Goodbye WAS the Saddest Word

Today marks the third year since my mother's death. Three years. I can't believe it. In some ways it feels like forever ago, and in others, I can still hear her voice like she is right next to me. As I have said before, my mother was my best girlfriend. She and I were so close, that our mannerisms were identical. Her best friend says I look and act so much like her, it scares her at times. Now if you looked at a photograph of us, you would not think we looked alike at all. However, when we were together, the similarities were most recognizable. I didn't see it for years, but always took it as a compliment when someone told me I looked like my mother. My mother was beautiful inside and out, but as a teenager I wanted to LOOK like her. Blond hair, blue eyes and a tremendous figure despite having two children. Sometimes I have to remind myself that she was able to look like that because she had her last child at the age of 21! As I have come to find out, losing weight was easier in my 20's than 30's! At any rate, my mom was everything to me. When she was diagnosed with cancer, I wondered what I'd do without her; I wish I hadn't had to find out so soon.

Tonight, I just can't relive her last months, weeks, days of life. They were just too awful. How could someone so full of life, be forced to suffer so long?! Indigo Girl's brief explanation of what is occuring to her own mother right now is pretty much like my mother's final moments on earth. Too sad to put into words. So unfair, so inhumane. If I didn't have my faith, I would have lost it a long time ago. Was I mad at God? Yes. Am I still mad a God sometimes? You bet. We have conversations from time to time:) Like I said to my mother, when I, hopefully, go to heaven, me and the 'big guy' have some things to discuss. And we do, believe me. I believe, as my grandmother did, that everything happens for a reason. I just haven't been able to come up with a reason yet.

I will tell you that I am much more outgoing now than I was before. I don't have my mom to lean on anymore. I have to do the seeking of things, I don't have my mom to rely on anymore. She was just 51 years old when she died. I get so jealous of people who still have their grandmothers in their lives. My mom's mother died May 7th, 1981, when I was just 8 years old and she just 57. I loved her in the way I loved my mother. I don't have my mom or my grandmother. It doesn't seem fair, does it?

I tried to post a picture of my mom from three months before she died. She has my son S. on her lap. The strange thing is we thought she looked SO good that day. Now, to me, she looks like a mere skeleton of the woman I once knew and loved. Our scanner is history, so I have no other pictures I can share. I wish I could show you pictures of when my mother, well, looked like my mother. Sadly, this is all I can share with you right now. I'll try to post it separately. I have also included the lyrics of a song that I used to listen to as she was dying, and then afterwards. Celine Dion sings it, and I feel it is perfect. Unfortunately, the lyrics are in the future tense, and for me, they should be in the past. Thanks for reading.

Goodbyes'(the Saddest Word)
Mama
you gave life to me
Turned a baby
Into a lady

And mama
All you had to offer
Was the promise of a lifetime of love

NOW I KNOW
There is no other
Love like a mother for her child

And I know
A love so complete
Some day must leave
Must say goodbye

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say the word and I WILL cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

Mama
You gave love to me
Turned a young one into a woman

And mama
All I ever needed
Was a guarantee of you loving me

'Cause I know
There is no other
Love like a mother's love for her child

And it hurts so
That something so strong
Someday will be gone, must say goodbye

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

But the love you give will always live
You'll always be there every time I fall
You offered me the greatest love of all
You take my weakness and you make me strong
And I will always love you 'til forever comes

And when you need me
I'll be there for you all the way
I'll be there your whole life through
I'll be there this I guarantee mama

I'l be
I'll be there through the darkest nights
I'll be the wings that guide your broken flight
I'll be your shelter through the raging storm
And I will love you 'til forever comes

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say those words and I will cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

'Til we meet again...
Until then...
Goodbye.

Putting My Money Where My Mouth Is

Every since Tot was born, I have been unhappy with my weight. I am particulary unhappy with my flabby stomach. Now I know it will never be the same again, but heck, how about not sticking out! It is so unflattering. I literally have been wearing dark colored shirts because they are so much more forgiving than white tops which show everything. At any rate, I joined the dance class with my friends, which I've enjoyed, but I know once a week isn't going to cut it. However, that class has shown me that I really do feel better after I exercise. My mood is lifted, I really DO have more energy, and if I would do it more often I could even lose some weight! I hate to admit it, but I need to exercise.

