Post-Holiday Blahs

For as long as I can remember, after all the excitement and the preparation for Christmas comes the letdown. All the frantic searches for the perfect gift, decorating the house and then wrapping, wrapping and more wrapping, have come to an end. It seems like the world is at a standstill. Many people take off for the holidays, school is on break as well as all of the other extra-curricular activities that I enjoy so much. I am, and have always been, a lover of routine. I love having things on my calendar to do, where there are people that I am going to see. I am a people person. I need to be around people. Now I am also reserved, and tend to take some time to warm up to new situations, but deep down I need to be around people. This time of the year lends itself to that for some, but for me, it doesn't.

I have a very small family. My mom and I would go out together during this time of the year. She worked four days a week, two which were on the weekend, so we looked forward to getting together. We both would talk about how we couldn't wait for all the Christmas stuff to go away, and for the world to resume a little normalcy. We couldn't wait for the warm weather to come back again. Well, now that she is gone, I feel very alone at this time of the year. And I have time, so much time, to think.

For most of the year, I keep myself pretty busy. This past year has been the best one for me. Recently, I met a woman who is not only infertile like me as well as a teacher now staying at home, but also lost her mom young. Believe me when I say it is such a blessing that I met her. I have also met a lot of other great people. It's been wonderful! But during these two weeks of the holidays, everyone is either with family or their husbands have taken off of work. Hubby had to work part of each week; regular hours to boot. And the Tot takes a long afternoon nap, which is great, but leaves S. and me for a lot of hours with nothing all that interesting to do. At this time of the year, it is so cold and dreary here, and the afternoons are long. I know I have always dealt with that whole seasonal affective disorder thing. I need sun! Anyway, I have been thinking so much about my mom lately, which has really made me feel lonely. I wonder what the point to everything is. I mean I do the same old, same old things. What is the purpose to my life? What am I doing that is important? I even said to Hubby that I am a boring old housewife! No one wants to look at me, I'm in my 30's now. What interesting thing do I have to add to a conversation??? Diaper rash, how to get stains out of clothes, or a particularly riveting discussion of sibling rivalry? I bet your chomping at the bit to talk to me now! I actually had a dream in which I was teaching school again. I felt so alive, and like I had a purpose. It felt so real. Then I had to remind myself that I quit that job 4 years ago. For good reasons too.

I just need a reason to get out of bed again. Something to get my juices flowing. When everything starts up again, I know I will feel better. It's just I remember last year and how awful the winter was. Winter is hard. The upshot is that we don't have scorpions and black widow spiders and such because they can't survive the cold. (I'm NOT a bug person!) The downside is, I barely can either. I made it through the holidays this year, AND enjoyed myself. I really thought everything afterwards would be good too. Now I have another week with a son that has tons of energy, with tons of people at my gym who are going to attempt to exercise as their New Year's resolution, and a lot of time and not much to do with it. Pray that I'll get through it. Depression is a bitch.