I am sitting here very tired at almost 9:00PM. Steve is in bed, put there by mommy, the downstairs is picked up, directed by mommy. I did this on the floor even though I swore I wouldn't. Reason: my son will do a half-assed job, even by two-year old standards, if I'm not right there so he knows that I know that he's not really cleaning up. Where is my husband? Oh, no not at work. Actually, the good news is that busy season has officially ended so now he'll be home at a more reasonable time. So for two weeks, things will be back to normal around here. After that, all hell breaks loose as baby boy #2, now officially known as Ryan Michael, arrives. Oh, yah, where IS my husband you ask??? At basketball. Then out for drinks at a bar where I hear only adults go.
I feel a bit guilty complaining, but then I think maybe I shouldn't. But maybe I should. Reasons for feeling like I might be being selfish about this all. #1---He took care of Steve all weekend long. He let me sleep in. I did not change one diaper. #2---He has been working long hours for almost 4 months which he hasn't exactly enjoyed either. #3---This job enables me to stay home with our children, which I do enjoy most of the time. Or I know is important, or the right thing for me to do, or something like that. Ask me when I'm not pregnant or recovering from a c-section. #4---He did all the laundry. And brought the basket upstairs the same day. I will put my stuff and Steve's away. He will put his own clothes away.
Reasons why I feel upset, and a little angry, that Jeff is at basketball. #1--- I am 9 months pregnant. Enough said there. #2 Steve is 2 1/2 years-old. Enough said there. #3--- I have been taking care of Steve pretty much exclusively Monday-Friday for four months so Jeff could do all the work he had to do. He never had to worry about getting off of work in time to pick Steve up from daycare or the like. He knows I am always here, and that Steve is in good hands. And to be honest, me not working almost saves us money. We did the calculations, and with child-care and other work related expenses, plus having to pay more taxes due to our dual income, well I almost would be paying to work. Remember I am a teacher in a middle-class suburb. Loved the job, not the salary. #4---When does my busy season end???? #5--- Jeff came home at 5:30 to eat and then left at 6:15. Yah, no help there. And he won't be home until 10:30. Nice to see you honey! #6---One of the few times we went out sans Steve, we went to dinner with his boss. The time before that, we went to his company party. I am always the 'good wife', I feel. I go to the parties, the dinners, the plays, and yes I do sometimes enjoy them. But I also would like my husband to plan a night for just the two of us. I actually had to remind him yesterday that it would be nice to go to dinner next Saturday by ourselves since I would be having another one of his children the following week. Gosh, I'm a bitch. #7---Mother's Day will be at his parent's house. I will be going. Ever since my mom died I dread this holiday. Last year, I didn't go anywhere. I had paid to do a breast cancer walk in memory of my mom. I even bought the supplies to make Steve a shirt that said 'Walking in memory of my Grandma'. Needless to say, that shirt never got made, and I only got out of bed that day to go to the cemetary. So if I do make it, or try, to my IL's house on Sunday it is a HUGE thing.
Anyway, I feel like lately I am doing a lot for my husband and just wish he wouldn't make me feel guilty when I say I need some help. I do know, and appreciate, that Jeff does more than the average males that we know. But still, I don't feel like he gets it when I tell him how tired I am, how uncomfortable I am, how I can be in pain from a baby doing flip-flops in my belly where there is no longer any room. Every woman I have talked to gets this, of course, because they've been there. Am I being selfish by wanting my husband here? For wanting him to feel a little of how I feel every day? To feel appreciated?
Monday, May 02, 2005
Thursday, April 28, 2005
I Miss You Mom
Today is the two-year anniversary of my mom's death. I am forewarning everyone that this will be a sad entry, course you probably already guessed that, right?! I am going to write my mom a letter and then share my 'speech' that I read at her funeral.
