I Will Buy You a New Life

'I will buy you a garden where your flowers can bloom,
I will buy you a new car, perfect, shiny and new,
I will buy you that big house way up in the west hills,
I will buy you a new life----yes, I will'
----Everclear, 1998


When I grew up, there was a lot of love in my family, but usually not a lot of money. Now don't get me wrong, we never wanted for anything, well--except a pair of Guess jeans and the latest expensive fashions, but we were always well-fed and taken care of. We always lived in a house, had two reliable cars, and two parents that loved my brother and I very much. So we had a lot, but not in the way of material things. There was also a period of time when my dad just kept getting laid-off from work. Seriously, the man would work hard and still couldn't catch a break. For example, my dad worked for a Swedish company. He enjoyed the people as well as the job. Then guess what happens when my dad starts to feel very comfortable in his position? The company packs up and heads back to Sweden. How can you prepare for that? You can't. So for a period of time, that seemed like forever, my parents struggled. And by struggle I mean struggled to pay the housepayment, carpayments, etc. Do you know what it feels like when you hear your parents screaming at each other because one payed the car payment and didn't inform the other, and NOW there isn't enough money to pay the mortgage? It feels pretty crappy! And scary. Our extended family always helped out, on my mom's side anyway, and we always ended up OK. My dad's family however, took great pride in the fact that we were struggling. It was humiliating when they would bring over food for us and tell EVERYONE about it! For the record, my dad's family is so mean, and evil in my opinion, that no one in my immediate family has spoken to them in almost 15 years. I don't advocate severing all ties with family, but after almost 20 years of US 'trying to make it work', it appeared it never would improve and we all were better off without them in our lives. I am still very sad about this, but I know I can't change them. I tried. We all tried.

At any rate, my mom was very good at stretching a dollar and taught me that skill as well. I admit I could be very miserly when it came to money. I was just so scared if I didn't plan well enough, I would have to do without again and I NEVER wanted to feel that way again. Because of my parents' marriage at a young age, they were not able to go to college. My mom did when we were grown, and became a nurse, her dream. I was so proud of her. But growing up, my parents did not have college degrees. They both had planned on getting one, but life got in the way I guess. My parents, therefore, emphasized the importance of education, as well as not getting married at a young age. It was never a question of ARE you going to college, but rather WHERE are you going to college? I knew when I was 10 years old that I was going to be a teacher, and that is exactly what I became. I swore I would never get myself into the position my parents had. My mom said that if my brother and I had learned from my parents' mistakes then maybe it had been worth it after all.

So fast forward to my graduation day from college. My parents were so proud! They now had two college educated kids. I went to a private university and ended up getting an academic scholarship. I truly do not know how I would have paid for college without that scholarship. I am not very athletic, so that was out, and my parents were unable to set up college plans for us. They did pay for our first two years at a junior college, and then we were on our own, so to speak. I had to buy my own car too. I was pretty resentful at the time, but now I see how much I appreciate things that some people just expect. I think it made me a better person. I can be self-sufficient, and I am a stronger person because of it. On a side-note, my first car was a 1987 Oldsmobile Firenza. Does anyone remember those?

I met Jeff just two months after my graduation. He already had his masters degree, CPA, and a good job. Jeff is about 4 years older than I am. I was so impressed with his work ethic, and by his beliefs on saving money as well as not putting yourself in debt just to have what you want. I mean this man also paid off his credit cards every month IN FULL. (I learned from my parents just what a bad idea it is to run up credit card debt, so if I don't have it I don't spend it.) I hope I can always be this way. Well, of course there are many more reasons why I fell in love with Jeff, I won't bore you with those right now.

When I got my first job, I also bought a new care. Well, a 'new to me' car. As luck would have it, my brother got a company car so he sold me his for what he owed. Yes, boys and girls, I became a proud owner of a 1992 Chevy Cavalier!!! Hey, it was a lot better than the Oldsmobile!

So I continued to work and date Jeff. Jeff's family did not have the struggles my family had with money. Not at all. In fact, he was given his first car, and his sister got to go to the dealer and pick out her's. They both had their college degrees, bachelor's and master's, paid for. No loans. In addition to my scholarship, I had to take two loans which I am still paying off. Jeff always had the latest everything. The good thing about Jeff is he appreciated it all. However, we still have some disagreements about what our kids should 'get' and what they should 'work' for. And when Steve was only 6 weeks old, he felt it was so IMPORTANT to get his college tuition plan started NOW. I was still recovering and not sleeping, but hey my son was going to be able to go to college in 18 years without having to pay a dime of it himself. This I knew.

