Right now both of my boys are sleeping, the babysitter's on her way, I am then going to get a pedicure, and I have a piece of flour-less chocolate cake with raspberry sauce awaiting to be eaten while I am watching "Gilmore Girls" and drinking a glass of wine. I need the pedicure to relieve stress, the chocolate cake as an incentive to come home and the glass of wine to tune out the stress. My source of stress is my beautiful 3-year old son. Let's just say we are running out of places where he can be successfully, and humanely, contained. Oh, in case you're wondering, the Listerine did not come completely out of the carpet. So we are going to steam-clean the carpet yet another time. And if my computer would start recognizing my camera so I could post pictures for you all to see, I would, but that is also a source of stress around here. Serenity now. Serenity now.
*As a sidenote here, today is my dad's birthday. He turned 55, and is not happy about it. 54 he said was fine, but 55, not so much. Middle fifties. The man seriously looks like he's in his 40's. And I feel like such a dud around him because the man has so much darn energy! (He must have ADHD. I swear that when he describes his childhood in school, it is evident to me that that was what he had. And now as an adult, he knows how to channel that energy positively.) He also is the most physically fit, muscular person I know. When it is warm here he cycles every day. Last summer, he rode 125 to raise money for MS. 75 miles there, and then 75 miles back. He's in tremendous shape! Yes, I am proud of him. No couch potato is he! I only hope that someday I can be half as physically fit and feel as good. Right now I am in pain from my exercise class last night. Jeez! I feel like I'm 80 or something!
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
'Mother's Little Helper'
I heard the following song the other day in the car, and although I have heard this song many times before, I never really listened to its words. As I did, I realized that even though this song was written in the 60's, it still holds true today.
Well, guys, today was a day where I really could have used my own 'mother's little helper'. S. decided to take J.'s entire bottle of Listerine, the largest size, and dump it all over his bathroom and the carpet in the family room. No drawer, floor, part of the toilet, or even the carpet that we just had professionally cleaned was spared. Then to make matters even more interesting in the eyes of a three-year, he rubbed poop on the rug that didn't make it into the potty, and THEN took lotion and rubbed it too into the carpet. BTW, blue Listerine stains. We are going to use our steamer when J. gets home tonight. I sure hope it comes out, because this carpet isn't even two years old. Oh, did I mention that it's beige? Yah. So here is my new 'anthem' of sorts. Not that I really DO have any 'Mother's Helpers', but I can relate to those who do. Oh, did you know it was common back then to give moms a prescription for Valium? Neither did I.
Mother's Little Helper
(Rolling Stones, Jagger/Richards)
What a drag it is getting old
"Kids are different today,"
I hear ev'ry mother say
Mother needs something today to calm her down
And though she's not really ill
There's a little yellow pill
She goes running for the shelter of a mother's little helper
And it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy day
"Things are different today,"
I hear ev'ry mother say
Cooking fresh food for a husband's just a drag
So she buys an instant cake and she burns her frozen steak
And goes running for the shelter of a mother's little helper
And two help her on her way, get her through her busy day
Doctor please, some more of these
Outside the door, she took four more
What a drag it is getting old
"Men just aren't the same today"
I hear ev'ry mother say
They just don't appreciate that you get tired
They're so hard to satisfy, You can tranquilize your mind
So go running for the shelter of a mother's little helper
And four help you through the night, help to minimize your plight
Doctor please, some more of these
Outside the door she took four more
What a drag it is getting old
"Life's just much too hard today,"
I hear ev'ry mother say
The pursuit of happiness just seems a bore
And if you take more of those, you will get an overdose
No more running for the shelter of a mother's little helper
They just helped you on your way, through your busy dying day
Saturday, January 28, 2006
It's Gone Daddy Gone, the Love Has Gone Away
I ovulated, so the feeling is gone. No sex since Monday. So we are officially back to being 'normal'. Oh, goody.
My friend who had triplets a year ago just told me that she is pregnant again. ON HER OWN, NOT TRYING AT ALL. They had their first child as well as the triplets with the help of IVF, so they did not think they ever would get pregnant without help. Now they are going to have FIVE children FOUR and under. Maybe that's another reason the feeling is gone. She is the second friend of mine this month to tell me she is pregnant on her own after doing IVF. Wow! I have been feeling my usual endo. pains, so I doubt that I'm pregnant, which is good. Everyone is scaring me lately telling me I'm going to get pregnant since I am not using birth control. I sincerely doubt it. However, upon hearing the above mentioned pregnancy, I am thinking that the big V better happen soon; J agrees. We'll see if that leads to action. Problem is that this is J.'s busy time of the year, so to take a Friday off for surgery will be hard to do. Not impossible, though. So the following are some reasons why getting pregnant again would not be a good idea.
I shouldn't get pregnant because:
1. I had severe PPD this time, which my psych. says would likely be even worse next time if I got pregnant again. That would surely mean a stay in the hospital and an even longer recovery. I'm not into feeling that bad ever again.
2. I am on anti-depressants that could cause birth defects.
3. Things are finally becoming more controllable around here. Tater tot is at a good age. I'm enjoying my boys right now. I don't think I could handle another child. I am already spent.
4. Kids are darn expensive!
5. I don't enjoy being pregnant anymore. I did the first time. I did not the second time. Been there, done that. Don't want to do it again.
6. Our house is too small for more kids. We are at capacity right now.
7. I am able to exercise, which has really been a blessing. Hurts like hell when I do it, but I feel great afterwards. I am an endorphin addict!
Reasons why being pregnant would be a good thing: I might have my little girl. That's all I can come up with.
J. and I are going out. The sitter will be here, and I will be having a glass, or two, of wine. Add that as another reason why I shouldn't get pregnant!
