How Infertility Has Led Us to This Decision

I am feeling better now. Thank you God for that! And thanks to you all who responded about my reluctance about the vasectomy. I think teachermom hit the nail on the head. I have been thinking about having babies for so long that it really is hard to switch gears. We went down the long road of infertility where I just wanted a baby so badly. My mind was always on babies. I just couldn't think beyond that. Whether I was at work or at home, or at a party, or at dinner, you get the idea, my mind was always focused on babies. I was always researching the best options, success rates and treatments. Anything that meant failure was devastating to me. I remember writing that I was losing myself, that I barely remembered who I was anymore before the infertility. It affected my feminity, my optimism, my whole life. It consumed me.

Before the infertility, if I worked hard at something, I succeeded. The key was to work hard. Guys, I truly worked harder at getting pregnant than I had most things in my life up until that point. The very first month we tried to get pregnant, I bought and used an ovulator prediction test. I am a very goal-orientated person, and I wanted to get pregnant, so let's just figure out when I'm ovulating and hit this ball out of the park, so to speak! Hubby even asked me when we could tell people we were pregnant, and this was before we had even started trying! Imagine my surprise when we didn't get pregnant that first month. I was angry! I told hubby that I was so mad that we weren't going to try the next month. Yah, I really set myself up for disappointment pretty early on in the game. By month four, I was furious at my body. I was sure it had to be my fault. I must have done something wrong. So the charting began. The only thing that accomplished was it proved to me that I already knew my body very well. I then decided to bring in the big guns, and bought a fertility monitor. Guess what? I wasted over $200 because it told me exactly the same thing that I already knew! I have perfect 28-29 day cycles. I ovulated between day 13 and day 15. My lutueal phase was at least 13 days long. We were having sex at the right times. So why was I not getting pregnant?

I won't bore you with my saga any longer. Let's sum it up this way. Three fertility doctors, one surgery, one miscarriage, and four clomid cycles later and my first son was conceived and born. After him, the tot took two clomid/iui's, three Follistim/iui's, one unsuccessful surgery and one IVF cycle to conceive. Oh, and my IVF bloodwork told me my FSH level had gone through the roof to the high number of 13, 8 is considered 'high average'. Oh, and my IVF was nearly cancelled due to a poor response. I feel like I had PTSD after the whole infertility nightmare. BTW, Tot was a twin; I lost his sibling. However, other than losing the twin, Tot's pregnancy was so close to normal. S.'s came complete with two bleeding episodes, loads of ultrasounds at the local hospital where I became on a first name basis with the staff, and modified bedrest.

So why get a vasectomy if we never could get pregnant in the first place??? Many people have asked me this question. After going through years of disappointment, I need to know it is all over. I still wonder every month when I get my period, why I am not pregnant. With the exception of that one ill-fated attempt to use a condom which resulted in a UTI, I haven't used birth control in 6 years, and I have not gotten pregnant. Plus, I figure now that I'm getting close to accepting that it will/should not happen that it will indeed finally happen. I figure I'll be 40 years old, and finally moving on in my life and that is when I'll get pregnant, or something like that. We just need to take the whole 'pregnancy thing' off the table and heal from all of this. We have our two children and now we need to move on. Yes, I have been honest about the fact that it would be easier for me to accept if I had a baby girl, but God has His reasons for giving me two boys.
There were times I felt I would never get to other side of infertility, but I did. And I am thankful, so thankful, that I did.