The Games We Play

I am currently sitting here waiting to see who will be the one to get Tot up from his nap. We'll see who can wait the other out.

My dad got married a few hours ago. I met my new brother; he seems nice. Their reception starts in less than two hours, and I am supposed to give a speech. Actually, I said that I WANTED to give a speech. What, was I on crack or something?! (I really was not under the influence of anything.) I usually like to give speeches. Being a teacher, I am not scared to speak in front of people. Heck, I think I like the attention:) But I am having a very hard time deciding what to say. UGH!

Tot has been up for 20 minutes, he's not crying yet, and still no one has 'caved' in. I bet he's got a stinker of a diaper. Hey, I change tons of diapers during the week. I say it's daddy's turn.

Should I Be Upset?

Should I get upset when my oldest son calls me by the babysitter's name several times in one day? I actually am not bothered by this, but think that maybe I should be. What do you think?

Booger Mom

Monday night I ended up with endometriosis pain and a lovely UTI. Tuesday began with said UTI, endo. pain and my period which came EARLY. What the hell is up with that?! So today while S. was at daycamp and I was supposed to be having some bonding time with Tot, I was in the Immediate Care Center. Of course, I had to give a urine sample. When I have a UTI, I wear pads. However I did not want the speciman to be 'tainted', so I put a tampon in first. Let me say that blood ended up everywhere. I couldn't figure it out. I've used tampons for two decades. So picture me in the bathroom with the 'cup', Tot is in the stroller making noise, and I am cleaning up the bathroom floor because I figure it would be rude to leave the floor bloody and all. Then I gave my sample. Geez! They gave me some antibiotics, and told me to call in two days for the culture results. What fun!

I then thought I should take Tot to the Storytime they have at Barnes and Nobles. A teacher I worked with is the reader, and I thought it would be something 'fun' Tot and I could do together. Well, he crawled all over, and a mother asked me a question while he did that. At that point, this grandfather says loudly,"Now girls, you need to stop talking. This is for the kids." I stupidly thought he was joking, so I looked at him and smiled. I then realized that no, he was not kidding. I bet he is one of those "In my generation" types, when the truth is that he never spent time with his own kids because that was the wife's duty. So how would he know what normal is? I was already feeling like crap, so I didn't need to be reprimanded like a child. Asshole!

And the icing to the cake was when I went back into the car, and for some reason looked in my mirror, and found a buger in my nose. A very noticeable booger. Now I keep thinking about the woman I talked with, and how she HAD to have seen it as she was talking with me. UGH! Now I wouldn't expect moms at a storytime class to tell me about it, but I would think a nurse at the immediate care center could have told me. I mean, don't they deal with bodily functions and gross stuff all day? I guess now I'll be known as 'the mom with the booger or booger mom' when I go back to that storytime class. How could I have missed that!

Massage Monday

I figured after a four-day-weekend taking care of the three boys, I deserved a little 'luxury'. I had a deep-tissue massage at our health club, and it was definitely enjoyable! I'm more relaxed, S. is going to daycamp three mornings this week, and hubby is going back to work tomorrow. Unfortunately, just as the calm always comes before the storm, I'm feeling the beginnings of PMS. Lovely. At least I had the sense to hire the babysitter for an extra day this week. I think it the best thing for all of us, don't you?

And Now There's Three Of Them

"Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? A little too ironic? Yah, I really do think" ---'Jagged Little Pill', Alanis Morisette--1995

I am incredibly tired, which shockingly happens when you go to bed past midnight only to wake at 5 AM to take hubby to have the BIG V. Just a sec., hubby needs his antibiotic and a piece of bread. Damn I am tired! I have three males to take care of for the next three days by myself. Vasectomy doctor asked who would be helping take care of the kids this weekend. I sheepishly raised my hand and told him I would be. He replied that I would have my hands full. Ya' think?!

Okay, I am back from my new duty as nurse-maid. Everything went well, which I expected it would. Turns out when you, meaning me, end up having everything stupid complication from surgeries that can possibly happen, you end up with an arsenal of good doctors. So hubby's urologist came highly recommended, BY ME. Yah, I have a regular urologist whom I see every year just like my gyno. It is always me, every elderly man in the area, and occasionally a few younger guys and I know exactly what they're there for. But I digress. I tend to be longer-winded and spell terribly when I am this freakin' tired! My point is I knew his doctor was good, and if I had any doubts, apparently he is THE doctor to go to for vasectomies as told to me by my neighbor. HE told hubby, me first, all there was to it. Just think talking about 'shaving' of an area that is private with your male neighbor. It's a good thing I went through infertility and thus have a very high threshold for embarressment.

