What Woman Do

I have been faithfully going to the gym. I have been happy about this, and even happier when I saw the numbers on the scale moving in the right direction. Today, however, upon stepping on the scale I noticed those same numbers going right back to where I started from. Which could mean two things. 1. I was mistaken last week by what I saw. or 2. I have gained back the same weight. I'm betting on #2. Lovely. It doesn't help that there were young people at the gym today, AKA 'younger than me'. You know, women the age which can actually wear sweatpants with words on them, and not get laughed at for thinking they are younger than they are. Being me, I always seem to compare myself to people I shouldn't; I think most women do. I looked at this girl, then at myself, and thought what an out-of-shape, muffin-topped mom I have become. When did that change? I mean I feel like I'm young, but obviously I am not. At any rate, this girl uses a machine I had wanted to try. I thought it was the old butterfly machine, my favorite machine from my high school and college years. You can tell where this is going, right? Yah, I tried that machine, and either I am too short or just oddly shaped, but whatever it is, I know I looked like a fool! And guess who was looking at me? Yep, her. I felt so old, and so out of shape. And no, it was not the butterfly machine. I found that machine later, but my confidence was already damaged, thus I was not willingly to possibly look like a fool again.

I was used to be the thin one, I think everyone has something unique about them. Some people are the funny one, the serious one, the brilliant one, the sexy one, etc. Well, I was the thin one, and I no longer qualify for that title. I don't know what's unique about me anymore. I know in my head that comparing yourself to a 21-year old is just a lose-lose proposition. Of course, there will be less sagg, less dimples, less weight. I know I had two large babies, and I'm not 21 anymore no matter how young I feel sometimes. Most days these things really don't bother me, but I'm menstrual, and majorly hormonal, so today this has been bothering me. I tell myself exercising is more about how I feel than how I look, and it is, but I just wish I could visibly SEE the changes already. No, patience is not my strong point. I feel like I'm doing this for nothing. I'm not thinner, I'm not any more tone, and I still have the pooch belly. I'm a failure. I pushed back buying capris and the like because I figured my shape would be changing, so why waste the money. Tomorrow, I'm going to buy two pairs of capris and two pairs of sandles. I'm going to try to come to terms with the fact that I'm not ever going to look like I want to look, or like I used to. Maybe, I'll even stick by the older people at the gym. I always feel thinner when I'm with them.