Backing up, Jeff and I decided to get engaged and to buy a house together. We initially lived in an apartment until we could move into our house AFTER we were married. When we found our current home, I thought I was living someone else's dream. Not because our house is grand or anything, but because it was bigger than any house I had ever lived in. I couldn't believe we could afford it. I just cried when I thought of planting flowers and well, this being my home. We live on a pretty steep hill, which makes our house have even more 'curb appeal' in my opinion. Now I know on my teaching salary that I never could have afforded this house, that it was Jeff's that bought this house, and it did somewhat bother me. But this is a house that we can raise a family in, so I got over it. So Jeff bought me a garden where my flowers DO bloom. He DID buy me a house in the west hills, just not the ones the song refers to. And I got my first NEW car, not new to ME car, but an actual new car. I was elated! I kept that car so clean, and then I gave it to my husband three years ago. See the difference? A new car isn't as big a deal to him, like it is to me. So my cars are immaculate, while his cars......AREN'T. So he also bought me a new car, perfect, shiny and new. Well, we have since bought me a second new car.

I really feel like Jeff has bought me a new life, so to speak. I used to look at the prices at teh grocery store. I remember shopping with my mom and bringing the claculator with us so we would spend only what we had. I don't do that. If I want something, within reason here, I buy it. I will tell you, though, that I still feel guilty about buying my Coach purse last year. I mean I spent $500 on the purse and wallet, and it isn't even that good-looking. I believe I bought it because I still have those feelings. Those left out, not good-enough feelings. Like a purse can change that? Oh, and it was right before Mother's Day. I admit to being an emotional shopper. I wish I would have spoiled my mom. Bought her the things she would never buy herself, even though my parents were doing quite fine financially when she died. I wish I could have showed her what fun it is to buy, get this, TWO designer shirts and not flinch. To walk confidently into an expensive store and tell them what you're looking for. To be ABLE to emotionally shop. I started doing that after her death, though. There is just so much I wish she could have experienced. With me. She did tease me, however, about getting a pedicure every three weeks. She couldn't understand why I just didn't do it myself; what a waste of money. Why didn't I do it myself anymore, because I no longer HAD to. I no longer was the loser, the struggler, the one without. Childhood always stays with us, even if our perception was wrong. And being a girl is just so hard when you're growing up.

I am not rich, not even CLOSE. I am 'comfortable', which is truly all I ever wanted to be. I always hoped to live in a nice home, without having to worry about how we were going to pay the bills, with a wonderful husband from a good family, and with my two kids. I hope and pray that they never know the financial struggles I know are out there. I know my mom would hope the same for them. So yes, I essentially believe Jeff 'bought' me a new life because I have never lived this way before, and I probably wouldn't be able to without him. Am I dependent on him financially? I guess so. Does it bother me? Sometimes. But remember, I am a smart cookie, and one of the smartest things I ever did was to marry Jeff. And not only from a financial standpoint, believe me.

I (Heart) Carmen

Today I went to have a pregnancy massage, with my all-time favorite masseuse Carmen. I had one pregnancy massage with another masseuse before finding my angel Carmen, and let's just say 'waste of money'! When I got a gift-certificate for my birthday I decided to give it another try as I was getting sooooo uncomfortable. I just called to see if someone could get me in, and Carmen did. From the moment I met her, she was very professional and asked questions no other massage therapist had asked before. I also found out she is certified in prenatal massage. She told me she found the pregnancy massage the spa offers to be just 'fluff'; she does it differently. I was feeling just so bad that when she told me this, I swear I could have hugged her! And another great thing about Carmen: she doesn't TALK during the massage. I swear I have gotten the nicest people before, but they always want to talk. I don't want to talk during a massage, I want to zone out and enjoy it. After all, it isn't often that can find the time, not to mention someone to watch Steve, so I can have a massage.

So I am feeling great right now, well for being almost 9 months pregnant. I owe this to Carmen. I hope my good tip is compensation enough; I feel like nothing will adequately tell her what she has done for me. A little dramatic, eh? Oh, but so true.

