Delayed

When our IVF with the Tot was successful, we were elated. Then the RE gave us my HCG level. It was 479. Twins are in the 150 range for that particular day. He said to me,"I know what you're thinking. Twins, right?". I said,"Yes, I am. My numbers have never been that high this early." He said, "Me too. It may be twins. Come in again in two days and we'll see how it's progressing." Two days come, I give blood, and get a phone call back declaring my numbers 'very high', and that I could come in for an ultrasound that Friday.

When Hubby and I were called back to the room, the ultrasound tech. said to us, "We're going to see how many today." Huh? HOW MANY? "Like two, right?", we said. She just smiled. The doctor enters and says to us,"The embryologist and I have been wringing our hands over this one. Your numbers are very high." Like triplets high; we had three embryos tranferred. He then says,"You are too small to carry triplets. Well, let's take a look." I told him that I only felt there was one, Hubby guessed two. The doctor merely hoped we were right.

One of us was. Hubby, of course. Oh, but it can't be simple for us. It can't be that everything looks good. Oh, no. The twins were measuring a few days apart. My doctor wasn't worried. He said that sometimes twins implant on different days. He gave Twin B a 50% chance of making it. Twin A looked good. He told us in a week we'd know more.

A week later, things looked the same. No better, no worse. So much for answers. This time we had to wait two more weeks to find out. We went home with pictures of the babies, and promptly put them on the fridge. Now I wish I could tell you that I was all happy about having twins, but I wasn't. I was so happy to be pregnant, and yes I did know the risk of multiples associated with IVF, but I was also scared. Scared because I had already had one child, and knew just how hard it is to raise one infant let alone two. I was worried about the extra risks of a twin pregnancy. I was very concerned about the increased rate of postpartum in moms of multiples. Adding in my increased risk since I had developed PPD following the birth of my first child. Well, I was sure I was going to go nuts! Hubby told me not to worry, his mom would help. As if that little piece of information was going to help! I told him that she is a woman in her 60's with arthritis, you can't expect her to be able to help that much. If I would have known I was going to develop full-blown PPD the likes of which I never even experienced the last time following Tot's birth, maybe I wouldn't have worried so much! Anyway, it was a long two weeks.

Finally, the appointment came. We immediately saw two heartbeats. I thought that meant all was good. I even said,"Now we're never going to know, or we won't know until they're born." I was smiling, and felt so happy because I thought that heartbeat meant that we were going to be having two little babies. That's not what happened. My doctor explained that Twin B was still measuring far behind what it should be. He told us that if Twin B did survive that it would have major problems and that selective reduction should be made available to us. I asked myself,"Did he just say I should abort that baby?" Now I am most definitely pro-choice. Don't even get me started on the whole ruling situation last week. Anyway, I couldn't imagine aborting this baby that we had tried so hard to conceive. I worried about losing the other baby if we did 'selective reduce' this pregnancy. The best possible outcome was for me to miscarry on my own. My doctor officially released me to my OB that day, and of course I couldn't get an appointment with him for another two weeks. Is it any wonder why I went crazy after the birth of my children?

Two weeks later, we had our appointment. Our OB even did an ultrasound in the office that day. He couldn't conclusively determine anything. Luckily, the high-risk group who does 4-D ultrasounds could see me right then, and they were within walking distance. The news? The heartbeat had ceased. Twin B had died. I was 10 weeks pregnant when I finally learned that I would not be a twin mama after all. Too much drama.

You all know the rest of the story. I gave birth to the Tot in May of 2005. He weighed a respectable 8 pounds, 7 ounces, and measured 19 1/2 inches. In comparison, his brother weighed 8 pounds, 10 ounces and measured 22 inches. A little advice ladies who have not given birth yet: don't believe your doctors. Mine told me I was having 7 pound babies. They were way off.

In the weeks and months following the Tot's birth, I had been happy with the result of not having twins. I couldn't imagine it! It was so hard having two kids to take care of. I couldn't imagine three! Now, though, I have been thinking a lot about the twin we lost. I think about the three playing together. It just feels like something is missing, at times. Yesterday, I opened up the envelope where I keep all of the ultrasounds from that pregnancy. I looked at the petri dish where our embryos grew. I looked at all of the ultrasound pictures. I looked at the first picture of the twins with the letters 'A' and 'B' beside each one. I looked at the babies both inside my uterus. Then I looked at that ultrasound picture were you could tell that Twin B wasn't going to make it. I could see the huge difference in size, and that they were two weeks apart. So sad.

I guess I'll always wonder what could have been. Maybe even what should have been. I'll always have a little anger at all that we went through. But then I look at my little boys. My two little miracle babies. Sure, I lost two babies, but I also gave birth to two babies. And for that, I'll always be grateful.