Hubby was nervous, but I think he felt better when he had his very first IV put in, and when the doctor finally arrived; he was a bit late. The whole procedure took so little time that I was unable to finish the damn newspaper that I was so damn excited about being able to read front to back without being interrupted. I also brought two magazines and a book with me. Apparently, I was optimistic about the length of time this surgery was going to take! All I know is that for my laparoscopies, we were there forever and a damn day, and we had to drive to freakin' downtown Chicago to have it done. Picture being on the Stevenson PRIOR to it being repaved, after just having endometriosis either cut out of you or cauterzied, and THEN having another HSG and a hystoscopy too, and then having a surgical staff who has the audacity to tell you that REGULAR TYLENOL IS GOING TO TAKE THE PAIN AWAY!!! Yah, not so much. There is also a story to that surgery, but that's another entry. Obviously, for surgery #2 I went elsewhere, but still ended up having to drive over an hour to get to the surgical center.

So how long was the drive to hubby's place of shortest freakin' surgeries ever, you ask? Ten minutes. Hubby even said to me that he thought it was further down. Glad I stopped at the 7-Eleven as I definitely had the time to do it.

I am very happy with the care that hubby received, and I don't want it to seem as though I wanted hubby to be in any more pain than he should. I know that he did this for us, and he didn't have to. I have actually had men look at me like I am crazy for even suggesting that my hubby take this step. Hubby has said that he too has received this look when he has told other men about the procedure. Well, he has received THAT look or men who want to share every single detail of their vasectomies with him. I think it's the male version of childbirth stories. BTW, I certainly wish that hubby was not told about a man's infection that he received. He was up worrying about that last night. And guess what? His doctor gave him a prophylatic antibiotic so that that very thing would NOT happen. He does it with all his patients. Another thing he does with all of his patients? He gives them something that numbs the 'scrotal area' for 5-6 hours so the men don't feel any pain. I sure would have liked something to numb my vaginal area after my two laps.! Hey, how about you women who had vaginal births? Wouldn't YOU have liked to be given a drug that numbed the shit out of you so that for 5-6 hours post-birth you would not have felt any pain, but have been able to walk around and cuddle your newborn, and hey ENJOY the first moments of life. Another thing about hubby's awesome pain management was that he was prescribed Darvoset in case he needed it. I almost had to beg, plead and offer favors to get ten fucking Tylenol #3's with the lovely Codeine, and I had TWO incisions and had A LOT more work done. Yah.

Onto my last rant here. THOSE MEN. Those men who act as though I should kiss my husband's feet for being so self-less as to put his 'manparts' into jeopardy just to make sure I don't get pregnant again. This is my reply. (Caution as I swear a lot here, which is something I have avoided on my blog). Hey asshole, I went through two surgeries plus countless infertility treatments which involved LOTS of needles, as in over ONE-HUNDRED start to finish not including the blood draws, just so I could get pregnant and give my husband and I a family. And those surgeries do NOT include the two c-sections I endured so they could get the children out of me and into the world. I also had to beg for pain relief for THREE out of four of those surgeries, whereas in your simple vasectomy procedure you are given two different drugs without asking. Oh, and don't get me started on the whole carrying a child inside your body for ten months. Don't give me 9 months, it's ten, and by the end of it, you'll be begging your doctor to just get the damn kid out of me already I am so damn uncomfortable. End of rant.

If I sound a little angry, I'm really not. I'm a bit miffed by the difference my husband received in his care and pain management than what I received. He should have been treated the way he was. I am very happy with his doctor. I just wish that I was given the same care, and that all people had that positive of an experience.

Now onto the funny moment! Doctor H. to us,"Now you are to return for a sample in one month. (I tell both of you because it's usually the wife who takes care of these things). If that one is clear, then I'll have him return in another month. After two negatives, and TWO NEGATIVES ONLY are you clear. If you don't wait until then, you could end up with a third child." Do you think I should have told him about all the unprotected sex we've already had. Probaably not as I'm sure he and the nurses would have looked at us like 'then why the hell are you here anyway, and I was too tired to explain. I DO find it ironic that we were there for a vasectomy; we were with the fertile people. If you had told me 5 years ago we would have been doing this, I would never have believed you. Isn't it ironic, don't you think.

V Day is Approaching and I Have Some Questions

Tomorrow is the big day, and I'm doing better with it. I have come to realize that I need to make the mature, right, decision and go ahead with it. Hubby is a little nervous, but ready to get the show on the road! He has never had any surgical procedure, unless you count having wisdom teeth removed, therefore, he is a little nervous about being put under and the pain that will follow. So, anyone whose husband has had a vasectomy, can you please tell me how your husband recovered, and what the instructions their doctors gave to them? Some particular questions I have are: when can he begin to walk around? What pain meds. was he on? When could he do things such as change a diaper or pick up his child again? What can I do to aid his recovery? And one question my husband refuses to ask, when can he resume sexual relations? Anything advice you can offer would be GREATLY appreciated!!!

