Days Like These

This week the weather has been nice. It seems like spring has come to the midwest and we are all very happy about it. The beginning of the week was particularly balmy, and the sun was shining brightly. The kids and I couldn't wait to go outside and enjoy ourselves. It's days like these when I look back and reflect on all that I have. In five years I have everything that I have ever dreamed of, within reason. I remember the heartbreak I felt when I realized that having children was not going to be easy for us. There were many times I thought that maybe we weren't going to have any. That thought devastated me. Since I was a little girl, I had always dreamed about having a family. I couldn't believe that maybe that wasn't going to happen for me after all. I didn't understand why we weren't getting pregnant. My husband was going to be the best dad, I knew it! (And he is. Oh how he is!) I knew I'd make a good mom. (I think I am.) It just seemed so unfair. I felt so alone. Betrayed by my own body. Wondering why God didn't want us to have children. Being so angry at him, at everything and everyone.

And just six years later, I not only have one healthy child, but two. Two little blondies. Two beautiful boys who, although they frustrate me at times, couldn't make me any happier than I already am. I am able to be home with them and see them grow each day. It's true that I long to be at work some days, but I know I would have missed so much. Too much. Days like these. Days when the breezes blow warm air in our faces. When the laughter is loud, and the mood is light. Days when my boys give me unsolicitated hugs and kisses. Days when they actually want me to play with them. Days when my husband pulls in the driveway and the kids shout,"Daddy's home!", and we all go inside and talk about our day over dinner. Then it's back outside to play and talk with the neighbors. Days like these are the days we'll never forget.

Below are some pictures I've been meaning to post, but haven't. Below the picture, I've included what it's about.

The Tot sitting still in his chair. Note the burpcloth in his hand. It is his 'blankie'. He takes it everywhere!

Can you tell, based on what he's wearing, that I am having a tough time letting go of the Tot's babyhood???

Brotherly love!

My little baker. S. LOVES to bake! He's really good at mixing the batter, so I let him pull up a chair and stir.

S. loves to pretend he's reading. He now reads to his brother who doesn't know the difference.

And the newest addition to our home...S.'s Morning Routine Chart. He needed a little 'help' getting ready quicker. Yah, I borrowed the idea of a chart from the Supernanny. So far, so good.

Can You Say We Have a Newborn in the House?

The poor Tot doesn't merely have his usual cold-induced asthma. Oh no, not my son. When we do something in this family, we do it all the way. Otherwise what's the point, right? Well, the poor Tot spent Wednesday alternately between coughing and crying, so I took the little one to the doctor. He is now on three different medications, and is being treated for atypical pneumonia. Nice, eh? I feel so badly for that child. I really do. However, part of his treatment includes having a nebulizer treatment every four hours. EVEN DURING THE NIGHT. I must confess here. I forgot just how truly awful broken sleep is. And how even having a decent night sleep doesn't make up for multiple nights of inadequate slumber. Now I remember a key reason why I don't do well with infants: no sleep! That and the postpartum depression, but I believe that lack of sleep has something to do with that as well. It really does feel like we have a newborn in the house again. I thank God every day for my wonderful husband, because I do not do well with no sleep, a clingy and heavy toddler, and a preschooler who's pissed off because it has rained like every damn day this week and he just wants to go outside to play already!

Out of the Mouth of Babes

Yesterday as I was sitting with S., he said to me,"Mommy, we have whores at preschool." Obviously I thought I had heard him wrong. Many times he says new words to me, and I just can't understand what he's saying. Therefore, I repeated,"They have whores at preschool....???" S. repeated as well, "Yes, whores." I'm thinking to myself that this cannot be right. What else starts with an H and sounds like whores? Then it finally dawned on me. "You mean horses, S.?" He looked at me like 'yes, you asshole. Of course horses. What do you think, we're running a brothel over there at Christian preschool. What he actually said to me was,"Yes mommy. Horses." And that was that. So glad that I'm sending my son to a school that doesn't contain a brothel in it. Imagine the questions he's be asking!

***Update on the whole endo. crap---Still spotting and it's like day 8 or 9, but no pain, so I'm not about to look a gifthorse in the mouth. I had pain for three days and it sucked! Hubby is working 11-12 hour days, the Tot is sick with the whole asthma thing to boot, and S. is bored with me already. To make matters worse it is thunderstorming here as I type. Adding that to the other stuff, I also have a Shih-Tzu on my lap shaking. What a baby she is. At least she doesn't talk. Anyway, I think I'm going to have to look into finding another doctor. I so don't want to. It's been a week, and I have called no one. I was really enjoying not having to show my nether parts to doctors and nurses. I was enjoying being 'normal' a lot.