Better go now as I just heard J. say to S., "Get off your brother." Yah, two boys are enough.
BTW, the title of this entry is from an old Violent Femmes song, from the EIGHTIES. Yes, I am that old.
My friend who had triplets a year ago just told me that she is pregnant again. ON HER OWN, NOT TRYING AT ALL. They had their first child as well as the triplets with the help of IVF, so they did not think they ever would get pregnant without help. Now they are going to have FIVE children FOUR and under. Maybe that's another reason the feeling is gone. She is the second friend of mine this month to tell me she is pregnant on her own after doing IVF. Wow! I have been feeling my usual endo. pains, so I doubt that I'm pregnant, which is good. Everyone is scaring me lately telling me I'm going to get pregnant since I am not using birth control. I sincerely doubt it. However, upon hearing the above mentioned pregnancy, I am thinking that the big V better happen soon; J agrees. We'll see if that leads to action. Problem is that this is J.'s busy time of the year, so to take a Friday off for surgery will be hard to do. Not impossible, though. So the following are some reasons why getting pregnant again would not be a good idea.
I shouldn't get pregnant because:
1. I had severe PPD this time, which my psych. says would likely be even worse next time if I got pregnant again. That would surely mean a stay in the hospital and an even longer recovery. I'm not into feeling that bad ever again.
2. I am on anti-depressants that could cause birth defects.
3. Things are finally becoming more controllable around here. Tater tot is at a good age. I'm enjoying my boys right now. I don't think I could handle another child. I am already spent.
4. Kids are darn expensive!
5. I don't enjoy being pregnant anymore. I did the first time. I did not the second time. Been there, done that. Don't want to do it again.
6. Our house is too small for more kids. We are at capacity right now.
7. I am able to exercise, which has really been a blessing. Hurts like hell when I do it, but I feel great afterwards. I am an endorphin addict!
Reasons why being pregnant would be a good thing: I might have my little girl. That's all I can come up with.
J. and I are going out. The sitter will be here, and I will be having a glass, or two, of wine. Add that as another reason why I shouldn't get pregnant!
Better go now as I just heard J. say to S., "Get off your brother." Yah, two boys are enough.
BTW, the title of this entry is from an old Violent Femmes song, from the EIGHTIES. Yes, I am that old.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Say It Ain't So, Joe!
Today I spent 30 minutes talking to a director of the pre-school I believe I'll be sending S. to. Luckily, my friends mentioned to me that the time has come to start looking into pre-schools. Well, 'observing' pre-schools. To be honest with you I wish that I could just send my child to a pre-school that I inheritantly knew would be a great place for him to be. Plus, in this area there are so many choices. Sometimes I think there are too many choices in life. Like when my hubby and I registered for baby gifts. There were about 20 different strollers to choose from, and the only things that I knew a stroller of mine better have was a cup holder and a light frame because I would be lifting it and didn't want to throw my back out. Man, did J and I ever hate registering for baby gifts! Unfortunately, we, excuse me---I, am having to basically shop for a preschool for my first pride and joy. I did have a few requirements, but then when the director asked me if I had any further questions, I KNEW I SHOULD have some, but my mind went blank. Lucky for me, this woman was wonderful. She explained everything with such passion that you could tell she loves what she does. It sounds like a great program, and she invited me to stop by anytime to observe while the students are there WITH my son so he can see if he likes it there too. They also have an open house coming up on a WEEKEND! J. can go! I seriously don't think he cares; I'm going to say this is because he trusts me implicitly. I mean, I AM the educator of the family:) This is a church run, Christian-based preschool which is a plus for me. I also love this church and know people who have sent their kids to this program, so I am hoping I love the preschool too.
I just can't believe it's time for my son to go off to school, to start a new phase of his life WITHOUT ME. I knew this day would come, and yes at times it can't come soon enough. However, I remember when he was born and as I lay there in the hospital I said to my husband," Since he has an October birthday I get to have him for another year." I said this while in the midst of PPD and morphine. And I have always been glad about that. Now every time I look at him, I realize he is a boy and not a baby or even a toddler. I had Valentine's Day pictures of him and tater tot taken yesterday, and when you look at then S. just looks so old, so much like a boy. My son knows many letters, numbers up to 13+, colors and now shapes. In September, let's say I was getting a little concerned. Now I keep having to tell him to stop touching a print of ours that hangs in our family room. Why is he touching it? Because it says Kandinsky.... and he keeps pointing to the letters he knows. He does this on the television too. Yes, it is cute, but after awhile it's like enough already. S. is pee-trained. Such a good boy he rarely asks for a treat now. It's been a week since he's gone poops on the potty, however at least that I know is normal. So we are saving money on diapers and wipes, and moving forward to boyhood. Sniff, sniff....
I just can't believe it's time for my son to go off to school, to start a new phase of his life WITHOUT ME. I knew this day would come, and yes at times it can't come soon enough. However, I remember when he was born and as I lay there in the hospital I said to my husband," Since he has an October birthday I get to have him for another year." I said this while in the midst of PPD and morphine. And I have always been glad about that. Now every time I look at him, I realize he is a boy and not a baby or even a toddler. I had Valentine's Day pictures of him and tater tot taken yesterday, and when you look at then S. just looks so old, so much like a boy. My son knows many letters, numbers up to 13+, colors and now shapes. In September, let's say I was getting a little concerned. Now I keep having to tell him to stop touching a print of ours that hangs in our family room. Why is he touching it? Because it says Kandinsky.... and he keeps pointing to the letters he knows. He does this on the television too. Yes, it is cute, but after awhile it's like enough already. S. is pee-trained. Such a good boy he rarely asks for a treat now. It's been a week since he's gone poops on the potty, however at least that I know is normal. So we are saving money on diapers and wipes, and moving forward to boyhood. Sniff, sniff....
