Backwards Day!

Steve likes to dress himself these days, so why not? Who's it going to hurt? Upon further reflection, his father and I decided not to let Steve dress himself ALL time. (If you click on the photo to enlarge, you will be able to see that even his shoes are on the wrong feet.)

I Am Posting Responses To Your Comments Where You Left Them On My Board, SO.....

please don't think I'm ignoring anyone!!! I read all the comments left, and appreciate everyone taking the time to post them. I know it's not easy to find extra time these days!!!

Just Thought You Might Like To Know

I am feeling damn good, guys! (Knock on wood!!!) I saw my psychiatrist , nurse practioner, today. She immediately could tell that I was feeling better. She said she could even see it in my face; I just look better. And I feel so much better! I know this is not the end. With depression, you need to continue to work on it; you can't assume that you will feel great forever. What I mean is that I may have a relapse, so I shouldn't get discouraged by that. That is the nature of the beast, so to speak. So I will continue taking the meds., thank you pharmacy god, and continue going to therapy, love my therapist!

This weekend is the Race For the Cure. Donation has been made, shirt and tags gotten. The boys are coming with us. I have just started talking to Steve about my mom again within in the last couple of weeks. When I ask him where Grandma D. is, he points to the sky, and says with God. It breaks my heart that he will not know her. I just thank God that she got to hold him---for 6 months. Thank you God for that!

Just a Quick Update On Ryan

Ryan had his 4-month check-up today. He weighed in at 16 pounds, 1 ounce, and measured 25 1/4 inches long. In comparison, because I am always comparing my two guys, Steve weighed 16 pounds, 9 ounces and measured 26 1/4 inches tall at the same age. Are my boys alike or what?! Ryan also received 4 shots today, which neither one of us was happy about! Poor baby!!! I currently have some Satan-like cold. Luckily, Jeff had already taken a personal day for today, so I was able to take a 5 hour nap. Yes, you read right, a FIVE HOUR nap. I did feel better, but I am off to bed again. I hate being sick!

My Body Image Problem

Above is a picture of me when I was nine months pregnant with Ryan. I gave birth to him a few days later. In this picture my legs look slim, I had boobs, and even my fat arms looked slim. Now I just look flabby.

I want to thank all of you who posted or e-mailed me and told me how good I look. I LOVE you all! I, however, do not feel that I look so hot. In the picture I posted notice how the baby is positioned directly in front of my flabby stomach. I also learned after having Steve that dark colors and patterns are very forgiving, hence my choice of dress that day. I also still have that freakin' double chin thing going on. Will that ever go away?

Yesterday I made the mistake of putting on my old jeans. Now I swore I wouldn't do that until Ryan was at least 6 months old, but did I listen to myself, oh NO! Now I expected the major muffin top and the fact I wouldn't be able to breathe even if I could button the pants, but what I didn't expect was that the jeans would be so tight in my thigh area! What the heck is that about???? I try to tell myself that I had two big babies, but the thing is I am not happy about the state of my post-baby body. I swear at the end of the day my stomach looks about 3-4 months pregnant. Would you believe that I had a flat stomach at one time? Well, not anymore. I had just come to terms with having a slightly pooched out tummy when I got pregnant with Ryan. I guess I'm not 18 anymore, huh!

I Go To Churrch......!

Now that the fall is upon us and school has started, all of our church's activities and classes have as well. Steve goes to a program for 2 and 3 year-olds called 'Wee Church' on Sunday mornings, Wednesday mornings he attends a class called 'Little Lambs' while I attend a Bible Study class for women, another class for toddlers on Wednesday nights while we attend our parenting class, and on the days I attend MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) meetings, he attends a 'Moppets' class. Whew! And I thought this kid would be bored since the park district cancelled his class due to poor enrollment. I actually am glad they cancelled it now as I think he would be too busy if he went to that too. I do not want to schedule every minute of my child's day. At any rate, Steve LOVES church! It is so cute! He always wants to go; he has so much fun there. I am so glad.

My faith has grown as I have gotten older. I do not think I could have gotten through my mother's illness and subsequent death without it. I have questions, I don't always understand or agree with what God does, but I have faith that is is not for naught. I did not always have this faith though.

