Better

As the week begins to settle in, and we begin our weekly routine, my anger and sadness are slowly disappearing. I've had to remind myself that I cannot control what other people do, no matter how thoughtless and petty, but I can control how I respond to them. I don't ever think that I will say that I'm glad I never had a girl, but I will, and do, say that I am glad that I had boys. Really. The thing is that I can't imagine not having one of them. No matter how hard I try, I can't imagine one of them not being here. If I hadn't have experienced infertility or PPD, I had said that I might try for a girl. The stipulation was that I had to have had good pregnancies. Even before the experience of infertility, I wasn't sure it would be worth it to go through another pregnancy merely to 'try' for a girl, or a boy. I was raised in a two-child household and that is what feels normal to me. But with having to go through IVF, the hormones of which make my endometriosis grow at a faster rate equaling more pain, well I just don't want to. And after having experienced the hell that is PPD, well, I don't want to do that again either. I have given myself over 100 shots; my husband is a pro at giving PIO shots. We didn't enjoy it. Was it worth it? Well, yes, of course. However, my goal was to have two children, and I do. I can't go back. Infertility was too painful. It still lurks there in the back of my mind whenever I dare to feel 'normal'.

I'm choosing to see my SILs pregnancy as her blessing. I have mine. As much as I hated infertility, it did teach me to think more about other people, to emphathesize, to be a better listener. It also brought my husband and I closer together. We believe we are better parents because of all that we have been through together. I know he's got my best interests in mind; he's got my back so to speak. And I have his. My therapist recently told me that couples who have gone through situations like ours tend to be closer than those who don't. Makes sense to me. So my husband and I were given our challenges for a reason. I may not like it, it may make me want to throw something and scream, but it isn't/wasn't for nothing. I am a better person than I was before infertility, PPD and loss. So my SIL is being given twin girls for a reason too. I have questioned myself whether I would want what she has ; if given in exactly the same way. I would have to say no. I adore my husband and my boys. I am happy with my life. I wouldn't want hers just so I could have twin girls. You all know how scared I was about having twins.

Unfortunately, my ILs have proven once again why we have to keep them out of our lives. With all the time that had passed, I began to forget exactly how they were. How awful it was to have them in our lives. How they seemed to be the only thing that caused us any grief. They can say it was all us until they are blue in the face. It just doesn't matter anymore. When you make a scene in God's house, at the grandson that you say you care so much about, christening. Well, the bottom line is you don't. When you make a scene in front of our house, in front of all of our neighbors demanding to see 'your grandchildren', it's not about being there for them anymore. It's about you. It's about control. It's not about love. So I've decided that people who delight in others' pain aren't worth my time. My ILs aren't worth any of my time. Never were. They have a sad life. Happy people don't act that way. Period. Now I am going to go play with my boys. I may not be able to dress them in pink, but they sure are a lot of fun!