Ever Have One of Those Days....

when all you can think about is that your husband will be home in 4, 3, 2 hours to help you, and then you get a phone call from him at about 5:30PM saying he won't be leaving for another hour and a half? And not knowing that he'd be late, you actually cooked a GOOD meal while your toddler screamed," NOooooooooooo!!!!!" in the whiniest voice possible because, hey it worked last week when he was sick? Oh, and you're 8 1/2 months pregnant to boot, and said toddler knows all too well that your patience is shot and you can no longer keep up with him? Yah, that was my day.

Just an FYI

Steve is feeling better, thank you to those who posted or e-mailed me. Steve just started becoming himself today. Prior to today, we were back on a newborn's schedule complete with frequent screams/crying at night. It is oddly comical now, but Jeff and I were nudging each other when it was 'your turn' to get up with Steve. Steve was also really whiney, and the house was always full of noise. I guess I have really gotten used to the routine that we have set up. I was feeling so down when all of this was happening, I believe partly because, like with a newborn, I didn't know what to expect next. Plus, I was so worried about Steve. At any rate, this experience has reminded me of what it's like to have a newborn in the house. I am scared, frankly. Excited and scared, but still scared. I know I cannot prepare totally for what life will be like with two children. Heck, I can't even prepare for having a newborn in the house because he may be very different from Steve. So what worked with Steve may not work with this baby, and vice versa. And I remember quite well how much the first 6 weeks sucked. I am not the greatest with newborns. Give me a 3-6 month old and I am in heaven, but a newborn, well, that is not my strength. Older babies smile and cry for reasons. You can read them better, but with newborns I am often at a lose as to what they want. Plus, after having a c-section I am just so worn out from trying to recover. I am trying to tell myself that it may be better this time, and it may be. I have raised an infant before, my mom is not dying, and the weather at this time of the year is nicer so I can get out. My mood is influenced by the weather, so good weather can only help. But then I say, I will have TWO children to take care of, a c-section to recover from, and my mom is dead so I can't even receive reassurance from her. I am also afraid of the PPD returning. Sigh........................ I guess I have to learn that I cannot control everything, and that there are some things I can't know until they happen. I just pray all goes well. I really do.

Can I Keep Them, Please?!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been very small-breasted my whole life. I never had the need to even buy a bigger bra when I was pregnant with Steve. Nope. When I went into labor I had my regular 34A on. For those of you overseas who use the metric system, think VERY, VERY SMALL. I was hugely disappointed because I had always looked forward to having larger breasts when I was pregnant. Even my mom whom was also flat chested had larger boobs when she was pregnant. I thought it was a given; turns out it's not. I did not breast feed, but my milk did come in and I have to report that even then, I did not need a larger bra. How is that possible? I thought I must be a freak of nature. My breasts got wider, but that was about it.

After the disapppointment of my last pregnancy, you can imagine my amazement when it appeared that I was getting larger boobs from the beginning of this pregnancy. Even Jeff noticed it, and believe me, he would not lie to me about it. When we went to our first ultrasound and found out we were having twins, I figured that must be the reason. I had very high hormone levels, which did give me bad morning sickness AND, I figured, a bigger chest. Unfortunately, we lost baby B somewhere between 8-10 weeks and I figured that my breast growth would be stunted then too. Of course, I thought of this AFTER I grieved for our baby. I'm not that self-absorbed:)

Imagine to my surprise when they kept right on growing, and growing, and growing! I do admit to wearing push-up bras when I go out sans Steve. I mean I have got to enjoy this while it lasts! And you know you have big boobs when your girlfriends comment to you on it. Last week, I went to Jeff's work for lunch. I do not have many clothes for warm weather, and last Wednesday it was 80 degrees. I told him I was going to have to wear the spaghetti strap tank with a cute Gap maternity cardigan. I told him that 'the girls' would be on display though. With that shirt I can't keep them down. He seemed very happy about that. I am not the only one who is enjoying this new development.' Not that we're having sex or anything; too big, tired and uncomfortable at this point!

I know this too shall pass, but I want to keep them!!!! Please, please please!!!! I have been good. I have put my time in. Don't I deserve this? Sigh.... I was not going to BF, but maybe I will so 'the girls' and me can have more time together. We can't stand to part just yet.