My mom, brother and I went to church every Sunday, but my father did not. He was raised to be a very strict Catholic. Since he grew up in the city of Chicago, he went to Catholic school for most of his schooling. If you could swing it back then, you did NOT send your child to the Chicago Public Schools. They were bad back then too. So my father was THE kid who could never sit still. You teachers know what I am talking about. My father is also very good at math, and would work ahead in his math book. Very bad, according to the nuns who taught school in those days without a teaching degree. Still floors me. Well, as a 'consequence' for all of this the nun would smack him with a yard stick. You had to put out your arms, and then they'd hit you. Because he could not sit still, he was getting hit on a daily basis. BTW, this did not help curb his energy. The man still can't sit still! Also, if you were not at church on Sunday mornings, you would get this consequence. Nice, huh? My father's parents never attended church, so he went by himself. In those old Chicago neighborhoods, you could walk anywhere, so getting to church was not a problem. My father has such bad memories of his treatment by the nuns, that he denounced church altogether. My mother, on the other hand, was raised Protestant and in a good neighborhood, so she went to public school and never had a problem. She enjoyed her church community very much. So it made things interesting on Sunday mornings. You know, being a kid I wanted to sleep in, after all 'dad does'. I just did not enjoy church back then. I did not want to go. My poor mom. My father always attended our church programs as well as on holidays. So that was a compromise, I guess. My father attends church more now, but still has a problem with God after what he saw my mom go through. I give him a lot of credit though. He made an appointment with our pastor to discuss his anger, as well as all his feelings. He never would have done that years ago. My church 'family' was so good to my mom, and is still so good to my family. They were instrumental in my working through my grief, while maintaining my faith. I never knew such good people existed.

Because of all of this, it just tickles me when my son gets so excited about going to church. The days he knows that we are going, he walks around saying, "I go to churrch......I go to churrrch!!!!" He is having fun while learning about God. BTW, he attends 'Wee Church' while we are attending the service. I love that, because Steve could never sit through a service. Plus, he is learning and having fun at the same time. Can't beat that!

To Which I Say, I Just Don't Care

On Sunday, Jeff's aunt and uncle called to see if they could stop by and drop some clothes off for the kids. The aunt is the sister of Jeff's dad. So Jeff asked me, and I was fine with it. To give you some background info., they were also at the christening, but had entered the sanctuary before the 'fun' began. So they only know what Jeff's parents have told them. And what might that be, you ask? Well, they believe that my 'mental problem' is basically what the whole 'problem' between his parents and us is all about. I'm not surprised. I did say to my therapist that if my 'mental' problem was THAT bad, that they would have talked to Jeff or called child protection services since I would obviously be too impaired to take care of the kids properly. But they know that is not true, and as my father has stated, they are just trying to save face. I call using my PPD as an excuse hitting below the belt, but what did I expect? The sad thing is that a close family member of theirs tried to commit suicide five years ago; I remember getting that phone call late at night. I wish I could tell you who it was, because it would make so much sense, but I would never 'out' someone about their illness unless I asked them first, and there is no point to that. So, my point here is that mental illness is to be taken seriously and not to be used as an excuse for their behavior. Okay, that said, I told Jeff to have them come over, we have no beef with them, and then they could see for themselves that I'm not crazy. Quite the opposite.

So they stop by, and the kids are still napping,. We didn't wake them up, and that was understood. So anyway, Jeff took them out back to show them the screened porch and deck that he has been taking down. In the middle of it all, Jeff's aunt starts with,"I know you're not talking with your dad, BUT....." My stomach started that lovely feeling right then. I actually had a feeling something like this was going to happen. She continues,"His birthday is coming up,(tears start) and it's a special one--his 65th." The tears continue, the women in Jeff's family cry easily, and Jeff basically said no. We have no problem with you, but we have a lot to still deal with with his family. It just pissed me off about how it was called 'his special day', like Ryan's once in a lifetime christening wasn't HIS SPECIAL DAY, but I realized they were never told the true story, and Jeff and I agreed we are keeping this between his parents and us. Obviously my brother and father are involved because they were there when the 'fun' started. Jeff's sister called and asked what happened, and Jeff told her what we discussed telling people if they asked. It is between his parents and us. Just remember there are two sides to every story and not to believe everything you hear. That's it. We are going to take the high road here. We are not trying to get people to take 'our side'. It doesn't really matter to us what other people feel we should do. Our family is priority one, and everyone else can just deal with it.