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
About Last Night
Yesterday was a no-go in the married sex arena. Poor hubby didn't get home until almost 8:00PM. I had my babysitter watch the kids while I held a 'Moms' Night Out' at a new winery/restaurant. I had a really good time, it appeared everyone else did too. The one thing that kind-of sucked though, was that I couldn't really drink the wine. I did have one glass of Chardonney which I 'nursed' for two hours. My brother's best friend was killed by a drunk driver, so I am really vigilant about making sure I never drive while under the influence. Usually, I don't drink anything at all; it's just not worth it. At any rate, I called hubby when I left, and he was a go. When I got home five minutes later, he had changed his position. I am happy to say, though, that he is in the car on his way home, which means he will be home by 6PM!!! YAH!!!! My older son is SO excited! He has been waking up in the morning saying,"I want my daddy. Where is my daddy? Is he at work again?" Breaks your heart. J. has been working so many hours that S. hardly sees him, and tater tot doesn't see him at all most nights. Only four more months of busy season......... Four more months....... At least I'm not pregnant this year!
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
'Do Me', The Married With Children Way
***Caution: contains sexually explicit material:)
The other day I heard that old Bel Biv Devoe song, 'Do Me'. You know the one with the lyrics that go something like this, "You can do me in the morning, you can do me in the night, you can do me when you want to do me" complete with all of the sounds of ecstasy that apparently is going on in somebody's bedroom. I remember I was in my senior year of high school when this song came out, and we all thought it was nasty, sexy , cool or something. Yah, this was before the rap that is being made today. Some of that stuff makes me blush or makes me ill. Anyway, that song stayed with me for days! For the past week it has been what we now refer to in this house as "Sex week". Ever since I stopped taking the pill, the week before I ovulate I am in the mood. This week I must have had some extra estrogen pumping away in me because I swear I felt like a teenager. Hubby almost couldn't keep up! Yah, you can guess how many times that has happened!!!
On Saturday we put the kids to bed, and had some time to ourselves. *** Okay, this is the point where if you are a relative of mine you want to stop reading! ***
So I turn to hubby and, can't believe I'm telling the world this but there is a point, upzip his pants. Hubby, apparently utterly surprised by this action, says in a happy voice,"What are you doing?" Now if he could have just stopped talking that would have been good. However, being that he is my husband and thus knows how much I like things to stay clean, he says, "We'll get the couch dirty." Okay, not the reaction I had prepared for, but he makes a good point. So I say,"Get on the floor." He says,"We just had the carpets cleaned." (I have threatened everyone to keep the damn carpet clean now that I paid to have it professionally cleaned-AGAIN.) I told him to grab a blanket, and we'd just wash it. Now aren't most guys thankful they are going to get that type of action? I know he enjoyed it, but I almost told him to screw it, I was done. It is kind of funny now, but then I was thinking what the hell? So I can definitely tell we are married. I mean if we were teenagers he'd just have been so happy to 'get some' that I'm betting that he wouldn't have said a thing, but I digress.
We have had sex four out of five days so far, with me initiating all but one time. TMI, I know. And yesterday I was so damned proud of myself. While my husband was bitching about how 'everything hurt' -he played basketball, I performed after I had exercised for an hour in my class. And my knees killed I tell you. Women are the stronger sex!!!
So we may be going for five out of six days tonight. I really do not know what is going on with me, and I am not going to ask! I am really enjoying myself, and I sleep great afterwards. I would recommend The book Confessions of a Naughty Mommy: How I found My Lost Libido by Heidi Raykeil. She really brought up some good points in her book. I don't know about any of you, but we are always tired so if we do have sex, it tends to be the same old, same old. Mixing things up has really helped. So have the hormones. Oh, have they ever!
The other day I heard that old Bel Biv Devoe song, 'Do Me'. You know the one with the lyrics that go something like this, "You can do me in the morning, you can do me in the night, you can do me when you want to do me" complete with all of the sounds of ecstasy that apparently is going on in somebody's bedroom. I remember I was in my senior year of high school when this song came out, and we all thought it was nasty, sexy , cool or something. Yah, this was before the rap that is being made today. Some of that stuff makes me blush or makes me ill. Anyway, that song stayed with me for days! For the past week it has been what we now refer to in this house as "Sex week". Ever since I stopped taking the pill, the week before I ovulate I am in the mood. This week I must have had some extra estrogen pumping away in me because I swear I felt like a teenager. Hubby almost couldn't keep up! Yah, you can guess how many times that has happened!!!
On Saturday we put the kids to bed, and had some time to ourselves. *** Okay, this is the point where if you are a relative of mine you want to stop reading! ***
So I turn to hubby and, can't believe I'm telling the world this but there is a point, upzip his pants. Hubby, apparently utterly surprised by this action, says in a happy voice,"What are you doing?" Now if he could have just stopped talking that would have been good. However, being that he is my husband and thus knows how much I like things to stay clean, he says, "We'll get the couch dirty." Okay, not the reaction I had prepared for, but he makes a good point. So I say,"Get on the floor." He says,"We just had the carpets cleaned." (I have threatened everyone to keep the damn carpet clean now that I paid to have it professionally cleaned-AGAIN.) I told him to grab a blanket, and we'd just wash it. Now aren't most guys thankful they are going to get that type of action? I know he enjoyed it, but I almost told him to screw it, I was done. It is kind of funny now, but then I was thinking what the hell? So I can definitely tell we are married. I mean if we were teenagers he'd just have been so happy to 'get some' that I'm betting that he wouldn't have said a thing, but I digress.
