Today we went to the library with some friends of ours. My boss at my former job recently retired and now volunteers at the library. I ran into her, and she called me over. She said in her 'boss-tone', "Formerteacher, I don't know if you know this..." Guys, I thought she was going to say there was an opening in the school district, and would I like to apply for it. My heart stopped. I felt excited in a way that I haven't in a while. I think I would have taken the job if it was offered to me. I feel somewhat bad about this, but I miss my job. I really do. There were a lot of pitfalls, but it is hard to remember those when you're wiping your kid's ass, you know. For the first time, I thought to myself that I could make it work. I could find child-care. I have been pondering the question if my depression is worse because I'm not working and fulfilling my creative side? Is it because I feel unstimulated and sometimes bored? I do believe that what I do is important. I know it is, but I still feel as if I'm losing who I am.
I'm somebody's mother, somebody's wife...but other than that, who am I? I feel like I haven't been myself in a long time. I think it started about the time of our infertility diagnoses. I felt as if my body wasn't my own. I had to tell said boss what was going on, because I had to be late sometimes. I felt that my femininity was taken away because I couldn't get pregnant. THEN when I did get pregnant, my body wasn't my own. Little did I know that my body wasn't ever going to be the my own again! I then became some body's mother, and we all know how life changes after that. Your kids come first. Now as my husband is still at work, and it takes an hour to get home, I continue my work as a mother without a break. I know my husband's work is very important, and his company has been very good to us, but sometimes I feel like I have given up everything. Right now I feel like the babysitter. Hubby can stay late because he has me. I enable him to advance in his career while mine languishes. He acknowledges this, but really what can he do about it? Sometimes I feel as if I am stuck, frozen. My life never changes.
***On a funnier note my son just spelled a word. He said, "T-I-T." Yep, that's my boy! I couldn't really tell him it wasn't a word, because it sort-of is. Luckily he didn't ask.
3 comments:
First of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Sometimes I feel the way you do about losing myself, but I know that my children will only be young once and work will always be out there for me to find. And I've been working for such a long time that I needed this break badly. I guess my jobs just weren't that satisfying.
Since your children are a little older, would it work for you guys if they were in daycare? Has one started preschool yet? Maybe you could be a substitute teacher for a while before going back full time?
Too funny about your son. Is he too young to be a frat boy?
I struggle with the work decision since I left corporate america. You will not always be a full-time mommy the kids will eventually go to school. When your ready to do the next phase of life, you'll know. No one can tell you. I remember in Feb wehn I got my review and my former boss told me I should consider leaving the corporate job and find something that makes me happy.
I couldn't beleive 6 months later i was leaving everything I know. Especially awsome health insurance and shopping and going to the 'rural' america. I cannot say if I love it yet. However, I do know with the support I have here i know I will become a teacher, I won't have to pick and choose anymore. Now, I just need the money.
You will be fine either way. Kids are a badge of HONOR we wear them well.
Your son is too funny!
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