And They Said It Wouldn't Last

Actually no one said that, although I am sure there were those who were hoping it wouldn't:) Yesterday, hubby and I were married 8 years. Together 11 in total. Yep, we had a long engagement which anyone who lives in the Chicago metro. area knows is mainly because the halls fill up so quickly! I'm trying to come up with something as witty and well-written as indigogirl, but it's not coming.

I tend to not be the touchy-feely type. I did express in words that I wrote out in hubby's card how much hubby means to me. I think he was about to fall over. He is so much more sentimental than I. He is a lot of things more than I. He expresses his feelings better, he is more self-less than I can be, he takes such good care of the boys and I, and he is so great with our finances. He is definitely the numbers guy in our relationship! I do find that there are ways in which I am better too. I may not be as sentimental and touch-feely, but I am good at making sure he's taken care of behind-the-scenes---- as in clean clothes, well-taken care of children, arranging babysitters, leaving little notes (etch-a-sketch is great for that!), attending work functions and knowing how things work. I also tend to be the more rational of the two. By this I mean, I am able to see things they way they are without attaching too much emotion to them. I also call myself the street-wise one of us. You know, it may not be a good idea to carry certain things in the downtown area, or you should shred mail and mail all important documents at the POST OFFICE. He thought I was nuts with those two until he heard from others 'in the know' that I was basically right. Oh, and we had to stop payment on a check for a bill that never made it from our mailbox to the insurance company. Yah. I also have been the lucky one in the relationship to have my credit card information stolen from Barnes and Nobles.com. What was it used for??? To create an e-mail account and charge adult websites onto! Do you believe hubby had to ask me if I had done that or not?! There have been other ways in which I have learned that people aern't always who they say they are, and I'm not talking about the ILs here. I can be overly-cautious, but once I trust someone I am loyal for life.

Hubby and I have been through good times and bad. Luckily, more good. He has been my rock. I never doubted that he would take care of me when I needed him to. Never doubted that he would do anything he could to make things better. He is a wonderful father, husband and human being. I wish I had the words to descibe how I feel about him, but maybe there just aren't those words. I don't know. I just love him is all.

Yah, Thanks Honey...

Tonight I went to Target with the understanding that I was not buying anything that was not on the list, and I certainly was NOT going to spend a hundred dollars which somehow I always seem to spend. Well, I did buy two things that were not on the list, but that was it. Pretty good, I say, for the first time using this new approach to spending less money. But then I get to the check-out line. I will the balance to come up as less than a hundred dollars, especially since I handed hubby back the coupon he gave me because it required that I spend at least one-hundred dollars. Hey, I think I've discovered a marketing ploy here. At any rate, I spent only........fifty dollars!!! I even remembered to use the coupon for my zit cream. How's that for thrifty!

Fast forward to my homecoming and telling hubby I only spent fifty dollars! (I was so proud of myself). His response,"What the hell did you spend fifty bucks on?!" Yah, he said that. I think he knows he shouldn't have, but he did. And, by the way, he's right. Thanks a whole lot honey!

He's Not a Baby Any Longer

I hestitated having Tot's hair cut any sooner. Truthfully, he really didn't need a haircut, but our beloved barber is retiring in two week's time. Since my dad, hubby and oldest son have had their hair cut there for years, I really thought it'd be cool to have Tot's cut there as well. Upon finding out that our barber Phil was retiring, I tried to make sure we could have all 'the guys' get their haircuts the same day, and get a picture of the event. You know, a generational thing of sorts. Unfortunately, to even out Tot's hair, his curls had to go. (Hear me weeping). He looks so much older now, even though the little devil would rather crawl than walk. Oh, he took his first steps on Monday! The little guy is moving further away from babyhood and closer to being a toddler. Having learned from his brother, we might not teach him to talk. The boys, hubby and my dad with Hubby and I with the boys and Phil.
our wonderful, yet retiring barber.
All the guys had their cuts today.
(*** Edited to add: Why do I always stand sideways when taking a picture. I end up looking flat-chested with a large belly).

The Way It Usually Is At My House

Seems that someone is always crying!

The Good Mother

One thing that I learned early on, is that motherhood is fraught with guilt. Guilt for letting my baby cry too long, not feeding him the 'best' foods, things that every mother has gone through. Last week, I felt guilty about not spending enough time with my oldest son in particular. I worried about him spending too much time with the babysitter and not enough with his mommy. Do you want to know how many hours a week my babysitter averages at our house? 8-10 hours per week. I always get up with the boys, get them breakfast, clothes on, etc. before she even arrives. And what do I do with my time? I go to the gym because the Tot will not go to the Kids' area while I exercise; he will, however, stay with the babysitter. Then I run errands, grab lunch and go home. I also schedule any doctor's appointments for myself during this time. Last week I also took S. to his preschool physical while I had the sitter watch the Tot. S. and I even had lunch together at the place of his choice; I had surprised him with a shot and felt, you guessed it, guilty.