Dear Mom,
I can't believe it has been two years since you've been gone. I still remember the day you died like it was yesterday. Monday, April 28th was a beautiful day. It was in the 60's and sunny. I remember the trees swaying in the breeze, and thinking just what a beautiful day it was; how it was one of the type of days you loved. It was neither too hot nor too cold, there was a nice breeze and NO BUGS YET! Dad called that morning to tell me they had to take you to the hospital the night before. He felt bad that you were at the hospital knowing how much you preferred being in your own bed. Unfortunately, Dr. O'Reilly was in Florida and you got the new cocky oncologist who really did a horrible job of managing your pain. I was with you a few hours before, and Dr. S. had you on a Dilaudid drip that contained A LOT less medicine than the morphine you were on previously. We put you under because we felt you were in too much pain. We thought the drip would be good; you would not be concious anymore and thus not feel any pain. You had told us you had enough, and when you told us that, we knew you had. The last words you and I spoke to one another were right before we changed you to the drip. I told you I loved you, and you were able to say clearly that you loved me too. I am SO glad that those were our last words to each other. At any rate, the drip was put in and you were soon in a sort-of drug induced coma; I know as a nurse you knew what we were doing. In fact, I believe you had your care all outlined, which we appreciated. The problem that occurred was Dr. S. gave you too low of a dose and you suffered through withdrawal. I cannot get over how cruel this was. You had to deal with the pain of cancer as well as the pain of drug withdrawal. I know Dr. S.'s fate is in the Lord's hands and I am trying to leave it to Him to deal with, but it's so hard. I saw you suffer, and like a parent with a child, I wanted to relieve any pain you were experiencing, so did Dad. We don't talk about this with Dad often; he is still too upset about it.
So Dad decided it was time to admit you to the hospital for some proper pain relief. The ambulance drivers, who were about 18-19 years old, treated you with little respect. Chris V., who worked for that ambulance company, told me at your wake that that is because you were a DNR. The ambulance company sends the least experienced workers to DNR's because they aern't going to have to resuscitate you. Basically, all they do is load and unload patients. Isn't that nice? Actually I am sickened to this day by their lack of regard for you and your pain.
I called Lee and she came over within the hour to watch Stephen. I stopped at the 7-11 to get Dad and I Super-Big Gulps because I felt this would be a long day for us and we could use the caffeine. None of us were sleeping much either. I headed to the hospital and don't remember too much. Mike arrived shortly after I did, and I remember thinking how it was just the four of us again. You appeared at peace, and finally out of pain. I didn't know exactly what to do at this point. Dad, Mike and I talked about Dad staying overnight, and I worried about not being there when you died. I did not want to get a phone call telling me you passed away; I wanted to be there.
Somewhere in the middle of this I decided I should call Jeff; I still don't know what pushed me in that direction. I didn't believe that you were going to die that day; I really didn't. So why did I feel so compelled to call Jeff and Pastor Blankman? Maybe it was you. I know you would have wanted Jeff by my side when you passed on. You knew he would make me feel better and take care of me. Even though it was busy season, Jeff left immediately. And he WAS there next to me when you died. Which leads me to the moments proceeding your death. Can you believe that the hospital was testing the fire alarms? We noticed your chest rise sharply. Then Mike, who I must admit was WAY more observant than the rest of us, said he didn't think you were breathing. Dad paged the nurse and she said your death was imminent. We all gathered around your bed, held onto you and told you it was OK for you to let go; we would be okay. And with that, you were gone. It was surreal, Mom. I have never seen someone die before. I was so glad we were all there with you, and that you did it your way.
Pastor Blankman arrived only minutes later, and was upset she missed your final moments. Route 83 was very busy that day; I know you can relate to that. Pastor Blankman was crying alongside of us; she felt a strong connection to you. Remember you were born on the same day and year as each other. She had grown close to you throughout your battle with breast cancer. I respect her so much; she was so good to all of us. Anyway, I felt so bad for her that I was trying to make her feel better. Julie and her mom came to the hospital and sat with us until we were ready to leave. Sarah just couldn't come. She was on her way and had to turn around. Dad took us to the room where you had your chemotherapy. I couldn't believe it was so small and so normal looking.
When we went to Dad's later that evening, I ran upstairs and took your past, present and future diamond ring that you left me. It hasn't been out of my sight since. I also wear you cross necklace every day; it helps me to feel like you're still with me. And in a way, I believe you are.
