The Ackwardness That is My Life

'Every night in my dreams, I see you , I feel you;
that is how I know you go on.'
'The Heart Goes On' by Celine Dion--Titanic Soundtrack

I apologize if I misquoted anything, which is very possible at the moment. At any rate, this describes how I feel about my mom.

First ackward moment of the day: having 6 week check-up. I feel for all you moms who had vaginal births, because I'm surprised the doctor didn't have to pry me off the ceiling after the pelvic exam. OUCH! And I had a c-section! How is sex going to feel for the first time?!
Second ackward moment of the day: telling him, the doctor who misdiagnosed my mom's breast cancer and who honestly was remorseful, that I am my mom's daughter and that she died. Apparently, he didn't put the connection together. He just thought I was some patient whose mother died of breast cancer, not THE patient's daughter. His response after being told I am D.'s daughter? "Oh, shit! That wasn't that long." followed by a walk to the corner to compose himself. And get this. I felt bad for him! I tried to comfort him! I really need to get over this need to please ailment that I have!
Oh, and the positive sound-bite of the day? Well, you know since your mother had pre-menopausal breast cancer your risk changes from 1 in 8 to 1 in 4. Yah, I forgot. Thanks for reminding me.
The ONE positive thing about having PPD? Forgetting you have any risk of breast cancer at all, let alone a 1 in 4. Shit! I'd like to forget.

What is Perfect Anyway?

Have you ever felt completely overwhelmed because there always seems to be laundry to do, dry cleaning to take in and pick up, kids to bathe, a dog to brush and bathe, a house to pick up, carpets to clean, toys and junk to sort through, a christening to plan(oh, wait that's just me!), flowers to water so they don't die in this drought we're having, and THEN your husband wakes you up to tell you something is wrong with the car that is PAID FOR and he is taking it into the shop? Dear Lord. Oh, how I hope Honda can fix it and cheaply too. We were counting on keeping the Accord for a long time; remember, it's paid for! We still have a while left until the van is paid off. Ugh!
OH, and I went to my pysch, yesterday and it was determined my meds. had leveled off, and my dose needed to be increased. So that's why I have been irritable lately?! I thought it was normal to feel down when you can't seem to lose any more weight, your two-year old is destroying the room you painstakingly put together for him--i.e.---he's pulling the chair rail out of the wall nails and all, and your husband asks what he can do to help you, but ends up playing video games all night and ends up falling asleep while you are in the midst of a conversation with him. I have had lots of trouble sleeping lately, so my doctor gave me some Lunestra to help me sleep; it didn't. I must be the only person who takes the highest dose of a sleeping pill and still can't sleep!
One funny thing though. As I'm quickly, don't want anyone to see me walk out of a psych. office----you know, I'm a crazy lady-----two drug company reps. walked out too. One sold Avandia, the other Levitra. The Avandia lady had a bag with no drug name on it. The Levitra man had a HUGE bag with the name 'Levitra' written on it in big letters. So the lady tells him, that it's good to have the name on the bag, good advertising. Then the man says, "Yah, but I don't want to be known as the ED man." He pushes the drug for erectile dsyfunction. He was so uncomfortable that I just had to laugh; I couldn't contain it. Can you imagine?
Last night I went out with the girls. More on that in a later entry. Baby crying and older son trying to put the pacifier in his mouth which causes more harm than good. Stevie loves Ryan, and I am happy about that, but he's always bugging him, even when he sleeps. I guess it could be worse!

Trying to Be Perfect, But Not in All Ways

Now that I am feeling better, I have switched to perfectionist mode. The house needs to be picked up, the sink scrubbed daily with a brush, because some germ expert on Oprah said it is the only way to truly get rid of all bacteria, children dressed in nice clothes, laundry done folded/hung perfectly--no wrinkles now that mama is back doing the laundry! I have even taken to spot treating the carpet, and I must say I am doing a good job of that because all spots are gone. Of course, the spots will be back again by next week, prompting me to ask myself why the hell do I even bother? Now I did this whole perfectionism thing the last time I had PPD and began feeling better and it backfired on me. So, Jeff and I are trying to get me to slow down. After all, Rome wasn't built in a day! Why I do this to myself I don't know. Part of it is a way for me to control my environment. And we all know when I feel in control, I feel a lot better. Plus, I feel like Jeff did so much when I was sick that I ought to do something for him to make his life a bit easier now that I am feeling better and he's back at work. You'd think I'd learn.

On another note, I am not doing the 'right things' with Ryan all the time. I am allowing him to nap with me in bed. We cuddle and I love it! Stephen never napped in our bed. Hell, even when Steve was sick he wasn't allowed in our bed! I swore that no kid would ever be in my bed. Yes, I am currently choking on those words:) Now Ryan has never slept with us at night, and I vow he never will. And as soon as Ryan is a mover when he sleeps, well, that will end our napping together sessions. I don't like to be kicked while I sleep. I know having him nap with me doesn't help him to nap on the weekends when I don't nap. Oh well, I'm not perfect. It's funny how with my second child I am less rigid. I am enjoying the little things more, and not sweating the small stuff as much. I think it's because I know it's not the end of the world if something doesn't go exactly as it 'should.' I know there's room for error.

Stephen just loves his brother. It is too darn cute! He is always hugging and kissing him. He wants Ryan to go everywhere with us. There is very little jealously right now. I am so proud of Stephen! Being a mom of two is easier in ways and harder in others, but I love it. It is such a relief to have my family, my two babies. When I look in the back of the van and see two little boys, I smile and my heart feels lighter. We did it, we really did it. We never gave up, and look at the rewards. I have the family I always wanted. I am done having babies. Now I can just enjoy living my life with Jeff and our boys. How wonderful!

