emergency appointment with his pulmonologist. I wonder how I'm going to fit that one in. His doctor is at the children's hospital 40 minutes away. The doctor is only there two days a week and only for only a few hours. His last appointment of the day is about all I could manage without taking S. out of school. Oh, and did I mention that Hubby has been working 12 hour days? So I am doing this all by myself. I can't complain to him, because he's not happy with the hours he's working either.
I am now on my second antibiotic. The first one didn't work. Lovely. Just what I need. Not only do I feel like crap, but now I have to see the doctor again in a week to provide another 'sample' to be cultured. I'm beyond tired of this. I've been dealing with this now for almost a month. It's time that I feel better. I just need to figure out how to fit a little bit of time for me. Not for a massage, not for shopping, but to go to a doctor. Life as a mom has been really exciting lately!

Mish-Mash

2008-11-04T17:44:00.003-09:00

Hubby made it home okay, and the wasp is still in my house. I have no idea where. (I HATE BUGS, PARTICULARLY ONES THAT STING!) What I do know is tomorrow I will no longer have to hear those annoying political commercials. Can I have an AMEN!
I was in the city today as well. S. had off of school today, so my friend and I took our kids to see a children's play and then off to lunch at the 'train place'. A good day was had by all! Oh, my boys LOVE the city. (We weren't in the downtown area.) They ask me as I go down a street if we are in the city yet, and then on the way home if we are out of the city yet. It's too cute. I love the city too. The safe parts of course. Much more culture and diversity. You can walk pretty much anywhere. There is lots to do there. However, the schools are much better in the 'burbs. Well, that and other things I'm sure.
Tomorrow we'll have a president!

How I Knew My Day Wasn't Going To Be a Good One

2008-11-03T16:47:00.003-09:00

This morning started off with me spilling my son's entire glass of milk all over the kitchen floor. I mean there was milk on the cabinets, inside the cabinets, on our tables and chairs, on the stove and inside the dishwasher. Yes, the dishwasher. I was going to empty the dishwasher after I handed S. his milk. Needless to say, that dishwasher will be mighty full tonight!
There was the umpteenth wasp on our sliding door. I couldn't find bug spray. I called Hubby who told me to go to Target. Told him that wasn't going to help me right then. I opened up the screen, and basically willed that stupid bug out the door. While this bug remained on the door, I had to tell the kids to hurry up and eat their lunch since S. had to get on the PM kindergarten bus.
We walked out the door at the usual time. Remember this was the bus which, only a few weeks ago, had never showed up. Well, today it showed up all right. And early too. Gee thanks bus driver! I had to run with S. to the bus. In sandals since it was so nice out. The boys have tried these sandals on so many times they are stretched out, which has made them very hard to run in.
I had to mail the bills. We take them to the post office because I do not leave anything with money in our mailbox. We had an incident years ago. On the way, Tot starts screaming, "I don't want to go to the gym!" (His tumbling class.) This is the only day that a friend and I get to see each other. We go, I ask him one more time if he wants to play. He says no. I tell him to sit on the bench while I go in the play area. You can guess what happened next.
I had to go to the urologist. Last Monday I had a bladder infection and was put on some meds. I still didn't feel well today. Tot got to see the doctor's bathroom again, and I made my 'sample'.
I had lunch around 2PM. I went out to get S. off the bus at the usual time. Do you see where this is going? Yep, I heard the bus, and had to run again, in the same sandals. Hey, I didn't think I was going to miss the bus a second time! (Prior to this, I had almost always been the first one at the corner.)
Get phone call. Hubby is going to be late. He also has to be downtown tomorrow. Think about it. Obama is having his presidential party thing there. He and only one million of his friends! Public transportation will be a nightmare, and don't even think about driving. Mayor 'asshole' Daley tells people that they should leave their jobs early. Around 3:00PM. Okay....How are that many people going to leave their jobs? How would anything get done?! Moron!
I have worried so much I have literally made myself sick. Think back to The Taste of Chicago. Remember the gunfire and the gang activity the night of the fireworks? This is likely to be worse. When Mayor Daley tells you to get the fuck out of Dodge, you KNOW things are going to be bad! I can't stand the thought of losing my husband. I'm not being ridiculous about this. We ARE the murder capital of the entire country after all!

I think that's about all. I have to go wash my hair. I just got it highlighted and colored red. I love it! I only hope that the red stays in my hair this time. Sorry for being a downer. Oh, Hubby just got home. He's going to put the boys to bed. Things are looking up!

Finally, the Bathroom Renovation in Pictures! 80's Chic No More!

2008-10-24T15:26:00.027-08:00

Remember when I told you I was gutting my 80's -like bathroom? I did. Now that it's been almost six months, I've decided that I should make good on my promise of showing you the 'before' and now 'after' pictures. Here goes....

This was the lovely old faucet with the missing cap. The one I refused to replace, because I wasn't going to spend one more dime on that old bathroom!

....and here is the brand new model! I chose it because I liked it, but apparently it is all the rage in Europe. Look in your Pottery Barn catalog, there is one in there. Wow, I actually have one of the new 'cutting edge' faucets. I feel special now! I'm kidding, of course. (It is way better than the old one, don't ya' think?)

Another special item in the 80's bathroom. The ceramic tile......!!!

Okay, now turn your head to the side, and you'll see my new floor in a diamond-shaped pattern. My contractor was not happy with me since there ended up being way more cuts to make, but even he had to agree with me that it looks great. (He also was able to make more money, because he charged me more in labor, but it was worth it!) You can also see the side of my tub.

Oh, and the lighting. Although this lighting was special, it too had to go, along with the mirror.

Here is the new and improved version. You can kind-of see the color we put on the walls. Let me say this: THERE WILL NEVER EVER BE ANY MORE WALLPAPER IN MY HOME AS LONG AS I LIVE HERE, WHICH THE WAY THE ECONOMY IS GOING, WILL BE A VERY LONG TIME! And you can hold me to that.

Here is the back splash in my shower/bathtub. You can see the faucet and the shower head. I love the shower head, and no it doesn't move so it is not for that reason! I wish I had taken a picture of the shelves and soap dish which are travertine. I wanted that stone for the floor, but not only is it a bit over-priced, but it would have been higher that the rest of the flooring in my house, as well as a hazard when the floor is wet. I don't think me lying on the floor naked after a shower would be a good look:) Especially if my husband wasn't home, and I had to tell my son, hopefully the older one who knows his numbers, to get a neighbor or call 911. It makes me remember that scene on Sex and the City when Miranda throws out her back, and Carrie sends her boyfriend Aidan over. She, Miranda, is mortified because Aidan had seen her naked. Yeah, I think I've watched that episode too many times. But that's how I would feel. Needless to say, I chose different tile.

Oh, here is the special vanity. Look at the beautiful handles! They don't make 'em like that anymore. (Thankfully!) Those fake wood doors are pretty special too! Too bad I didn't take a picture of the cultured marble sink that had seen better days. Much better days.

Now look at the new and improved version. I had this one custom made. I love cherry wood! If you could see behind Tot, who had to be in the picture, you would see the three deep drawers. Love it! The sink is solid surface with the sink under mounted. I originally didn't want that. I really like my Corian sink in the kitchen where the sink is part of the entire counter system. That way no dirt or gross stuff can ever get stuck between the seam. Yes, I have had to clean bathrooms all my life. It was always MY job growing up, so I am very particular about these things.

I thought you'd like to see this picture of the lovely wallpaper and reminisce about all that it was, and all that it can never be again, now that it's gone. I am happy that I never have to see it again. I am also happy that I never have to tear it down again! I wish I could say 'never again will I have to take wallpaper down', but Hubby's bathroom has the last scraps of wallpaper in it. At least I don't have to look at this pink wallpaper anymore.

Remember these lovely shelves. Yep, I did the happy dance the day the vanity was taken out and destroyed!

Some Pictures of the Demo:

The floor smashed up. That was exhilarating!

Where the toilet used to be. The tile from the bathtub is behind there.

The old bathtub as the tile is being taken down.

I believe that is all! I will say this. We renovated our kitchen five years ago, it had the same lovely cabinets but that is another story entirely, and I still walk into it and am so happy that we did it. Every time I walk into my bathroom, I think the same. I realized long ago that if I change the things I look at every day, I feel better. I feel better when I am surrounded by the things I have picked out and love. Now on to the boys' bathroom..... Shhh!!!Don't tell Hubby!

Why Do They Do This???

2008-10-24T10:15:00.003-08:00

I had to buy a new cupcake pan. When I went to wash it, this is what I saw. Yep, one of those damn sticky labels attached to the inside of one of the molds. Those damn things are so hard to get off! This happens all the time! Why do these companies do this? This is just an example of the petty bullshit that pisses me off! Anyone else have this problem???

Do All Moms Of Boys Do This?