Oh, my gosh Mom, your wake was packed! People came from all over to pay their last respects. People I hadn't seen in ten or more years in some cases. We also received letters over the following months from friends sharing moments that they'll never forget. Your laugh was among the #1 things people say they remember about you. So your high school nickname of 'Giggles' still lives on.
I think about you every day. I see you in myself as I mother Stephen. I hear you whenever I try to make a hard decision. Hell, I hear you everytime I get upset about Jeff having to work late again. "Bev, it's his job. You do like to eat don't you? Don't give him any more problems about it. He doesn't like it anymore than you do." and so on. I have mellowed which is good. I just wish you could be here to see it! I wish you could be here to see Stevie grow up. Man is that kid a sweetie! You would've loved him; Dad is right. I wish we could go to lunch together, go shopping, grab a coffee in the mall and talk again. Christmas shopping just sucks now; it's a job not something I enjoy anymore. Hell, the holidays just aern't the same anymore. If I didn't have Stevie, I just wouldn't bother. Christmas is just a time where Jeff's family gets upset with us anyway. I know when Stevie is old enough to understand, it should get to be more fun. I think he will understand a lot more this year. I also am having a hard time coming to terms with the fact you will never get to meet this baby. With Stephen, I have pictures with you holding him, and I could call you for reasurrance during those early days when I just was having the hardest time. I still laugh when I think about how you talked me down from the 'routine' ledge I had myself planted on. You and I are so routine-orientated. Well, I remember you telling me about the bedtime routine you had Mike and I on. I was wearing myself out giving Stephen a bath every night, reading a book to him etc. You told me, "Bev, he's only a week and a half old. You don't have to have him on a routine yet." It seems like such a little thing, but I breathed a sigh of relief. I figured if the queen of routine told me to let it go, then it must be OK to let it go. I don't have to do everything perfectly and certainly not at this early stage. Now with this baby I won't have that. It scares me. WIll I have even worse PPD this time because you're not here. Who will take care of ME? No one is like your mom. OK. Your Son-in-Law just accidentally played the last two messages you left on our answering machine. I just heard your voice. Yes, I still have those messages on my machine. I also have them burned onto a CD as well. I know you regretted not remembering grandma's voice.
Well, I better go to bed, huh? I just want you to know that I AM okay. I just miss you all the time, but I am doing better than the first year. Till we meet again. I LOVE YOU, MOM.
Your daughter,
Beverly Boo
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Dear Mom,
I can't believe it has been two years since you've been gone. I still remember the day you died like it was yesterday. Monday, April 28th was a beautiful day. It was in the 60's and sunny. I remember the trees swaying in the breeze, and thinking just what a beautiful day it was; how it was one of the type of days you loved. It was neither too hot nor too cold, there was a nice breeze and NO BUGS YET! Dad called that morning to tell me they had to take you to the hospital the night before. He felt bad that you were at the hospital knowing how much you preferred being in your own bed. Unfortunately, Dr. O'Reilly was in Florida and you got the new cocky oncologist who really did a horrible job of managing your pain. I was with you a few hours before, and Dr. S. had you on a Dilaudid drip that contained A LOT less medicine than the morphine you were on previously. We put you under because we felt you were in too much pain. We thought the drip would be good; you would not be concious anymore and thus not feel any pain. You had told us you had enough, and when you told us that, we knew you had. The last words you and I spoke to one another were right before we changed you to the drip. I told you I loved you, and you were able to say clearly that you loved me too. I am SO glad that those were our last words to each other. At any rate, the drip was put in and you were soon in a sort-of drug induced coma; I know as a nurse you knew what we were doing. In fact, I believe you had your care all outlined, which we appreciated. The problem that occurred was Dr. S. gave you too low of a dose and you suffered through withdrawal. I cannot get over how cruel this was. You had to deal with the pain of cancer as well as the pain of drug withdrawal. I know Dr. S.'s fate is in the Lord's hands and I am trying to leave it to Him to deal with, but it's so hard. I saw you suffer, and like a parent with a child, I wanted to relieve any pain you were experiencing, so did Dad. We don't talk about this with Dad often; he is still too upset about it.
