Tuesday, May 24, 2005
I promise to post my birth story soon
The last few days I have been tired, thanks Percoset, and have really been missing my mom. I gave Jeff my mom's necklace to put in his scrubs pocket for me since I couldn't wear any jewelry, but wanted something of my mom's in the delievery room with me. Well, he threw his scrubs away like the nurses told him to, and well, my mom's necklace was thrown away too. I am heartbroken, but Jeff feels SO bad how can I yell at him? He feels bad enough already. So right now I am trying to put my mom not being here to see Ryan in perspective. Please don't tell me she is watching over him right now, because frankly I don't want to hear it. I want her here. I don't have PPD; I just miss my mom and didn't realize how much her not being here would affect me. I miss you, mom!!!
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Just a quick annnouncement
Ryan Michael was born at 8:37 on Tuesdat, MAy 17th. He is a very healthy baby, and loves to be held. I am so glad of that since Steve did not care for being held. He weighed in at a healthy 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 1/2 inches long. Yep, I have big babies!
I had a wonderful experience this time. The nurses were fantastic!!! My mood has been good. Now tha twe are at home, I hope that continues. Last time at this time with Stephen i was already experiencing PPD, not this time, so I am cautiously optimistic that things will stay good. I am a bit sore from my incision, but the pain meds are helping.
Goot go. Baby crying. I love that sound!!!
I had a wonderful experience this time. The nurses were fantastic!!! My mood has been good. Now tha twe are at home, I hope that continues. Last time at this time with Stephen i was already experiencing PPD, not this time, so I am cautiously optimistic that things will stay good. I am a bit sore from my incision, but the pain meds are helping.
Goot go. Baby crying. I love that sound!!!
Monday, May 16, 2005
Let's Hear It For the Boys
As I sit here on the eve of my youngest child's birth, I am trying to put into words what I am feeling right now. The truth is that I am feeling so many things from sheer joy and excitement, to downright fear. The fear part comes from my oldest son's decision to start acting like the terrible two's. Jeff said if he had shown us this side a year ago we may have reconsidered having another child. JUST KIDDING, STEVIE BOY!
I cannot believe that this time tomorrow I will be holding my second, and final, miracle baby boy. It just doesn't seem real. I mean it DOES feel like it is time for this pregnancy to end, but it just doesn't feel like tomorrow is the day.
Just 2 1/2 years ago I had my little boy Stephen. The little boy who helped me so much. He was/is my buddy. We do everything together. It seems surreal that we will have to share our bond with another little boy. I know I can love them equally, but can I give them each enough of my time? I guess time will tell.
Stephen is my sweet, sensitive boy. My little fair-skinned blondie. My sweet baby boy. My everything. The child who makes everyone smile. The one who hugs you when it is much-needed and you didn't even ask. The baby boy who gave me a purpose to my life when my mother died. The baby boy who I got out of bed for each morning. The only one who could make me laugh and smile. The one who gave me hope.
Ryan is my little boy who is due to make his entrance into this world tomorrow. The baby I thought I may never have. A sibling for Stephen. The culmination of our family. The baby my mom will never hold.
I am so happy that Steve will have a brother. I felt so much guilt when it looked like he was going to be an only child. I wanted him to have what I have with my brother. I felt if I didn't give him a sibling I would be short-changing him. I was afraid he may hate me for it, even though I was doing my best to give him one. I also didn't want him to be alone because of my family history of breast cancer. I felt if I did die early, I didn't want him to be alone in his grief. I wanted him to have a sibling to go through it with. Having my brother really helped , and still helps, me deal with my mom's loss. I didn't want everything to fall on Steve's shoulders. Jeff used to question who I wanted this baby for: Steve or us. I definitely want this child as much for us as I do for Steve. I am so glad that I got to experience pregnancy a second time. I have it 'out of my system' now; don't want to do it again! And I am so glad to get the chance to experience another newborn. Maybe this time I won't have PPD and will get to enjoy him to the fullest.