2008-10-18T11:39:00.002-08:00

I have talked about my husband's long hours before. Because of this, I feel it is important to spend some time with my oldest doing 'boy things'. Let me preface this by saying I am NOT a sports person. I am not athletic, I don't care about football and the Bears and I certainly was never what you'd consider as being a 'tomboy'. I was/am more girly than anything. I go to the gym and am stronger than I used to be, but that is about all that I do that requires strength.
Anyway, back to my boy. Having said all this, I know S. is all boy, and therefore he wants to do 'boy things'. His dad can only do these things on the weekends, and sometimes S. wants to do these things during the week. What's a mom to do? Let me tell you what I do. I have played catch with the baseball. I have also done this with a football. I have explained to him how to do these two things correctly. Yeah, me. That's a laugh, isn't it? I have showed him how to hit a ball on the tee my dad bought. Me, the 'the anti-sport'. But what can a mother with boys do? I believe you suck it up, and just do it. I actually think the people on my block are surprised to see us. Surprised to see a 'girl' out there teaching her son sports-related things. And THAT I love.

I Think This Means I Need To Go Back To Work

2008-10-16T07:55:00.003-08:00

The boys watch t.v. while I shower and get ready for the day; as if I'm ever ready! Anyway, I can hear the shows since I keep my bathroom door open. Today, I heard the regular intro. to 'Clifford', and was singing along with it. REALLY SINGING. And this is not the only children's show that I know the words verbatim. I have thought for a while now that I would really like to go back to work. Now I think I NEED to. Anyone else know the words to their child's favorite t.v. shows???

Bad Mama

2008-10-11T19:27:00.005-08:00

I am used to only having one child in school, therefore it has always been easy to remember what important things were going on and when. It was easy to be the 'good mom', because I only had to keep trap of one child's school life. Well, now that I have Tot in preschool along with S. in kindergarten, things have not been going as smoothly.

There is so much more going on with S. now. Homework, informational packets, meetings, etc...and it is so easy to lose sight of what's going on with Tot's preschool. For example, I forgot that last Thursday was 'show and tell day'. Just plain forgot. That night I woke up with a pit in my stomach. I felt horrible! If you think I am not organized and that is why I forgot, nope. I have a whole corner in our utility room dedicated to schedules, calendars, book logs, homework, school hand-outs, teacher hand-outs, and the like. Color coded and in my own type of filing system. See my proof below. So how in the hell did I forget?

I also feel bad about not being able to go to what's called 'Crayon Connection' at Tot's school. It is the last Thursday of the month. At that informal meeting, we learn all about what the kids have been learning, their progress and we get to see some things that they have been working on as a class. The kids are so excited to show their parents these! We also receive the monthly calendar and pay that month's tuition. S. went to this preschool for the last two years, and guess what? I was always there at those meetings for him. ALWAYS. Not for Tot. I can't go because I have to get S. on the bus at that time. Still makes me feel so guilty. I feel like a bad mother, because I can't always be there for my boys, mainly Tot.

Tired!

2008-10-08T18:37:00.004-08:00

I am so tired, I can feel it in my bones. I often wonder how older mothers, as in women in their 40's and fifties, who have small children do it! If I am this tired at the end of the day, and I am in my-gats!-mid-thirties, I just can't imagine doing it when I am older. Another reason Hubby got the ol' snip-snip. Now I am off to do laundry... S. has a special gym shirt that he has to wear on gym days, and tomorrow is a gym day. It is nearly 10PM. Did I mention that I'm tired???

Labeled

2008-10-08T09:31:00.006-08:00

The other day Tot and I were at the mall. Every time we go to the mall, he wants an 'Auntie Anne's pretzel'. So Tot and I walked down there to get him a pretzel. A month ago, our mall opened an 'Armani Exchange'. It is across from the pretzel store. I asked the woman at the pretzel store if she had been in there yet, and that it probably was very expensive. She said no, and that people who go there probably were only looking and buying there because of the name. She also said that she sees people all the time with those Coach purses, and most of them are ugly. That if they didn't say Coach on them, that people wouldn't buy them. I had to agree. I have two Coach purses, and I believe they are ugly and overpriced. In fact, the last one I bought had a zipper like the ones on coats, so I always had to use two hands to close it. I hated that! I then showed her my Kate Spade plain, black purse, and she liked that. Of course, I turned around the purse so the label didn't show. Luckily, I remembered it had a label on it before I showed it to her. Then suddenly I remembered I was wearing a Ralph Lauren shirt that I am sure she saw. How hypocritical, eh?

Here is the Coach purse.

***By the way, I finally got my period last week. I couldn't believe that my cycle had been 57 days ! As long as everything is okay, I wouldn't mind another long cycle. Pure bliss.

Invisible Mom and Wife

2008-10-07T17:24:00.004-08:00

Have you ever felt invisible? I do right now. As I've mentioned before, S.'s kindergarten schedule makes it almost impossible to do anything. Even when I am at a class or MOPS, I have to leave early. I am the MOPS coordinator and I have to leave an hour early so that I can get home in enough time to feed S. and get him on the bus. My days are no longer my own.

I have always looked forward to the weekends, mainly because Hubby is home. Him being home means I can actually go out myself. I can get my hair done, and not worry if I'm going to make it to an appointment on time. My friends amd I can have a girls' night out. Saturdays are great! This Saturday Hubby had to go into the office, and then he brought his laptop home to do even more work. See the boys look forward to Saturdays almost as much as I do. It's their 'Daddy Time', which is important for them all. Since Hubby couldn't be with them, I tried to make it up to them, but I know I'm not their father. I am trying to be both mommy and daddy, and to tell you the truth, I am afraid I'm not doing either one well enough.

I feel like the more Hubby has to work, the more things I take over. For example, Hubby used to take the boys with him to get their hair cuts. After S.'s hair was looking pretty scruffy, he got mad and told Hubby he needed a haircut. It was funny because I was thinking the same thing! Well, I finally took both kids to the barber. It needed to be done, and I know Hubby would appreciate having one less thing on his plate. Sometimes, though, I just feel like the nanny. I just attend to other peoples' needs.

Yesterday the kids were being all bossy and telling me what to do for them. Their attitudes were so bad, that I put them in their rooms. Believe me, it was the best thing for us all. I am a ball of stress lately, so treating me like hired help was not going over well with me.

Another thing that bothers me is since I never really get to go anywhere, I don't have a reason to spend more time to make myself look good. This bothers me because even when I had a baby, most of the time I managed to put a little powder and/or lipstick on. That's just me. I love make up. It's my 'thing.' I still do put some make up on, but I don't worry too much if my clothes, makeup etc doesn't look good. I only go to Tot's preschool drop-off and S.'s bus stop. The barber now too. (Maybe I should see if the barber can cut my hair too. One less thing to worry about!) I feel frumpy and old. I see lines on my face that weren't there just five years ago. The stress has shown up on my face. Yeah, I even pull my face upward to see what it used to look like with no wrinkles! Oh, and a little Botox. I swore, swore I would never touche the stuff. I probably still won't, but there are those days....

Sorry to be such a complainer. This day was better than yesterday, but I am still feeling angry and burned out. Stressed to the max!

Not the Way I Wanted To Start My Week

2008-10-06T16:00:00.003-08:00

Hubby has been working a lot. A LOT! As a result, I have been feeling kind of lonely around here. It doesn't help that my oldest has afternoon kindergarten, which makes it almost impossible to get together with friends to do something together. While he was in preschool, we still had our two full days a week where we could see a play or some other fun activity with friends. Not anymore. I spend most of my days by myself waiting to bring S. to the bus, Tot to preschool and/or pick S. up from the bus. Sunday nights are rough for me, because I know what the week will bring me.

This morning I was trying to be all positive. It almost worked too, until it was time to take S. to the bus stop with Tot in tow. We got there at the time we are supposed to: 11:30. We waited...and we waited...and then we waited some more. When the time school actually started came, I started to get really pissed off! I was trying to maintain my cool because I didn't want S. to worry. Two cars went by, rolled down their windows, and told me that they had been waiting for the school bus and now were just driving their kids to school. I decided to do that too. I don't think I have walked that fast in a long time. I was so angry! I drove S. over to his school, parked and brought him inside. The woman said to me that our bus had called them, and said that it was running really late. I replied, We waited 25 minutes." I tried to keep my cool again, because it wasn't this woman's fault. As S. walked to class, I told him his teacher wouldn't be made at him, and to relax, these things happen. I should have taken my own advice!

Monday afternoon happens to be Tot's day for tumbling. Yeah, wouldn't you know? We were a half hour late. No one could believe that the bus never came to pick us up. I mean, how long did they expect us to wait??? And what the hell was causing them to be so late anyway??? All I know is this day has not been the greatest.

Disapppointment

2008-10-05T13:29:00.002-08:00

The Cubs always break our hearts. There's always next year, I guess!

Go Cubs Go!

2008-10-01T18:52:00.003-08:00

Go Cubs Go-oo! Go Cubs Go-oo. Hey Chicago, what do you say? The Cubs are going to win today!

