Sunglasses Are For More Than Blocking the Sun

Today my entire family went to church with us. It was a gorgeous day, and our church was holding its' service outside. This is the third year we have done this; all gather together on the third Sunday of August. You see, my mom's birthday is the 22nd, and we still celebrate it even though she is no longer here with us. It was very nice having my brother and his family, as well as my dad and his wife attend church with us. This is the church my mother attended, as well as my husband and family.

We always go to a nice brunch nearby and talk and eat. Last year I was still battling the postpartum depression demon, but this year I was marketedly calmer and happier. Everything was going very well. We ate and talked, and looked at wedding pictures. Then we all loaded up our cars to drive to the cemetary. Somehow I had forgotten that we would do that. I figured I would go on her birthday and bring a pink rose from the bush I planted in her memory. But, no, we were going as a family, which we usually do. I must confess that I really don't like going to the cemetary.

This year my dad decided the kids, with the exception of my boys, were old enough to hear the letters written by my mother to them. So after we put some roses in her vase, my dad started reading. Now my nephew has always been a sensitive boy, my mom was right about that, but you know how it is with 10 year olds, they don't want to show their emotions. Course, this 33 year old doesn't like to show her emotions either, so I understand! The letter that my mom wrote to him was beautiful, and I could see the tears in his eyes. He's the oldest grandchild, and was very close to my mom, and he remembers the most. At any rate, my dad read the letters to the rest of the grandchildren. My mom even wrote one to S. and any future grandchildren she may have. She spoke about how long we tried to have him and how much we love him. She talked about how she can tell I am a good mother to him. And she talked about not knowing how long she'd get to watch him grow. That is what I think struck my nephew the most. She told him that she didn't know if she'd be able to watch him grow up. She didn't know how long this disease would let her live. But she wanted all of the children to know how loved they were, and how wonderful their parents are. She even wrote a letter to my sister-in-law and husband telling them how special she thought they were, and how much she loved them as well. There was more that she wrote, but it is pretty personal. I have covered the jist of things. Afterwards, my dad took my nephew to the side. Upon his return, my nephew was sobbing. It about broke my heart. It was then that I felt my eyes tear up, and was happy that I had left my sunglasses on. Because, you know, sunglasses are for more than blocking the sun. Sometimes they are for keeping your emotions to yourself, for hiding the tears. It's been over three years, but I still miss my mom terribly. My mom is dead, and sometimes all I can think of is how much it sucks.