So Dad decided it was time to admit you to the hospital for some proper pain relief. The ambulance drivers, who were about 18-19 years old, treated you with little respect. Chris V., who worked for that ambulance company, told me at your wake that that is because you were a DNR. The ambulance company sends the least experienced workers to DNR's because they aern't going to have to resuscitate you. Basically, all they do is load and unload patients. Isn't that nice? Actually I am sickened to this day by their lack of regard for you and your pain.
I called Lee and she came over within the hour to watch Stephen. I stopped at the 7-11 to get Dad and I Super-Big Gulps because I felt this would be a long day for us and we could use the caffeine. None of us were sleeping much either. I headed to the hospital and don't remember too much. Mike arrived shortly after I did, and I remember thinking how it was just the four of us again. You appeared at peace, and finally out of pain. I didn't know exactly what to do at this point. Dad, Mike and I talked about Dad staying overnight, and I worried about not being there when you died. I did not want to get a phone call telling me you passed away; I wanted to be there.
Somewhere in the middle of this I decided I should call Jeff; I still don't know what pushed me in that direction. I didn't believe that you were going to die that day; I really didn't. So why did I feel so compelled to call Jeff and Pastor Blankman? Maybe it was you. I know you would have wanted Jeff by my side when you passed on. You knew he would make me feel better and take care of me. Even though it was busy season, Jeff left immediately. And he WAS there next to me when you died. Which leads me to the moments proceeding your death. Can you believe that the hospital was testing the fire alarms? We noticed your chest rise sharply. Then Mike, who I must admit was WAY more observant than the rest of us, said he didn't think you were breathing. Dad paged the nurse and she said your death was imminent. We all gathered around your bed, held onto you and told you it was OK for you to let go; we would be okay. And with that, you were gone. It was surreal, Mom. I have never seen someone die before. I was so glad we were all there with you, and that you did it your way.
Pastor Blankman arrived only minutes later, and was upset she missed your final moments. Route 83 was very busy that day; I know you can relate to that. Pastor Blankman was crying alongside of us; she felt a strong connection to you. Remember you were born on the same day and year as each other. She had grown close to you throughout your battle with breast cancer. I respect her so much; she was so good to all of us. Anyway, I felt so bad for her that I was trying to make her feel better. Julie and her mom came to the hospital and sat with us until we were ready to leave. Sarah just couldn't come. She was on her way and had to turn around. Dad took us to the room where you had your chemotherapy. I couldn't believe it was so small and so normal looking.
When we went to Dad's later that evening, I ran upstairs and took your past, present and future diamond ring that you left me. It hasn't been out of my sight since. I also wear you cross necklace every day; it helps me to feel like you're still with me. And in a way, I believe you are.
Oh, my gosh Mom, your wake was packed! People came from all over to pay their last respects. People I hadn't seen in ten or more years in some cases. We also received letters over the following months from friends sharing moments that they'll never forget. Your laugh was among the #1 things people say they remember about you. So your high school nickname of 'Giggles' still lives on.
I think about you every day. I see you in myself as I mother Stephen. I hear you whenever I try to make a hard decision. Hell, I hear you everytime I get upset about Jeff having to work late again. "Bev, it's his job. You do like to eat don't you? Don't give him any more problems about it. He doesn't like it anymore than you do." and so on. I have mellowed which is good. I just wish you could be here to see it! I wish you could be here to see Stevie grow up. Man is that kid a sweetie! You would've loved him; Dad is right. I wish we could go to lunch together, go shopping, grab a coffee in the mall and talk again. Christmas shopping just sucks now; it's a job not something I enjoy anymore. Hell, the holidays just aern't the same anymore. If I didn't have Stevie, I just wouldn't bother. Christmas is just a time where Jeff's family gets upset with us anyway. I know when Stevie is old enough to understand, it should get to be more fun. I think he will understand a lot more this year. I also am having a hard time coming to terms with the fact you will never get to meet this baby. With Stephen, I have pictures with you holding him, and I could call you for reasurrance during those early days when I just was having the hardest time. I still laugh when I think about how you talked me down from the 'routine' ledge I had myself planted on. You and I are so routine-orientated. Well, I remember you telling me about the bedtime routine you had Mike and I on. I was wearing myself out giving Stephen a bath every night, reading a book to him etc. You told me, "Bev, he's only a week and a half old. You don't have to have him on a routine yet." It seems like such a little thing, but I breathed a sigh of relief. I figured if the queen of routine told me to let it go, then it must be OK to let it go. I don't have to do everything perfectly and certainly not at this early stage. Now with this baby I won't have that. It scares me. WIll I have even worse PPD this time because you're not here. Who will take care of ME? No one is like your mom. OK. Your Son-in-Law just accidentally played the last two messages you left on our answering machine. I just heard your voice. Yes, I still have those messages on my machine. I also have them burned onto a CD as well. I know you regretted not remembering grandma's voice.