Okay, they are going to win the rest of the games. (As of this evening, they lost the first game.) I mean, look. My little men think they are #1. The Cubs will always have a special place in my heart, as well as the hearts of many of my relatives. We love you, Cubs, no matter what!

Pink

2008-10-01T18:40:00.004-08:00

Our Susan G. Komen 'Race for the Cure' was this past Saturday. I made the boys shirts this year. Being that it is dealing with Breast Cancer, I made the lettering pink and added sparkling pink pain to it. You know, to kind of dress it up a bit:) The shirts are short-sleeved, so I worried that the boys may be cold. Let's just say I shouldn't have wasted any brain cells worrying about that! It was over 80 degrees and beautiful. I even wore shorts! Here's a picture of my darlings. Their shirts say 'Walking in memory of Grandma'.
It did make my heart sad when S. said to my father,"We are walking for someone who's far away. She's up there (fingers pointing upward) in heaven with God." And that I know is true.

Does Everyone Have a Twin???

2008-09-30T11:00:00.002-08:00

When I was in high school, my boyfriend, the lovely one I wrote about, told me that he had an embarrassing situation to tell me about. He told me that he saw me, or what he thought was me, in the hallway. Thinking it was me, he went to grab her hand and said, "Hi Hun." He said he was shocked and embarrassed when she turned to him and gave him the what the fuck are you DOING look. Of course I did not believe him. I mean come on. No one can look that much like another person. It's just not possible.
Later two friends of mine came up to me to tell me the same story. Well, close to the same story. They didn't try to hold her hand. They kept saying to me,"She really does look like you." The next year when the high school yearbook was out, I heard from more people how this same girl looked, yep, just like ME, and these people didn't even know the others.
Two years ago while I was running the track at the gym, a man came up to me and started talking. I had my headphones on, so I could only see his surprised expression when he realized I wasn't the woman he thought I was. I took the headphones off, and he was so stunned that he told me the woman's name, Brigette..., and exactly where she worked. He said it was like looking in the mirror. It shocked him. O--kay.
And then I finally had it happen to me. Tot started the new session of tumbling. We have new people who have joined. We all start out in a large, red circle. Since it was the first class, we all introduced ourselves. As we went around the circle, I saw her. Now I was the person with the shocked look on her face. Guys, she looks just like me, expect with blue eyes. It's freaky! It really is like looking in the mirror. Maybe everyone really does have a twin.

Technology...

2008-09-24T19:05:00.002-08:00

As of 10 or so minutes ago, I am back online!!! Our modem broke on the weekend, and today was the first day they could get it to me. I am so addicted to the Internet and to these blogs! Anyway, I'm back.
Oh, and I am on cycle day 55 or so. There is no one who can watch my kids this week, so I'm not calling my GYN. Isn't that sad? I can't even go to the doctor.

What Now?

2008-09-17T18:16:00.002-08:00

I am on cycle day 48 and no period. Others have told me I need to call my doctor, because this isn't normal. I have to admit, though, while it's starting to really concern me, I am happy not having a period. Truly happy. That is if something major isn't wrong with me. Has anyone experienced something like this ever? If so, please tell me what caused it. People are starting to worry me that it could be something really major.

And We Wanted Him To Be Potty-Trained Why?.....

2008-09-07T17:23:00.002-08:00

A friend of mine and I took our three boys to the zoo. It was a gorgeous day, so we stayed longer than usual. Tot even told me twice when he had to go potty. (Pee, not poops of course!) I figured since he had gone so much that we would be fine for the 35 minute ride home. Oh, silly, silly me! We only just pulled onto the highway from the zoo exit, when my little bundle of love exclaimed,"Mommy, I've got to go potty." Of course, S. repeated what Tot said to me because apparently he thinks I am deaf all. the. time! So I do what any mom in that situation does. I ask him,"Can you hold it?" Luckily, he said yes, but I knew he couldn't do it for long.

When I got to the corner where we turn, I saw a Burger King. I figured he couldn't make it until we got to the nicer town, so I reluctantly turned into the parking lot. Let me say this. ***I hate public restrooms, particularly those of fast food restaurants. They are seldom clean, and I just get a feeling of 'ick' whenever I'm in one. I ran with Tot in hand, and S. following behind, into the bathroom. I felt a sense of dread when I realized that there were only two stalls and one was out of order, and the other 'occupied'. I kept talking loudly about Tot holding it hoping that would make the person in that stall hurry up. When she left, in we went. We made it! And on the way out, I wiped Tot, S.'s and my hands with the wipees that were in my purse. Unfortunately, I watched Oprah one day when their 'germ expert' was on, and I cannot for the life of me get the info. of a sink is the dirtiest place in the bathroom out of my head. That we are most likely to get sick from it, rather than the toilet. That the toilet is cleaner than the sink! Well, I also can't get the info. that one must use a kitchen brush-thing to clean the kitchen sink, because germs will continue to stick there if we don't. Hubby suggested I not watch anymore shows about germs. I'm tryin'! I'm also trying to stay out of fast food restaurant bathrooms. Hopefully, Tot will let me!

***The exception is the McDonald's restaurant in Albion, Michigan. That Mickie D.'s had the cleanest bathrooms of all restaurants, not just fast food restaurant, that I have ever been in. I should've written them that. Ah..I always have good intentions.

WTF!

2008-09-06T13:00:00.002-08:00

I have been taking an oral acne medication that has made me pretty much have my period all the damn time. Seriously. My cycles have been 17-18 days long, with bleeding (TMI) lasting around 7 days. Yeah. You can imagine then why, when my cycle went up to 25 days, I was so damn happy! Like jumping up and down happy. Well, I guess this is another example of 'be careful what you wish for' crap.
I am on day 37, dangerously close to day 40, at which I think I will call my gynecologist and ask him WTF to do. I have never been in this position before. Well, except when I was on injectables and developed a 33mm cyst, which apparently is very common when taking injectable drugs like Follistim, which I was on. But, and I repeat, I am not on ANY fertility drugs this time. So, do I ask for Provera? Will he want to me to have an U/S to check for cysts? Crap! I don't want to have an U/S. Those were only fun when I had a baby inside of me. I also haven't had a pap since my oldest was 6 weeks old. I am tellin' the truth on that one. My OB didn't give me one in the first trimester with Tot due to the twins' situation, and they forgot to give me one at Tot's 6-week check-up, and I did think of telling them, but I was real tired of having that part of my anatomy touched! So I am also nervous that they'll want me to come in for that, and I have no sitter and my husband works ridiculous hours, and did I mention that he is now on a jury for a case that will take at least 2-3 weeks?! I don't think they'll excuse him to watch our kids due to his wife having to go to the gynecologist! Okay, that's all besides the point.

You want to hear what my husband said to me when I told him how late I am? "Did you take a test?" I responded with,"Did you forget you had a vasectomy?" And with that, I will go and change Tot's poopy diaper that he made during nap time, because this child will not go poop on the potty no matter how many things that I try to bribe him with! Stubborn little shit, ain't he? No pun intended.

Inappropriate, Maybe, But Definitely Funny!

2008-09-03T07:41:00.003-08:00

Friday the 22nd was my mom's birthday. I always try to visit her grave on this day. The boys are lucky; they get to go with! At any rate, I told S. that we needed to go to the cemetery. He replied,"What do we need to get there?" It may be time to talk with him about the whole death thing, don't ya' think! But I did answer what a cemetery was and why we go there. When we got to my mom's grave, we sang Happy Birthday softly to her, and then said a prayer. After that I told my mom what the boys were doing. You know kindergarten and preschool etc... Then we went to leave. Now remember my son loves numbers. He kept telling me the years that were on the grave stones. Then it was like a mild competition between the two of us to see which one could find the earliest date. He won. He found the year 1870. It's funny because S. is SO afraid of weeds. He absolutely refuses to walk on them, or touch them in any way! However, he walks over name plates and fresh graves like it's nothing. Hubby and I agree that when he understands what he is standing on, he'll freak out. But for now, he is happy doing that. He's none the wiser.

Now onto Tot's funny story. Monday, the whole family went grocery shopping. Do we know how to celebrate a holiday or what! Well, I needed to buy some tampons, so off we went to that aisle. As we started walking Tot said,"Why are we in the diaper aisle?" Hubby and I just laughed. But then Tot says pointing to a box of Tampax,"I want those." I just told him that he will never be in need of any of these items and walked away. Kids sure say the darn-est things, and made the end of our holiday weekend more bearable.

Hold Me!

2008-08-29T07:22:00.009-08:00

This year is the year that S. starts kindergarten. On Tuesday night, his school had an orientation to familiarize the kids, as well as the parents, with the routines, expectations, where the rooms are, as well as meeting the teacher. I didn't realize that S. starting kindergarten would be hard for me in more than one way. Walking down the hallway and seeing all of the recently decorated classrooms, and listening to his teacher made me miss my job so much! I am used to being on the other side. I'm used to being the teacher who talks with the parents at open house. Did I also mention that S.'s school is in the same district as the one I used to teach in, and that I have been to that building, and have even met his teacher? That I could tell him exactly where everything is? Man, was that weird!