So on Thursday, I decided S. and I needed some 'quality time' together. While the Tot napped in the morning, I took S. out with his fingerpaints and special fingerpainting paper. He seemed to really enjoy it, and the older he gets, the more detailed his pictures become. Anyway, it was a breezy, no windy, day which meant that the paper kept blowing on me. I looked like a fingerpainting picture by the time he was through with both of his pictures. It was not good. Makes me glad that we have a six foot wooden fence up, so that neither one of my neighbors could see me. One good thing about painting outside is the clean up. Since it was warm, I simply got the hose out. It was wonderful!

That helped my guilt for maybe a day. But every time S. acts out, I wonder what I am doing wrong. Is he upset with me for not playing with him enough. Truthfully, I get bored often when playing with him. I feel so guilty for even saying that. Am I not being patient enough? Is the Tot getting shortchanged? How can I spread myself evenly between the two?

I often think I need to not have a babysitter at all. I should spend every moment with them. That's my job. But, to tell you the truth, having the babysitter has saved my sanity. It has made me happier to have a few hours to myself. Hubby and I are able to go out about once a month. I can't ask my dad because he has been so busy lately, and my brother has three of his own kids. To be honest, I think I would be very happy having a part-time job. Something that is just mine. Don't get me wrong, I love my children so much words can't adequately describe it. I do long for some me time, though. I have been home for almost 4 years now, and I am getting antsy. I could never see myself with a lot of kids. That's just not me. I like to have some control. Many working moms I know tell me how lucky I am that I can stay home. It kind of reminds me of when people would say that I was lucky that I could do IVF. We are fortunate, I get that. I just feel guilty for not feeling that being a mom is enough, especially after all we have done to have these children. Yah, I feel this way and upon seeing an infant baby girl at church yesterday I thought to myself, 'I want one of those.' Crazy!

Being a Motherless Daughter...

The fourth of July was always a holiday celebrated in a big fashion with my mom's side of the family. Well, the ones who still lived in Chicago. We would always go to one of mom's cousins' with our dish to pass in hand. There was always so much to do. Swimming, horse-shoes, beanbag throwing, volleyball, you name it. I remember my mom being so excited to go; she loved her family. She loved getting together. My mother would beam every time she would talk with her aunts, uncles and cousins. She looked like a kid again; she just enjoyed herself so much. My mom had an idyllic childhood, and all of her family lived close-by. They all loved each other so much, and it showed whenever they were together. My mom's family is fun-crazy. They always made me smile. I tear up when I remember those days.

This year marks the fourth Fourth of July party that she wasn't here for. Surprisingly, it was the hardest one for me. My brother wasn't able to make it, nor did my father go. It was just hubby, the boys and I. We were late, but the Tot had to nap OR ELSE. I just felt like the odd man out. I don't know how to describe it. Everyone else's kids were there, adult kids, and I was there with no mother, no father, no brother. My mom wasn't there with her laughter filling the air. No seven-layer salad to eat, which was her specialty. No one plays volleyball any longer. Horse shoes were not out by the garage. The pool was open, but having my period, I didn't feel like going in. Plus, being in the pool means I have a child with me. So then there's getting swim diapers on and suits and sunscreen. I just wasn't up for it, which I feel badly about because I know the boys would have liked it. As it was, the Tot screamed almost non-stop for two hours. I did get to talk to my grandmother's brother, which I do enjoy. I love listening to stories about our family's past. My uncle also looks a lot like my much-loved grandmother. He's the last sibling left.

I felt like one of the cousins was mad at me. I began to feel like I wasn't one of the family. There is an element that has come into the family. The cousin I was the closest to has taken on drinking too much. His father has become an alcoholic, and it saddens me because he was such a good man. His mother, my mom's cousin, seems worried about things. A few members of the family call another few members 'good old boys', and that is not meant in a good way. People think hubby and I have so much. We are blessed, but we are blessed with a middle-class life not a wealthy lifestyle, believe me. A few of us have degrees, but most don't. We live in the suburbs; they live in the country. We are white-collar; most are blue-collar. I don't care about all of that, but I get the feeling others have an opinion about it. I feel like I am so different from everyone. Things change, I know. I just don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. I feel like I'm losing my mother, little by little. This was one of her favorite days; a way to relive her childhood. She's gone, my great-aunt is gone, my grandmother is gone. Where am I? Where do I fit in? Every November I have an annual cousins' party. My mom and I started it back when her cancer came back. Family, and keeping it together, was very important to her. I promised her I would do my best to keep us all together. I really enjoy those cousins' parties in November. I want to be close to my family too. Why do I feel so alone, and what can I do about it? Does anyone else feel this way? Being a motherless daughter just sucks; this I know for sure.