We have had sex four out of five days so far, with me initiating all but one time. TMI, I know. And yesterday I was so damned proud of myself. While my husband was bitching about how 'everything hurt' -he played basketball, I performed after I had exercised for an hour in my class. And my knees killed I tell you. Women are the stronger sex!!!
So we may be going for five out of six days tonight. I really do not know what is going on with me, and I am not going to ask! I am really enjoying myself, and I sleep great afterwards. I would recommend The book Confessions of a Naughty Mommy: How I found My Lost Libido by Heidi Raykeil. She really brought up some good points in her book. I don't know about any of you, but we are always tired so if we do have sex, it tends to be the same old, same old. Mixing things up has really helped. So have the hormones. Oh, have they ever!
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Poop Murals, Penis Adhesions, Oh the Fun!
Last week was a bad week. I was feeling down, had major PMS, so glad to be a woman. When I got S. up from his nap one of the days, there he was making a mural from poop. Oh, and he squashed it into the carpet. Good times here! He also had painted himself in poop, so I had to wash him, there was no other way. So I took him down to J.'s shower, and it was backed up, backed up I tell you! There was black stuff coming out of the drain--YUCK! When J. came home, he went downstairs to check things out, and guess what? Our entire basement flooded! What happened you want to know? Kandoo wipes, guys are evil! They backed up into our sump pump causing the ejector pump to stop working, which then leaves the water to spew up from all the drains. It was literally poop! It smelled so bad. It is gone now, thanks to our great neighbor, but we are now having to scrub everything with bleach. The basement is the boys' playroom. Thank goodness I chose to use waterproof mats instead of carpet down there! We lost several toys, but it could have been worse.
Then on Friday I take my tater tot to have his second flu shot. Yah, it wasn't that simple. Poor baby had an adhesion that was joining the top of his penis to the bottom. We had a different doctor in the practice this time. I am wondering why the other doctor didn't notice. Well, my poor tot had it removed. Right in the office. I felt so badly for him.
Saturday, we said had to be better. We were in the basement cleaning the floor when the electricity went out. No one knows why. If you have a terrific memory, you'll remember that I posted about our power going off last month. ComEd sucks!
This week has been slightly better. I do have a Jockey party after my therapy tonight. I really would rather go to bed and get some sleep, though. Tater tot gets up at 6:30AM. It makes for a very long day!
Then on Friday I take my tater tot to have his second flu shot. Yah, it wasn't that simple. Poor baby had an adhesion that was joining the top of his penis to the bottom. We had a different doctor in the practice this time. I am wondering why the other doctor didn't notice. Well, my poor tot had it removed. Right in the office. I felt so badly for him.
Saturday, we said had to be better. We were in the basement cleaning the floor when the electricity went out. No one knows why. If you have a terrific memory, you'll remember that I posted about our power going off last month. ComEd sucks!
This week has been slightly better. I do have a Jockey party after my therapy tonight. I really would rather go to bed and get some sleep, though. Tater tot gets up at 6:30AM. It makes for a very long day!
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
My Recent Trip To the (In)fertility Doctor
I decided that I needed to close the infertility chapter of my life. My son is now 7 months old, and I promised the clinic nurse when she called in MAY that I would bring tater tot in for everyone to see. It's now January. I felt like something was not officially 'closed' in my life, and I knew it was visiting Dr. S, will post pictures later, and showing him the second son he helped us have. The second miracle, blessing, in our lives. It was now or never. I also was inspired by this blogger's recent visit to the RE, http://tertiasoclose.typepad.com.
I live 40 minutes from my RE. I didn't remember just how long the trip was until today. With two children 3 and under in my can. As I neared the office, I got that familiar nervous feeling. I scoffed at myself and reminded myself that my two children have been born and are in my car. Just look at them, why are you worried??? I guess some habits die hard. Because I was ALWAYS worried while on the way to the RE's. The closer I got the more worried I became that something would go wrong.
I called yesterday to ask what the best time would be to come in since I didn't want to come in while patients were there. Even though first thing in the morning is best for my boys, I wanted to spare the patients still going through treatment. I had been there, and I will never forget it. The receptionist told me noon as that is the doctor's lunchtime. You see where this is going, right? Yes, I walk in and there are patients there, even a husband! Not a good sign, as there are rarely men at an RE's office, at least the ones I have been to, and that is three. I immediately felt terrible about it. I wanted to tell them all that I had called, that I was not some unsympathetic person who doesn't remember where she came from. I wanted to scream: I HAD TO DO IVF TO HAVE THIS BUNDLE OF JOY I AM HOLDING!!!! I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH. I REMEMBER, and I do. The IVF that ultimately resulted in R., now to be known as 'tater tot', almost was cancelled. And you can guess what happened that day, can't you? Yes, a happy couple who had their first child after IF treatment just walked in. The husband said to Dr. S., "It worked!" sarcastically as they toted in their bundle of joy for all to see. MF'er! He said this as Dr.S. was telling me if the amount of follicles didn't improve, then he was cancelling the cycle. This would be indicative of future cycles, so he would advise me not to try any further. He said this as I am watching their beautiful baby go by. I was mad; Dr. S. sent them into his office to wait, and I then went into my car to cry, and cry, and cry.... S. was truly going to be an only child after all; my worst fear. It all hinged on the next ultrasound. I was thinking about that when I walked in and saw those women, and man. I looked at the woman who drew my blood for 15 months, who used to entertain my son and call him her 'boyfriend, who clearly did NOT remember me ( I remember HER as the WORST blood-taker EVER), and asked her if I could sit in the back room where no one would have to see us. I was cursing in my head as this all went on. I mean I CALLED. I shouldn't have bothered.