On Sunday, I had my official 'meltdown'. I can't believe my miracle baby, the baby we tried so long and hard to have, was now old enough to go to 'regular' school. He had been nervous all week, and had so much energy that I think that was how God made his leaving easier for me!

Hubby was able to work from home, so he could be there with me to walk S. to the bus stop, as well as pick him up. S. didn't know Daddy was staying home, so this was a big surprise to him! Another surprise for us is that the weather sucked! It rained, and rained and rained! Of course, after we got him on the bus, it stopped. All I can say is, it's a good thing he's a boy, because we didn't have to worry about fixing his hair.

S. has been so excited about going on the school bus all summer long. He looked a bit nervous as he boarded the bus, but he found a seat quickly and off he went! Turning around to go home was bittersweet. I was so excited for him, but at the same time I was a little sad. My baby was 'officially' a kindergartener, and he is moving farther and farther away from me.

It has been a hard adjustment for me. This kindergarten thing. My days are completely different. S. has afternoon kindergarten which means that I have to get him to the bus by 11:30. It is almost impossible to plan something for the morning. Then he is only at school two and a half hours, making only a few short trips possible. No more plays, trips to the zoo, trips to a playground, lunches out with friends or play old hanging out and doing crafts.To be honest, though, I don't deal well with change. Never have, and probably never will. Sunday nights have been hard for me lately. At least Hubby is there to talk to.

About four weeks prior to school starting, I called his principal to let her know about S.'s math abilities, so she could let his teacher know. His principal was nice and all, and even suggested maybe sending him to first grade for math. She also switched him to a teacher she felt would be better able to service/challenge him well, however she never told S.'s teacher about him. I felt like an ass when I brought S. up to her, and introduced him like she should have already known who he was, as well as his special needs. When she looked at me quizzingly, I asked her if the principal told her about S. You could tell she was peeved at her principal. I mean orientation/open house is not the time to find out that you have a student with special needs, that are not learning disabled but rather has a higher ability level. Our school district is full-inclusion, which basically means a student has to have a disability that is severe in order to be put in a self-contained classroom. (I could tell you stories!) I feel badly for S.'s teacher since she has both ends of the spectrum in her classroom. I've been there, and I can tell you how hard it is to meet every one's needs. It's almost impossible.

As I told the principal, we are going to give this school a try and see what happens. She acknowledged that S. could get bored or not want to come to school. I agree. I will be an advocate for my son. I know this district inside and out, and I know how they pull the wool over parents' eyes. Most times parents don't know that their child has a classroom with children with major learning disabilities and behavior disabilities. I'm not talking about children in wheelchairs with merely physical disabilities. I actually feel that benefits kids, and makes them more compassionate. I'm talking about having children with autism, not minor autism, children with major emotional/behavior disorders that bring box cutters to school in the THIRD grade. Students delivered by the police several times a week. Students who disrupt the entire class when their parent forgot/didn't want to give them their medicine. Students' parents that threaten you in front of other children; that actually happened to me! The police would stand out in the hallway then. I could tell you some awful stories, because I was the teacher who would get these students, because I was so good with them! Thanks!

The main thing that would bother me is these students have to be pulled from the classroom many times, and we were told that we could not teach anything else when they were gone, because they couldn't miss any of that instruction. I always tried to schedule my special needs pull-out in the mornings when I had 'Daily Oral Language' because I would simply type up what I put on the board, and when they came back they could follow with us as we went over that skill. I always felt badly for the parents, because I couldn't tell them the extent of the problem. Well, now you see why I am reluctant to send S. to this district. Now before you think we live in a bad school district, it actually has high test scores. Teachers bust their asses for this to happen. (We also have a gifted program that is in a self-contained classroom, which certainly helps.) I won't go on about my disdain over these 'tests'. I will only say that I don't like them.

Well, enough about the bad stuff. The good things are that S. likes going to school. He likes riding the bus, and feeling like a big boy. He tells his brother all about kindergarten. It's too cute! He seems to like his teacher, and loves their snack of chocolate milk and graham crackers. I hear all about that!

I'll leave you with a picture of my big boy getting on the bus. Tugs at my heartstrings every time he climbs onto that bus. I have to remember he's a big boy now, and I have to let him go whether I want to or not, and I'd rather not.

Nature vs. Nuture?

2008-08-26T18:26:00.004-08:00

Last Sunday, S. attended Children's Church, as he usually does, while we were in listening to the service in the sanctuary. After the service was over, we went to collect him. Apparently, they were told to draw a picture. I don't know what the directions for this picture were, but I am thinking his picture was not exactly what they were looking for!

See, I love 'Shark Week' on the Discovery Channel. I always have. Now that my children are old enough to watch it, we watch it together. I did not realize what S. would take from that week. I do now. His picture showed a shark with a smiley face going up to eat a seal that had a sad face on it. Apparently, my son was actually listening to the program! I guess he learned how 'nature' works, and wanted to share it with others. I wish he was like his brother who only wants to wear, watch and talk about sharks.

Reformed Snob

2008-08-21T18:00:00.003-08:00

Our MOPS groups gets a 'little' something for each mom when they have a birthday. I volunteered to do the shopping and, since our budget is lower this year, offered to pay for them. Enter the Dollar Store.

I don't want to seem like a snob, but I haven't gone into a dollar store in decades. I figured things would be made poorly and the like. However, I wanted to buy twenty items and cheap! Well, I found nirvana there.

Not only did I get twenty presents for twenty dollars, but I found other items as well. I was so surprised to find that there were some name brand things in there! Of course, there were items I have not seen since my childhood, but all in all it was a positive experience.

I can't say this will be a store that I will frequent, but now that I know what it sells, I will now go back when I need one of those items. I will no longer be a snob about where I buy things. Okay, I will try not to be a snob about it!

Politically Incorrect

2008-08-18T06:52:00.002-08:00

S. and Tot have this thing where they squeeze each others noses and say 'Honk, Honk.' Yesterday, S. said to Tot,"Let's do our honkies." It took every fiber of my being not to laugh. I don't know what to say to him to get him to stop saying that. After all, he'll be starting school next week, and I don't think saying 'honkies' in class is the best way to start the year! Plus, can you imagine what his teacher would think about his home life? Hey, at least we ARE white! Any ideas on how to approach this???

Thankfully, He Wasn't 'The One'

2008-08-12T14:08:00.004-08:00

I think every woman has had that special, intense, I can't live without you boyfriend that ends up not being the person you thought he was. It may take weeks, months or hell, even years for some of us, but we eventually find out the truth. And, in most cases, it ain't pretty.

I met my 'special guy' during my freshman year of high school. In the beginning of the year, I found him annoying, but by the end I was 'in love'. Jason was a popular football player, who hated my old boyfriend, another football player. We bonded over our hate for him, and later discovered that we liked each other quite a bit. That was the beginning of a three year, on again off again relationship that did not end well at all. AT ALL.

Jason spoiled me. His family had more money than mine. I had to use my babysitting money if I wanted to buy a hot lunch at school. Jason took care of that. He gave me lunch money. He would also give me my favorite candies and flowers in my locker. He treated me as if I was the most important person in his life, and in some ways I believe I was. He was also possessive, and as a teenage girl I thought that proved he loved me. When this one guy, Rick, would hit on me in Math class, Jason would literally go into the classroom to ask him what his problem was. He did this more than once. When Rick stood at my locker one day, and apparently put his hands close to my butt, Jason saw. A few hours later he beat Rick up pretty badly. No one does that to HIS girlfriend. He got suspended for that one. At my brother's graduation party that spring I had a wine cooler, my mom knew, and he freaked about the alcohol on my breath. I didn't find out for two years that his mother was a rabid alcoholic.

The end of the school year came too soon. My family and I were moving an hour away to be closer to my dad's new job. I couldn't imagine leaving Jason! My parents, though, could not stand him. I think they were happy to, what they thought would be, see the last of him. A few weeks before we moved, some things happened, and my mom told me I had to stop seeing him. You see where this is going, right? That made me want to see him more.

I hated this new town; I'll call it small town. It was so small, and there seriously was nothing to do. All these people did was have sex and drink. There was nothing else to do. I hated this place, because I wanted more. I saw Jason secretly during the summer whenever we would go back to, what I termed, civilization. I even drove with my friend and her boyfriend back to civilization while my parents were on vacation and my brother was watching me. No one in my family knows this even to this day.

We continued to talk, and I found out he had sex with this girl because, as he coined it, she reminded him of me. Yeah. And I still loved him. Stupid, stupid me. Finally, we decided to take a break. Even though I loved him, it was making me depressed whenever we talked. During the next year, I still loved him, but I started dating other people as did he apparently. We talked a bit during our junior year, and both said the song 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn' by Poison, best described how we felt. Whenever we talked, we would continue to say we loved each other, and after high school we were going to see each other no matter what my parents said. I couldn't wait!

