Not Crazy Exactly...

"I remember when, I remember when I lost my mind

There was something so pleasant about that face.

Even your emotions had an echo

In so much space.

And when you're out there

Without care,

Yeah, I was out of touch

But it wasn't because I didn't know enough

I just knew too much.

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Possibly."

Narles Barrkley, 'Crazy'

For the past several months, I have been feeling a little down, irritable---oh how irritable I've been!, and frankly pissed off. The anger that I worked so hard to get rid of was coming back.

It all started when Hubby was having a hard time at work. He was working lots of hours and was very tired and frustrated. Hubby is such a positive guy that when he was feeling like that, it started to make me feel that way too. The thing is I wanted to help him; to make things better for him, but I couldn't. So I began to feel frustrated, and then finally angry. Well, everything is better for Hubby. Some really good things are happening for him, and I pray they continue to do so. For me, though, I seemed unable to pull myself out of my funk.

At the end of April, I had my psychiatrist appointment. I told him I had no energy. After much talking, we decided to just keep an eye on it, and I scheduled an appointment for six weeks down the road. At that appointment, I told him I still had no energy which was problematic to me because I have two energetic boys in my care. He put me on Wellbutrin XL. Oh, the energy that drug gave me! After a week of taking it I started to notice that I was having trouble sleeping, so I stopped taking it. The next appointment he put me on the Wellbutrin that only lasts in your system for 12 hours. That too kept me awake. As all this is going on my mood is dropping. I kept having dreams with my mom in them, and it felt like she was still alive. In my dreams I knew that she was dying, and I tried to spend every moment I could with her. I still have a lot of guilt over what I didn't do for my mother which often manifests itself in my dreams. Needless to say, I was missing my mother like crazy! In the afternoons when Tot sleeps, I am SO bored. This staying at home business can really take it out of you! Plus, my oldest assumes when Tot is asleep he should receive attention nearly the whole time. And when he asks to play Bingo so sweetly, I feel guilty and end up playing it with him even though I would rather do something, anything else. I was just emotionally and physically spent. I was still convinced that I could get myself out of this, though. I mean when I was experiencing the PPD after Tot, I couldn't do much. Functioning was very difficult. This time I was functioning fine. I even went on several play dates and had people over too. I bet that none of them had any clue as to how I was feeling. Seriously. I am very good at covering things up.

Well, last week I attended my therapy session, and I just couldn't hold it in any longer. My therapist knows me; knows when I'm bullshitting her. She really helped me to see that I needed to call my psychiatrist, which I did. He wanted to see me the next day. His determination is that my medication is starting to not work anymore. This happens a lot apparently. Long story short, I am now on a different medication and feeling much better, thankyouverymuch. It makes me wonder, though, am I going to be battling this demon that's depression forever? I mean this started as PPD, and I'm assuming since my 'baby' is two-years old I can no longer claim that I have postpartum depression. I mean I'm not embarrassed really about having depression, I merely want to know if this is going to be a life-long condition. It also freaks me out that medications stop working and no one is sure why this happens. I don't want to be bounced from one med. to another, but what is my choice?

The good news is that I'm not constantly feeling like I'm going to bite some one's head off, and struggling to hold it inside. My boys aren't pissing me off as much. I'm happy with my husband and his job currently. I actually have some patience. Plus, Hubby and I have talked about going away for a weekend soon. Oh, how necessary that one is! I have never spent two nights in a row away from the boys. If my mom was alive, we certainly would have, but because she isn't I don't have anyone to watch the boys. I'm happy to say life is good right now, and I'm no longer crazy. Oh, how I hope this feeling lasts for a very long time!

Opinions Needed

My oldest son seems to think that 6:00 is a perfectly lovely time to get up in the morning lately. This was my child who used to love to sleep! In his early days he often slept until 9:30 in the morning. When he hit the one-year mark, unitl Tot was born, he often slept until 8:30AM., which was great as I am not a morning person. I am a night owl through and through, and have trouble going to bed prior to midnight. I know, I know.

For a while he was doing well with the instruction not to come into our room until 7:30AM. Well, I guess he still is doing well with that direction, because he still doesn't come into our room until 7:30AM, but he goes everywhere else! And I HEAR him. He thought this morning that continuously opening and closing his bedroom door would be fun. I tried the old yelling at him to knock it off from my bed thing. Nope. Did not work. I had to get up and tell him. When I did he got this 'Oh, shit!' look on his face. Remember I am not a happy camper in the morning, and even less so when I haven't slept for several days in a row! Once I am up I can pretty much kiss any further sleep good-bye. Guys, what do I do??? What kind of consequence can I give that would be effective? I am at a loss, and having had very little sleep does not lend itself to good decision-making. Oh, and in addition to no sleep for me, S. also hasn't gotten enough sleep and will not nap. So by 3:30PM he is SO crabby, as am I. I can't take this anymore! Please help!!!

Of Which Bothers Me

Lately, there seems to be a lot of stupid things occurring. When they do, I always think of some grand post I am going to write, but of course never do. So instead of writing a lengthy, well-put together post, this is what you're getting.

