The Good Mother

One thing that I learned early on, is that motherhood is fraught with guilt. Guilt for letting my baby cry too long, not feeding him the 'best' foods, things that every mother has gone through. Last week, I felt guilty about not spending enough time with my oldest son in particular. I worried about him spending too much time with the babysitter and not enough with his mommy. Do you want to know how many hours a week my babysitter averages at our house? 8-10 hours per week. I always get up with the boys, get them breakfast, clothes on, etc. before she even arrives. And what do I do with my time? I go to the gym because the Tot will not go to the Kids' area while I exercise; he will, however, stay with the babysitter. Then I run errands, grab lunch and go home. I also schedule any doctor's appointments for myself during this time. Last week I also took S. to his preschool physical while I had the sitter watch the Tot. S. and I even had lunch together at the place of his choice; I had surprised him with a shot and felt, you guessed it, guilty.

So on Thursday, I decided S. and I needed some 'quality time' together. While the Tot napped in the morning, I took S. out with his fingerpaints and special fingerpainting paper. He seemed to really enjoy it, and the older he gets, the more detailed his pictures become. Anyway, it was a breezy, no windy, day which meant that the paper kept blowing on me. I looked like a fingerpainting picture by the time he was through with both of his pictures. It was not good. Makes me glad that we have a six foot wooden fence up, so that neither one of my neighbors could see me. One good thing about painting outside is the clean up. Since it was warm, I simply got the hose out. It was wonderful!

That helped my guilt for maybe a day. But every time S. acts out, I wonder what I am doing wrong. Is he upset with me for not playing with him enough. Truthfully, I get bored often when playing with him. I feel so guilty for even saying that. Am I not being patient enough? Is the Tot getting shortchanged? How can I spread myself evenly between the two?

I often think I need to not have a babysitter at all. I should spend every moment with them. That's my job. But, to tell you the truth, having the babysitter has saved my sanity. It has made me happier to have a few hours to myself. Hubby and I are able to go out about once a month. I can't ask my dad because he has been so busy lately, and my brother has three of his own kids. To be honest, I think I would be very happy having a part-time job. Something that is just mine. Don't get me wrong, I love my children so much words can't adequately describe it. I do long for some me time, though. I have been home for almost 4 years now, and I am getting antsy. I could never see myself with a lot of kids. That's just not me. I like to have some control. Many working moms I know tell me how lucky I am that I can stay home. It kind of reminds me of when people would say that I was lucky that I could do IVF. We are fortunate, I get that. I just feel guilty for not feeling that being a mom is enough, especially after all we have done to have these children. Yah, I feel this way and upon seeing an infant baby girl at church yesterday I thought to myself, 'I want one of those.' Crazy!