The Mommy Wars: Fact or Fiction?

This morning I had the television on, and the woman--can't remember her name, who wrote the book 'The Mommy Wars' was on Good Morning America. Now first off, I do not like the inflammatory nature of her title. I could tell this was going to be a woman who felt she knew what was best for women. Let's just say that after the interview I determined my initial reaction was dead on.

This woman said that children whose mothers stay home receive no benefit from it. Huh? Come again? That's like saying that working mothers' children grow up to be career criminals; it's simply not true. No benefit. She said that NO RESEARCH has shown a benefit, and we all know how research shows all the truths. She never did cite the source, but I would bet if one shelled out the money for her book one might find out the source. Now before I go any further here, I would like to tell you that I am the daughter of a working mother, and I believe I turned out pretty well. Mom and I were very close, and to be honest I was very proud of my mother. It was more common to stay at home in her day, but she initially chose to work. My mother did stay home for the first three years of my life, and then she worked part-time because 'she needed to be with some adults', even though she loved us very much. So, please note that I am not anti-working mother just because I chose to stay home.
This woman also said that stay-at-home mothers were unfulfilled, and that what we do are repetitious tasks, the same things over and over. Okay, yes on some days I feel unfulfilled. I have been honest about that. And yes, I do perform the same tasks such as diaper changing over and over. That's life. There were also some repetitious tasks that I had to perform when I taught school. Were those tasks more meaningful because I got paid to do them? Not to me. I wanted to ask this woman a question after she made that statement. If I am not home to take care of my children, then someone else is doing those tasks. Are they happier, is their job of taking care of my children, more meaningful, more fulfilling because they get paid?

The scene then changed to an interview of two SAHMs and one working mom. The initial question was already seemingly meant to pit the SAHMs against the working mom and vice-versa. The question? To the SAHM, "What do you think she, working mom, is missing out on?" Kudos to the SAHM who did not care to answer that question. The SAHMs did mention that pre-school and kindergarten teachers whom they spoke to can always tell the children who attend daycare. As a teacher, sometimes I could, and sometimes I couldn't. The working mom and research say that eventually that advantage of moms being home levels off. Okay. Then the working mom talks about the kids she sees whose moms stay at home. She talks about how 'clingy' they are, and how they have huge separation anxiety. Well, this SAHM's children have never had separation anxiety. It's to the point where my older son says good-bye to me as I leave. I actually am a little hurt that he and tater tot have never seemed to care when I've left. My brother and SIL both worked when their oldest was born. He had HUGE separation anxiety. My brother stayed at home with child #2. She had HUGE separation anxiety. So I think it's an individual thing.

The thing that bothers me the most about the supposed 'mommy wars' is that women like this, in my opinion, are creating them. And I truly feel people who are judgemental are not comfortable completely in their own choice, and they attack someone else's as a result to prove they are doing the right thing. I see this all the time with the whole breast vs. bottle debate. I'm not going to go there tonight, though.

I never had intended on staying home. In college I remember saying "Why would anyone go to college only to turn around and stay home? What a waste!" (My husband would also say to me that we were still paying my student loans and I wasn't even working! I think he was kidding.) I also would tell my mom all the time,"It's quality time, not quantity." I believe that sometimes that is true, but sometimes my sons just like to know I'm in the same room as them. I also frequently would say,"A happy mommy is a good mommy." That one I still believe. Funny how things change once I actually had a child, huh?

I do plan on going back to work. This woman says I can basically never make up for lost time. That I'll suffer from lower pay, etc. I am a teacher. If I take five years off, I'll work an extra five years to earn my full pension, assuming the state of Illinois does not borrow from teachers' pensions anymore. I hate to disillusion this woman. I will not suffer a huge loss of pay, because that would assume that I made a decent salary to begin with, and I didn't! Plus, teachers' salaries have a cap on them. I can only make so much, and then that's it, no matter if I do a fabulous job or not.

I am so tired of people pitting women against women. I don't see men doing this to women, and I certainly have never seen another man argue about another man's decision to return to work.

I believe staying at home was the right decision for my family. You make the decision for yours, and I promise not to talk about you behind your back. Deal?