Sometimes It's Better To Move On

Last Friday, I went to an event hosted by one of my mom's group friends. Most of the group was there, and I learned something. I was right. One of my MOPS* friends describes people in your life as being part of one of two groups. (Excuse my run-on sentences tonight). She calls this the 'elevator'. She says some people bring you up and some bring you down. You need to have people in your life who bring you up. This group brings me down. Now I am not telling you these people aren't nice. They are. I'm also not going to tell you 'it's all me', because it's not. I have always sensed a feeling of competitiveness within the group. Is it merely a coincidence that all but two of us had babies within a month or two of each other??? If you guessed that I, infertile mertile, was one of the two who did NOT have a baby at that time, then you would be right. And the thing that pissed me off about that time when it seemed someone was always announcing a new pregnancy, was that everyone knew I was trying, unsuccessfully, to have a baby. Yet virtually every conversation centered around their pregnancies. Morning sickness, aches and pains, and how awful they looked. Yah, all at a time when I would have given my left arm, or my husband's left nut, just to be pregnant. And NO ONE worried about miscarriages. I mean why would you? Getting pregnant was easy, why wouldn't staying pregnant be just as easy??? Part of myself has held onto the belief that if they were really my friends they would have asked how I was doing. Or discussed their pregnancies for a few minutes, and then gone onto something else. I certainly did not expect anyone to stop talking about pregnancies or babies in front of me, but have a little sympathy. The other part of me says that I should have let them know how uncomfortable it was all making me. I mean if you've never gone through infertility or pregnancy loss, maybe you wouldn't understand how talking about your pregnancy might affect someone who has. I don't know. All I know is that I followed the advice of the other mom who was dealing with infertility, and took some time off from the group. Upon my return, people commented on how long it had been since they had seen me, and what had I been up to??? HUH? Did you ever think of picking up the phone and asking me? I felt like the loser again. Can't get pregnant, and no one cares about you. Oh, and my mom had officially been dead a year now, so it was so, like time to 'get over it'. Yah.

When I did get pregnant, I wandered in and and out of the group as my schedule allowed. I sought out other groups and activities. And I learned as we all had our second, and now third, kids things just changed. There are now 15 kids in the original group. The last playdate I had, about 18 months ago, my basement couldn't fit everyone. You know, things change.

Which brings me back to last Friday. I had a good time talking and eating good food, however, I don't fit in. I just don't. There is nothing wrong with any of us, we are all just different people. My one friend, who doesn't attend any of the group's functions anymore said, "Formerteacher, you have to understand that they all used to be in a sorority. That isn't bad, it just explains a few things. They are all pretty, they all were/are successful in their careers, and they all have money. Their lives are just different." I liken hanging with the group to hanging with the 'cool kids'. The women are married to doctors and lawyers, businessmen etc. They all live in very nice, expensive houses. And, upon leaving last Friday, one left in the BMW I used to covet prior to having the kidlets. The new style. I found myself wanting things again instead of being happy where I am in my life, which is how I had been feeling. I am just so over trying to compete in a game I never will win. One mom just had another baby girl, another is pregnant for a third time and hoping for a girl this time. Her comment from a few years ago still rings in my ears, "I want to fill every room in my house with kids.' And she probably will, and she'll probably have that girl. I started to feel a little envious. That's when I knew....staying in this group isn't healthy for me anymore. I have to remember what one of the moms said to me that very night about my husband, "Hubby is one of the nicest guys and a great dad. I still remember last year at D.'s birthday party when all of the other dads went outside, J. was the only one in the playroom watching the kids." And you know what? She's right. I have an amazing family. Two beautiful, heathy little boys, a cute, yet tough little dog, and the best husband I could have ever hoped for. God sure blessed me with a lot. Now I need to allow myself to enjoy it all.