Out of Nowhere...

in the middle of the day, I start feeling depressed. The ironic part about this is that I had just told me therapist last night that I felt great. That I actually had very little PMS this month, as compared to the last two months, and things were good despite not being able to swallow( I am feeling much better and can swallow now!) Then smack! I miss my mom. I actually was shedding a few tears, and instead of going into the other room like I normally do so that S. won't see me cry, I told him I was sad. That it was okay to be sad sometimes. I told him that mommy misses her mommy. Then he said to me,"You be okay mommy, while patting my back and giving me a hug, you see her tomorrow?" He looked at me like he was asking a question. I told him, "No, S. Mommy's mommy is up in heaven with God, so I can't see her tomorrow and that's why I'm sad." I showed him pictures of my mom, so he might understand a bit, you know, that I am sad because I miss a person. I told him that when my mommy left this earth he was the one who could always make me smile; that he's a special boy, and he is. Then I realized the guilt I felt over that. That he would have this huge burden of knowing someday that only he could make me smile. I then remembered worrying about him being an only child and losing us, and how he'd have no one to go through that with.

It was just a tough day. Some days I feel like a two-year old when I say this, but,"I just want my mommy."