Well, I saw my IVF nurse and asked her if she remembered me. She said of course. I'm sure she remembers me as the anal retentive woman who called about the schedule, who called when her meds. arrived to make sure I had the right everything, the one who had the other nurse call her when I was given the Follistim pen to use and then boxes of the original Follistim. I had been told I was going to use the new pen, and NOT the old way; syringes. They were very kind to give me the Follistim since I was paying CASH. My hubby's insurance doesn't pay a dime for anything fertility related. Ef-ers. Yes, I am type A, and I am SURE she remembered that. So be it. She was very nice, as was Dr. S's wife. Dr. S. was very busy, so we got a few pictures and were in and out in 10 minutes. 80 minutes in the car for a ten minute hello, mainly with people OTHER than Dr.S. Fine, whatever. His wife told me to keep bringing the boys back, but with that kind of drive, I know I'm not going to. I'll send pictures, but that's it. Plus, I don't ever want to relive that experience again. Being back there brought it all back to me. Yes, I always will remember how my children came to us, but somehow that memory faded with all the rigors of taking care of two active boys. Being in that waiting room, the same smell in the air. Looking at the chairs I sat in, the bathroom I went in, the blood draw chair, the bench I sat on while I waited for my turn with lovely ultrasound machine. The countless appointments, disappointments, hope, grief, dread, anticipation all came back to me. And I wanted to leave, I wanted to run and forget this ever happened to me. That I ever went through all of that. The guilt I felt for dragging my child S. to all of the countless appointments while I should have been nurturing him, engaging him, instead of wasting precious time in the car. The guilt over the belief that he may really be an only child, and he was going to hate me for it, I just knew it! My stupid body, why was this happening to me! Why me? Hadn't I Been through enough, damn it?! What else was I supposed to learn??? I wanted to run. Run away, and this time I realized I could. I had my two babies. No, I did not have the one boy-one girl family that I always thought I'd have, but I HAVE my two children. I could leave and know that my son has a brother. He has a sibling, which is all I ever truly wanted for him.
As we walked out the door, my son S. said to me, "I really like that doctor's office, mommy." I swear he said that. It was then that I realized he didn't remember ever being there. He didn't remember all the times I read to him in the waiting room to keep him quiet because I felt so guilty over bringing a child into an infertility clinic. The times I apologized to the other childless patients, telling them I was sorry but I had no one else to watch him. He doesn't remember me feeding him Gerber fruit snacks on his stroller's tray so I could have my ultrasound done. He doesn't remember how he used to get excited when the nurse turned out the lights, and the doctor turned on the bright light when the ultrasound began. He doesn't remember me having my blood drawn, and how he used to look at me quizzingly, obviously thinking what the hell was happening to mommy, but not being able to say those words. He doesn't remember the long rides in the car, or any of the people who worked there. He doesn't remember any of it.
After I put tater tot and him into their car seats, I breathed in deeply, thanked God for my miracles, and went to hug them again. And I thanked God that S. doesn't remember any of it. As I pulled into the McDonald's drive-thru, I noticed it. My older son had grabbed my baby's hand and held it. I had the camera out from the visit, and I was able to capture that moment on film. Thank you God for my boys. I looked at those hands interlocked, and saw the bond of brotherhood, something I never had foreseen. I had a brother, my mom had a brother, my dad a sister. I didn't know the bond brothers had. I just imagined them being physical with one another. But no, I saw the emotional bond. That bond forming at such a young age. Maybe my older son does remember some of it, just differently. Maybe he is thankful for his brother. Maybe some day he will thank God for his brother just like I thank God every day for the both of them. I sure hope so. To think four years ago I thought I may never have one baby, and now I have two. And they are boys, they are mine, they are beautiful. J. and my gifts, our miracles, our blessings. The linking of two brother's hands. How symbolic. May they always be linked. My they always love each other the way their father and I love them.
I was waiting for so long, for a miracle to come.
Everyone told me to be strong, Hold on and don't shed a tear.
Through the darkness and good times, I knew I'd make it through.
And the world thought I had it all, BUT I WAS WAITING FOR YOU.
'A New Day Has Come', Celine Dion
I waited a long time for you, my boys. And you know what? You were worth it; you were worth everything. I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone.
Love, Mama
I live 40 minutes from my RE. I didn't remember just how long the trip was until today. With two children 3 and under in my can. As I neared the office, I got that familiar nervous feeling. I scoffed at myself and reminded myself that my two children have been born and are in my car. Just look at them, why are you worried??? I guess some habits die hard. Because I was ALWAYS worried while on the way to the RE's. The closer I got the more worried I became that something would go wrong.
I called yesterday to ask what the best time would be to come in since I didn't want to come in while patients were there. Even though first thing in the morning is best for my boys, I wanted to spare the patients still going through treatment. I had been there, and I will never forget it. The receptionist told me noon as that is the doctor's lunchtime. You see where this is going, right? Yes, I walk in and there are patients there, even a husband! Not a good sign, as there are rarely men at an RE's office, at least the ones I have been to, and that is three. I immediately felt terrible about it. I wanted to tell them all that I had called, that I was not some unsympathetic person who doesn't remember where she came from. I wanted to scream: I HAD TO DO IVF TO HAVE THIS BUNDLE OF JOY I AM HOLDING!!!! I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH. I REMEMBER, and I do. The IVF that ultimately resulted in R., now to be known as 'tater tot', almost was cancelled. And you can guess what happened that day, can't you? Yes, a happy couple who had their first child after IF treatment just walked in. The husband said to Dr. S., "It worked!" sarcastically as they toted in their bundle of joy for all to see. MF'er! He said this as Dr.S. was telling me if the amount of follicles didn't improve, then he was cancelling the cycle. This would be indicative of future cycles, so he would advise me not to try any further. He said this as I am watching their beautiful baby go by. I was mad; Dr. S. sent them into his office to wait, and I then went into my car to cry, and cry, and cry.... S. was truly going to be an only child after all; my worst fear. It all hinged on the next ultrasound. I was thinking about that when I walked in and saw those women, and man. I looked at the woman who drew my blood for 15 months, who used to entertain my son and call him her 'boyfriend, who clearly did NOT remember me ( I remember HER as the WORST blood-taker EVER), and asked her if I could sit in the back room where no one would have to see us. I was cursing in my head as this all went on. I mean I CALLED. I shouldn't have bothered.
