In my last post, I told you my personal story of depression and how it has affected me. Now I will explain how I got through those bad days, and most notably, how I got through the times after my mom died.
On days when I feel/felt the worst, and had to get out of bed because I have two children that won't allow me any time to relax, I shop. Now I have other coping skills, such as joining the gym, small groups at church, and the like. However, on the days when there is nothing going on, and I can't stand to stay at home with said boys, I shop.
The week after my mom died, I shopped nearly every day. I bought shoes, candles, clothes for both S. and I, bras...you name it I probably bought it. Everything was name brand too. Tommy Hilfiger, Victoria's Secret, Bath&Body Works Candles, Coach purses and only Gap or Ralph Lauren clothes for my then 6-month old son S. To give you some backyard information about me, I used to think about every purchase I made. My mom and dad got married at 18, high school sweethearts--so cute, eh? My point here is that at times in my childhood things could be good and then things could get very bad. So not having 'things' such as the latest pair of Guess jeans, and getting teased about it, ain't the teen years grand?, made me very protective of any money I had. This translated to me trying to make sure that never happened to me in my adult life. Maybe you call that being cheap; I call it making sure I wasn't poor, and wasn't going to get thrown out of my home. I always saved money 'just in case'. Don't get me wrong, I did splurge, but not like I did after my mom died.
This type of spending lasted all summer and into the new year. If I felt bad, go shopping. Like many therapists Oprah has had on her show, I knew there was a deeper reason for my shopping, but I just didn't care. It made me feel good for a few hours or a day. I had to take everything day by day then.
I got through the worst part of my mourning, and my shopping decreased. I began to think again about what I spent and how much money was in the bank. I've done really well this year. Especially with the kids' clothes. I only bought what they've needed, and for Tot that isn't much since he has all of S.'s clothes.
Presently, I am struggling with worries about money again. What if we no longer have any? What if we don't continue to have the good health insurance that we have currently. How would we afford all of the prescriptions our family needs? What if we couldn't pay the mortgage? What if we lost the house? The economy is bad now...I worry all the time. My SIL recently lost her job, which brings things home. On the minor front, there would be no dinners out, no babysitters, no trips to see family or friends, no new clothes, certainly no impulse purchases. We got used to a certain lifestyle. It's not grand by any means, just comfortable. We live in our starter house, keep our cars for a long time, so we certainly aren't rich, but we have gotten used to living the way we live. What if it all went away?
1 comment:
I call it getting through the day. I have learned this as a survival mode for being a wife, mother and a constantly depressed stressed out, chronic pain sufferer. I was thinking to myself when will I pass this and move on to enjoy life again. What was life like before this monster consumed my life. It will be 6 years since this whole cycle started and I don't know how to break it.
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