Frustrated

Just a few short hours after my last post, I got my period. So that makes my cycle this month the longest I've ever had. Oh, and the most painful period that I have had since before the Tot was conceived. Prior to conceiving the Tot, I thought that my periods were getting more and more painful because of all the hormonal fertility medications I was taking. Even my RE said that the fertility meds. were likely causing the endometriosis to grow faster, thus more pain. For the past 21 months, I have had pain around my periods but nothing like before. Yah, until yesterday. I do remember just how painful my endometriosis was, but somehow after not suffering from it in the past 2 years I seemed to have forgotten how debilitatating it can be. These last 21 months, Ibroprofen pretty much would take care of the pain. Only one 200mg tablet would do the trick. Yesterday I took a much higher dose which did me no good. Actually, it gave me a stomachache.

I finally gave Hubby a call around 3:30PM. He left work an hour later to help me. Luckily the Tot took an awesome nap, and S. has been very empathetic. He kept asking me, "Mommy, are you feeling better? Are you all right?" Such a sweetie! Hubby even took the boys to church by himself last night for Christian Fellowship Night. S. looks forward to it, and now that he knows his days of the week, he knows his class with his buddies is on Wednesday. Hubby even went to our parenting class by himself. What a guy! When they all got home, S. came up to my side of the bed, climbed up, gave me a kiss, and asked how I was. I tell you, that little boy is going to make a great husband some day!

This morning I did feel better. I am still feeling some pain, but it's more managable. Damn this endometriosis. Now I think I better make an appointment to see my gynecologist, and then ask for a doctor he would recommend to treat my endo. Not that there's a lot of options. However, now that I'm not trying to have babies, my fertility doctor isn't the right doctor to see about this anymore. Besides, the surgery he performed back in February of 04' did nothing to lessen the pain, so what's the point? I need to see a doctor who specializes in endo. Lovely. I am very frustrated. I am also scared. I've been through this before, and I know that there aren't a lot options. My own mother had a hystectomy at 29 yearsof age because of this dreadful disease. I do not want to do that, although that is what my RE told me I'd probably have to do. I do not want any more surgeries; I want to avoid them at all costs. I do not want to take the Lupron injection because of its side effects--see this blog to find out why--, I tried accupuncture, I've taken the birth control pill continuously so I have no period, but nothing offers me relief. Well, the birth control pills helped take some of the pain away, but the side effects from taking them were not good. No sex drive, and off and on breakthrough bleeding with pain just doesn't seem to make it worth taking. Plus, I still have my mom's voice in my head telling me, "Promise me you'll never take the pill." She feels all the years she was on the pill may have contributed to her breast cancer. My head knows that the pill she was taking had a much higher dose of hormones in it, but my heart wonders if maybe she's right. I don't know. All I do know is I don't want to be in pain anymore. I like to go, go, go and not being able to do that really bothers me. I don't want my boys to have to worry about me and how I'm feeling. I want to be a good mom and a good wife. I want to feel normal.

It's a Good Thing He Got a Vasectomy

I have been waiting for my period. I have always been a right as rain kind-of gal. Every 28-29 days, depending on whether I ovulated on day 13 or 14, it would come. The only time I ever had a 30 day cycle was when I was on Clomid. Obviously I am not taking Clomid. The thing is this is cycle day 32, I had to check, and I am still waiting. This is the second time this has happened in the last 6 months. So now I'm worried. Is my body entering perimenopause, whatever that whole phase involves? Or am I going into premature menopause? I mean, how do you even know something like that? I'm only 34; I'm not ready for my body to start changing. I thought I'd finally figured it out. I also am sure that I ovulated. I had it pegged on day 16. After going through all the infertility stuff..the charting, temperature taking, etc. etc..., I am really good at knowing what's going on with my body. Hubby had the old snippity, do-dah, as we refer to it here, back in July. Therefore, knowing again from the infertility, that sperm recycle themselves every 3 months and it's been eight, it is mathematically impossible for me to be pregnant. (No, he never did go to have it 'checked' out, but I figure if 38 million sperm couldn't get me pregnant, I doubt that 2 could!) Although, Hubby and I have been joking about how freaked out we'd be if he hadn't! What do you guys think??? Has anyone else had perfect cycles and then suddenly they went a little wacky. Please, do tell.

New Car, New Purse, Good Ass Jeans and a Good Birthday

Yesterday Hubby and I went to pick up our new Honda Accord. The only option Hubby didn't get was the navigation system. My favorite piece of equipment is the XM Satellite Radio package that came with the car. It's free for three months, which is the only reason we have it. I must say, though, I love it! Music with no commercials as well as a bundle of stations, who knew? I do have a problem with change. Trading in our old car was very hard for me. It was my first new car. Yes, I had two other cars before, but both were used. Let's just say that teaching doesn't pay much. When I got married, Hubby and I saved enough for me to get a new car. I was so proud of that car, and I kept it so clean. After three years it went to Hubby as S. was born and a minivan was purchased. That car reminds me of teaching at a better school district, and generally of life before the kids. When I was pretty much the only one who drove such car. It was mine. It was clean. I know I keep focusing on the clean. That is because it seems that with two kids in the van every day, it isn't as easy to keep it clean, which bugs me. So anyway, Hubby is happy to have his new car, as am I. Now I no longer have to 'talk' about it everyday.

