Now that I am feeling better, I have switched to perfectionist mode. The house needs to be picked up, the sink scrubbed daily with a brush, because some germ expert on Oprah said it is the only way to truly get rid of all bacteria, children dressed in nice clothes, laundry done folded/hung perfectly--no wrinkles now that mama is back doing the laundry! I have even taken to spot treating the carpet, and I must say I am doing a good job of that because all spots are gone. Of course, the spots will be back again by next week, prompting me to ask myself why the hell do I even bother? Now I did this whole perfectionism thing the last time I had PPD and began feeling better and it backfired on me. So, Jeff and I are trying to get me to slow down. After all, Rome wasn't built in a day! Why I do this to myself I don't know. Part of it is a way for me to control my environment. And we all know when I feel in control, I feel a lot better. Plus, I feel like Jeff did so much when I was sick that I ought to do something for him to make his life a bit easier now that I am feeling better and he's back at work. You'd think I'd learn.
On another note, I am not doing the 'right things' with Ryan all the time. I am allowing him to nap with me in bed. We cuddle and I love it! Stephen never napped in our bed. Hell, even when Steve was sick he wasn't allowed in our bed! I swore that no kid would ever be in my bed. Yes, I am currently choking on those words:) Now Ryan has never slept with us at night, and I vow he never will. And as soon as Ryan is a mover when he sleeps, well, that will end our napping together sessions. I don't like to be kicked while I sleep. I know having him nap with me doesn't help him to nap on the weekends when I don't nap. Oh well, I'm not perfect. It's funny how with my second child I am less rigid. I am enjoying the little things more, and not sweating the small stuff as much. I think it's because I know it's not the end of the world if something doesn't go exactly as it 'should.' I know there's room for error.
Stephen just loves his brother. It is too darn cute! He is always hugging and kissing him. He wants Ryan to go everywhere with us. There is very little jealously right now. I am so proud of Stephen! Being a mom of two is easier in ways and harder in others, but I love it. It is such a relief to have my family, my two babies. When I look in the back of the van and see two little boys, I smile and my heart feels lighter. We did it, we really did it. We never gave up, and look at the rewards. I have the family I always wanted. I am done having babies. Now I can just enjoy living my life with Jeff and our boys. How wonderful!
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