Sex!!! (Do I Have Your Attention?)

I mentioned before, several times when I was pregnant, that after Ryan was born we were done, DONE, with having children. The years of stress from the miscarriages, infertility, surgeries for endometriosis that 'is not very advanced--stage 2 at most and unlikely the reason why you're not getting pregnant', but causing me so much damn pain I couldn't even take care of Steve when I got my period!, two pregnancies, one emergency c-section after a day of labor in which the epidural did not work, one planned c-section and the raising of two children simultaneously, have just been too much for me to even consider doing it all again. So the decision was made that after I gave birth to Ryan, Jeff was getting the big V., funny how insurance will cover THAT, and I would continue to take the pill to keep my endo. from getting worse. We knew Jeff would not get the 'snip-snip' right away, but I was going to take the pill so everything was just rosy there. Actually, there was no need to worry. Come to find out, when you have PPD and two children, one who does not sleep, there really is no sex happening anyway, thus no chance for pregnancy.

Well, it took almost 4 months for me to feel as good as I am right now, knock on wood. After I took the pill for two months, I remember why I didn't like it. I had NO libido at all, not just no desire to have sex because I was too tired, I mean I felt a-sexual. I had zero interest in sex. Plus, I was feeling some of the pains from the endo., minor, and with the depression still not getting better, I decided to go off the pill. Soon I wanted to be 'intimate' with my husband, which definitely helped the marriage. Not to say that we were having any problems, we really weren't, but you know what they say about all work and no play.... The first time I felt the inkling to have sex with my hubby, I looked in the cabinet and found the Trojans we bought 4 weeks after Steve was born. Yep, four weeks. Remember I had a c-section. Those parts weren't hurting a bit. And as a side-note here, with Steve's pregnancy I was on modified bedrest, meaning no sex for the whole pregnancy. At any rate, we were ready fairly soon after I had Steve! So I sent Jeff to the store where he bought those condoms, and you know what: we never used them. AND.........we never got pregnant!!! OK, so back to my point here. We had condoms, I had planned to use the condoms because I am so against another pregnancy, but get this, we didn't use them. Jeff didn't have an issue with using them, I just felt like 'what's the point?' Plus, I must admit I hate condoms. I just do. I feel one of the benefits of being married is that you don't have to use them. I ended up getting my period almost two weeks later, on Ryan's Christening Day. Remember that day? Yep, them were good times!

Well, during my period I remembered that I had my fertility monitor and almost a box of unused sticks in my drawer. Now I still had no desire to get pregnant, mind you. I decided to use it, the sticks are soon to expire anyway, to find out when I am ovulating. I mean, that's useful information, isn't it? No matter, that I can tell you when I am ovulating within a day of it happening, usually less. Remember, I am a former infertility patient. I know the signs of ovulation better than most doctors. It's true. Ask my RE. So I must ask myself, what the heck am doing? Maybe it's just an obsession. I can't leave infertility/fertility alone. I laugh at myself when I look at my cm and can identify how 'fertile' I am on that given day. I think it's just a habit, a hard habit to break. Oh, wait. I hear the band 'Chicago' singing that song. The lyrics are true.....Hey infertility, 'being without you takes a lot of getting used to....'

Sorry about that, are you still with me???? I remember thinking when a friend of mine who went through infertility prior to having her twins, got pregnant and was upset about it, that it musn't have been the worst thing that she felt could have happened to her or she would have been using birth control. And ironically, is that a word?, I am now the one not using birth control. I know several people, people who did IVF, who got pregnant naturally after having their children. Funny thing is, two of those friends went through IVF again to have a second child and none of the cycles worked. So they just decided to accept their status as a mother of one. And then POOF, well it took a little bit, they end up pregnant, and they didn't m/c. So you'd think I 'd know better. I mean after all we've gone through, plus the fact that after having a second pregnancy I am so over wanting to experience another. Add in that my PPD was worse this time, and as a fellow blogger has said, PPD has caused me to miss too much already. Do I really want to risk it? Do I want to risk another bout of PPD, possibly worse this time? Another year of getting the weight off and feeling not as good about my appearance as I'd like to. Another turn at morning sickness, exhaustion that I could feel down to my bones, and this time with a child that does not nap. You know, I think if I had had a girl this time I would have already had Jeff get that vascetomy. Isn't that crazy??? I just continue to think about what I am missing without my mom around, and all that I will be missing out on when my children are grown. I will have no daughter to pass on my words of wisdom to. No way to pass things on , and I don't mean material things. And I am embarressed to admit this, but I am afraid that if I live to an old age, and God forbid Jeff is not with me, who will take care of me? What if my daughters-in-law don't like me, and I end up alone in a state- run nursing home. It makes me shudder to think about it! The funny thing is that I can hear my mom saying to me right now, as she often would when I'd get ahead of myself, "Bev, why are you worrying about this now?" My answer, "I don't know." I do know that I should not get pregnant again, and yet no matter how slight, there is a possibility that I might since I am not preventing it. My doctors would be horrified. But my husband, ever the Pollyanna that he is, said, "Wouldn't it be funny to send my parents a Christmas card next year that read, 'By the way, we had another kid'? Gotta love my husband. He can turn a bad situation into a potentially not so bad situation. But really I still have to ask myself: What am I doing????