Funny thing: Jeff said the last four weeks without them have been great. I agreed. No anxiety, no phone calls telling us what assholes we are and how 'I don't like his mother'. Ya' think?! Why? No more demands, no more shit from them. Just peaceful calm. Life without them is better than we could have ever imagined! I'm just sorry that the kids can't have normal grandparents that they can see, but we can't allow the kids to be around them, especially when they behave the way they have been. We are the parents. We have to do what is right for the whole family, including them. So, their worst fear has come true; my family IS seeing the kids more than they are. Gee, wouldn't they be pissed!

Our Family

Ryan's Christening, plus close-ups of the boys! Now that I know how to publish pictures, thanks L., watch out!

What My Son Does For Fun

His father and I are so proud!

The Day the Music (Make That the Microwave) Died, Tales From the Bedroom and a Funny!

There is no other way to say this except to just say it. I blew up the microwave! I was multi-tasking. Steve was in his chair eating his lunch, I had just put Ryan down for his nap, and I decided to put my hamburger from W*ndy's in the microwave while I grabbed the monitor. Note here: W*endy's is the only fast food restaurant in our town which wraps its burgers in aluminum foil, you see where this is going, don't you? Well, folks I am here to say that a lot can happen in a mere 13 seconds. It was like one of those moments in the movies when everything slows down. I ran as fast as I could once I heard the first POP, but sadly I did not make it in time. When I did make it into the kitchen, poor Steve was surrounded by the most foul-smelling smoke---YUK! So I opened up the microwave and the contents were on fire, fire people! I had to run and get a glass of water and throw it into the microwave. Being the clean freak that I am I thought 'Oh, my gosh this is going to make a mess!', before I even worried that the thing might be broken! After the fire was out, I picked Steve up, chair and all, and put him into the living room to eat. At my Ethan Allen sofa table, with sticky peaches to eat, but what could I do? As Stevie is eating in the room he is not allowed to even play in, and looking rightfully confused as well, I called Jeff. Now what the heck I thought Jeff was going to do at that moment I don't know. At least being the sweetest husband around, he told me accidents happen and we'd just buy a new one. This one is not even two years old, and it's a spacesaver, so hopefully all matches up to the tile etc. I feel like such a dope! And I can't help but be upset that now I have to spend a couple hundred dollars to buy the same damn thing I already had! I mean there are many more ways I'd like to spend my money!!!

Thanks to all who posted about my sex, or lack of, problems. We did have a discussion whereupon my husband gave me the 'how could you think I don't find you attractive you goof' look, and all went well after that. The next night we went to church for a parenting class we are taking. I love this class, the people in it, AND that the kids have their own classes meaning I get an hour and a half w/o them and time to feel like an adult. Well, Jeff was running late from work, so he came in his suit. I have a serious attraction to men in suits, call me weird! Well, let's just say folks, the drought is over! It's amazing what a little time sans kids will do, oh, and a hubby that wears a suit! I have been feeling much better this week, knock on wood, so I think that's why I had any interest at all. In the past, I have been the one hoping he'll forget we were supposed to have sex! So I pray this depression stays away!

That same day Steve was boycotting napping/quiet time. He kept banging on his wall, so he lost his Elmo. I told him if he continued to bang on his wall, he'd lose Big Bird next time. Yes, you guessed it, he kept on banging on the wall. So in I go. Steve looks at me, turn around, grabs Big Bird, and hands him to me. No crying, no nothing. I ask you: what is a mom to do? I laughed my ass off after I closed his door, and told our church group about it. Sometimes you just have to laugh!