Well, I better go to bed, huh? I just want you to know that I AM okay. I just miss you all the time, but I am doing better than the first year. Till we meet again. I LOVE YOU, MOM.
Your daughter,
Beverly Boo
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My Eulogy to You From Your Funeral
I've thought a lot in the last few days about how to summarize the type of person my mother was. She was a daughter, sister, niece, aunt, friend, mother and grandmother. But she was much more than those titles encompass. You see my mother was one of those rare individuals who truly put others' needs in front of her own. If you needed to talk, she'd listen. If someone was ill, she was there to make sure they were receiving the best medical care possible. She was a caregiver, and enjoyed that role to the fullest. I know she took excellent care of my brother Mike and myself. Whether it was a skinned knee or hurt feelings she was there. My mother was a room mother and always went on field trips. She was careful, though, to make sure she evenly divided those tasks between my brother and I. My mother was a fun mother. She genuinely enjoyed spending time with us (except my teenage years. I just never knew when to close my mouth!) She actually looked forward to summer break as much as we did. My mother drew people to her. I remember my teenage friends wanting to come to my house and talk to her. I didn't understand it then, but I do now. They came because she truly listened to them. Unfortunately as a teacher, I see far too many kids who are looking for a person like my mom. I feel truly blessed that she was there for me, and she always was.
After my teenage years my mom became my best friend. We did everything together. We loved to shop. Yes, we were THOSE people who shopped the day after Thanksgiving. I was so proud of my mom when she made the decision to go back to college. We actually took a class at the same school, and would meet together during our break. My mom was a big proponent of education. She used to say that education is something no one can take away from you, and being a teacher I know she's right! She was so proud that she raised two children who became college graduates.
The older I became the closer I got to my mother. We talked all the time, and shared our views on many different topics. I realized what a highly intelligent woman she was.
My mother was also the strongest woman I know. AS I watched her battle cancer, I saw that strength again and again. My father and I recently discussed that we never heard her ask,"Lord, why me?" She just kept on living. She loved her grandchildren so much. Michael Walter, for his sensitivity and determination, Amanda Deborah, for her girly-girliness. She loved looking at American Girl catalogs with her. Megan Loretta for her good-natured way of making her smile. She loved my son Stephen, or Buddha-Boy as she called him. He's a big boy. She said he made her feel peaceful. She was a wonderful grandmother to them all.
My mother meant everything to my family and I . Her final words to me were,"I love you, too." Well, mom I love you more than you'll ever know. The Lord has a special angel now that you're with him, and those that you left behind are the people we are because of you. Your legacy is family, friends and love. I love you mom. May you rest in peace, and in no more pain.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Disappointment; It Ain't Gonna Happen After All
I won't go into the long, boring story of why my dad has decided to end his relationship with J., but instead just give you the nitty gritty. I mean that's the best part anyway, right? Well, I don't know.
I am so disappointed that my dad and J. are not only NOT going to get married, but they are also not going to see each other anymore. My dad decided that, and I feel he was total correct in his decision, but it is a disappointment for me. I really liked J., and I have a hard time getting close to people. It was so nice having another woman to talk to; I am one of the few women in my family. J. was not my mother, but she had several qualities that made me warm up to her almost immediately, which like I've said before, does not usually happen. I actually was happy when my dad would bring her over to our house, and I can honestly say that I never felt that way about any of his other companions. I use the word companion because girlfriend just sounds way too juvenile when talking about a 54 year-old man.