The end of that summer, the guy I had gone out with for nearly a year, broke up with me. He was going back to Southern Illinois University and, get this, decided that not seeing each often enough made it hard to sustain a relationship. We did remain friends. He was a nice guy.

After that happened, I wrote to Jason, and we started back up again. This time with my mother's knowledge. My family had to go back to civilization twice, and we got together. No, my parents didn't know. Despite my mom being okay with us talking, seeing each other was a different thing all together. When I rang the doorbell at his house, he picked me up and twirled me around as he always did. It had been over a year since we had actually seen each other, but it felt like it had been no time at all. When I had to leave, he cried. As I wiped a tear that was falling down his face, I thought there would never be anyone I could love this much. I looked forward to the summer after our senior year when we would start our lives together.

Well, things happen as they always do. Those things made me realize Jason wasn't all that I thought he was. The last time I called, his mom gave him the phone and he hung it up. Yep. I could not believe he did that! My feelings alternated between being sad and angry.

I dated again, and eventually fell in love with someone else. I made new friends through this relationship, and had a lot of fun. But the feelings for Jason, both anger and love, didn't go away.

Then the thing I never thought would happen did. My family was moving back to civilization. This time I didn't want to go. I was in small town's junior college with all of my friends and current boyfriend, and I finally was happy. How ironic was that? I had wanted to go back for four years, and now I didn't want to leave small town. Well, move we did, and this time my then boyfriend and I stayed together since, unlike Jason and I when I moved, we were both old enough that we had cars and all.

That winter I started attending civilization's junior college. My first day I ran into his sister, AND she is FIVE years older than me. I never would have expected to see HER. She apparently went home and told Jason that I was back. He didn't believe her, and called my old number in small town. Of course, it was disconnected.

After that, I told myself I needed to find out if he was going to civilization's junior college too. Of course, that wasn't why I was calling him, but I lied to myself about that one. I called him up, and we talked and I found out he had just started that semester. Lucky me! We agreed that he would meet me at my philosophy classroom the next week, and he did. He wanted to find out whatever happened to me after he hung up the phone on me that fateful day. Asshole! I was only a phone call away if he had truly wanted to talk to me. Unfortunately, I was still under his spell and decided I wanted to see him too. After all that he had done to me. I can see now how stupid I was being, and I knew I should tell him I never wanted to see him again after all that had happened, but the truth was I did want to see him.

The next week came, and I walked into the classroom where Jason was waiting for me. He immediately picked me up and twirled me around as he always had. He acted as though nothing had happened two short years ago. I was both pissed off and flattered that apparently he was 'still in love with me.' For a long time, he would meet me at my classroom every Tuesday and Thursday. Then he turned back into the asshole Jason I had known so well over the course of the last two years. He told me I wore too much make up, and he didn't like my blond hair. I was going to eventually dye my hair back to brown because I wasn't liking it so much anymore, but I dyed it brown soon after he said that. From everything that he said I finally determined that he wanted the old me back. The one that was 15 and wore very little make up. The naive', fun girl. I think he would have been happy with even my 17-year old self, but the 20-year old me? The independent me? Nope. Soon after that he told me it was my turn to come to his classroom to see him. The classroom was right down the hall from mine, so it wasn't like a huge deal for him to come to mine. Of course, one time I did. He wasn't there, and I never did that again. He was still in my dreams, and I knew it was stupid to even be thinking about him, particularly after the terrible things that he had done to me. Why was it so hard for me to de-tangle myself from this creep? History? I don't know.

I didn't see him again until that summer when was my and my gorgeous (that's another story) boyfriend's waiter. Uh-huh. Can you say uncomfortable. After that, I didn't see him until Hubster and I went to a long time friend's wedding. We walked into the church, and there he was. And I started shaking. I knew that after the church I would be spending the evening with him at the reception. Just knowing he would be there made me nauseous. Bring on the anxiety! Be there he was. Now I never dance by myself. With friends or Hubby, yes, but by myself no. When I heard the song ***'I Will Survive' by Gloria Gaynor, I got my ass on the dance floor. And I sang that song to him. And I looked right at him. Later that night, there was a slow song, and we all got onto the dance floor. Jason danced right next to me with his girlfriend. Seeing as how Hubby and I had just got engaged, I put my hand on Hubby so Jason could see my beautiful ring, and know that I was getting married to someone other than him. That felt good!

That was the last time I saw him until this weekend, which was odd, because I have had to drive by his parent's house every day for two years when I drove S. to preschool. Anyway, Hubby was driving and the two kids were in their car seats. I immediately spotted him as we drove by. I stopped talking, and Hubster knew something was up. The good thing is that Jason has a shaved head, and it looks awful. Hubby says that men do that when they're balding. Ha!

The past crept in my head, but this time it wasn't for long. Hubby reminded me of who I am now, and how much we have together. How wonderful a life we have. I knew I could never have had that with Jason. So, I guess when it's all said and done, things worked out in my life much better than they could have if Jason and I had stayed together. I love my family;I am truly blessed with good friends as well. I know I will never forget that time of my life. How could I? I guess the good thing that came out of it is that I found out how strong I am. You know, after someone has broken up with you, when people tell you how you are better off without him? Or it's loss? I believe it is. I really do. Finally.

***'I will Survive', by Gloria Gaynor

At first I was afraid,

I was petrified,

kept thinking I could never live without you by my side,

but then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong,

and I grew strong,

and I learned how to get along!

As so you're back, from outer space,

I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face,

I should've changed that stupid lock

I should've made you leave your key,

if I had known for just one second,

you'd be back to bother me.

Oh now go,

walk out the door,

just turn around now,

cause you're not welcome anymore,

weren't you the one who tried to break me with good-bye,

you'd think I'd crumble,

you'd think I'd lay down and die!

Oh no not I,

I will survive,

Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive,

I've got all my life to live,

I've got all my love to give

I'll survive, I will survive!

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart,

just trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart,

and I spent oh so many nights just feelin' sorry for myself,

I used to cry,

but now I hold my head up high,

and you see me,

somebody new,

I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you,

and so you felt like dropping in,

and just expect me to be free,

but now I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me.

Oh, now go,

walk out the door,

just turn around now,

cause you're not welcome anymore,

weren't you the one who tried to break me with good-bye,

you'd think I'd crumble,

you'd think I'd lay down and die!

Oh no not I,

I will survive,

Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'm still alive,

I've got all my life to live,

I've got all my love to give

I'll survive, I will survive!...........

Falling Down; Not Just For Kids

2008-08-01T07:54:00.010-08:00

This week, I fell. I fell hard. Down the stairs. What was I doing? Running upstairs to get Tot's shoes so we wouldn't be late for Summer Camp. It seems that I always am running late! This week, I made sure I was up and ready to go earlier than I needed to be!

Anyway, I slipped on the stairs. I admit that I was running. Down I went with a thump. It was one of those moments where I thought I could catch my footing, but soon realized it was beyond my control. I slid on my left side all the way down the stairs. Not only did I feel stupid, but I sustained injuries. They still hurt almost a week later. I took some pictures. They are blurry, but you can the idea.

This is the black and black-and-blue carpet-burn that I sustained on the way down. This is also the bruise that caused people to ask what in the world happened to me. Imagine parent-tot swim. It's bad enough to have to wear a bathing suit without this little number! And for all of you who have looked at those waterproof sport band-aids. They don't work. Even when you put two on, they don't keep the water out. Let me tell you what chlorine inside my wound felt like!

My elbow which sustained the same injury. Not a good picture, but I tried.

My pinky toe was not to be spared. Half of it fell off. I didn't realize this until I went to drive. I had to go, because I didn't want S. to be late. So I went with an elbow bleeding, and half a nail. Ah...what mothers do for their children.

I will say my boys were awesome. They immediately ran to the bottom of the stairs to see how I was doing. Now S., being a numbers man and all, told me that I started to fall from the second step. Good to know, S. That kid surprises me everyday! Anyway, they both hugged me, and we went on our way. Oh, when I was on the bottom of the stairs, I said to them,"What did we learn here?" Their faces were blank. I told them, "This is why we never run in the house!" Hey, the experts say that actions speak louder than words, so we should show our kids. And that I did.

Of Computer and Maybe Blogger

2008-08-01T07:33:00.002-08:00

First off, I have not been able to read most of the blogs from blogger for, of, about two weeks. Either it's my computer or blogger itself that is the main culprit, but either way I can't pull them up. When I try to a lovely Do you wish to continue, or something, comes up on the blog I am reading, and I always hit the 'yes' button, but it doesn't budge. I then have to log off the entirely, and then the computer shuts down entirely. It is really pissing me off! So if I haven't e-mailed you lately, please don't take it personally.