Now this isn't new information to me. I have always known that there are many benefits to exercise, but the benefits hadn't outweighed the, well, reasons NOT to exercise. Now they do. Hubby and I finally, after months, decided to join a gym. We have a L*fetime F*tness AKA--'The Meatmarket' by us. It has a lot of features that are great, but people come to the gym already looking great! Makeup on, Gucci bags, the whole nine yards. Definitely not my scene. I am very uncomfortable exercising in front of people to begin with, so I don't need the added pressure to look perfect before I even get there. There are a few others, but one is totally perfect for us. It is small, health focused, and if you are going during the day, there are only a FEW other moms, and then OLDER people. The kind of people who look at me, and don't see every inperfection that I see. Plus, it has a fabulous kids' area, a little cafe', and a fitness program designed for us so that we are doing the right things. The person who did mine checks in with me every week. Oh, and everything is computerized! So I put my password in and it tells me exactly what I should be doing down to the number of the position of the seat for me! Every machine has a small computer screen that gives me that information, which is perfect for me because I tend to forget due to the kids, etc...

I have actually been exercising guys! I can hear my mother laughing every time I walk quickly around the track, or after every weight I lift. I think she'd be proud.

Yesterday, I even had lunch in the cafe' BY MYSELF. No one needed anything cut up, filled up or fed to them. It was great! Soon I am going to sit in the jacuzzi tub, in the womens' locker room, and just let the jets hit my back and maybe fall asleep. So, I really am putting my money where my mouth is. Hopefully, this continues and I'll lose some tummy weight. I can only hope!

Some Pics.

The small brick patio is what we put down last fall. Next to it is the finished product.







The stoop before and after. You can also see our cute little dog who has to know what is going on at all times!



The above are some pictures of our most recent home improvement project. We more than doubled the brick patio we had laid last fall. It was tiny, and I think we all learned something from the experience. Don't ever leave large decisions to the post-partum wife, especially one with PPD. We also had to rip out our concrete stoop and walkway. It was cracked all the way through and sinking! I have a lot of respect for people who do this type of work. They really had a hard time getting the old concrete out. I felt guilty just watching them, and thought maybe I should get out my sledgehammer and hack away with them! Hubby did remind me that we were paying a pretty penny to have this work done, and really, me with a sledgehammer? Yah, not going to happen!
This picture is how it all started. We had a deck and screened in porch. Believe me when I say that it sounds better than it looked!

Six Strange or Weird Things About Me

I've been tagged by Aimee, so here goes.

1. I'm a home improvement junkie. I love doing, or contracting out, new things to be done to make our home nicer. I always say,"After this, I will be happy or done", but I never am.

2. I love the smell of bleach. It just smells so clean. I even wash mine and the hubby's whites in bleach just because I know it kills pretty much everything. And did I tell you about that smell???

3. I'm a germaphobe; I know you're surprised by that! I wash my hands after pretty much any activity. I always carry hand sanitizer just in case there is no water available. I won't even let hubby touch the dog, let alone the kids, after work until he washes his hands. Hey, I'm a former school teacher, and after contracting every illness imaginable, I'm not taking any chances!

4. Psychology fascinates me. I took so many psychology classes as electives, that I am only one class shy of having a double major.

5. I always said I wouldn't have my children in my 20's. I felt I'd be better suited for it in my 30's, and I had a lot that I wanted to do before I was tied down with kids! In fact, that is one reason why a former boyfriend and I broke up after several years together.( Good thing I changed my mind!)

6. I have insomnia, just like Aimee, and there is only one pill that works for me. Tylenol PM, nope, Ambien, nope, Lunesta----yes! However, I sleep like a baby when I'm pregnant. Go figure.

The Tide Has Changed

The Tot is feeling somewhat better; thanks to all who sent their well wishes! The Tot only screamed in the morning, and then I could tell when he began to feel better. It was that obvious. Tomorrow we will, dare I say this, venture out of the house. At least that's the plan, however as most mothers know, plans don't mean squat when your baby is not feeling well.

This Is What Our Day Looked Like

Tater Tot has an ear infection, and has taken to screaming. I ask you, if you have an ear infection wouldn't it hurt to hear yourself scream? I mean running the vacuum ticked the boy off something fierce. Agh.

Took Tot to the doctor today due to the high fever he was sporting. Good news: we were able to be seen right away, we found a front row parking spot, and S. was a doll to his brother. While the doctor was examining Tot, S. asked him if he needed a hug and proceeded to kiss Tot lightly on the side of the head. One of the fuzzy moments that make me feel glad I became a mom.

The Bunny Was Here!

The boys sure loved what the bunny brought them! S. got an alphabet puzzle; he loves picking out letters in any word he sees and telling you what they are. Obviously, an alphabet puzzle was an appropriate gift. He also received 'Percy' from Th*mas the Tank Engine. Tater Tot got a cell phone on which we can record messages. As you can see, he prefers 'eating' the phone to actually pressing the buttons and say, playing with it, but as long as he's happy we're okay with it! He also recieved a shape sorter that his brother has enjoyed playing with a lot!!! Ah, some day the tot will get to play with his toys...