I am also a bit upset because my son was warming up to her as well. He would always run up to her and give her a hug; it was sweet. Now I know he's only 2 1/2, but I do not want him getting attached to people and then they just leave his life. I am going to watch out for this in the future. Steve does not remember my mother; he was only 6 months old when she died. It is confusing enough to him when I try to explain who the woman with grandpa is in all of those pictures. You just can't mess with kids. So I have decided Jeff and I will meet my dad's next companion without Steve. She will not meet my son until we believe she will be in it for the long haul. I hope my dad understands.
Okay, here goes as to why the relationship is over. J. decided she didn't want family to be involved in my dad and her lives. Yep. She did not want to see my brother's family or mine. Remember from an earlier post of mine, that my dad does not speak to his family AT ALL, so my brother and I are the only family my dad has. We are also very close. She seriously expected my father to not have a relationship with us anymore. She said it was that way with her deceased husband and her; it was just the two of them, which is a lie. One of her daughters still lives with her, and the other is over at her house often, as it should be. Plus, her parents and siblings all live in close proximity to one another. So basically when she said she doesn't want family involved in their relationship, she doesn't want MY family involved. And that just hurts. Don't get me wrong, I am plenty pissed off about it, but I am still in the hurt phase. Originally, she wanted my dad and her to move to Florida. Well, guess who would be going with and LIVING with them as well? Yes, her daughters. You know, as someone who had also recently experienced the lose of a loved one, I would think she would have been more compassionate about my family's need to be together. I thought she understood something that few people understand---losing a loved one at a young age. Still having nightmares about that loved one hooked up to all these tubes and suffering. I really didn't need this shit, and neither did my father. To top this all off, the timing is lowsy. The anniversary of my mother's death is Thursday. Well, at least I'm not on fertility drugs this year.
I am proud of my dad, however. He said his family is not negotiable. He will see his kids and grandkids; they are very important to him. I know this was not an easy decision for him to make. It is very hard being all alone, and my dad truly is all alone. Yes, my brother and I are always there for him, no questions asked, but I know it is not the same as having your wife with you. And I agree with him that at age 54 his wife should still be with him; 54 is young, too young to be a widower. My mom was 51 when she died, certainly WAY too young to die. As I've said before, my parents were high school sweethearts. Until my mom died, my dad had not been without my mom since he was 17 years-old. And things have really changed since 1968!
It just sucks! I feel like a little kid trying to figure out why someone doesn't 'like me.' I also now worry again about my dad. When he was with J., I knew he was enjoying himself and not alone. My dad's a loner like me. He was happy with his small family unit: my mom, brother's family and mine. Life was good. Why did it have to change? THAT I will never understand.
I am so disappointed that my dad and J. are not only NOT going to get married, but they are also not going to see each other anymore. My dad decided that, and I feel he was total correct in his decision, but it is a disappointment for me. I really liked J., and I have a hard time getting close to people. It was so nice having another woman to talk to; I am one of the few women in my family. J. was not my mother, but she had several qualities that made me warm up to her almost immediately, which like I've said before, does not usually happen. I actually was happy when my dad would bring her over to our house, and I can honestly say that I never felt that way about any of his other companions. I use the word companion because girlfriend just sounds way too juvenile when talking about a 54 year-old man.
I am also a bit upset because my son was warming up to her as well. He would always run up to her and give her a hug; it was sweet. Now I know he's only 2 1/2, but I do not want him getting attached to people and then they just leave his life. I am going to watch out for this in the future. Steve does not remember my mother; he was only 6 months old when she died. It is confusing enough to him when I try to explain who the woman with grandpa is in all of those pictures. You just can't mess with kids. So I have decided Jeff and I will meet my dad's next companion without Steve. She will not meet my son until we believe she will be in it for the long haul. I hope my dad understands.
