Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to the most wonderful man-my husband:)

Always Something That Needs to Be Done!

Why does it seem that everything has to be done at once. The brand new air-conditioner has been making a high-pitched whistle every time it is on. It was 90 today, so that was pretty much all day! We've had problems with our landscaping company, and the owner won't call me back. Am I THAT scary at only 5'4"? Idiots! Also, youngest needs to have an x-ray of his neck for his pulmonologist ASAP! I had to make an appt. for Tot's Kindergarten physical.; I still can't talk about my baby going to school. My boys need swim lessons again, and I have yet to turn in the forms. Sorted through clothes for Goodwill, and dropped those off, but now need to sort through toys. Jeez, have my kids accumulated stuff! After going through the mudroom, the room where everything is just thrown, I found the dress-shirts my husband needs for an important conference. Brought those to the dry cleaner. Will pick-up tomorrow. Found new gym shoes for S. since his toe went through the top of his old shoes. Signed Tot up for Soccer, and forgot to bring his birth certificate. Had to go back, and he is now all set! I'm leading a part of VBS at our church. I had to go yesterday to make sure everything was sorted. I ordered pictures through Shutterfly, and I now have to put them in albums. I've never gotten to go shorts shopping yet. I think that's why I end up wearing the same year after year...


I have made a lot of progress though. I've learned to prioritize each job. Everything I cross off my list makes me feel good. It's a lot of work. I thought the baby days were full. Now my days are full of boy/kid things. It's not less satisfying, it's just different, and change is not my strong-point.

The Past and the Present

I haven't really known what to write here lately. Ever since I found out that a person from the small town I lived in for 4 1/2 years, was reading I've been afraid of saying something too personal. I know, I know, I've been writing personal things here for over four years, but knowing that a person who knows me is reading just feels weird. What makes it worse is I don't know who this person is. I only know they're from the very small town I left long ago.

I only know a few people who still live in small town, a very few---like two. The people that I hung out with have been long gone from there, and don't miss it a bit. So if one of those people were reading I don't really think they'd be writing down that they are from the town they are glad to be away from, but who knows for certain. Which leaves me to people I dated, one in particular, or friends of his that I don't know if they're still there or what. There are just things I don't want people to know. I know that a friend of his could be reading and then tells him or someone I forgot about. I think generally we all want to show people from our past how wonderful we are doing without them, or leaving a town so small that the one time, recently, I drove in there, I developed anxiety big time.

It was this anxiety that caused me to rethink my relationship all those years ago. I am not a person who likes nature, which is not a good way to be since nature abounds there. I am not a person who ever wanted to get pregnant in high school, or soon after, and get married. To expect that would be my life. I am not a person who can live in an area that seems so depressed. There's not a lot of jobs there, and what there is are not what I'd want to do. I went to college, and all of my friends who did, are gone. I felt like I never belonged, or did for only a few years , but I wasn't like anyone there. I like bigger towns and all that entails...dare I say that? I just wanted more. I knew I'd never be happy there, so I had to let go of the past. The past that included my long-time boyfriend. I loved it here, and we were just too different.
So, you see, I don't want those people to know I had trouble getting pregnant, or experienced depression or anything that would make people think that I'm not the person I wanted to be. That life in 'the big city' isn't going so well. That I somehow failed. Who would?
What I would like those people to see is my wonderful husband. The perfect man for me. My rock. I would like them to see would a nice life I have. Other than my mom dying, this is pretty much how I'd always wanted it to be. To see that I graduated college and became what I'd always wanted and said I'd become. A teacher. To see that I worked in one of the most coveted districts in the state, and did very well thank-you-very-much. To see that I left my career knowing full well I was leaving that job, and may never return to it again. To see I did it for two beautiful little boys that may make me crazy, but ultimately are two of the greatest joys of my life. To see that even though I said I would always work, that nothing makes me happier than being with them. To see we live in a nice area, house, with wonderful neighbors. The kind that talk to one another in front of our houses when it's warm. Who have helped in unimaginable ways. To see that I really did marry the man of my dreams. We are so alike in all the big stuff, like finances and raising the kids well. To see I am more than infertility and depression. I am a whole person. I've come a long way baby...

Happy Mother's Day!

If you still have your mom, give her a hug or call. We aren't promised anything in life.