Hearing the Bells

2008-07-27T10:56:00.002-08:00

On Friday, I picked S. up from Summer Camp. As we were walking out, a church was playing its bells to signify the hour of 12:00 had begun. I said to S. that Grandma Debbie, my mom, always loved hearing church bells. S. then turns to me and asks, "Can Grandma Debbie still hear the bells?" I said to him with tears in my eyes,"I think she can S.; I think she can."

Back To Life, Back To Reality

2008-07-23T10:30:00.006-08:00

Last week, Hubby and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary by taking a much needed vacation sans kids. This is the first time we left them this long. It was only 5 days, but we've only left them for a weekend at my brother's. Believe me, I would have left them and gone on a vacation long ago if my mom was still alive. Or if my ILs were normal people.

Hubby and I stayed here. We were going to go to Hawaii for our anniversary since Hubby has all of those points from flying all over the world, but my brother couldn't take them all week. And if you're going to Hawaii, if you have less than a week, what's the point. So a 2 hour drive to the resort was all we could manage.

We had so much fun! Couples' massages, swimming in the 'adults only' pool, Dining at nice, but casual, restaurants. Oh, how wonderful it felt to not have to decide what we're having for dinner! Reading book in peace and quiet! Being able to have a conversation with each other, without being interrupted so often that we forgot what we were saying in the first place. Anyone know what I mean on that one? Oh, how relaxing it was. Then Friday came. We had to leave. I did not want to leave. I did not miss my children. I only missed my dog since I sleep with her every night. Isn't that awful? Am I a bad mother?

Well, came back we did, and the noise started immediately. We definitely are back to reality!

Of Course It Happened In Front of The Kids!

2008-07-08T15:39:00.003-08:00

Yesterday I took the boys with me to 7-11 to get a 'Big Gulp.' I really love Coca-Cola! Anyway, I brought it into the family room to drink. The kids are not allowed to have any food or drink in this family room. What happened, you ask? I accidentally kicked the coke off of the coffee table. At first, I was more upset by the fact that my beloved cola had spilled and only a fraction of it was left. Hey, Mama needs her caffeine buzz! Then I discovered that all of that cola was all over the carpet. The beige carpet. Yep. The only thing I could think of to tell the boys was,"See that's why we don't drink in the family room." Duh!

Is This Normal For a Massage???

2008-07-02T14:07:00.002-08:00

I was able to have a massage the other day, pure nirvana!, and something surprised me. The masseuse moved my underwear to the sides, and massaged my butt. The entire cheek area. It didn't feel sexual at all, it just felt weird. Yes, I have had a massage at that spa before and I never got a 'butt massage'. My question here is has anyone else been given a 'butt massage'. Is this normal???

Will He EVER Poop!

2008-06-30T14:07:00.002-08:00

For the last 6 weeks or so we have been potty training. Actually, the Tot wanted to put underwear on like his big brother. Luckily, I saved S.'s Thomas 2T/3/T underwear. He was so ready to wear his 'Thomas' underwear!
Well, pee training has gone VERY well. There are times he has accidents. Like last week at the park. He didn't want to stop playing, so he just wet himself, and promptly told me,"I wet myself." Lovely! Prior to that, though, he has gone over 2 weeks without an accident.

The bad news is he has never gone poop in the potty. When his brother was having trouble potty training, I simply took off his underwear and that was that. I did that with Tot. He pooped on the floor. For a long time, he would poop in his underwear. Now, he has been saving it up for when he's wearing a diaper at nap time and bedtime. I'm glad that he hasn't pooped in his underwear lately, but damn, will he EVER poop in the potty? He starts preschool in the fall, and I wonder if he will be able to go. They have to be fully potty trained there to go. I'm starting to get worried. I have not made a big deal about poop in his diaper anymore, since he would just laugh and think it was funny. I just don't know what else to do. Any suggestions?

Breaking One of the Rules of Infertility

2008-06-24T16:22:00.002-08:00

Across the street from my house, a couple went through a lot to get pregnant. They have one child; all repeated attempts at IUIs and multiple IVFs to have another child failed. They were wonderful to us when we were experiencing our difficulties, often at the same time.
When their insurance would pay no more, they decided it was time to let having another biological child go. I gave them all of my adoption information from when we thought we might adopt. We had even chosen an agency. They were very excited about adopting a child. All of the necessary paperwork was completed, and then it was time to wait...and wait and wait.
I do not know what happened since this was all during my pregnancy with Tot, and I felt I shouldn't ask. See, when Tot was 2 months old, they started to put a beautiful addition onto their house.
The next year, they told us that the addition was their 'baby'. I felt if they wanted us to know more, they would tell us, so I didn't ask again. We have talked many times since then, and I know that the pain of infertility is still with them. They tried so hard, and yet they never were able to parent that second child.
Yesterday, Hubby and I were talking with the husband. Tot was being a royal pain in the neck, so I said the one thing no one should say to someone that has gone unsuccessfully through infertility. I said,"Do you want a boy?"
A few hours after I said it, I realized what I had done. I feel like an asshole. I should know better. I want to call and apologize, but that would simply be adding salt to the wound. I feel like a total asshole!

"Is This Worth it?

2008-06-23T16:49:00.011-08:00

I have been plagued by acne since I went off the pill 7 years ago to try to get pregnant. This past year I decided that I had enough! I found a dermotolgist through my step-mom, and went to her. We tried the old stand-by: antibiotics and Retin-A. That did not work. Plus, with all of the antibiotic resistence that has been going on, I did not think taking antibiotics was a good solution. So we tried Tazorac. It did not work. Then the doctor asked me if I had thought about Accutane. Yes, Accutane. Being that I am clinically depressed, and one of the side effects is depression, I really did not think it was a good idea. The only thing left was taking Spironolactone, a drug that is used for hypertension. It is used as an off-label drug for acne. It works by suppressing the male hormones which are responsible for most of the acne seen in woman. There are side effects, of course, but minimal when compared with accutane. I had to have a chem. screen done first because of some effect it has on your kidneys, and I was good to go. I scheduled an appt. for 3 months later, and went on my way. The result: it didn't work. I was so frustrated! At my next appt., she could see that it hadn't worked. I had two options. Try to up the dose, or try Accutane. We talked about my fears of Accutane, and I told her I would talk with my psychiatrist about it. She then decided to perscribe me the highest dose of spirononlactone to try. Her point about Accutane was that after one or two cycles of it, the acne would be completely gone, so there would be no more drugs to take. With the other drug, I would have to keep taking it pretty much forever.

I took the prescription for the other drug, and talked to my pychiatrist about the Accutane. Yeah. He pretty much was 'oh hell no. We agreed why add something like Accutane when I was doing so well with my depression. I would rather have zits than depression!

The problem is this drug has side effects. Menstrual irregularities being #1. Let me say that it has not been fun having two periods a month, and they keep getting closer together. Husband isn't happy about this either. Planning a vacation just for the two of us not knowing if we can even have sex, you know-spontaneous no kids around sex, basically blows. I was a like clockwork girl. I like to have control of this, to know when it's coming. I also have not enjoyed the lightheadedness, nor the out of breath feeling that happens when I walk up a flight of stairs. Working out has been interesting, I'll tell you that! But, but....my skin is beautiful. Really, really beautiful! It has not looked like this since I was a teenager, and didn't have much acne to contend with. I wear a lot less make-up, and feel more self-confident. It is wonderful not having to worry about my make-up smudging off. Sometimes I even feel like I have good skin. My only question is do the benefits outweigh the side effects?

One of Those Mothers?

2008-06-09T14:11:00.002-08:00

Today I did it. I took my oldest to summer camp, and put the 'baby' to sleep. I also fell asleep, and didn't wake up until it was one minute before the time I had to pick S. up. Wouldn't you know that when I got Tot up, he had a poopy diaper! When I finally managed to pick S. up, he was standing there alone. I felt horrible! I profusely apologized to the teachers, who luckily have known me for a while. The kicker to this story is when I walked in I still had the imprint of my pillow on my cheek. Yeah, I didn't even try to explain why I was late. It was written all over my face.

Night of the Twisters

2008-06-08T16:49:00.005-08:00

Hubster and I, along with the kids, went to a water park resort this weekend. We had a good time, well, as good of a time as you can have when you bring your kids along! By Saturday evening we were all feeling the effects of the weekend 'fun.' While we watching the news, we saw our family members' town on the screen. They had a tornado touch down by them. All that kept being shown, over and over, was the tornado's destruction. The tornado had struck down on one of the major highways and as a result, cars and a large semi were knocked down. That part of the highway is still closed. Roofs were blown off houses, and the poor farmers were hit hard. One horse farm had the roof of its stable blown off. When the owners came back from the area they went to when the tornado hit, they found that even though the roof had blown off, all seven horses were still there and they were fine. They looked as though nothing had just happened. It was amazing! The main problems after the tornado hit, is all of the downed electrical wires as well as possible looting. Aren't people wonderful?