Married Sex

I remember a time being tired didn't mean you didn't want to have sex. I remember a time when all I had to do was think of my hubby and I was ready to go. I don't remember sex being like it was tonight. All weekend hubby has been taking down our deck, so yes, I will give him that he's tired. So am I. However, when no sex has been had all weekend I begin to wonder if there has been any new additions to the workforce at hubby's work. Just kidding, I swear! So last night I made it clear we were 'doing it', don't you hate that phrase, tonight damnit! So Jeff comes home from work to eat, feeds Stevie and leaves. Yep, he was home for 30 minutes. So now I am so tired, I am slowly losing interest in the whole sexcapade that I had been telling him was going to happen tonight.

So I manage to carve out an hour of 'me' time, put the kids to bed to early, and that did help. So anyway, Jeff comes home from basketball, comes upstairs and tells me he'll be up in a 'little while'. Ah..I don't think so. I knew I'd be way too tired if it didn't happen in, let's say, the next 10 minutes! I am always so tired!!! I told him to take his shower and come upstairs. I know he wanted to watch the football game; he's a football nut! So up he comes, dog gets thrown out of the room, door closed, usual foreplay, and finally I said let's just get to it. OK, the main event was good. He's gets an A there. Then he cleans up, and LEAVES to watch the game. OK, I DO remember a time when he would spend more than say, TWENTY MINUTES with me. I mean I did just give him sex! You know after Steve was born, we had the best sex of our lives, and now that Ryan has been born, it's kind-of just there. I mean shouldn't my husband be hot for me more? I have heard that there are women out there who have to beat their husbands off of them with sticks, you know what I mean! I know I don't look the way I used to, but I have had two BIG babies, and skin that is stretched out that much just doesn't snap back! Maybe I am unattractive to my hubby now, maybe we both are just incredibly tired, I don't know. All I know is that it sucks!

A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That

Yesterday I had yet another psych. appt. Damn, this depression is as stubborn as my 2 year-old son! Basically I was told that there has been too much stress in my life due to my ILs, and this is hampering the ability for these meds. to work, or something like that. I was given ideas on how to reduce stress, although they were happy the number one stress factor, 'crazy ILs' has been eliminated for the time being. So I need to relax. Kind of sounds like the advice I was given while trying to get pregnant. Funny how things seem to go in one big circle.

After my meds. were adjusted, and another appt. made, we discussed Katrina. I feel bad posting mundane topics like potty-training while this has been happening, but sometimes I need a bit of a reprieve from the absolutely horrible things that happen in our world. At any rate, my nurse practioner had just been at the place where the the strom survivors, that sounds more positive, were taken. They had arrived in the middle of the night, and it was easy to see that my nurse was deeply affected by what she saw. She only told me about a father who had been separated from his family, and how awful it's been for him. Can you imagine? Then she promised to call me if there was anything I could do for them. Do you think that a clinically depressed person would 'qualify' for a volunteer position? Course, maybe I'd be an asset. I might be able to relate a little with how they're feeling. Probably not. Because although we moved 15 times when I was a kid, yes FIFTEEN, it was never because a storm blew my hometown to bits, and my family was always together.

I made the mistake of watching Oprah on Tuesday. Well, let's just say that the man who was sobbing because he had to leave his dog, the only thing he cared about in this world--the only thing he saved from his home, and just leave him to basically die. That was too much. That was the last straw. I prayed to God right then to help that man and all of the others, and the animals too, because let's be honest very few of them will be rescued. And starving to death is no way to let one of God's creatures die. I saw pictures of disabled people who had died in their wheelchairs, and thought about the babies who would not get the formula or breastmilk they need to survive. And I prayed to God to take the pain away from these people and animals.

And I am angry that the government, the local government to start, did nothing for days. Now come on, New Orleans' /Louisiana's government knew they were below sea level and this flood was a possibility. They should have had a plan, SOME sort of plan, about what to do. Those buses should have been in those poor neighborhoods getting the people out BEFORE the hurricane struck. But I digress. I also believe a clinically depressed woman should not watch Oprah's coverage of any tragedy. I learned that.

On a lighter note, I went to rent the movie Prozac Nation. I have just finished reading the book. Well, it was completely sold out. I guess there are a few more depressed people out there than I realized. Oh, goody.