Well, I saw my IVF nurse and asked her if she remembered me. She said of course. I'm sure she remembers me as the anal retentive woman who called about the schedule, who called when her meds. arrived to make sure I had the right everything, the one who had the other nurse call her when I was given the Follistim pen to use and then boxes of the original Follistim. I had been told I was going to use the new pen, and NOT the old way; syringes. They were very kind to give me the Follistim since I was paying CASH. My hubby's insurance doesn't pay a dime for anything fertility related. Ef-ers. Yes, I am type A, and I am SURE she remembered that. So be it. She was very nice, as was Dr. S's wife. Dr. S. was very busy, so we got a few pictures and were in and out in 10 minutes. 80 minutes in the car for a ten minute hello, mainly with people OTHER than Dr.S. Fine, whatever. His wife told me to keep bringing the boys back, but with that kind of drive, I know I'm not going to. I'll send pictures, but that's it. Plus, I don't ever want to relive that experience again. Being back there brought it all back to me. Yes, I always will remember how my children came to us, but somehow that memory faded with all the rigors of taking care of two active boys. Being in that waiting room, the same smell in the air. Looking at the chairs I sat in, the bathroom I went in, the blood draw chair, the bench I sat on while I waited for my turn with lovely ultrasound machine. The countless appointments, disappointments, hope, grief, dread, anticipation all came back to me. And I wanted to leave, I wanted to run and forget this ever happened to me. That I ever went through all of that. The guilt I felt for dragging my child S. to all of the countless appointments while I should have been nurturing him, engaging him, instead of wasting precious time in the car. The guilt over the belief that he may really be an only child, and he was going to hate me for it, I just knew it! My stupid body, why was this happening to me! Why me? Hadn't I Been through enough, damn it?! What else was I supposed to learn??? I wanted to run. Run away, and this time I realized I could. I had my two babies. No, I did not have the one boy-one girl family that I always thought I'd have, but I HAVE my two children. I could leave and know that my son has a brother. He has a sibling, which is all I ever truly wanted for him.
As we walked out the door, my son S. said to me, "I really like that doctor's office, mommy." I swear he said that. It was then that I realized he didn't remember ever being there. He didn't remember all the times I read to him in the waiting room to keep him quiet because I felt so guilty over bringing a child into an infertility clinic. The times I apologized to the other childless patients, telling them I was sorry but I had no one else to watch him. He doesn't remember me feeding him Gerber fruit snacks on his stroller's tray so I could have my ultrasound done. He doesn't remember how he used to get excited when the nurse turned out the lights, and the doctor turned on the bright light when the ultrasound began. He doesn't remember me having my blood drawn, and how he used to look at me quizzingly, obviously thinking what the hell was happening to mommy, but not being able to say those words. He doesn't remember the long rides in the car, or any of the people who worked there. He doesn't remember any of it.
After I put tater tot and him into their car seats, I breathed in deeply, thanked God for my miracles, and went to hug them again. And I thanked God that S. doesn't remember any of it. As I pulled into the McDonald's drive-thru, I noticed it. My older son had grabbed my baby's hand and held it. I had the camera out from the visit, and I was able to capture that moment on film. Thank you God for my boys. I looked at those hands interlocked, and saw the bond of brotherhood, something I never had foreseen. I had a brother, my mom had a brother, my dad a sister. I didn't know the bond brothers had. I just imagined them being physical with one another. But no, I saw the emotional bond. That bond forming at such a young age. Maybe my older son does remember some of it, just differently. Maybe he is thankful for his brother. Maybe some day he will thank God for his brother just like I thank God every day for the both of them. I sure hope so. To think four years ago I thought I may never have one baby, and now I have two. And they are boys, they are mine, they are beautiful. J. and my gifts, our miracles, our blessings. The linking of two brother's hands. How symbolic. May they always be linked. My they always love each other the way their father and I love them.
I was waiting for so long, for a miracle to come.
Everyone told me to be strong, Hold on and don't shed a tear.
Through the darkness and good times, I knew I'd make it through.
And the world thought I had it all, BUT I WAS WAITING FOR YOU.
'A New Day Has Come', Celine Dion
I waited a long time for you, my boys. And you know what? You were worth it; you were worth everything. I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone.
Love, Mama
Monday, January 09, 2006
I Am Old...
that's all I have to say. (Exercise class was tonight, and I am in such BAD shape. Embarressing!)
Halfway There!
Good news! My older son did NOT, I repeat, did NOT pee in his pants at tumbling. Course, we spent a lot of time in the bathroom there, since they are so colorful and all, plus they have LIGHTS people, and lights are the coolest thing to my 3-year old only to be outdone by doors. I swear I was afraid to look in his direction for fear he would tell me he had to go potty again.... Picture me, 30-something-ish mom with hair up in a clip holding an almost 19 pound baby in her arms while trying to help the skinny-minny 3-year old pull his pants downs in time to get the pee in the potty, then wash his hands and dry them all the while trying to make sure the baby doesn't touch anything, because I am sure there are lots of gross germs just ripe for the pickin' in there. YUCK! And, I am a germophobic, I admit, but please if you are getting over a cold, do not tell me about it or let your germy child touch my baby. I'm just sayin' is all.
