Too Close To Home (No Pun Intended)

Remember how I went to San Diego two months ago? Yah. My grandfather is close to the fires. He said they have had to keep their windows and doors closed due to all of the smoke. The mall that is close by to him is now serving as an evacuation center. My uncle, on the other hand, lives in the Los Angeles area with his family. Just a few short miles from the fires. There have been fires around my family's homes before, but this time I am very concerned. As in calling in the morning and at night just to make sure everyone is okay. Please say a prayer for my family as well as the thousands of others that have either lost their homes, or may if the fire switches directions. It makes me wonder if the house I used to live in is there anymore.
***The picture in the right-hand side of my blog was taken in the San Diego area in August. It is the most beautiful place. Hubby and I have talked about moving there, but not anymore. Too scary.

Good News???

Yesterday my therapist called and told me the woman whom she had contacted re: the adoption finally called back. She had been out of town on business. Anyway, she gave us her number, but told us some things about the bio-mother that really worry me. Apparently, she has stopped seeing the OB that this woman set her up with. She said that she doesn't know what kind of prenatal care this mom has been getting, if any. She then said to make sure who she says is the father really is the father. She doesn't want to see a family broken up if the real father were to come forward and want the child back. Those of you from IL might remember the 'Baby Richard' case from a decade ago. The child was over 7 when the state gave custody back to the birth parents because the father didn't know about the child, thus his rights were never terminated. I couldn't go through that. My therapist is going to call the bio-mom today. Then she is going to call us. I told my therapist that she is a good judge of character, and to let me know her opinion after she talks with the bio-mom.

The ironic thing is that I had resolved myself that the adoption was not going to happen. I had gotten used to the idea that we would not be adopting. Well, all I can do is pray that the bio-mom at least talks with my therapist. I am in wait mode, and I don't do well with waiting. I'm not the most patient person in these matters. And now I'm not even sure if adopting this child would be a good idea given the birth mother's obvious issues. I have to worry about my boys, Hubby and I first and foremost. I have to think whether this would be good for them or not. We'll see what happens. Waiting is never easy.

The Trivial

The friend of mine who knows the woman who's giving up her baby, wow that's a mouthful!, still hasn't heard back from her. It's been three weeks. She called her again yesterday, but I think reality is sinking in to me. I don't think this adoption is going to happen. I have said that if it wasn't going to work out, I'd rather she decide that in the beginning before we got into things financially and emotionally. If things change, I will certainly let you all know, but I doubt that they will.

Onto the trivial. I'm the leader of a Mothers of Preschoolers group. We meet once a month, and our mission is to support moms who have children 0-6. I have been a member of this group for four years, but this is my first year leading. Anyway, there has been nothing but problems since our last meeting which was a month ago. I've had other people call meetings behind my back where I am the last person to find out, others make decisions without running it by me first, countless e-mails every. single. day. and just today I get an angry e-mail from a woman who sent out an e-mail with the wrong information. What was my offense? I asked her nicely to correct it lest the other group members get confused. I had sent out an agenda of this Friday's meeting which she clearly had not read. Not she is saying she's resigning from e-mailing altogether, and only doing the financial part of her job.

What I really felt was rude was that she attached my e-mail to her to the e-mail she sent to everyone else. I mean, are we in high school again??? Because I am the bigger person, and believe if you are angry with someone you CALL them and not e-mail them, I called her. Of course, she didn't answer. I left a message, a nicer message than I feel she deserved. I even left the times when she could call me. Guess what? She never called back. If this Friday's meeting is bad, I think I'm going to resign. This 'volunteer' job has been taking time away from my family, making me angry and giving me a stomachache nearly every day. I mean THIS IS CHURCH people! I'm clearly frustrated, and really pissed off. Any advice???

Inappropriate-Who Knew?

My husband and I were watching 'Sex in the City' the other night. It was the episode where Mr. Big calls Carrie because his Hollywood girlfriend dumped him. (This is the first year I have actually watched this show. I know, I'm a loser.) Anyway, Carrie invites him to the cabin Aiden and her are going to for the weekend. I told Hubby that I felt it was inappropriate to invite your ex-boyfriend to your home, especially when your current boyfriend is not fine with it. Hubby then says to me,"I also think it's inappropriate to talk to an ex-boyfriend while you're dating someone else." It took me a minute, but I realized he was talking about me. See my ex-boyfriend called me a few months into my dating Hubby. Hubby was going through this 'I don't know what I want stage.' So when the ex invited me to have coffee, I accepted. Hey, Hubby didn't know what he wanted, right?! I then told Hubby about the invitation. I wanted him to tell me not to go. Instead, he said something like 'he couldn't stop me, or do what you want to do'. I took that as meaning he didn't care, and hadn't figured anything out about our relationship. I wanted him to tell me not to go, and I wouldn't have. I wanted him to be jealous. There was no hint of that, so I went.