So my boys, I feel so incredibly lucky to be your mom. I hope you grow to love each other even though you may not always like each other. You will always have each other, which is a true gift, even though it may not always feel that way. Your father and I tried so hard to have you and feel blessed that you are in our lives.
My dearest Stephen, your world will be turned upside down for awhile, but don't ever think for a moment that we love you any less because we now have your brother too. We have had so many special moments together that I will never forget, and we will continue having those moments, I promise. I love you more than you will ever know.
Your mama
****I will be off-line until next week. I will let you all know how the birth went, and if my PPD returned. I also hope to be able to watch the season finale of 'Gilmore Girls' tomorrow, but since I probably won't be able to, will someone let me know what happens? I love that show!!! Thanks!
I cannot believe that this time tomorrow I will be holding my second, and final, miracle baby boy. It just doesn't seem real. I mean it DOES feel like it is time for this pregnancy to end, but it just doesn't feel like tomorrow is the day.
Just 2 1/2 years ago I had my little boy Stephen. The little boy who helped me so much. He was/is my buddy. We do everything together. It seems surreal that we will have to share our bond with another little boy. I know I can love them equally, but can I give them each enough of my time? I guess time will tell.
Stephen is my sweet, sensitive boy. My little fair-skinned blondie. My sweet baby boy. My everything. The child who makes everyone smile. The one who hugs you when it is much-needed and you didn't even ask. The baby boy who gave me a purpose to my life when my mother died. The baby boy who I got out of bed for each morning. The only one who could make me laugh and smile. The one who gave me hope.
Ryan is my little boy who is due to make his entrance into this world tomorrow. The baby I thought I may never have. A sibling for Stephen. The culmination of our family. The baby my mom will never hold.
I am so happy that Steve will have a brother. I felt so much guilt when it looked like he was going to be an only child. I wanted him to have what I have with my brother. I felt if I didn't give him a sibling I would be short-changing him. I was afraid he may hate me for it, even though I was doing my best to give him one. I also didn't want him to be alone because of my family history of breast cancer. I felt if I did die early, I didn't want him to be alone in his grief. I wanted him to have a sibling to go through it with. Having my brother really helped , and still helps, me deal with my mom's loss. I didn't want everything to fall on Steve's shoulders. Jeff used to question who I wanted this baby for: Steve or us. I definitely want this child as much for us as I do for Steve. I am so glad that I got to experience pregnancy a second time. I have it 'out of my system' now; don't want to do it again! And I am so glad to get the chance to experience another newborn. Maybe this time I won't have PPD and will get to enjoy him to the fullest.
So my boys, I feel so incredibly lucky to be your mom. I hope you grow to love each other even though you may not always like each other. You will always have each other, which is a true gift, even though it may not always feel that way. Your father and I tried so hard to have you and feel blessed that you are in our lives.
My dearest Stephen, your world will be turned upside down for awhile, but don't ever think for a moment that we love you any less because we now have your brother too. We have had so many special moments together that I will never forget, and we will continue having those moments, I promise. I love you more than you will ever know.
Your mama
****I will be off-line until next week. I will let you all know how the birth went, and if my PPD returned. I also hope to be able to watch the season finale of 'Gilmore Girls' tomorrow, but since I probably won't be able to, will someone let me know what happens? I love that show!!! Thanks!
Sunday, May 15, 2005
What a Difference a Year Makes
Yesterday I started thinking, well CONTINUED to think, about how much our lives are going to change very soon. Then I thought about how it almost didn't happen; how we almost never got the chance to bring another child into this world. It was close guys, very close.
A little over a year ago marked the first anniversary of my mom's death. Just a few days later I went in for my pregnancy test for our last IUI cycle. If this cycle did not work, we were going to take a break for a few months, and then do an IVF cycle. Just before the day of my test, we found out Jeff was going to a conference in Malaysia in July, which happened to be the month we thought we would do our first IVF cycle, if necessary, course I prayed that it wouldn't be necessary. So now July was out, and the clinic originally had planned to close the lab in August for 'cleaning.' Now I really prayed even harder that this cycle had worked. Waiting is always hard, but waiting for three months seemed cruel. Plain cruel.
