Anxiety

Lately, particularly today, I have been feeling overwhelmed and anxious and behind on everything I want to or think I should do. I've been meaning to post more here, but again, I haven't. Why? No good reason. I just feel overwhelmed and believe that I don't have time to write. Or the kids are down here and fighting, which really pisses me off! Then it's truly not worth it. I feel trapped, and like there isn't much to look forward to. Hubby and I used to go out at least 1-2 times a month. Not often, but it was a real help. I felt like myself instead of only some body's mother. Don't get me wrong. My children were hard won, and I love them more than I can say in words, but sometimes I need to be away. Hubby doesn't want to leave the boys on the weekends, because it's the only time he really gets to see them since he works so much. Me? Well, I definitely get enough time with them, and just need a break.

I feel like there are so many things that I have to do, and I haven't go them totally done. Almost done, but not finished. And then all these loose ends that I have need to be tied up. They just keep adding up in my brain, which makes me not want to deal with any of them.

Hubby took down the crib awhile back when Tot got his BBB. It is currently being help in our utility room. It's been weeks since I've been able to get a light and battery out. The crib is leaning on the closet door. I even found a place that would take it and be grateful for it. But still it's here taking up a lot of space, and making me feel more anxious.

I don't get to talk to a whole lot of adults, at least in person, since my oldest has afternoon kindergarten. It breaks up the whole day. In the same breath, I feel sad that next year he will no longer be at home at all during the week. And Tot will have preschool Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday mornings. I always wanted some time to myself, but thinking about it is enough to make me cry. Just the thought is enough to make me feel lonely.

This afternoon while at Tot's parent/tot tumbling class, we found out the owner is closing her business. With the way the economy has been going, she can't afford to maintain the programs. This is so sad for me because we have been going to this place since S. was 15 month's old. It has been such a part of our lives it makes me sad that it isn't going to be there. We have such an attachment to that place. So many memories, and now it's gone.

After a wonderful Friday and Saturday, the weather has sucked yesterday and today, and will continue to do so until at least Wednesday. I need spring and summer! When the weather is lousy, I feel more down. The sun energizes me. Today we have gone from rain, then sun, then clouds, then rain, then hailing, then hard rain, to sunshine.

I'm embarrassed to say this. Our cleaning lady is coming tomorrow and I feel overwhelmed just thinking about cleaning up toys etc. so she can clean even though I just cleaned when I had a friend over on Friday.

A neighbor had a new baby, and her mom is there helping to take care of the whole family. Wouldn't that have been nice! I got a card from church for a mother/daughter tea. I have no mother and I have no daughter. How'd I get on that list? And I am not going alone no matter what the card reads about me being a mother too. I know their will mostly be mother/daughters there, so I don't need to see it and make myself feel even worse. I am just pissed off about my mom being dead. I need/want her to take care of me. To go to lunch with me, to hang with me. But she's gone and has been for awhile. It still sucks!