The Club No one Wants To Join

What can I say to a woman who lost her mom a month ago? Should I tell her that the first year is the hardest, even though it's only been a month? Should I tell her it sucks that your mom won't see your children grow up, and in my case, won't even meet my youngest? Should I tell her that you can try to make yourself busy, but you can't avoid the pain forever. Should I tell her how it's the smallest things that just pop up that make her cry. It could be a store they went in to together, or the realization that she can't just call her mom up anymore. Should I tell her that even though it's been years, I still cry and feel that pit in my stomach when I miss her? Should I tell her the holidays suck, and if it wasn't for my kids, I wouldn't even celebrate them? Should I tell her how there will always be regret of what you didn't do, no matter how many people tell you it isn't true? Should I tell her how the day her mother died will be ingrained in her memory forever?
Should I tell her how much it hurts when I tell my boys about my mom, but they'll never meet her. Should I tell her about the day we were by a church that bells ring on the hour? Should I tell her that previously I told them how much my mom loved those bells. Should I tell her how my boys said to me,"Mommy, do you think Grandma Debbie can still hear the bells? How I have tears in my eyes now as I type this?
Should I tell her grief physically hits your body making, at times, not able to get things done? It's just too overwhelming. Should I tell her that I sniffed my mom's clothes so I could remember her? Should I tell her that it sucks that her mother isn't alive, and it will never stop sucking? Should I tell her about the time I told the boys we were going to the cemetery to see Grandma Debbie, and when we were at her grave, Tot said to me,"Mom, where is Grandma Debbie?" He didn't understand why he couldn't see her? Should I tell her that just last week, on the 7th anniversary on my mom's death, I had to tell Tot why he shouldn't stand on top of the mounds of dirt? S. and I tried to explain to him that people's bodies are underneath the ground. He didn't buy it, and recited the whole resurrection of Jesus, and how when the rock was taken away there was no body of Jesus.

Should I tell her it's lonely being without your mom, her right hand? Should I tell her how hard it is to see the world just going on even though she feels like she can't breathe. She misses her mom that much. Should I tell her how she will feel like staying in bed, or at least, feel overwhelmed even though there is no more on her 'mom plate' that usual.

Sure I can tell her all of those things, but this grief is hers, and she just has to grieve it in her way. I can tell her, however, that I will be there no matter what. She has officially become a member of the dead mother's club. A group no one wants to become a member of. No one...

Little Girl in an Adult World

Now that my oldest is in first grade, we have to get up early and get to the bus stop at an insanely early time. That's the negative. The positive is now meeting neighbors I've never met before. Well, that used to be a positive.

Last year, we stood at the bus stop with two women and their children. One of the moms had lost her job, so she was able to take her daughter to the bus stop. She was happy to do it, and she seemed quite nice. We ended up talking a lot. That was last year.

This year the woman, I'll call her Roxi, has not been at the bus stop much. Her little girl is in the same grade as my son. Anyway, when I walked the little girl, Jessie, home Roxi was outside. Well, Roxi smelled like alcohol. When I asked what she had to drink to replied lemonade, as if I didn't know the difference between alcohol and lemonade! I made a comment to lighten the mood. I figured maybe she just had a glass of wine or something. I know it was early, but I could not come up with a reason for a grown woman to be drinking at 2:30PM. I know her lying about drinking was a bad thing, but I wanted to believe it was a one time deal.

Unfortunately, it was not. Now every time I have seen her after school I smell alcohol on her breath. Other than that, she acts completely normal, and is even fun to be with. I can't reconcile both sides.

Well, about a month ago our weather started turning nice. I let my boys invite their friends over to play outside. I am happy to say that our house has become the house for which I am extremely grateful. Anyway, I asked if Jessie would like to come and she said yes and brought her bike over. While the boys were playing, Jessie and I were talking while we were using colored chalk on our driveway. I could tell she was sad, and very happy to be here. She seems lonely since she is 11 years younger that her sister, and they both have different fathers. Hers fled to another country, so she has never met him. While her sister goes to her father's house on the weekends, Jessie stays home with her mom.

One day the boys and I were talking about the family dinners we have. She said to me, "We never eat together" The other day she told me her mom doesn't make dinner. I didn't press it. I figure she'd let me know if she wanted to talk about it.

The other day I made spaghetti and asked if she'd like to stay for dinner. She said,"My mom says it's always okay for me to be here, but I'll go ask." And back she came.
While I was cooking my two boys and her were playing. My boys and Jessie get along very well. I called dinner was ready and hands were washed.
Jessie thought we would just start to eat, but instead we prayed. We added a thank you for Jessie being able to eat with us which, I think, surprised her.
I don't know what to do about the situation, but I do know she is always welcome at our house. The poor thing is only a kid and already she is facing such an adult world. I wish I could do more. I only wish I could do more...