I went in and gave my blood, with my sweet little Clomid/IUI toddler boy in tow. I still cannot believe that all it took was Clomid to get pregnant with Steve and it took IVF this time. Ain't infertility a lot of fun?! That afternoon I got the phone call. Now I usually handle bad news surprising well, at first. I do not like to show emotion to people, particularly those whom I am not related to. I detest pity. However, when the nurse told me the result was negative AGAIN, the tears just rolled down my face. I don't know if she could tell, but it still bothered me. I mean I had no control over my tears. No control, and I just hate that. The frustration of the past year, the surgery that didn't relieve my endometriosis pain and didn't improve pregnancy rates, the countless Clomid and injectible cycles, the disappointments, missing my mom like crazy, I just couldn't hold it in any more. I thanked the nurse quickly for the results and hung up the phone. And then I waited to get my period which I knew would only bring me pain due to the endometriosis. I remember writing in my journal, "What did I do to deserve this?".
Well, my period did arrive, and the pain was so bad I needed to take Vicodin. When I need to take a narcotic I will not allow myself to be alone with my son. Therefore, my wonderful husband took Steve to my brother's, who is a SAHD. I could not thank my brother enough. I don't like to ask for help, but I just couldn't take care of my son. The next day I felt that I would be better. I had previously offerred to take my brother's 2-year old for him so he could go on my other niece's field trip. Good thing my brother didn't believe me, and was able to find someone to watch his daughter. I was able to take only prescription strength Motrin, so I felt I could handle Steve, but definitely not two toddlers. That day PBS became my new best friend.
I called my RE that day and asked to be put on the pill while waiting to begin our IVF cycle. I would take it continuously so I wouldn't get another period, thus alleviating that monthly pain. I also started accupuncture treatments. I figured what the hell? Surgery hadn't helped, and maybe in combination with the pill, I would get some much-needed relief. And I did.
I also got some good news. My clinic would be doing IVF cycles in August after all. I set up all of my appointments and set off on a family vacation to California to see my mom's family. I cannot emphasize how much good it did for my soul to sit with my mom's father and brother, and family and share memories of my mom. She felt alive again to me, and I felt at peace for the first time in a long time. I remember being on the free-way in San Diego listening to the radio looking at the beautiful mountains. The song 'The Reason' by Hoobastank(oops!) kept coming on. 'I finally found a reason for me. To change how I used to be. And the reason is you.' I looked at my son and realized I needed to be present, wholey, for him. I may never have another child, he may hate me for it, but I needed to live in the present. I was able to do that while in California. Unfortunately, it didn't last when we got home.
We had friends over that weekend, and I could not wait for them to leave so I could sleep. I love these friends too, but I was feeling very down, and wanted to be alone. My entire family noticed my mood and talked with me about it. I made plans to stay busy and do things I enjoyed. It didn't happen overnight, but I began to feel better. I stopped seeing my moms group for awhile since I was literally the only one not pregnant. Now this group of woman are wonderful people, but hearing about their pregnancies, something they had that I desperately wanted, just wasn't helping me at all. I needed to take a break, and I did.
Now you would think that I had an excellent IVF cycle. That everything that happened from that point on was positive, but it wasn't. I went in for my pre-IVF bloodwork and received a call a few days later telling me my FSH was 13. Now it had always been 8 before, which is on the high average end as it is, but 13-no. That is just insanely high. I was crushed! And Jeff was in Malaysia, so there was no one to help me off the cliff I was standing dangerously close to. I waited ALL DAY for my doctor to call me back. When he did I plainly asked if it was even worth it to do an IVF cycle, reminding him that our insurance would not pay a dime and this was coming out of our savings. He felt it would be, but of course we wouldn't know for sure until we tried one cycle. Jeff came home from Malaysia a few days later, and also talked to our doctor. We decided to give it a try.
