Being a Motherless Daughter...

The fourth of July was always a holiday celebrated in a big fashion with my mom's side of the family. Well, the ones who still lived in Chicago. We would always go to one of mom's cousins' with our dish to pass in hand. There was always so much to do. Swimming, horse-shoes, beanbag throwing, volleyball, you name it. I remember my mom being so excited to go; she loved her family. She loved getting together. My mother would beam every time she would talk with her aunts, uncles and cousins. She looked like a kid again; she just enjoyed herself so much. My mom had an idyllic childhood, and all of her family lived close-by. They all loved each other so much, and it showed whenever they were together. My mom's family is fun-crazy. They always made me smile. I tear up when I remember those days.

This year marks the fourth Fourth of July party that she wasn't here for. Surprisingly, it was the hardest one for me. My brother wasn't able to make it, nor did my father go. It was just hubby, the boys and I. We were late, but the Tot had to nap OR ELSE. I just felt like the odd man out. I don't know how to describe it. Everyone else's kids were there, adult kids, and I was there with no mother, no father, no brother. My mom wasn't there with her laughter filling the air. No seven-layer salad to eat, which was her specialty. No one plays volleyball any longer. Horse shoes were not out by the garage. The pool was open, but having my period, I didn't feel like going in. Plus, being in the pool means I have a child with me. So then there's getting swim diapers on and suits and sunscreen. I just wasn't up for it, which I feel badly about because I know the boys would have liked it. As it was, the Tot screamed almost non-stop for two hours. I did get to talk to my grandmother's brother, which I do enjoy. I love listening to stories about our family's past. My uncle also looks a lot like my much-loved grandmother. He's the last sibling left.

I felt like one of the cousins was mad at me. I began to feel like I wasn't one of the family. There is an element that has come into the family. The cousin I was the closest to has taken on drinking too much. His father has become an alcoholic, and it saddens me because he was such a good man. His mother, my mom's cousin, seems worried about things. A few members of the family call another few members 'good old boys', and that is not meant in a good way. People think hubby and I have so much. We are blessed, but we are blessed with a middle-class life not a wealthy lifestyle, believe me. A few of us have degrees, but most don't. We live in the suburbs; they live in the country. We are white-collar; most are blue-collar. I don't care about all of that, but I get the feeling others have an opinion about it. I feel like I am so different from everyone. Things change, I know. I just don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. I feel like I'm losing my mother, little by little. This was one of her favorite days; a way to relive her childhood. She's gone, my great-aunt is gone, my grandmother is gone. Where am I? Where do I fit in? Every November I have an annual cousins' party. My mom and I started it back when her cancer came back. Family, and keeping it together, was very important to her. I promised her I would do my best to keep us all together. I really enjoy those cousins' parties in November. I want to be close to my family too. Why do I feel so alone, and what can I do about it? Does anyone else feel this way? Being a motherless daughter just sucks; this I know for sure.