Being so far away was hard. Not knowing if my family was okay was difficult. All I could think of was that I didn't have their phone number with me. When we got home this afternoon, I called them to see if they were okay. I prayed they would answer, because if they didn't, the news would not have been good. The good news is that they answered their phone and were not hit directly. The bad news is they had minor damage to their property, but no power. It isn't expected to return for another 2-3 days. The electric company's trucks are all over, and doing what they can.

My parents were in a horrible tornado in 67', and never did get over the effects. Whenever there was a bad storm and taking cover was advised, my mom would tell us to quickly get in the basement. We always went too slowly for her liking. I think that we never thought we would be touched by a tornado, so we didn't see the point of rushing. My mom did. When she passed away, I took her copy of the newspaper depicting that tornado. She always kept it in her drawer. I never understood that, but I do now.

You Know You've Turned Into Your Mother...

2008-06-02T13:44:00.004-08:00

While in the dressing room with your son, you tell him not to ball up his clothes and throw them on the floor.
When your oldest says to you,"What's Tot going to have to do?", and you tell him to worry about himself not his brother.
When your son tells you something isn't fair, and you tell him life isn't fair..
When you tell your kids when they are done with something to put it back where it belongs.
When you say how tired you are of all the mess.
When you find yourself asking if you're doing everything around the house.
When you ask your son,"Did you not HEAR me? I told you to..."
When you ask, "Who's fed the dog today?"
When you yell at your older son to stop touching his brother!
When you find a toy broken, clothes on the floor etc..., and you tell your son he is lucky to have nice things, and he needs to take care of them...or Grandpa etc. bought you that and you need to take care of it. Or, "What happened, that's your good shirt! You need to take better care of it!"
When one of your children has spilled something, etc.., and you loudly tell them,"I can't have anything nice anymore!" or something along those lines.
When you tell your son to 'watch what he's doing' in a variety of situations.
When you say,"I'm not going to do it for you."
When you ask,"Why would you do that?!"
When you yell,"Clean your room!"

***So what do you do/say that reminds you of what your parent/s used to say to you???

Is This Our Version of Wonderland?

2008-06-01T17:35:00.009-08:00

Yesterday a couple of my friends and I took our kids to see a play at an arts center in Chicago. We had gone there before, and the kids really enjoyed it. (We have to keep the kids busy!) This time the play was 'Alice in Wonderland.' The book version always freaked me out, and this play did too. However, the cast did a wonderful job! The boys were even able to tell me their favorite characters and why they were their favorites. They definitely are getting older!

S. loves going to this Chicago neighborhood, as do I. My cousins' house is there, and I always remember, as a child, thinking how beautiful it was. This neighborhood also has many little shops, and very few chain stores and restaurants. Living in the burbs', it seems all we have are chains!

This neighborhood is not perfect, though. It isn't as picturesque as it looks. You cannot go east of a certain street, because that neighborhood is terrible. The crime rate has soared in the last decade. However, to the west the neighborhood is still very good. Well, as good as any neighborhood in the city can be.

When I was in my early 20's, I used to go to a bar out there with my friends. The first time I went I assumed, due to it being in the city and all, that there would be an ethnic mix. There was none. The customers were all white, and still are. This bar is Irish, and if you know anything about the Irish in our city, Mayor Daley..., they generally tend to be opinionated. They aren't going to put up with anything, and generally like to stick together. As an example, a guy friend of mine from college said he could never marry me because I wasn't Irish. Not for any other reason. As a result, we never dated. What would be the point? Irish ancestry is revered that much here.
My point here is there are only white people in this bar. I really couldn't believe it, as the neighborhood isn't strictly white, being the city and all. Our bars in the burbs' have more of a mix. I am not going to slam whites like Father Pleger did at St. Sabina. Personally, I am tired of hearing how awful white people are. Now I am not a fan of Hillary Clinton, but I feel strongly that he went too far in his 'sermon'.

At any rate, if you go to the other side of town, those bars are the same except that whites aren't accepted. The problem I have here is each of these bars are segregated. Haven't we gotten past this? I thought people wanted to be brought together. Not the whole 'separate but equal' bullshit from so long ago. Maybe I'm wrong, but every time I see the movies captured during the civil rights days, particularly with Martin Luther King in them, I feel that all of us in this world are more alike than different, and that people were fighting to be treated well regardless of race or religion. Is this idea of a truly united states a vision of our own 'wonderland' that we may never see?

Do You Think We Look Alike?

2008-05-30T13:19:00.002-08:00

Jinxed

2008-05-24T12:21:00.004-08:00

The other day my friends and I took our children to lunch at one of our favorite places, P*rtilos. It's perfect because it has just the right amount of noise to cover up any whining or screaming that may come from our table, as well as good food that is fast. All of you with children know that there is only a certain amount of time kids will wait for food. When Hubby and I take the kids out for dinner, we almost always order right away. That way we get more time to actually eat our food. But I digress.

The kids did amazingly, and we all enjoyed some time together. We all bid farewell to each other, and went to our cars. I always praise my kids when they've done well, I can't forget all the 'positive reinforcement' stuff from when I was a teacher. So I belted them in, and told them how well that had down and how proud I was of them. I then got in the car myself, and turned on one of my Cd's. I turned around and looked and looked and looked behind me. That parking has always been an accident waiting to happen. I swear I did not see anyone backing out, so I started to back out of my space. Then I hear that awful sound....crunch, boom. I pulled my car up and heard my kids asking what had happened. I prayed the other car looked fine, and that was it. Nope, of course not. The older man and I got out of our cars, and I was so upset, replying,"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I had assumed I was at fault. This man was so nice, luckily. He had buffed out most of the damage on his car, and then came over to do the same to mine. He told me that it looked worse than it was. Yeah, on his car. He only had a small sedan, and his car had a minor scratch on its bumper, while my van, on its left corner bumper, is scraped up to the plastic. UGH! I had to use my cell to call 911 to have an officer come, which took 30 minutes. Thirty uncomfortable minutes. When he did come, he filed an incident report where stupid me said I backed into the guy. The policeman told us to try to settle it between ourselves, and if we can't do that to call our insurance companies. Gee, thanks Mr. Policeman. I never would've thought of that! The guy said he was going to call he insurance company, but wasn't going to file a claim since it was an older car, and not much damage at all, and already has scratches on it. I also called my insurance company and told them this and that it was my fault.

Later, the more I was thinking about it, the more I thought it was both of our faults. We had backed into each other. I drew a diagram, which I believe proved it. We were both in the middle backing out. Hubby immediately said the same even though I hadn't told him what I believed. I pray that this man doesn't file a claim, because like he said, it'll cost $1500 to fix a little scratch. I also am not having my van fixed.
What really upsets me is that I have never been in an accident. I even said that to my friend last week, and she told me not to say it because I was jinxing myself. Should've listened. See I never should have even said anything about the woman who almost hit us last week. I totally jinxed myself.
When Hubby called, what do you think was the first thing S. said? "Daddy, Mommy got in an accident." Lovely, eh?

Not Enough Time

2008-05-22T15:45:00.002-08:00

A few days ago, I was watching a re-run of 'Law and Order: SVU'. To summarize the plot, a man works extremely long hours. His wife ends up cheating on him. The three of them end up in the same room, and a verbal altercation takes place. The husband tells the boyfriend how much his wife likes to spend money, and basically that the boyfriend cannot afford the things she wants. The boyfriend retaliates with the statement,"At least I spend time with her." That sentence gave me a jolt. A big one. As much as I detested what this woman had done, I could empathesize with a husband who is never home, and the loneliness she felt.

Let me just reinterate what I have said many times on this blog, I love my husband and would never want to leave him, nor would I ever cheat on him. However, as I was thinking about what this character had said, I pondered why, just why, I felt that jolt. Many times I have heard about husbands who work late and yada, yada, yada.... Why did it bother me so much this time? Guys, I am emotionally and physically drained here. The evening that the show was on, happened to be the day my husband flew out of the country again. Thinking about the day he would be coming home, I then remembered a line in the movie 'Mr. Mom', yes I am aging myself, where the Michael Keaton character said to his always working wife, "Even when you're here, you're not really here." Amen! That's what it feels like. He's always gone, and when he is home, he's not really here. He has been travelling 60 percent of the time. I am getting plain tired of it. I feel lonely even though I am with my girlfriends and we talk about our husbands working long hours. I have long passed the frustrations of being a single parent. Now I am resentful of all that I do around here by myself. I am tired of taking the garbage out. I am tired of having to take the kids to the doctor only to find out that the oldest is wheezing and now he needs breathing treatments too. I am tired of having to wake him up to give him said treatments since he needs them every four hours. I am tired of not being able to ever call my husband since he is out of the country. I am tired of watching the other husbands in our neighborhood come home before 5:30. Guys, the only thing I don't do is mow the freakin' lawn, and I am thinking of hiring someone to do that, so we can have some extra family time. I am lonely and pissed off. It is after 7:00 here, and he still isn't home. I am also angry at another person, but I cannot talk about that on my blog.

So, there is never enough time for my husband and I. We haven't been without the children in over a month. I am drained. Not enough time. I wish my husband would spend time with me again.