Try, we did. I was put on the highest dose of meds. due to my high FSH level. My RE felt the high FSH level would correlate with a lower than average response to the meds., so we started high with the understanding we could always decrease the meds. I ended up being a 'slow responder'. My RE told me on the Wednesday before the retrieval that if I did not produce any more follicles, I had 8, that he would cancel the cycle. And as promised he was honest about how successful we would be. He said if he cancelled this cycle, he felt it would be indictive of future cycles and he would advise against doing any more treatment. Go home and enjoy your son. I was devastated! He set up a u/s for that Friday, and everything was left until then.
I called Jeff in tears on the way home. I was crushed. When he got home, we talked. I prayed, and began to feel a positiveness spring up. I am generally pessimistic about such things, but I was beginning to feel like it would all work out. On Friday, I was up to 14 follicles. My RE couldn't believe it! He still gave us only a 15-20 percent of getting pregnant, but that was better than nothing.
Retrieval happened on that Tuesday. I ended up with 9/10 fertilizing. Three were the highest grade they can be. So much for poor egg quality like my RE suspected! We transferred all three of those beauties. My RE upped our odds to 40-50 percent based on our embryo quality. I asked him what my problem was then, and he said I may not even have one. To this day I am considered 'unexplained infertility.' No one can tell me why we haven't gotten pregnant the old fashioned way.
I continued to feel positive, which again is very unlike me. Two weeks later I got the call that forever changed our lives for the better; I was pregnant. My HCG level was 479!!! My RE suspected multiples. So I go from almost not making enough eggs to making multiple babies. Wow!
I had one more blood test, and then scheduled an ultrasound. My RE sat Jeff and I down beforehand. He prepared us for the possiblity of triplets. Um, Come again!!! My HCG numbers were that high. In my heart, I did not believe there were triplets and there weren't. There were twins. Unfortunately, we lost baby B.
So here we are, one year later. My second little boy is due to come into this world this week, and I could not be happier. Nervous, scared, excited, and happy. My little boy will have a sibling, something I wanted very much for him. This baby is a true miracle. The doctors didn't think he could be conceived. My RE even said he was going to write this one down. So I have learned to believe even when others tell you not to. When they tell you it probably won't happen. When they tell you not to get your hopes up. I am sitting here rubbing my miracle, and I can't wait to hold him in my arms for the rest of our lives.
A little over a year ago marked the first anniversary of my mom's death. Just a few days later I went in for my pregnancy test for our last IUI cycle. If this cycle did not work, we were going to take a break for a few months, and then do an IVF cycle. Just before the day of my test, we found out Jeff was going to a conference in Malaysia in July, which happened to be the month we thought we would do our first IVF cycle, if necessary, course I prayed that it wouldn't be necessary. So now July was out, and the clinic originally had planned to close the lab in August for 'cleaning.' Now I really prayed even harder that this cycle had worked. Waiting is always hard, but waiting for three months seemed cruel. Plain cruel.
I went in and gave my blood, with my sweet little Clomid/IUI toddler boy in tow. I still cannot believe that all it took was Clomid to get pregnant with Steve and it took IVF this time. Ain't infertility a lot of fun?! That afternoon I got the phone call. Now I usually handle bad news surprising well, at first. I do not like to show emotion to people, particularly those whom I am not related to. I detest pity. However, when the nurse told me the result was negative AGAIN, the tears just rolled down my face. I don't know if she could tell, but it still bothered me. I mean I had no control over my tears. No control, and I just hate that. The frustration of the past year, the surgery that didn't relieve my endometriosis pain and didn't improve pregnancy rates, the countless Clomid and injectible cycles, the disappointments, missing my mom like crazy, I just couldn't hold it in any more. I thanked the nurse quickly for the results and hung up the phone. And then I waited to get my period which I knew would only bring me pain due to the endometriosis. I remember writing in my journal, "What did I do to deserve this?".
