Guilt, Guilt, Guilt

Poor little Tot had another asthma attack. This one is believed to have been brought on by allergies. So now he's on Singular to combat the allergies. It comes in a little pouch, and you mix the granules into food. I feel like I'm tricking the damn dogs into eating their flea meds.!

I don't know if anyone else struggles with when to call the doctor, but I do. Last night Tot was coughing repeatedly after we put him in his crib. For those who aren't familar with asthma, night coughing is a common sign. A little cough here and there is no big deal, but if it continues, it is. Well, for a bit after Hubster put him down, he was quiet. Actually, he was quiet until I finally started falling asleep. I have been having my own troubles sleeping lately. I know Hubby heard him, and I was trying to will him into getting up to check on Tot. Now, if I asked him if he heard the Tot then he would have told me to get up with him, and as I said, I was finally falling asleep. I felt like such a bad mother for feeling like I just didn't want to get up. The Tot did stop coughing, and I must have fallen asleep.

Today he was coughing on and off in the morning. I was going to go to the gym since I haven't been there in almost two weeks. That is not like me, but we were so busy last week with all of S.'s preschool activities. I debated about whether to go or not because they would have to go to the Kids' Area, which they both love, but still. Was it the right decision to make? Would it make his asthma worse? I decided that the activities he would be doing, mainly pushing cars around, would be the same ones he does at home, so it shouldn't make any difference. When I brought him in, I told the women about his asthma and how I had just given him an Albuterol treatment. I worried about him the whole time I exercised. Now I know that I needed to exercise since I haven't been feeling up to par in the old mood area as well as the physical area, but I continued to feel so guilty. I wondered if I just put my own needs in front of my son's. I continued to feel like a bad mother. I always put myself last. I know the analogy about how if there are problems on an airplane they tell the parent to put the oxygen mask on first, because if we don't we won't be able to help our children, but I have a hard time executing that plan. I didn't used to as much, but now I so do.

Well, as you probably already guessed, Tot's asthma did not get any better. Oh, no. It was worse, which of course did not help my guilt at all. Now I really don't think that being at the gym made it worse; I don't, but I still felt guilty. Then I wondered if I should call the doctor. I didn't want to unnecessarily call the doctor, as we all know what a pain in the ass it is being in a doctor's waiting room, and I also didn't want the Tot to pick up some virus there. Also, S. had his tumbling class which he looks forward to all week. I didn't want to disappoint him for nothing. I did decide to call the doctor when Tot couldn't even nap. They couldn't get me in until after S.'s tumbling, so that all worked out. And you know the outcome.

I just feel so bad for that little boy. I never had asthma, Hubby never had asthma. And as far as both of us know, no one in our families have had asthma either. Allergies, oh yes! Asthma, no. So I wonder what I could have done wrong that caused him to develop asthma. Do I not dust enough? Is it his bedding? Do I need to have the air vents cleaned out? (Oh, I'm gonna!) Does something in the carpeting bother him? Should I install hardwood floors in his room at least? Is it something that I took while I was pregnant? The list goes on, because I cannot figure this asthma thing out, and I want to fix this so badly for him. Hearing your child coughing so hard and often that he has problems breathing is so scary. A kid should not have to deal with this. I need to make this go away for him. But I can't seem to. I don't know what more to do for him. What is the right thing to do?