Potty-Training Sucks!

I was going to try to come up with some clever title, but this one sums up how I feel about the day. We went through 13 pairs of underwear today! Through two packs of Elmos, not easily found BTW, 1 pack of Bob the Builder, and 1 pack of Thomas the Train. How does that add up to 13, you ask? I had to wash them ALL again, because he ran out of undies! And let me just say this, poop is disgusting in a 2-year old's DIAPER, but it is utterly putrid in a 2-year old's underpants!!! I just threw the pair out. Pissed Jeff off, but it was too gross! What is really disheartening is he NEVER once went in the potty. No sooner than I'd take him off the potty, that he would pee in his underpants! I am beyond frustrated!!! Any advice from those of you who have made it to the other side of this mess????? PLEASE, I NEED HELP!!!! Steve will be three next month, and showing absolutely NO signs of ever wanting to do away with his Elmo diapers, not even for Elmo underwear and a chocolate cookie. UGH!!!!!!!!

Saying Good-bye is Hard!

This past week I finally packed up all of my old maternity clothes, including those that were borrowed, put them in rubbermaid containers, and had Jeff put them in his trunk before I could say "UNCLE!" There is a woman at Jeff's work that loaned me her matenity clothes, and now I gave hers back and gave her all of mine. Which was a lot. Let's just say I overbought here. But it wasn't my fault. Gap put a maternity section IN THE BABY GAP STORE! Knowing how often I shop there for Steve, I couldn't resist. And being serious here, I am only 5'4" inches tall, so I've always had a problem with length when it comes to pants. And I was NOT going to pay a tailor to shorten my maternity jeans, I just wasn't! Gap jeans and Gap maternity jeans come in three lengths. THREE LENGTHS PEOPLE! So if your short, they've got ya' covered, if you're tall they've got ya' covered and if you're average---well, you get the idea. I seriously loved my maternity clothes this time. Oh, and I know why. It wasn't just because they looked more tailored and less like a tent this go-around, it wasn't just because I love GapMaternity--which I do--oh I do!, it was because I had boobs this time; BOOBS! BIG BOOBS!!! and they looked good; even my female friends told me that, and I didn't even ask their opinion. Yes, I am usually VERY small-breasted. As in 34A small-breasted. Let's just say I made it to C-status this time. This is truly the first time I have ever been excited about attaining a C in anything.

I miss my boobs; I miss my big boob clothes. I miss my voluptuous body. Now I have that jelly belly thing going on, and breasts that are only a teeny bit bigger than they were prior to pregnancy. I'll be honest here, if I didn't hate surgery so much and breast cancer wasn't in my family, I'd be thinking about having breast augmentation AKA--the boob job. And I am SOOOO not into plastic surgery; it scares me.

So good-bye maternity clothes, good-bye boobs...it was good while it lasted!

One this day one year ago...

My little miracle baby boy Ryan was transferred into my uterus. I have the picture of him as a three day embryo and the little petri dish he was created in. I can't believe it has been a year already. It was the most amazing thing I have ever witnessed, seeing that embryo, that baby, go into my uterus. I told Jeff I wish they had let him be there to see it, because it is like nothing I have ever seen before, or will ever see. The true beginning of Ryan's life inside my body. He is sitting right next to me as I type this, and as I look at him, I can't believe life ever existed without him.

'A new day has come!', Celine Dion

Thank You!

I just want to thank everyone who commented about my last post. Your comments really helped to boost my spirits.
As a side note, I am so excited about this weekend! Usually we have the obligation of seeing my husband's parents once, usually twice, over Labor Day. Not this weekend; it is all ours!!! This is the first time in years that I am not worried about a nasty phone call, comment, or yet another request for our time; our time meaning the boys' time. I feel free! Free-er than I have in a long time. I feel emancipated! Hope I spelled that right. Tonight my brother's wife and I are taking all of the kids, five, to dinner while my bro. and hubby go to the fantasy football draft; don't ask! Anyway, my family has just been so supportive, and this episode has made us even closer. I guess maybe something good did come of this. Although I could have done without the drama!