Thanks, Brooke!

I recently finished reading Brooke Shield's book about her postpartum depression and while it was no literary award-maker, it was quite good. When Steve was 4 months old I read Marie Osmond's account of her battle with PPD. I felt she sugar-coated a lot. I did not feel this way with Brooke's book, and I want to thank her for that.

I found that her experiences that predisposed her to PPD and mine were similar. She struggled with infertility before getting pregnant. I, like her, thought that the hard part was GETTING pregnant, but once I did, things would be great. I set myself up. I, too, had an ideal as to what parenting a newborn would be like. I, like Brooke, didn't expect to labor all day only to need an emergency c-section. I, too, didn't expect to be one of the last to hold my baby that I had worked so hard to have. I did most of the work, and was the last to reap the rewards of holding my son. I , too, was very jealous of my husband's ability to go with Stephen right after his birth and hold him. Instead, I got to lay and have my insides sewn up alone. Anti-climatic to say the the least. I was, and still am, very angry about that experience. You know, the one I get to have again next week. I'm sure the hospital hasn't changed its policy on taking the baby quickly away. I'm trying to come to terms with that. Brooke also received no pain management after her c-section. She, too, was made to feel like a complainer. And the way she describes how she felt nothing for her daughter, initially, just described how I felt so well. Oh, and she lost her father a mere three weeks before her daughter's birth. Remember, I found out my mom's cancer was terminal while IN the hospital. Oh, and I guess having a miscarriage also puts you at a higher risk of PPD, and we both had miscarriages. I must say, it was surprising to me that a celebrity didn't fare any better after a traumatic birth than I had.

Another thing that surprises me is that these events in both of our lives are KNOWN risk factors for PPD, yet no one said a thing about it. I hear that some hospitals screen patients for post-partum depression before they leave the hospital. I think that is such a wonderful and helpful, not to mention money-saving for the insurance companies, thing for them to do. I also have recently read that SOME doctors actually discuss the possibility of PPD with their patients before they give birth, particularly if some red flags for the disease come up. Prior to Steve's birth, I DID discuss the possiblity of PPD with my doctor. My SIL developed it with her third child, and brought up her concerns about me being at risk. Therefore, I brought it up with my OB, who told me I had to keep an eye out for it and to call him if I felt I had, in fact, developed it. He never told me what to look for, though.

I do feel I am one of the lucky ones. I recognized it early on and wasn't willing to wait it out to see if it got better. Steve was two weeks old when I called my OB and told him I needed help. I also was already seeing a therapist, so I called her for an emergency appt. She agreed I wasn't over-reacting and needed help. It took many months for me to feel really good. I would have good days and bad days, then good weeks and bad weeks etc. It was frustrating, but I'm glad I perservered and never gave up. I am also SO glad I have a husband who stuck it out with me. I never questioned that he would; I just felt he may get sick of me and only stay with me out of obligation. He assured me that wasn't the case.

However, reading Brooke's book made me realize that my depression may not have been as severe as I thought. I never had images of my baby being hurt by anything. I never had the desire to kill myself. I felt like I wanted to leave and come back when I felt better, if I ever did, but I didn't want to die. I did feel that Steve would have been better off without me for awhile. I did feel like things would never get better. I did feel like what the hell did I get myself into! Then I felt guilt because I tried so hard to have Steve that I should have been the vision of a Johnson&Johnson commercial ad. mother. I mean I got my miracle; what the hell was I complaining about?! I did feel like I lost myself, and all I wanted to do was sit and cry, which with a lovely incision, didn't feel so good. I felt ugly, which didn't help, and out of control of everything around me. There was no routine, there was no order. Hell, I didn't know when I would eat next, ME the queen of routine! Nothing had gone like I thought it would, and I have never in my life been so damn tired before. The painkillers were definitely not helping that area either. Course, I did not want to be in pain, so that was a catch 22. At night I had insomnia. I hate to admit this, but I am on Valium for a bladder disorder that occurred, can you believe the irony, after I had a lap. to remove any endometriosis I had so that I could GET PREGNANT. A complication occurred and I am on one medication for life now, and Valium when things get particularly bad or after a surgery to ward off any resulting trauma. Whatever. Anyway, I found myself taking the Valium as much for my anxiety as for my bladder condition. I assure you this did not last long, and was one of the reasons I got help so quickly. I did not want to become a drug addict on top of all of my other problems. Still with me? But things did get better, and for that I am grateful. I will admit to everyone that I would not be having another child if I had had two already when I developed PPD. I am scared TO DEATH that come next week I will be back in the postpartum hell that I have struggled so long to get out of. I want my son to have a sibling, and Jeff and I wanted to have our two kids. I did say years ago that I may try for a third child if I had two boys first, before infertility of course. Now, no way. Not after PPD. I just can't justify it. I can't take that risk. And this is a risk I am taking. Jeff and I have discussed what we will do if my PPD comes back. I know holding my son and not having my mom there to be with me is going to be indescribably hard. I had dinner last night with my mom's best friend and she discussed her concern about that with me. It's going to be hard, and I won't know how hard until it happens. I hate that. I like to prepare for everything, and this is something you just can't prepare for.

Today I had my last OB appt. and discussed again my fears of the PPD returning. I have been on Paxil and now my OB prescribed oral progesterone. I already have had that prescription filled. He said that the research indicated that the dramatic drop of hormones immediately following birth has a factor in many cases of PPD. So I will be taking my anti-depressant and progesterone to hopefully ward this off. I had read something to the same effect, so I feel comfortable attempting this approach, as does my husband:)

Okay, something more positive. I am now measuring right where I should be for 38 weeks. Prior to month nine, I was measuring on average two weeks ahead, and the belief was that this would be another big boy. Fine by me, I'm having a c-section. Now two of the doctors who have seen me both believe this baby is going to be SMALLER than Steve. My OB asked me again today how big Steve was. I told him 8 pounds, 10 ounces, 22 inches long. Then he asked if it was a girl. Nope. So we don't know why, but this baby appears to be smaller, which if he's healthy I'm more than fine with. The only wrench in my plans is that since we thought he'd be large like his brother, I bought clothes in bigger sizes. Oh, well. If it's a hot summer, I guess he'll be wearing lots of onesies! So much for planning!!!