I went and my ex told me that he had no feelings for me; he was afraid that he would. Then he told me that he was still very attracted to me. Now, I have to tell you, he was gorgeous. So good-looking that I wondered why he was with me. Let's just say that I was still very attracted to him. I wonder if Hubby would have thought it 'inappropriate' for the ex to tell me he wanted to have sex with me? I didn't say no exactly. I told him I'd call him.

My plan was to see if Hubby had figured out what exactly he wanted. I also wanted to be appreciated, and for him to be happy I was in his life. That weekend, I found out he was very happy to be with me. He turned into the man I know and love today. I called my ex the next week, and said I was with Hubby and no sex was going to be happening. He said he knew I'd call and say that. It was hard to refuse seeing my ex when Hubby was being such an ass. Let's just say my ex is 'gifted' in certain activities. Plus, have I said how good-looking he was? It was very easy, though, to make that phone call after Hubby and I decided to continue our relationship. We both talked about that. Believe me, I told Hubby there would be no more 'I'm not sure what I want', or I'd be out of there! Obviously, he never said that again.

Is It Wrong?

Let me give you a short rundown on the situation before you give me an answer.

A few years ago, I was involved in a 'mom's group' of people who were very fertile. And wealthy. And pretty. Don't ya' hate them already? But anyway, back to the point. There seemed to be a competition of who would get pregnant again first. I was VERY open about my infertility, despite the fact that I was the first to start trying for #2, and the last to get pregnant, but I'm not bitter:) Anyway, no one seemed sympathetic to what I was going through, and after every single one of them got pregnant, that was ALL they would talk about. There were days I went home crying. Can we ask, does anyone have any tact??? One day the talk centered around how many children each person was going to have. Have not try for. One of the moms, who happens to have a very large home, said right in front of me, infertile myrtle, "I am going to fill up all of our bedrooms." Say what??? What pissed me off was that she knew what I was going through, the fact that I was starting my first IVF, and she STILL said something as thoughtless as that. At any rate, she had one boy. She desperately wanted a girl, while I simply wanted to get pregnant and carry to term.

So, she gets pregnant again. She had no qualms about telling us she wanted a girl. Second child is born. It's a boy. Fast forward to last winter. She's pregnant again. She has another boy. Therefore, I ask you: Is it bad to get some satisfaction from this woman not getting what she wanted? I guess she'll have to try again for that girl. Oh, and this time, since she's 36, it will be considered a high risk pregnancy with all of the extra tests. No, she won't ever know what it feels like to be me, but I know what it feels like to not get something I wanted. And now she does too. Ah, satisfaction...

So Much To Do, So Little Time

First off, I'd like to say I am sad the Cubs lost last night. Sad, but unfortunately, not surprised. In addition to that, our Bears seem to suck this year. Teachermom, don't rub it in:) I have tried to get into football for the sake of my marriage, if I didn't I wouldn't see my husband for months, but when our team is so bad it's really hard. I'm also getting tired of hearing my husband yell at the TV for pretty much the whole game. And my yelling at the TV last night during the Cubs game? It doesn't count, okay!

Tomorrow there are three things I need to do at the same time. One, is S.'s preschool is having a field trip at the fire station. Yes, on Columbus Day. It's a Christian preschool; I've already gone over this with several different people. Well, because it is Columbus Day, I can't find anyone to watch Tot, and he cannot come on any preschool field trips. Lovely, eh? So, that means, I can't go on the field trip. I have to leave S.'s car seat at the preschool so some other mom can take my child in their car to the station. Can you say overprotective? Yes, I know. I am so nervous about someone else taking my son in their car that I can't sleep. I keep envisioning the worst case scenario, and kicking myself because I should have just kept him home that day if I couldn't drive him myself. My husband thinks I'm crazy.