***BTW, I have lots of cute pictures of the boys, but can't seem to post them. Any ideas fellow blogger users????
***BTW, I have lots of cute pictures of the boys, but can't seem to post them. Any ideas fellow blogger users????
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Just Another Manic Monday!
Tomorrow is going to be busy. First, my younger son is NOT a night owl like his mama is, so I am up bright and early. Well, just early, because we are up before the sun is a shinin'! Yesterday, we watched the sun rise together. I actually enjoyed it. I had an hour of Mommy-R. time as I let S. sleep until 7:30AM, and I told hubby to sleep in. I rarely get much time alone with my little one, so I really enjoyed it. Plus, I got all the laundry washed, dried, folded, hung and put away. Oh, and I ate. All right, I will admit it, I had a lot of caffeine and my ADs which target some place in my brain that was making me have no energy prior to taking them. However, when naptime rolled around, I was ready to take one myself. Not only had I been up literally since the crack of dawn, but S. and I went to the vet. before lunchtime to get my furry baby's rabies shot. How come no matter what type of doctor I am going to see, there is always some mix up, and I am waiting WAY longer than I should be. The reason this time? One of the vets. apparently took my dog's file WITH him into a room. That's what they said. We were only in an exam room for 5 minutes, I kid you not! Total time at the vet.'s. One hour. Watching my son's face as he saw all the different types of dogs come through the door. Priceless. Plus, I got to talk to some adults, and dare I say this, S. was fantastic! The drawback to seeing all of those dogs is that my allergies kicked in big time. The rest of the day I was sniffy and sneezing. Another reason why I have a small dog--less hair and dander. It's a shame really, because I am a huge animal lover.
Where was I am? Oh, yah. My busy Monday. S's tumbling resumes after a long winter break. S. is no longer in diapers. We rarely have gone out in the last two weeks, because did I mention that S. is no longer in diapers?! Tomorrow we are going to do it, though. We are going to his hour long tumbling class. And I am bringing an extra pair of everything just in case. And I will be bringing my baby boy, 'tater tot', with as my sitter is starting student-teaching tomorrow. Damn her for wanting a career that doesn't involve my kids. She will be coming by later in the evening, though, as I, please don't laugh, begin my first ever exercise class ( I don't count college). It is a dance/workout class, which is even worse, don't you think?! But I have friends who have been taking this class, and since I know I would never actually exercise to a tape and will only do it if I am with other people, well, there you go. If it wasn't for peer pressure, I would likely never attend a class, so I'm hoping this 'positive' form of peer pressure will help me lost this last ten pounds that seems to be all in my stomach! Hopefully, it will also help with my depression. Evenings are not the best time of the day for me.
So, up early. Regular 'getting kids and me ready in the morning' stuff, tumbling, naps, dinner, sitter comes, exercise, and I will probably be home before J. who is playing basketball tomorrow which is why I have to hire a sitter in the first place. Why is it that the woman seems to be the one who has to find the sitter to do something she wants to do, but the husband can just 'check' to make sure it's okay with the wife before he attends something? A post that is soon to come: Being a Wife and Dealing with Guilt. It'll make more sense later, I promise.
Okay, important question. How many of you believe that my son will NOT pee in his pants during tumbling tomorrow?????? Any takers????
Where was I am? Oh, yah. My busy Monday. S's tumbling resumes after a long winter break. S. is no longer in diapers. We rarely have gone out in the last two weeks, because did I mention that S. is no longer in diapers?! Tomorrow we are going to do it, though. We are going to his hour long tumbling class. And I am bringing an extra pair of everything just in case. And I will be bringing my baby boy, 'tater tot', with as my sitter is starting student-teaching tomorrow. Damn her for wanting a career that doesn't involve my kids. She will be coming by later in the evening, though, as I, please don't laugh, begin my first ever exercise class ( I don't count college). It is a dance/workout class, which is even worse, don't you think?! But I have friends who have been taking this class, and since I know I would never actually exercise to a tape and will only do it if I am with other people, well, there you go. If it wasn't for peer pressure, I would likely never attend a class, so I'm hoping this 'positive' form of peer pressure will help me lost this last ten pounds that seems to be all in my stomach! Hopefully, it will also help with my depression. Evenings are not the best time of the day for me.
So, up early. Regular 'getting kids and me ready in the morning' stuff, tumbling, naps, dinner, sitter comes, exercise, and I will probably be home before J. who is playing basketball tomorrow which is why I have to hire a sitter in the first place. Why is it that the woman seems to be the one who has to find the sitter to do something she wants to do, but the husband can just 'check' to make sure it's okay with the wife before he attends something? A post that is soon to come: Being a Wife and Dealing with Guilt. It'll make more sense later, I promise.
Okay, important question. How many of you believe that my son will NOT pee in his pants during tumbling tomorrow?????? Any takers????
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
I Probably Am Going To Jinx Myself...
S. went on the potty FOUR times willingly. Prior to this week, he would have a major fit if you even mentioned the potty. Jeff took on the job of potty trainer while he was off last week, and let's just say things did not go well. Now that I have taken over this job, things are going very well. So of course, I feel like the superior parent right now, which I probably am not. However, my kids are my job, so I feel so PUMPED UP that things went so well in the potty department today! Yah, I need to get a life. It's #1 on my New Year's resolutions list. Hah!
Monday, January 02, 2006
Ch...Ch...Changes
My loving, wonderful husband is going back to work tomorrow after having been home with us for 10 days. I found I have gotten used to having him home, and I am not sure I'm ready to give him up! I guess I'll have to since the bills need to be payed and all.