Well, my period did arrive, and the pain was so bad I needed to take Vicodin. When I need to take a narcotic I will not allow myself to be alone with my son. Therefore, my wonderful husband took Steve to my brother's, who is a SAHD. I could not thank my brother enough. I don't like to ask for help, but I just couldn't take care of my son. The next day I felt that I would be better. I had previously offerred to take my brother's 2-year old for him so he could go on my other niece's field trip. Good thing my brother didn't believe me, and was able to find someone to watch his daughter. I was able to take only prescription strength Motrin, so I felt I could handle Steve, but definitely not two toddlers. That day PBS became my new best friend.
I called my RE that day and asked to be put on the pill while waiting to begin our IVF cycle. I would take it continuously so I wouldn't get another period, thus alleviating that monthly pain. I also started accupuncture treatments. I figured what the hell? Surgery hadn't helped, and maybe in combination with the pill, I would get some much-needed relief. And I did.
I also got some good news. My clinic would be doing IVF cycles in August after all. I set up all of my appointments and set off on a family vacation to California to see my mom's family. I cannot emphasize how much good it did for my soul to sit with my mom's father and brother, and family and share memories of my mom. She felt alive again to me, and I felt at peace for the first time in a long time. I remember being on the free-way in San Diego listening to the radio looking at the beautiful mountains. The song 'The Reason' by Hoobastank(oops!) kept coming on. 'I finally found a reason for me. To change how I used to be. And the reason is you.' I looked at my son and realized I needed to be present, wholey, for him. I may never have another child, he may hate me for it, but I needed to live in the present. I was able to do that while in California. Unfortunately, it didn't last when we got home.
We had friends over that weekend, and I could not wait for them to leave so I could sleep. I love these friends too, but I was feeling very down, and wanted to be alone. My entire family noticed my mood and talked with me about it. I made plans to stay busy and do things I enjoyed. It didn't happen overnight, but I began to feel better. I stopped seeing my moms group for awhile since I was literally the only one not pregnant. Now this group of woman are wonderful people, but hearing about their pregnancies, something they had that I desperately wanted, just wasn't helping me at all. I needed to take a break, and I did.
Now you would think that I had an excellent IVF cycle. That everything that happened from that point on was positive, but it wasn't. I went in for my pre-IVF bloodwork and received a call a few days later telling me my FSH was 13. Now it had always been 8 before, which is on the high average end as it is, but 13-no. That is just insanely high. I was crushed! And Jeff was in Malaysia, so there was no one to help me off the cliff I was standing dangerously close to. I waited ALL DAY for my doctor to call me back. When he did I plainly asked if it was even worth it to do an IVF cycle, reminding him that our insurance would not pay a dime and this was coming out of our savings. He felt it would be, but of course we wouldn't know for sure until we tried one cycle. Jeff came home from Malaysia a few days later, and also talked to our doctor. We decided to give it a try.
Try, we did. I was put on the highest dose of meds. due to my high FSH level. My RE felt the high FSH level would correlate with a lower than average response to the meds., so we started high with the understanding we could always decrease the meds. I ended up being a 'slow responder'. My RE told me on the Wednesday before the retrieval that if I did not produce any more follicles, I had 8, that he would cancel the cycle. And as promised he was honest about how successful we would be. He said if he cancelled this cycle, he felt it would be indictive of future cycles and he would advise against doing any more treatment. Go home and enjoy your son. I was devastated! He set up a u/s for that Friday, and everything was left until then.
I called Jeff in tears on the way home. I was crushed. When he got home, we talked. I prayed, and began to feel a positiveness spring up. I am generally pessimistic about such things, but I was beginning to feel like it would all work out. On Friday, I was up to 14 follicles. My RE couldn't believe it! He still gave us only a 15-20 percent of getting pregnant, but that was better than nothing.
Retrieval happened on that Tuesday. I ended up with 9/10 fertilizing. Three were the highest grade they can be. So much for poor egg quality like my RE suspected! We transferred all three of those beauties. My RE upped our odds to 40-50 percent based on our embryo quality. I asked him what my problem was then, and he said I may not even have one. To this day I am considered 'unexplained infertility.' No one can tell me why we haven't gotten pregnant the old fashioned way.