Never Say Never

I said I'd never sleep with my child, and until yesterday I never have. Yesterday I needed a nap like nobody's business. I decided if I could get a few minutes of shut-eye by having Ryan next to me in bed, Stephen was napping, then gosh darn-it I was going to do it, and I did. I must say I didn't nap the greatest since I was worried about rolling over or hurting Ryan, but I did feel better able to function afterwards. Today Stephen decided he didn't want to nap, so I laid in bed with him. I thought it would help him fall asleep; it didn't. Did I mention Steve talks and hums to himself before falling asleep. Yah, that's about as conducive to sleeping as Jeff's snoring is, but I digress. So lesson learned: when you have multiple children you will do just about anything to get some sleep. Now, shhhhh....don't tell any of my family members that I slept with my children. I'd never live it down!

I Did It!

I took care of my two boys by myself! I was feeling down in the morning, but put in some calls to friend and family members and that seemed to help. However, my oldest son seems to be angry with me. The word of the day,"NO!!!!!!". He is upset that I cannot give him 100 percent of my time; that his brother has to be fed too. Makes me want to cry; I think he hates me right now. At least when Jeff was home he was getting some attention from someone often; well I can't do that by myself. My MIL brought lunch and that seemed to help him. Hopefully, tomorrow goes better in terms of his behavior.

My psychiatrist appt. went well. I really liked him and his nurse. I am on the right treatment regiment. I go back in two weeks and then won't have to see him for 6 months if everything is OK. The funny thing is that he asked what I thought of Tom Cruise's comment on Brooke Shield's taking an AD for her PPD. I told him that he was an ass; taking vitamins was not going to help me. He can take his scientology beliefs and shove them up his ass. He is not a woman, he has never given birth, and has no medical training so how can HE tell woman how to treat their PPD! Go make a movie or suck the face off of your young girlfriend, but stay out of the subject of PPD. You are an actor, nothing more.

On My Own

Tomorrow Jeff is going back to work. He's been home a month, and I have particularly enjoyed having him home. I generally enjoy having him around, but lately he's been my rock. My MIL is coming tomorrow afternoon with lunch, I want to see how I do on my own in the morning, and then is watching the kids while I go to my first psychiatrist appointment. YIKES! I am a bit nervous as I dread new situations, but this cannot be avoided. I am feeling better. I am ready to praise the drug companies as if it weren't for them I probably would be in the hospital right now. I remember five years ago when I had obviously been depressed because I was infertile, that when the topic of anti-depressants came up I was so against them. I said I didn't want to become dependent on them, that I'd handle it myself. Well, that time I did, but this time I couldn't. Why do I suck so much at being the mother of a newborn? Why can't I have a baby and just get on with it like so many other women seem to do? Why me? Why now?

I seriously thought that having another baby would solve everything that was wrong in my life. And when I was pregnant and missing my mom, I would just think about something that had to be done in preparation for the baby and do it. My hormones were even; I felt the best I had in years. Then I have the baby, feel an instant bond, and a week and a half later everything falls apart. I have never felt that bad before, not even when I had PPD with Steve.

So now that I feel better, it is time for Jeff to go back to work and for me to figure this mothering of two thing out. I am excited at this prospect and scared to death as well.

I'm Going to Be OK

Thursday turned out to be worse than Wednesday; the PPD is indeed back. However, this time I recognized it and sought help right away. My OB really took me seriously too, probably because when I talked tohisnurse I couldn't stop crying. That is SO unlike me; I am in control of my emotions. At any rate, the short version of the story is that I have a new therapist, a new AD and I meet for the first time with a Psychiatrist next week. Fun, huh? I think the AD is helping because I have been able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I now can do little things with my kids like reading a book, changing a diaper and getting them dressed. I actually was able to play with Steve this morning and he was so happy. Depression is like being in hell; that's how I describe it. I was so scared to be alone, that this would never go away. I now have hope that it will. I now can feel love for my little baby Ryan again. I never felt like harming myself or my children, which is the first thing medical providers ask you. I just felt so alone, so sad, so dark. Jeff is taking another week off. I am hoping to be stablized enough by then that he can go to work without worrying. His mom will be with me helping out as needed, so that is good. Both of our families have been great. I am not embarressed about the depression, having it. If you feel you or someone you know has PPD or clinical depression, please get help. Don't delay feeling better. My journey out of PPD has just begun, but I have faith that I will recover. I have to, for myself and my boys, not to mention my wonderful husband. I can't imagine recovering without him.

I'm Scared!

As my last entry states, I was feeling good. Hell, on Monday I felt great! Today I woke up teary eyed. Now in the last two weeks I've had my moments, but they always passed. Today it didn't pass, and as of 9:15PM, I am now going on about 12 hours of on and off crying and feeling like shit. Feeling how I felt when I had the PPD with Stephen. I keep telling myself that with Stephen I felt terrible from the moment he was born, and Ryan is already 2 weeks old. I mean what the hell is wrong with me? If this is PPD again I am really pissed. Pissed because I did EVERYTHING I could think of to make it not happen again. I am on two anti-depressants as well as oral progesterone, what more can I DO? We went to the cemetary to show my mom Ryan and I just cried. I NEED her; she helped me through this the last time. I am calling my OB tomorrow. I need to tell him what is going on as well as to tell him I only had a week and a half of bleeding, no bleeding for 5 days and now bleeding again. I am bottle-feeding. Are my hormones all fucked up? Is this normal? Can someone offer me their opinion here? I am not sure what normal is after having a baby.