Things That Have Bothered Me This Week

• When I went to pick up my happy pills, there was a two-page warning about anti-depressants leading to suicide in children and teenagers. This packet of info. even listed the signs to look for. Well, the last time I looked I am not a child, and if they just looked at my birth date that is listed in their computer they would see that I have not been a child for a very long time! I'm sure it's just CYA to them.
• I went to my second appointment at my dermatologists. I've had to go because it appears that two months ago my skin thought it had become attached to the body of a 15 year-old. Hey, maybe that's why I'm getting that packet attached to my happy pills.
• I had to have a blood test before my dermatologist would write a prescription for a certain medication that she is sure will clear up my 'hormonal acne'. It's used off-label by dermatologists. What is it normally prescribed for you ask? Congestive heart failure and high blood pressure. I have low blood pressure. Hubby may have to pick me up off the floor, but hey, I've got clear skin!
• As I was registering to have my blood drawn, you know giving them my life history, when the question came to 'employment', the woman who was registering me said aloud, " Unemployed." Oh, yes. My life as a SAHM is really thought highly of. So highly that basically I don't really seem to exist to society.
• While at the zoo today, we stopped at the park that is designated for 2-5 year olds. My kids love it! Well, SOME people can't read because there were children there that clearly have not been in that age bracket for almost 7 or so years! I also dislike very much when I have to discipline someone else's child who is old enough to know not to knock down a two-year old! If you're 10, 11 or 12, you KNOW better. My girlfriends and I decided we had to leave much to the disappointment of our kids who are in the age group this park was built for. That shouldn't have happened. Have some common courtesy!
• When you get food purchased, or taken out of your bag and set up, and everyone has the untensils they need, napkins, and the mothers are FINALLY sitting down, well that is NOT the time to tell them that strollers are not allowed in that cafeteria-style restaurant! I understand that rules are rules, but please tell us before we are sitting down. Like, tell us when we are in line buying said food. I had my double stroller, and you cannot tell me they couldn't see it.
• It's starting to really get to me how little time I have for myself. How it seems like I run from one place to another with the kids, FOR the kids, and never get to even sit down. I'm exhausted, and my body seriously hurts. And the thing is nobody seems to appreciate what I do. Unemployed my ass!
• What has really pissed me off the most this week, and most weeks, is never being able to finish a damn sentence! Whenever my friends and I , or Hubby and I, try to have a conversation some child interrupts or needs something or is 'All done' with their meal, and damn it he does not want to sit here while you eat your lunch much less actually talk to someone other than him.

Ahhh......much better. Sometimes I just need to get these things off my chest.

Good-bye to the 'Girl Room'

After having two boys, I decided that at least one room had to be mine; girl's only okay! Officially this 'all-girl' room is no longer all- girl. On Saturday night we put S. to bed in underwear. Yes, he's been potty-trained for a year and a half+, but we have been putting a diaper on him every night. In the beginning, it was because we knew for sure that he couldn't wake up dry. Then it became a 'next weekend' kind- of thing. As in 'next weekend we'll try leaving him in underwear overnight.' I admit, I was being lazy. I loathed the idea of waking up and having to change the sheets. Finally, I decided I had to try it, and Hubby agreed. S. was actually very excited. We told him if he had to go to the bathroom, to go ahead and get up and go to Mommy's bathroom. "Mommy's bathroom???!!!", he said making sure that he had heard correctly. We tucked him in for the night, and in less than ten minutes, we hear him moving the wooden stool over the ceramic floor in my bathroom. (In Daddy's bathroom he has a lighter, plastic stool). It seems he needed to make a poop. He yelled down for some wipes. Later I see a poop-stained wipe in my garbage. Yuk! So there. No more girly room. It's all-boys, all the time around here!

Semi-Charmed Life

I think this is the longest I've gone without posting. All is well here; I finally got some sleep. Oh, and Hubby came back from his business trip to Hong freakin' Kong. Yah, it was good times around here! Seriously, I do not know how single moms do it. I just don't.

Now Hubby has traveled overseas for almost our whole marriage, so I don't know why this particular trip was so hard for me, but it was. I missed the man like crazy! I think part of that was because we both were so busy the week before he even left, so it felt like we hadn't spent any time together before the car picked him up to take him to the airport. I also wasn't thrilled about him leaving on a weekend. Yep, I had to try to entertain two children for an entire weekend by myself. How did I do this, you ask? Oh, I thought getting Tot's two- year picture taken would be a good idea on a Saturday! You'd think I must've been on crack when I made that decision, wouldn't you! It was hell! I've decided that I am no longer getting the kids' pictures taken alone, which probably means we won't have many pictures of the boys from this point on. Anyway, the next day went better, but that night my brother's power went out and it was hot, hot, hot outside. After two hours of frying and lovely Com. Ed having no information about when it might be turned back on, they came over to my house. All five of them. They slept on the couches and floor. I mean what could I do? I couldn't let them swelter in their house while my brood and I were all chilly willy and such. I just don't do well with chaos. And remember I wasn't sleeping. And my husband was 15 hours away!

I kept telling myself all week what a charmed life I live. That I should be grateful that I have such an awesome husband who obviously does more than I give him credit for around here. Then it hit me. I do need my husband. Please don't roll your eyes and think, of course you do, you idiot! Ever since I can remember I've had this feminist-type of attitude. I don't need a man I just enjoy men; I just like to have 'em around. I will support myself, do everything myself so I never have to depend on anyone. The old 'a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle' kind of thing. Usually when Hubby comes home from one of these trips he finds something has been altered in or outside of our home. One year it was planting rosebushes and daylilies oh my! Another it was painting and putting in a new floor in our sub-basement so that S. would have a playroom. Last year it was painting everything else in the basement and hanging new curtains and such. This year I decided to say fuck it. I can't do everything myself. We were not put on this earth to go it alone. It's okay to need help. It's okay to admit it and ask for it. It's okay to rely on your husband, or to admit to yourself that already do. So there it is. And it only took me 30+ years to figure that out.