Okay, here goes as to why the relationship is over. J. decided she didn't want family to be involved in my dad and her lives. Yep. She did not want to see my brother's family or mine. Remember from an earlier post of mine, that my dad does not speak to his family AT ALL, so my brother and I are the only family my dad has. We are also very close. She seriously expected my father to not have a relationship with us anymore. She said it was that way with her deceased husband and her; it was just the two of them, which is a lie. One of her daughters still lives with her, and the other is over at her house often, as it should be. Plus, her parents and siblings all live in close proximity to one another. So basically when she said she doesn't want family involved in their relationship, she doesn't want MY family involved. And that just hurts. Don't get me wrong, I am plenty pissed off about it, but I am still in the hurt phase. Originally, she wanted my dad and her to move to Florida. Well, guess who would be going with and LIVING with them as well? Yes, her daughters. You know, as someone who had also recently experienced the lose of a loved one, I would think she would have been more compassionate about my family's need to be together. I thought she understood something that few people understand---losing a loved one at a young age. Still having nightmares about that loved one hooked up to all these tubes and suffering. I really didn't need this shit, and neither did my father. To top this all off, the timing is lowsy. The anniversary of my mother's death is Thursday. Well, at least I'm not on fertility drugs this year.
I am proud of my dad, however. He said his family is not negotiable. He will see his kids and grandkids; they are very important to him. I know this was not an easy decision for him to make. It is very hard being all alone, and my dad truly is all alone. Yes, my brother and I are always there for him, no questions asked, but I know it is not the same as having your wife with you. And I agree with him that at age 54 his wife should still be with him; 54 is young, too young to be a widower. My mom was 51 when she died, certainly WAY too young to die. As I've said before, my parents were high school sweethearts. Until my mom died, my dad had not been without my mom since he was 17 years-old. And things have really changed since 1968!
It just sucks! I feel like a little kid trying to figure out why someone doesn't 'like me.' I also now worry again about my dad. When he was with J., I knew he was enjoying himself and not alone. My dad's a loner like me. He was happy with his small family unit: my mom, brother's family and mine. Life was good. Why did it have to change? THAT I will never understand.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
I'm Losing It
I feel like the worst mother ever. Steve wouldn't take a nap yesterday, which mean I didn't get a nap or even some downtime. Which means I had absolutely NO patience for any crap a two-year old may pull. I know you all are laughing right now, because you know two-year olds pull LOTS of crap during the day. I thought maybe it was my hormones that were making me have no patience for things that, frankly, I would have found funny a year ago, or maybe if I was able to get some sleep! Well, the consensus is that it is not just me. Jeff took total care of Steve today, love that man, and by the end of the day was looking and sounding pretty much like I did at the same time yestesrday. I just feel like I say 'No, don't do that' too often. That Steve must think I'm not at all fun anymore. I feel so guilty about not physically playing with him like I used to, instead saying, 'Bring it to mamma. We'll play with it on the couch' that I actually got on the floor to build towers with him like we used to. Well, the kid must have forgotten that WE used to do this together, because he brought the blocks over by me, and proceeded to play with them by himself---for all of 30 seconds. Then he ran away, and I couldn't get up, which he found annoyingly funny. I told myself to change my attitude. Maybe I am the one to blame for his foul moods lately. I mean how much fun is it really to live with a fat woman who resembles your mother, but who can be really crabby most of the time? And said woman keeps talking about a new baby, but he has yet to see any real evidence of it. I mean mamma must have lost her freakin' mind! And you know what? I think I have.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Steve and His New Big Boy Bed!
Yesterday Steve's bedroom furniture finally did come in. When I say 'finally', I mean it took 13 weeks! Originally I was told 8 weeks. So you can imagine how stressed out and pissed off I was getting. Last week the owner and I had a little 'heart to heart' talk about why it was so important that this furniture arrive soon. You know, the fact that I am due to give birth in less than a month! I am not a bitch, in fact I am usually too nice in situations like this, but I had had it. I was patient, understanding, and still no furniture. I told him that he needed to do whatever it took to get me this furniture as soon as possible. Imagine my surprise when not only the furniture arrived at the store yesterday, but when the owner and his father came to deliver and set it up in the EVENING when Jeff was actually home. I felt a bit guilty and told Jeff this. He said that they got their money, so screw them. (Well, in so many words. Jeff is the one who lives with me, and thus had to hear all about my displeasure over the situation as the weeks went by with no furniture.)
