Boy Mama

My boys turned 6 and 8 this year. They decided they wanted to play soccer and Tot t-ball. Love watching their games, which is something I never thought I would say, since I had to go and watch my older brother play every sport imaginable.

It's different being the mom. I love it! I am so proud of them for trying their best all the time!

Writing finally

Jeez, I can't believe I haven't written anything since Father's Day. This year has brought two birthdays. Tot turned 5, and S. turned 8. They are now in grades kindergarten and 2ND. Now I officially have no babies. Tot, 5

S, 8

Luckily, our kinder. is half-day only.

I'm ready to do something for me, and I'm not talking about a massage or gym membership. I want to work at something I love. I just don't know what that is. I tell myself I could volunteer somewhere next year somewhere since my kids will be all day. Maybe it'd even lead to a job. Then I see my boys' faces when they're getting off the bus, and I think to myself 'how can I not be there?'

I've taught all my adult life, and even though I loved the kids and creativity, and hell, yes the schedule, I don't see myself in education. It's not the schools we remember. I often said if it were just me and the kids I'd go back ASAP. But it's not. It's mainly difficult parents and an administration who does not back up their teacher in any way. It's full-inclusion not mainstreaming where children with disabilities go to the regular ed. subjects they do well in, even if it's just PE. etc. It may mean a child who does well in math, that child will go to the reg. ed. room where he can best be served. Full-inclusion means everything, everyone. Every child even one with severe behavior problems, are put into the everyday classroom even if this ends up being bad for the class. (I had that dynamic in my classroom.) The other children have no rights essentially. My first year I had a child who was in a wheelchair, was only at the level of a 2-year old, didn't talk at all, needed his diapers to be changed and is fed through a g-tube. He also need a nap.

I am not completely anti-inclusion. I think a child with a minor learning disability and such, can be beneficial. But our district, the very one my son goes to and I taught at, does full-inclusion because it's cheaper. That's the bottom line. That poor kid in the wheelchair loved a computer program that made a lot of noise, so he couldn't do it in class. What good is it for him to be there staring at the wall?

I guess this is all beside the point. I'm not going back to teaching even though there are parts of it that I miss. What else can I do? I have no idea. I want to go back to get my master's in psychology. I already have a minor in it. After all my problems I think I may be able to help other women. I know that profession also has it's own shit to deal with; none is perfect. Anyway, that's too expensive. I'd have to pay the tuition, get a quality sitter and learn new technologies that weren't being used when I left the working world. I just need something that is mine, but I don't know what it is. It gets pretty lonely around here at times. I am not made to sit around. Yes, I have errands, Bible Studies, and classes with other mothers. It's just not fulfilling me like it used to. I'm the mom of older boys. Both boys who can even buckle themselves in the car and zip up their own coats. Hell, they even do their homework without pleading.

Onto making dinner. Oh, yeah. Then to church. I know I'll be happy I went.

Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to the most wonderful man-my husband:)

Always Something That Needs to Be Done!

Why does it seem that everything has to be done at once. The brand new air-conditioner has been making a high-pitched whistle every time it is on. It was 90 today, so that was pretty much all day! We've had problems with our landscaping company, and the owner won't call me back. Am I THAT scary at only 5'4"? Idiots! Also, youngest needs to have an x-ray of his neck for his pulmonologist ASAP! I had to make an appt. for Tot's Kindergarten physical.; I still can't talk about my baby going to school. My boys need swim lessons again, and I have yet to turn in the forms. Sorted through clothes for Goodwill, and dropped those off, but now need to sort through toys. Jeez, have my kids accumulated stuff! After going through the mudroom, the room where everything is just thrown, I found the dress-shirts my husband needs for an important conference. Brought those to the dry cleaner. Will pick-up tomorrow. Found new gym shoes for S. since his toe went through the top of his old shoes. Signed Tot up for Soccer, and forgot to bring his birth certificate. Had to go back, and he is now all set! I'm leading a part of VBS at our church. I had to go yesterday to make sure everything was sorted. I ordered pictures through Shutterfly, and I now have to put them in albums. I've never gotten to go shorts shopping yet. I think that's why I end up wearing the same year after year...


I have made a lot of progress though. I've learned to prioritize each job. Everything I cross off my list makes me feel good. It's a lot of work. I thought the baby days were full. Now my days are full of boy/kid things. It's not less satisfying, it's just different, and change is not my strong-point.

The Past and the Present

I haven't really known what to write here lately. Ever since I found out that a person from the small town I lived in for 4 1/2 years, was reading I've been afraid of saying something too personal. I know, I know, I've been writing personal things here for over four years, but knowing that a person who knows me is reading just feels weird. What makes it worse is I don't know who this person is. I only know they're from the very small town I left long ago.

I only know a few people who still live in small town, a very few---like two. The people that I hung out with have been long gone from there, and don't miss it a bit. So if one of those people were reading I don't really think they'd be writing down that they are from the town they are glad to be away from, but who knows for certain. Which leaves me to people I dated, one in particular, or friends of his that I don't know if they're still there or what. There are just things I don't want people to know. I know that a friend of his could be reading and then tells him or someone I forgot about. I think generally we all want to show people from our past how wonderful we are doing without them, or leaving a town so small that the one time, recently, I drove in there, I developed anxiety big time.

It was this anxiety that caused me to rethink my relationship all those years ago. I am not a person who likes nature, which is not a good way to be since nature abounds there. I am not a person who ever wanted to get pregnant in high school, or soon after, and get married. To expect that would be my life. I am not a person who can live in an area that seems so depressed. There's not a lot of jobs there, and what there is are not what I'd want to do. I went to college, and all of my friends who did, are gone. I felt like I never belonged, or did for only a few years , but I wasn't like anyone there. I like bigger towns and all that entails...dare I say that? I just wanted more. I knew I'd never be happy there, so I had to let go of the past. The past that included my long-time boyfriend. I loved it here, and we were just too different.
So, you see, I don't want those people to know I had trouble getting pregnant, or experienced depression or anything that would make people think that I'm not the person I wanted to be. That life in 'the big city' isn't going so well. That I somehow failed. Who would?
What I would like those people to see is my wonderful husband. The perfect man for me. My rock. I would like them to see would a nice life I have. Other than my mom dying, this is pretty much how I'd always wanted it to be. To see that I graduated college and became what I'd always wanted and said I'd become. A teacher. To see that I worked in one of the most coveted districts in the state, and did very well thank-you-very-much. To see that I left my career knowing full well I was leaving that job, and may never return to it again. To see I did it for two beautiful little boys that may make me crazy, but ultimately are two of the greatest joys of my life. To see that even though I said I would always work, that nothing makes me happier than being with them. To see we live in a nice area, house, with wonderful neighbors. The kind that talk to one another in front of our houses when it's warm. Who have helped in unimaginable ways. To see that I really did marry the man of my dreams. We are so alike in all the big stuff, like finances and raising the kids well. To see I am more than infertility and depression. I am a whole person. I've come a long way baby...