You can tell that the picture with mama did not go very well. I bought this dress from Ann Taylor with gift certificates from my birthday. In the dressing room, I loved it. Now? Not so much.






But aren't the boys cute??? Hubby still doesn't care much for the vests. He said the light blue and yellow colors just bother him. Good thing he's not in charge of dressing the boys. He didn't like anything. I think the vests are better than, say, going to church naked, but that's just me.

It's All Good!

After our rather eventful start to the week, the rest has been wonderful! The weather here has been so beautiful! We've gone to tumbling, church and just around the block. All of our neighbors seem to be out, as everyone has been getting a bit of cabin-fever with all of our cold weather.

When the weather is warm, everything seems to go slower. I seem to have more energy, which is always a good thing! Watching my two boys play outside just confirms my belief that we made the right decision in doing the IVF, and not letting our dream of a second child go. It was hard, and sometimes I just didn't know if it was all worth it. However, watching them interact, watching the Tot learn new things, well, I just know it was all worth it. Every shot, every appointment, every disappointment. I know that some people say in hindsight, they wouldn't have changed a thing. I cannot say that. I wish that we didn't have to go through all that we did. Giving shots to myself wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be, but I can find a better way to spend thousands of dollars, thank you very much. But if that is what we had to do to get our beautiful children, well then, I say that yes, it sucked, but it was definitely worth it. I thank God for them every day, as well as their wonderful daddy. Life isn't perfect. We have things to deal with that I wish we didn't, but overall life is good. Today was very good. Very good indeed!

Maybe This Will help

Just posting this to see if my last entry will be visible now.

Reward Day!

S. had a wonderful week, and therefore met his goal. His reward upon doing so was to make cut-out cookies. We even frosted them this time, as well as using sprinkles. We had a blast!

Are You Kidding Me?!!!

Today I went to my bi-monthly psych. appointment. My children do not do well when I go there, so hubby stayed with them until I got home. Everything went well at the doctor's, which is good. However, I get home at 11:oo and the children are not dressed. I asked hubby why they were still in their jammies, and he responded,"I didn't know they had to be dressed." He says this as he is dressed in his suit and tie, btw LOVE that, and has you know--showered. I ask you, after being a parent for over 3 years, do you not know that kids need to be dressed. I mean, hell, S. even dresses himself now. All you need to do is hand him his clothes! I would rather him just tell me he didn't want to dress them. THAT I would have believed. Hubby is a very hands-on father, so this excuse just didn't fly with me.

When he got home this evening and asked S. if he didn't have some pants to put on, S. had decided to pull out a t-shirt and put it on himself during naptime, I told hubby,"Well, he didn't know he had to get dressed today." Point taken.

Why do I still need to tell hubby these things? Why do I need to tell him the kids need a bath, or S.'s nails need to be trimmed, I trim the tot's? Hubby has done everything for the kids, so it's not that he doesn't want to be with the kids and do things for them. As I said, he is very hands-on. All of my friends are in awe. I just don't get it.

Thanks For the Ideas!

After much deliberation, and thoughts on what I could possibly put together that they already have in their closets, I decided on these vests from The Gap. I liked them when hubby and I originally looked at them weeks ago, but hubby did not share my enthusiasm. I decided that after weeks of searching for something 'hubby approved', that I was buying what I liked in the first place. Besides, hubby isn't that much into fashion as it is, so he doesn't have nearly the investment placed in dressing our children as beautifully as I do. I do love to dress the boys up! (I've told hubby to be glad we only have boys)! I know in a few years they will have their own opinions about clothes, so I'm taking advantage of it now. At any rate, the boys also have pants and shirts that will coordinate nicely with said vests. Oh, and I had a $10 off coupon; I love a good buy!

Any Ideas???

I have been unable to find something cute for my sons to wear for Easter. Does anyone know a place that sells cute dressy clothes for boys??? This is the hard part about having boys. I am not ready to put S., at age 3 1/2, in a tie, and I am not fond of pastels. Of course, in the girls' department there are almost TOO many choices! I need help as Easter is less than two weeks away, and I don't have anything for either one of them to wear. HELP!!!

Mommy, The T.V. Is Big Bird

I should tell you first off that my older son uses Sesame Street characters to identify colors. Orange is Zoe, green is Oscar, etc.... Since S. was not watching 'Sesame Street' I knew his statement,"Mommy, the T.V is Big Bird", was not a good thing, and it wasn't. Our family room television's screen has now turned yellow, and no amount of hitting, or yelling, is going to change that fact this time. Guess what we'll be doing this weekend???

Priceless

One week of good behavior. One trip to library followed by a trip to Micky D's: $7.00. Time spent alone with older son: priceless.