After the men left, we put Steve's bed together and tried to include him as much as possible. We totally played up the BBB. Steve was smiling, but you could tell he was a little confused. We went through the normal bedtime routine, and then put him in his bed. He insisted on holding his new 'Elmo and His New Bed' book, which was fine with us. When I went to check in on him a half hour later, he was sitting looking like he was actually reading the book. It was too cute! By the next time I checked on him, he was asleep.
I went to bed early, for me, since I believed he would definitely be up a few times before morning. Nope. I heard a cry at 4:30 AM; a scared cry. Jeff heard it a minute later and flew out of bed before my feet even touched the floor! Steve fell out, or got out, of bed and was scared. Poor baby must not have known where he was at! Jeff put him back in bed, I gave him his Elmo stuffed toy, and down he went. Of course, I couldn't fall asleep again. Frustrating! I figured Steve would probably be up at the crack of dawn!
He wasn't. I had my Bible Study class this morning, Steve goes to the nursery, and needed to be up by 8:15. Steve is usually my alarm clock, so this has rarely been a problem. Luckily, I woke up on my own, because Steve was still sleeping! I had to wake him up! Now when I went in there it was so dark; I bought room darkening pleated shades for his room a year ago. The nursery has wood blinds; we may be buying some room darkening shades for in there now! Whatever the reason, Steve did very well in the BBB. I think I had more problems with it than he did.
Fast forward to lunch. Steve has some allergies and the poor boy had a stuffy and runny nose. I gave him some allergy meds. as he ate lunch, and then put him to bed for his nap. He was so tired! Again, I figured there was no way he would take a nap in that bed. He did, but I think I didn't run into much resistance because he was so tired. As he took a nap, I took a nap. When I got up, I felt wonderful! I actually cooked a good meal too!
Now he is in bed again, and I feel like Kelly from the Woman Wonders when I say I think I jinxed myself by talking about how well last night went! I hope not.
After the men left, we put Steve's bed together and tried to include him as much as possible. We totally played up the BBB. Steve was smiling, but you could tell he was a little confused. We went through the normal bedtime routine, and then put him in his bed. He insisted on holding his new 'Elmo and His New Bed' book, which was fine with us. When I went to check in on him a half hour later, he was sitting looking like he was actually reading the book. It was too cute! By the next time I checked on him, he was asleep.
I went to bed early, for me, since I believed he would definitely be up a few times before morning. Nope. I heard a cry at 4:30 AM; a scared cry. Jeff heard it a minute later and flew out of bed before my feet even touched the floor! Steve fell out, or got out, of bed and was scared. Poor baby must not have known where he was at! Jeff put him back in bed, I gave him his Elmo stuffed toy, and down he went. Of course, I couldn't fall asleep again. Frustrating! I figured Steve would probably be up at the crack of dawn!
He wasn't. I had my Bible Study class this morning, Steve goes to the nursery, and needed to be up by 8:15. Steve is usually my alarm clock, so this has rarely been a problem. Luckily, I woke up on my own, because Steve was still sleeping! I had to wake him up! Now when I went in there it was so dark; I bought room darkening pleated shades for his room a year ago. The nursery has wood blinds; we may be buying some room darkening shades for in there now! Whatever the reason, Steve did very well in the BBB. I think I had more problems with it than he did.
Fast forward to lunch. Steve has some allergies and the poor boy had a stuffy and runny nose. I gave him some allergy meds. as he ate lunch, and then put him to bed for his nap. He was so tired! Again, I figured there was no way he would take a nap in that bed. He did, but I think I didn't run into much resistance because he was so tired. As he took a nap, I took a nap. When I got up, I felt wonderful! I actually cooked a good meal too!
Now he is in bed again, and I feel like Kelly from the Woman Wonders when I say I think I jinxed myself by talking about how well last night went! I hope not.
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