Being a Mom of Older Boys

Christmas 2009, ages 7 and 4

Tot at the zoo, 17 months

S., age 4

S. age 3 and Tot 7 months

S. 4 months

I don't know when it happened, exactly, but my oldest has become an official 'boy'. His face has lost those last signs of babyhood, he goes to school all day, and his needs have changed from being with mom to being with friends. We have maintained a very close relationship, but now that relationship seems different.
S. is trying to find an activity he likes, and now that he is 7, there are a lot for him to choose from. Tot will be turning 5 in May. I can't even think about that because it upsets me too much. As a result, he would also like to enroll in an activity-he thinks soccer.. I only allow one activity at a time for my boys. This will be the first summer that I will be carting my boys around. It just feels weird. Weren't my boys just babies? When did I become a mom with older kids and not a 'new mom'?

It was beautiful today, so we went outside for a while. I grabbed our mitts and ball, and told S. that we could do ten throws, the kid is into numbers, and then he could do something else. The funny thing is I really enjoyed it. That's the thing about us moms of boys. We're a tough group. We have to be. With husbands working ridiculous hours, we have to step into that role of mother/father. I always tell other moms of boys, you either get into the game or sit on the sidelines feeling sorry for yourself. No, you don't have a girl. Yes, most boys are energetic and ...dirty, but you have to accept that. I'm really enjoying this stage of my sons' lives. It's both sad and amazing seeing my sons' grow, but it's mainly amazing. No more car seats. The trunk no longer carries strollers, diaper bags or 'pack n' plays'. They have been replaced with backpacks, bats, mitts and balls of all kinds. This is our new life. I will try to look forward instead of back, and enjoy the two blessings that God has given to us. And if I get a little dirty along the way I'll just smile and remember that I have never been happier in all my life as I am right now, dirt and all.

Catching up!

Ahhh...where to start. I have been over at facebook, who keeps changing things, and facebook is, as many people have said, a time-zapper. I open my page up and swear I'll only be one for 5 minutes. Well, I don't think I've only been on 5 minutes since I started. Waste of time. The benefit there is that I ran into a lot of people I knew, and it's been fun seeing what they're up to. Some I haven't seen since graduation, so it's fun to see how much we've changed. I have to pinch myself to believe that we all are in our mid-to-late 30's and beyond. From today on I am going to work to stay off of facebook, or only on it for 5 minutes. Do you think I can do it???

• A quick summary of what has been going on in formerteacher's house...S. started first grade, which was hard initially, but to which I give credit for my sanity being restored. I love him so much, and like I tell him, no matter what he does I will never stop loving him. However some times I've had enough of the game, how can I piss off Tot and mom in one try! By himself he's a dream. It's been a lot of fun playing games, Wii bowling etc. He can do so much now, and we are alike in many ways. (BTW, I always said these kids wouldn't get a video system. Well, Santa thought differently, and I am loving it. Geez, another thing to get addicted to:) That's a whole other topic!


• September brought the not so fun stage of 'someone has been hurting my kid you-better- DO something about it!' Oh, yes, the principal and I had a lovely conversation, and I'm pretty sure I overdid, but when MY SON comes home with cuts and bruises, which he initially told me were made by him falling, I don't give a shit who the hell you are, you're going to fix it. And if she didn't, I told her I was going higher. Yeah, she loves me, and boy is she just going to be so excited when she learns the younger one starts next year---5 years in a row of dealing with my boys--and me. Ha! I'm fairly certain no one is going to bother either one of them since the principal won't want to be spending any time with the likes of me!


• I used to teach in that district, and I'm pretty certain I will never work there again...I'm sure the word will get out.


• Tot is doing great in preschool, and now that S. goes full time, I've been able to go to his meetings and special performances. He loves that!


• Husband working hard. We are blessed that he is employed when so many aren't. Just wish we had more time together.


• I'm loving texting even though I said I would never use that feature.


• Christmas ended up working out. Unfortunately, I came down with an upper respiratory infection. Hubby had to work. It was oh so much fun taking care of two kids when you feel like you're dying! Wednesday, Hubster ended up getting it too. It was the gift that kept on giving!


• Here in IL it seems like the snow and cold temps. have hung over us like a fog. We also haven't had much sun, which always bugs me. I think I just may buy one of those lamps:)


• Was all set to have surgery. Then I had the pre-surgery labs. Surgery cancelled. Another doctor visit. Apparently, I am severely anemic. The plan? I take three 65 mg iron pills. I stopped taking them a few days ago. I am not going to feel like I have morning sickness all day-every day. That was supposed to be one of the joys of having no more kids!


• And I am feeling overwhelmed with all that needs to be done! I don't think that'll ever change, but I worry about how it'll be when I go back to work.


• I cut my finger while using the electric hedgers. Got 4 stitches. First time I ever had to get stitches. Not fun. Didn't like the shots in the cut itself.
  
• Went to CA sans kids. Excellent! Was able to talk without being interrupted.
  


• There you go in a nutshell! Now I'll be on to a post that doesn't leave you falling asleep!