As I sit here on the eve of my youngest child's birth, I am trying to put into words what I am feeling right now. The truth is that I am feeling so many things from sheer joy and excitement, to downright fear. The fear part comes from my oldest son's decision to start acting like the terrible two's. Jeff said if he had shown us this side a year ago we may have reconsidered having another child. JUST KIDDING, STEVIE BOY!
I cannot believe that this time tomorrow I will be holding my second, and final, miracle baby boy. It just doesn't seem real. I mean it DOES feel like it is time for this pregnancy to end, but it just doesn't feel like tomorrow is the day.
Just 2 1/2 years ago I had my little boy Stephen. The little boy who helped me so much. He was/is my buddy. We do everything together. It seems surreal that we will have to share our bond with another little boy. I know I can love them equally, but can I give them each enough of my time? I guess time will tell.
Stephen is my sweet, sensitive boy. My little fair-skinned blondie. My sweet baby boy. My everything. The child who makes everyone smile. The one who hugs you when it is much-needed and you didn't even ask. The baby boy who gave me a purpose to my life when my mother died. The baby boy who I got out of bed for each morning. The only one who could make me laugh and smile. The one who gave me hope.
Ryan is my little boy who is due to make his entrance into this world tomorrow. The baby I thought I may never have. A sibling for Stephen. The culmination of our family. The baby my mom will never hold.
I am so happy that Steve will have a brother. I felt so much guilt when it looked like he was going to be an only child. I wanted him to have what I have with my brother. I felt if I didn't give him a sibling I would be short-changing him. I was afraid he may hate me for it, even though I was doing my best to give him one. I also didn't want him to be alone because of my family history of breast cancer. I felt if I did die early, I didn't want him to be alone in his grief. I wanted him to have a sibling to go through it with. Having my brother really helped , and still helps, me deal with my mom's loss. I didn't want everything to fall on Steve's shoulders. Jeff used to question who I wanted this baby for: Steve or us. I definitely want this child as much for us as I do for Steve. I am so glad that I got to experience pregnancy a second time. I have it 'out of my system' now; don't want to do it again! And I am so glad to get the chance to experience another newborn. Maybe this time I won't have PPD and will get to enjoy him to the fullest.
So my boys, I feel so incredibly lucky to be your mom. I hope you grow to love each other even though you may not always like each other. You will always have each other, which is a true gift, even though it may not always feel that way. Your father and I tried so hard to have you and feel blessed that you are in our lives.
My dearest Stephen, your world will be turned upside down for awhile, but don't ever think for a moment that we love you any less because we now have your brother too. We have had so many special moments together that I will never forget, and we will continue having those moments, I promise. I love you more than you will ever know.
Your mama
****I will be off-line until next week. I will let you all know how the birth went, and if my PPD returned. I also hope to be able to watch the season finale of 'Gilmore Girls' tomorrow, but since I probably won't be able to, will someone let me know what happens? I love that show!!! Thanks!
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