Stupid People

2008-05-19T13:13:00.002-08:00

To the dumptruck that pulled into the center median of the road I was on, and scared the woman in front of me, you are an asshole! To the woman in front of me who completely stopped in just a few seconds, you are an idiot! You almost caused a chain reaction crash. I, by the grace of God, did not hit you. The car behind me could barely stop, and he ended up sideways, and on and on. You scared the shit out me and my boys! Let this be a lesson to you. Do not, do not, slam your brakes on when a car/truck is pulling out of a parking lot, especially when there is a center median. I understand he freaked you out, but if I as well as all of the other cars, would have hit you, you would have been worse off than if the truck hit you.

Happy 3rd Birthday, My Son

2008-05-17T18:10:00.010-08:00

It's hard to believe that you are already three years old! It seems like we were just bringing you home from the hospital.

So many things have changed since then. You are no longer totally dependent on us. This year you started talking...and talking. You give your brother a run for his money! Things are never quiet in this house. You definitely have your own opinions, and have mastered the word ,"No!". You idolize your brother, and when he's not around, you ask us over and over,"Where is S.?" Your big brother loves you too. He tries to teach you new things, and show you the things that he has learned. We can always find you by seeing where your brother is at! You have also started taking off your own shoes, putting your coat on the coat chair, putting your dishes in the dishwasher, putting your scraps in the garbage and putting the clean utensils away. You love to help me unload the dishwasher, and hand me things one by one, or at least put them on the counter. If something, such as a piece of paper, is on the floor you yell,"Uh-Oh!", and pick it up.

You love being outdoors! You would stay there all day if we let you. You try to ride your brother's new bike, and even though he's not happy, he helps push you around on it. Coloring has been on your list as one of your favorite indoor activities. Well, mainly watching us color. We recently painted some clay pots, and you loved it. This was the first activity that you were able to focus on for an hour. I had to tell you it was time to stop! It was so messy that it took me an hour to clean up. S. and you HAD to have showers, and your clothes had to be washed ASAP! Ahhh...but you had fun.

You are a people person, that's for sure! You love your 'Am-pa', as well as every one in our family. You love to talk on the phone to any of them. Today you talked to Cousin Michael, and you laughed and laughed.

Thomas, or any, trains continue to be your favorite. Mommy even made you a train cake for your birthday, which didn't turn out like I wanted, but you loved it anyway. When I was upstairs, you yelled,"I love you Mommy. Thank you for train cake." That melted my heart. It made the many hours I spent making it, as well as the inability to wash off the blue dye from the frosting, worth it. I looked like a smurf; hands, teeth, lips all covered in blue but you loved me anyway. You are very affectionate and often give us squeeze hugs. Your brother also constantly gives you hugs and kisses until you get tired of them, but you put up with it for a long time. You seem to think, 'Hey, it's my brother. It's okay.'

Speaking of food, oh my goodness, do you love to eat! We hear you say,"I eat? I eat?", when it gets close to meal time. Macaroni and cheese remains your favorite meal. You could eat it for lunch and dinner one day only to eat it again the next. Your brother often gets tired of it, but you don't seem to mind.

The new thing you are learning to do is going on the potty. One day you decided you didn't want a diaper anymore. Now we don't hear,"Butt hurt. Butt hurt," every time you poop in your diaper. Your brother showed you how to sit on the potty, and just like he did, you want to sit on the big potty. No little potty or toilet ring for you! You have mastered going pee to the point of going on the potty by yourself, but you still hide in the corner to poop. It's been frustrating for all of us. Flushing the toilet and washing your hands are what you like best about using the potty. You also continue to be the comedian of our family. You make us laugh all the time by making silly faces or sounds.

Oh, how could I forget your blankie. You have to take it everywhere! It's a good thing I gave you a burp cloth as a blankie. We have several spares, just in case. However, when I give you a freshly washed blankie, you scream and throw it. You know which one you've had that day or week by how it smells. I kid you not. Just smelling that blanket make you calm and relaxed. Turns out I was a blanket kid, too, so I understand the specialness of that little piece of fabric.

Well, our little miracle baby we are so happy to have you as part of the family. As I look at you playing by yourself or with you brother, I smile. Sometimes I still can't believe you are here. A dream answered, our little toe head. Your Aunt Ellen and I call you 'Little Jeff', because you look so much like your daddy did at your age. I am trying my best to be a good mom for you. Daddy is gone often, and your brother, as well as you and I miss him so much. It's hard being 'the three musketeers, but we do okay. Monkey Boy, know that you are precious to me. To us all. God gave us a blessing the day you were born, a true gift. Your Daddy and I will always be here for you, no matter what. Please remember that. Happy Third Birthday, and many more my baby!

Damned Tired With No End in Sight

2008-05-16T12:33:00.002-08:00

I think I've mentioned several times that Hubby works a lot of hours. I know my complaining all the time about it probably makes you think: A. I'm a whiner, or B. She's lucky her husband has a job at all in this economy. Even if you haven't thought that, I have. The truth here is Hubby has been traveling out of the country for several weeks. He is now in the U.S., but he has so much work here to catch up on that he has been working 12 hour days. I kid you not. He gets to work at 6AM, and leaves at 6PM, which has not left a whole lot of time with the family. Yep, we both are burned out.
I remember when I was working, if I needed to make an appointment of any kind it had to be on Saturday. Guess what? That same theory applies to Hubby as well. Which means that tomorrow, he will be at the doctors. His appointment happens to be at noon; the middle of the day. I swear guys, if I have to make one more lunch, one more dinner, hell, one more damn breakfast I am going to pop. It is all me all the time. I think the boys are even getting tired of seeing my face! Hubby hates all of this time away just as much as I do, which means I can't have a major bitch fest. No one else would want to listen to me yell, so I guess I have to keep it in. This translates to 'Mama's going to blow--watch out!' to my kids. I have just lost any and all patience. It's been a month, with no end in sight. There's just so much work to be done. I feel badly for my kids. I have been cleaning majorly all week in what I know is my attempt to control my environment. My little coping mechanism. Yeah, I've learned a lot in therapy. Well, today I told the kids that I have cleaned and they better not make any messes because did you not hear me, I just cleaned! I picked up a can of Hubby's half finished can of Diet Coke that was on the counter AGAIN, that apparently he has a major damn problem with putting anything in the damn garbage, OR emptying the damn dishwasher, and drained its contents all the while yelling that, "Your father left another can on the counter unfinished, and I just cleaned." All I really do not like bashing my husband in front of the boys. My poor sensitive little S., upon completion of his lunch, took out the garbage can, and told me he was going to push the stuff down like I do. And he did. He even told me he is going to clean the family room after 'quiet time', when I ranted about the family room being a mess AGAIN. He gave me an awesome hug too. Wouldn't you love to live in my house? It's stress city over here.

Hubby took time off to go to S.'s preschool graduation, too cute!, and then I dropped him off. Tot cried,"Daddy!", which made Hubby and I feel horrible. Well, it mainly made Hubby feel horrible. I smiled like a Cheshire cat to myself. Tot cries whenever Hubby leaves these days. I have to try to calm him down by telling him that Daddy is coming back, which usually does not work. It also takes him a day or so to adjust to Hubby being home. Until then, whenever he gets hurt, he runs to Mommy, which makes Hubby feel bad. Do you see a theme here? We both feel bad a lot.

I am burned out. I'll say it again. I am majorly burned out, and I don't know what to do about it. I dream of taking the weekend off, and staying at a spa, and having massages... It's all a dream, though, because nothing ever changes around here. I am alone with the kids all the time, and I have yet to accept it.

Babysitter Etc....

2008-05-13T12:49:00.005-08:00

Well, I did have that girl come over, and she seems very nice, and the boys like her. She is also very pretty, blond hair and blue eyes...you get the picture. I could tell right away she was Dutch. There is a large Dutch community here, particularly at the Christian schools she attends. Prior to high school, she was homeschooled. I have never met someone who was homeschooled before, so I asked her how she liked it. She said she hated it; that she is a people person, and being home with her mom all day wasn't fun at all. It was interesting to talk with her about it. However, I thought I made it clear when I interviewed her that we would like to have her sit on one weekend night a week or every other week. So far that is not working out, but we'll see. Maybe in the summer she'll have more open time.

I have started back up at the gym again after four long months. They have a wonderful, large and clean kids' area. The boys love it, which has been helpful. I'll tell you though, it's kicking my butt! In the two+ years I've been going there, I have never missed so many consecutive months. My body is definitely feeling it.

Tot is completely pee trained, but don't ask me about pooping in the potty! Just the thought seems to scare him. He'll say several times in a row he wants to go potty, only to have no success every time. It's been frustrating for all of us. Speaking of Tot, I better go get him up from his nap. He is coughing hard. It's May for pete's sake! How can he be sick? Anyway, I'm going to give him some Albuterol. The boy hates his inhaler, but what can I do?