As most of you know, hubby and I decided that after the birth of our second child that he was going to undergo a vasectomy. We made this decision while I was pregnant with the Tot. We were going to have no more babies and that felt very good. A few months ago I began nagging hubby to make his consult. appt. and get this party started. I was sure, damn sure, that I was never going through the whole pregnancy, birth and postpartum period again. I mean it is obvious that I don't do the whole newborn stage well!
As I began to feel better, my resolve to have no more children got even stronger. I NEVER wanted to feel as bad as I did after I gave birth to the Tot. Physically I felt super, mentally I was a wreck for a very long time. The weight did not magically melt off me this time. The spare tire was not budging. As Tot got older, and I felt better, we were having fun. Life got easier, not easy, just easier. It was then that I discovered that I really couldn't do the whole three kids thing well. Two was just enough, thank you very much. And sometimes I wondered what the hell I was complaining about when I had just one. But I digress. Two made me feel complete, and was the most my control-centered-self could handle. Hats off to you moms who can parent well with 3+ kids! I just can't.
Soon I decided that I needed to DO something about my weight. Complaining about it wasn't helping, and my self-esteem was going down every time I looked at my stomach. So I joined the gym, and my tummy has improved. I still have a hard time accepting that I will never look like I did before I had kids, but I do look better than before. As I would run, or lift weights and sweat, sweat, sweat, I would think I am finally getting my body back and I am definitely not going to start all over again! I work my ass off. And I feel better mentally as well as physically.
So I was surprised when I felt a sense of loss when the tot turned one. I remember looking at the baby bedding and clothes that day, and thinking that I will never get to buy all that again. I will never get to hold my own baby again. Wasn't I the new mom not that long ago? And reading peoples' birth announcements and stories makes my mind go foggy, and I think about being pregnant and giving birth.
And then I feel what I am not supposed to feel. I have two beautiful, healthy little boys, but I will never have a daughter. I will never have the little girl that I always thought I'd have. I will never have that mother-daughter bond. Who will take care of me in my old age? My boys' wives? I hope they like me. I don't want to be the bitch mother-in-law. Yes, I am already worried about that! I wanted a daughter, and I have two boys. I can't imagine NOT having my two boys, and I can't imagine having a third child. So there you go. I feel guilty for even thinking this. Especially because I know that we almost didn't have a second child. I thank God for IVF, and for the fact that we could afford to pay for it, otherwise we would have no Tot.
I also know that I have to come to terms with the fact that I shouldn't have another child. With my PPD worsening after each birth, I wonder what would happen to me mentally if I had another child. I know it would not be good, and I have my sons to take care of. My two healthy boys.
You'd think it was my hubby who would be having problems with this. Nope. He has a surgery date all set up. I guess it's the finality of it that is causing me to pause. I know it's likely I would never get pregnant again, but with the vasectomy, I know for SURE I will never have a baby again. It's the right decision, so why do I feel like I'm losing something?
3 comments:
Because you're human. Every couple I know has remorse when they've gone through it. It's a loss. Just part of the program. If you know it's right, then it is and you just have to deal with the residual emotions.
I have to agree with mb. I think it is just a natural feeling. If you truly feel that you could not handle another one and your PPD is that bad then you know whats best and I am sure you will work through it. Even if you changed your mind you could always have another boy and not get the girl that you want anyway so Im sure you are doing the best thing for you!
Thank you Sandi for your comment. I know you understand having been there and all.
Tonya and MB, yep I think everyone feels this way having gone through it. I just have to do what is right for me, and remember I am not guaranteed a girl, or even a pregnancy for that matter, anyway!
Laura, you are right. I have been wanting a baby for so long that it does take a while to get out of that frame of mind. I also know that i would be so ready for the big V. if we had one of each.
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