I received a call reminding me that I have a doctor appointment tomorrow. I made this appointment two months ago, so I have to go. Well, since I can't go on S.'s field trip, this shouldn't be a problem, right? Wrong. Tot's tumbling class is at, you guessed it, the same time!
Obviously, he is missing his class. I actually look forward to this class since a friend of mine attends it with her son too. I feel bad for the Tot, but what can I do? I also need to grocery shop. Yippee! Funsville.

Do you ever feel like you have so much to do, and none of it is fun? I know life isn't supposed to be all roses, but come on.

On the adoption front, I'm going to take it easy on it. I'll think about it when, if, I hear anything. If it's meant to be, it will be. If not, it's better to find that out right away. I have a great family with the two boys. I know that. I'm also protecting myself, so I don't get my heart broken. Because, really, what are the chances it will really happen anyway?

Murphy's Law & Update

Our air conditioner officially stopped working today. Normally this would not be a problem for October 5th in Illinois. However, today our high temperature will be 86 degrees. By Sunday it will be 90 degrees; we could even set a record! I am sweating already, and the windows and fans are all going strong. Tot and I took a drive around just to put the air conditioning on in the van! This is crazy that it is so hot still. I love warm weather, really love it, but not this hot. Oh, well. I told Hubby that at least we know to replace it before next summer. Plus, I'm sure we're more likely to be able to get a repairman over here now than in winter or the dog days of summer. I'm just so hot right now that it's hard to see the good in my air conditioning breaking now.
***Update--I talked to my therapist who put in a call to the woman who is faciliating the private adoption. She is currently on a business trip, but my therapist assures me she will call as soon as she hears from her. It appears the girl/woman is 4 months pregnant, or about that, and possibly of college age. That's all I know for now. We'll see. I'm not counting on anything yet. I don't want my heart to get broken.

Coming Clean

After nearly six weeks of trying to figure it out on my own, I finally talked to Hubby about possibly adoption a third child. I have to tell you, I was so nervous that I almost couldn't get the words out. I can't tell you how surprised I was when Hubby took it so well, and we actually had a very good conversation about it. We discussed both of our concerns: how the boys would do with it, if we have enough space, possible health and behavioral concerns, age and ethnicity that we are comfortable with, and of course whether or not we would financially be able to give all three children a good life. We decided that we are fine with a hispanic child, as baby girl is, or a bi-racial caucasion/hispanic.

My therapist asked me this week what the difference between an agency adoption and a private adoption. When I explained, she said to me that she knew someone who is looking to place a child. Hubby feels much more comfortable with this idea as we would know more about the mother's health. I told him that a county adoption would cost us about $2,000 with lawyers fees included in that amount. Then I told him that a private adoption could cost us well over $20, 000-$30,000. He told me not to worry about the money, that we would find a way if this is what we are meant to do. I really don't think a private adoption would work out anyway, and I cannot get my hopes up about it at all.

I have decided to take my time thinking about this. Thinking about whether this is what we should do or not. Adopting a child would make a huge change to our lives. Also, even though we certainly not wealthy, it would change our lifestyle big time. So, I have decided to pray about it, and see what happens. I don't feel the anxiety over waiting too long like I did with the infertility, which is really nice. At any rate, does anyone have any experience with adoption with the exception of international adoption. That is the one where we actually know people who have done it. I know I do not want to do an international adoption, too. So if you have adopted domestically, whether through an agency or through your state, please leave a comment about how that all went. It would really help our decision-making process!

Update On Baby Girl

Every time I go to church, I stop in the nursery to take a look at that cute little baby girl. I always ask the nursery attendant how 'our' little girl is doing, all the while knowing I will never be her mom. The other day when I sat and talked to her, Tot got in between us. Little jealous dude! I have never seen that side of him before. He wanted my attention, but he never touched the baby.
The situation for baby girl is bleak. Her mom is a 16-year old, and baby girl is her second child. She had her first at 14, and abused that baby, which was taken away from her. Therefore, when baby girl was born, she was immediately taken away too. The mom has to get custody back of child #1 before she can get baby girl back. This is why these kids languish in the foster/adoption system. The 'system' gives the parents too long to get their act together. Many times they never do, or they don't agree to sever their parental rights until the children are older and much harder to adopt. This is what my fear is for baby girl. Her mom gets visitation, and breastfeeds her on the weekend, so I doubt she's giving up custody any time soon. I tell you guys, I never in a million years saw this coming. Never thought I'd ever consider a county adoption. But I tell you, if there was any way at all that we could adopt baby girl, I'd do it in a heartbeat, and she'd be the most spoiled little girl in many ways!