Speaking of hubby's work, it seems this year's January to May busy season is going to be even busier than last year's. Not happy about that, but what can you do? J. and I have talked and have come up with some things to make the extra hours more bearable for us all. More on that in a minute.
I have decided that I need to do something more to help my mood. I have always been affected by the shorter days, longer nights, less sunshine, whole cold as hell time of the year. Some call it seasonal affective disorder, I guess everything has a name now, but whatever you call it, I just plain hate this time of the year. Fast forward to a conversation two friends were having about going to a dance class. At first I thought, of there is no way in hell I would ever do that, but then they described how it was a fun way to exercise. If I needed further encouragement, they also mentioned that the instructor had just had a baby. That made me feel better about my current body issue. To quote another blog writer , I am the shape of an olive right now. Small on the top, big in the middle, small on the bottom---not my ass though. That definitely got bigger this time. Anyway, I found out this class is offered on the only night my hubby does a little exercising of his own. Well, normally that would have been the end of it, but I asked my dream of a sitter who is starting student teaching next week, gats!, but since it's in the evening she can do it! So I will be officially starting my first EVER exercise class. IN FRONT OF PEOPLE! Now this may sound silly, but what do I WEAR?????
The other change that is occurring is that due to my husband's increased hours, I am going to have my sitter come by an extra evening too, during the witching hour. After the youngest is put to bed, she'll go home. So, I will be there with my kids, but she'll help me with feeding them, occupying them while I make dinner or the host of other things I have to do. My sitter's cousin may be able to help out too. My now sitter can do two nights, but I used to also have her come when I took S. to tumbling and then she stayed while I did errands etc. by myself. Now that she's student teaching, that's no longer an option for her. I asked her if she knew of anyone, and her cousin may be interested. She would be able to do that then, plus another day. My hubby has actually totally supported this idea. Basically, I would have someone come for 3 hours a day, 2 days a week, then one four hour day/evening. So we'll see. I have my usual sitter already for 5-6 of those hours. So we'll see what happens. I can work with only that much help if I can find no one else; I'm happy that I will have some help this year. Last year when I was pregnant and hubby was never home, he told me to call his mother if I needed help. Course, she was in Florida for four months, so even if I wanted the help THAT badly, she wouldn't have even been here.
So there you go, exercise and asking for help are my two main changes this year. I feel the exercise will help my mood as well as my health, hopefully my body. Plus, I'll be with adults which is always nice.
Oh, my hubby took on the main role as potty trainer this week. It is STILL not going well, and now it's my turn to take over the reins. Any suggestions, please help!!!! BTW, we had a virus attack our computer, so I haven't even been able to read anyone's blog, let alone post. I have got so much catching up to do! I figure I also need to write about our Christmas. Lots to do! Can't wait to get back into our routine. I love routine, I NEED routine!!!!!! Hope you're all doing well.
Speaking of hubby's work, it seems this year's January to May busy season is going to be even busier than last year's. Not happy about that, but what can you do? J. and I have talked and have come up with some things to make the extra hours more bearable for us all. More on that in a minute.
I have decided that I need to do something more to help my mood. I have always been affected by the shorter days, longer nights, less sunshine, whole cold as hell time of the year. Some call it seasonal affective disorder, I guess everything has a name now, but whatever you call it, I just plain hate this time of the year. Fast forward to a conversation two friends were having about going to a dance class. At first I thought, of there is no way in hell I would ever do that, but then they described how it was a fun way to exercise. If I needed further encouragement, they also mentioned that the instructor had just had a baby. That made me feel better about my current body issue. To quote another blog writer , I am the shape of an olive right now. Small on the top, big in the middle, small on the bottom---not my ass though. That definitely got bigger this time. Anyway, I found out this class is offered on the only night my hubby does a little exercising of his own. Well, normally that would have been the end of it, but I asked my dream of a sitter who is starting student teaching next week, gats!, but since it's in the evening she can do it! So I will be officially starting my first EVER exercise class. IN FRONT OF PEOPLE! Now this may sound silly, but what do I WEAR?????
The other change that is occurring is that due to my husband's increased hours, I am going to have my sitter come by an extra evening too, during the witching hour. After the youngest is put to bed, she'll go home. So, I will be there with my kids, but she'll help me with feeding them, occupying them while I make dinner or the host of other things I have to do. My sitter's cousin may be able to help out too. My now sitter can do two nights, but I used to also have her come when I took S. to tumbling and then she stayed while I did errands etc. by myself. Now that she's student teaching, that's no longer an option for her. I asked her if she knew of anyone, and her cousin may be interested. She would be able to do that then, plus another day. My hubby has actually totally supported this idea. Basically, I would have someone come for 3 hours a day, 2 days a week, then one four hour day/evening. So we'll see. I have my usual sitter already for 5-6 of those hours. So we'll see what happens. I can work with only that much help if I can find no one else; I'm happy that I will have some help this year. Last year when I was pregnant and hubby was never home, he told me to call his mother if I needed help. Course, she was in Florida for four months, so even if I wanted the help THAT badly, she wouldn't have even been here.
So there you go, exercise and asking for help are my two main changes this year. I feel the exercise will help my mood as well as my health, hopefully my body. Plus, I'll be with adults which is always nice.
Oh, my hubby took on the main role as potty trainer this week. It is STILL not going well, and now it's my turn to take over the reins. Any suggestions, please help!!!! BTW, we had a virus attack our computer, so I haven't even been able to read anyone's blog, let alone post. I have got so much catching up to do! I figure I also need to write about our Christmas. Lots to do! Can't wait to get back into our routine. I love routine, I NEED routine!!!!!! Hope you're all doing well.
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