I continued to feel positive, which again is very unlike me. Two weeks later I got the call that forever changed our lives for the better; I was pregnant. My HCG level was 479!!! My RE suspected multiples. So I go from almost not making enough eggs to making multiple babies. Wow!
I had one more blood test, and then scheduled an ultrasound. My RE sat Jeff and I down beforehand. He prepared us for the possiblity of triplets. Um, Come again!!! My HCG numbers were that high. In my heart, I did not believe there were triplets and there weren't. There were twins. Unfortunately, we lost baby B.
So here we are, one year later. My second little boy is due to come into this world this week, and I could not be happier. Nervous, scared, excited, and happy. My little boy will have a sibling, something I wanted very much for him. This baby is a true miracle. The doctors didn't think he could be conceived. My RE even said he was going to write this one down. So I have learned to believe even when others tell you not to. When they tell you it probably won't happen. When they tell you not to get your hopes up. I am sitting here rubbing my miracle, and I can't wait to hold him in my arms for the rest of our lives.
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Listen to Your Mother!
Ryan, this is mommy. Please stay put until Tuesday. You scared me last night. I thought you were coming, and I got so nervous. I need more sleep. I like the fact that everything is scheduled this time. (You will understand some day how much mama loves to know what is going to happen, when and how.) So, Ryan, honey, if you could please wait until TuesdayI would really appreciate it.
***Yes, last night I was trying to reason with a fetus. Pretty sad, huh?! Actually I was having those false labor pains. They were so painful and at one point, regular, that I was beginning to think my little man was going to come early. I forgot how painful labor is. I got no sleep last night, but my wonderful husband let me sleep REALLY late. God Bless Him! We are still here, and Jeff has gotten my bag from downstairs so I can pack, which I will do sometime before we leave on Tuesday. What is holding me back???
***Sidenote---I talked to my dad about not bringing J. around and my feelings on the whole situation. He was wonderful about it. So no stress there. Thank goodness I decided to be an adult and talk to him about it instead of just stressing myself out.
***Quick question----Did anyone get REALLY hungry their last week of pregnancy? With Steve, I was so sick of eating and craved nothing. However, with Ryan I am craving food constantly! I mean it certainly is telling when staff at restaurants recognize you!!! I was just wondering if this has happened to others or if I am the only freak out there who craves food in her last week of pregnancy?
Going tomorrow AM to give blood for my surgery. For over a year, I gave blood on an every other day basis, with the fertility treatments and all. Plus, I have lost count of the many shots I have given myself. So why am I nervous about a bloodtest and the upcoming IV I'll get? Weird.
***Yes, last night I was trying to reason with a fetus. Pretty sad, huh?! Actually I was having those false labor pains. They were so painful and at one point, regular, that I was beginning to think my little man was going to come early. I forgot how painful labor is. I got no sleep last night, but my wonderful husband let me sleep REALLY late. God Bless Him! We are still here, and Jeff has gotten my bag from downstairs so I can pack, which I will do sometime before we leave on Tuesday. What is holding me back???
***Sidenote---I talked to my dad about not bringing J. around and my feelings on the whole situation. He was wonderful about it. So no stress there. Thank goodness I decided to be an adult and talk to him about it instead of just stressing myself out.
***Quick question----Did anyone get REALLY hungry their last week of pregnancy? With Steve, I was so sick of eating and craved nothing. However, with Ryan I am craving food constantly! I mean it certainly is telling when staff at restaurants recognize you!!! I was just wondering if this has happened to others or if I am the only freak out there who craves food in her last week of pregnancy?
Going tomorrow AM to give blood for my surgery. For over a year, I gave blood on an every other day basis, with the fertility treatments and all. Plus, I have lost count of the many shots I have given myself. So why am I nervous about a bloodtest and the upcoming IV I'll get? Weird.
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