Picture#1---my old 99' Honda Accord. She was a good car, and I'll miss her! (I sound like a guy when I refer to a car in female terms, don't I?

Picture#2---our new 07' Honda Accord in their 'new' Carbon Bronze color. I included it because you can see the color better than in picture #3.

Onto the purse. Two weeks ago, Hubby's company took his department out to a 'thank you' dinner for all of their hard work completing a deal. Hubby worked a lot of hours on it, so I thought it was really nice that they were doing this. Well, Hubby came home from this dinner with two $500 Amex gift certificates. He gave one to me. He said I was instrumental in this deal as well since I was the one who was with the boys so he could spend all the extra time at work. He thanked me, and said he couldn't have done it without me. What a guy! I was given instructions to buy something frivilous with it; before he said that I had seriously asked if they could be applied to car payments. Yep, I am practical. Anyway, yesterday we went to the mall with the more expensive stores. I ended up buying a Coach purse. It was indeed a frivilous purchase as I am sure I will never spend that kind of money on a purse again! Now I'm not sure I like it. What do you think??? Click to see the detailing.I also bought a pair of Seven for all Mankind jeans. When I had first heard about them, I thought that was way too damn much money to spend on a pair of jeans. Then I tried them on to get them out of my head. Like many women, I have a hard time finding jeans, I am short, and I have had a baby. I also am sick of showing 'crack' when I sit down. Well, they looked fabulous, and I coverted them for nearly three months. I finally bought them, and had to have them hemmed, but they look awesome! Even Hubby says my ass looks good in those pants. I think of them as equivilant to Guess jeans in the 80's. Yah, they are overpriced, but they do look good. And this time, I didn't have to babysit for a week just to buy them!

After we shopped, Hubby and I went to have dinner at The Weber Grill. We were having a nice time, but began to wonder what happened to our food. It had been nearly an hour, and we were getting hungry. Turns out our ticket had been misplaced. The manager came over to our table and told us that our entire dinner was free. So I ordered another glass of wine and dessert. I was very impressed with how well they treated us. They truly seemed to want us to be happy enough to come back. And we were. The dinner may have taken us two hours to get through, but without the kids and then a free dinner, yah I didn't mind waiting for our steaks! You can see a little of my jeans in this picture. I didn't think anyone would be interested in looking at my ass. Believe it or not, this is the best picture we have of me blowing out the candles! Excuse the mess in the background.Today we went to dinner with my dad and his wife. We all had a good time, and the boys were excellent. Well, The Tot was whiny until I asked for some crackers for him. Man, that kid loves food! Today was my actual birthday, and it was a very nice one. The weather was warm, and I spent it with my boys. Every gift was wrapped in pink paper, and the gift itself had pink somewhere on it. Why? Because I am the only girl in a house of boys, my oldest informed me. Yes, pink definitely is not plentiful in this house! I can't ask for any more than I have. I am so blessed to have a wonderful husband, kids and family. I only wish my mom was here to see it, but in a way, I bet she was.

Brotherly Love?

The other night, S. got ready for bed as he always does. He likes to get completely nude while he brushes his teeth. Yah, he took me a little too seriously when I told him not to get any toothpaste on his clothes. Anyway, the Tot came into the bathroom with us. I saw S. quickly move to one side and then the other. Apparently, the Tot likes to grab things that belong to his brother. Yes, he tries to grab that. The Tot is fascinated by his brother's male parts. I mean he's always been interested in his own, but now he's taken it to the next level. S. handle it beautifully. No yelling, no hitting, just getting out of the way. I told Hubby about this, and he tells me that our youngest has been getting a little handsy with him too. Ah...yet another thing they don't tell you about in parenting books.

***BTW, I was able to get my driver's license with my married name. They kept my marriage certificate which I am not too happy about, but at least I can legally drive! Now I need to go to the social security office and legally change my name. After that, it's time to get a passport. No, I'm not going anywhere, but since Hubby travels out of the country, I'd feel better having one.

Not Very Smart

Today I went to renew my driver's license. After waiting, I presented all the information requested, and was promptly turned down. Why? The state of Illinois now is connected to the social security administration's website, so when they entered my social security number it didn't match up with the name that I have on my current driver's license. Nope, I never legally changed my name, however my married name is on everything as in my current driver's license, credit cards, mortage, etc.... Nearly nine years ago I simply brought in my marriage license and they asked how I would like my name to read on my license. End of story. It's been nine years and two driver's licenses later, and suddenly now it's a problem! I've been told I could either change my name at the social security office, I will not be able to get an appointment in time, or I could yet again bring in my marriage license. Which I have already done. Nine flippin' years ago! I know I should have changed my name already, yes I know that, but why all of a sudden is the state of Illinois changing its rules, and why weren't they connected to the social security admin. back in 1998? I mean there were computers available way back then! Tomorrow I will be back at the DMV with my marriage license, and I can only pray they accept it. I can't even imagine not having a driver's license and having two kids.