Would I Do It Again??? Would You???

A few days ago, hubby and I were watching a special on infertility and the risks associated with fertility medications. Basically, they featured a couple who had ungone IVF and a man whose wife had taken Clomid. They talked with renowned fertility specialists, and a former FDA employee who oversaw fertility drugs. The focus was on the long-term side effects from taking these drugs.

The man whose wife had taken Clomid was talking about his wife. She had died from ovarian cancer, and they both believed that she had developed this disease from the Clomid that she injested. Her wishes were for him to continue to educate people on the risks of fertility meds.

The couple who had a daughter conceived via IVF talked about their desire to have children. They discussed the primal urge to have children. How the want to have children becomes magnified once you are told that you may never have any. They talked about the IVF procedure. How 'wacky' the drugs make you feel. In between this couple, the renowned IVF doctor speaks. He speaks about studies and inconclusive evidence and such medical jargon. He talks about informed consent. You know, telling your patient that there MAY be a greater likelihood that she will develop ovarian cancer, but the evidence thus far has shown no increased risk although previous studies have shown the opposite. They say the bottom line is that they just don't know, but they don't believe that the risk exists. Oh, and then you get a form to sign saying that yes, I understand that I may die of ovarian cancer, but then again,...... maybe I won't.......
Welcome to assisted reproduction 2006.

The IVF couple talked about how they barely looked at the form before they signed it. They both stated that they would have done anything to have a child. The reporter asked if it was all worth it to them. They answered unequivocally, "YES." They would do it again. In fact, they were in the middle of a cycle right then.

As I was doing errands this morning I asked myself if I would do it all over again. My answer? An unequivical YES! All of the pills, progesterone injections, shots, and shots and more shots, the egg retrieval, the transfer as well as all of the blood-draws were worth it to me, end of story. I have journals full of my feelings during the infertility treatments, and they are heartbreaking. I don't think anything else ever made me feel as powerless and out-of-control as infertility did.

After I conceived our oldest child through Clomid/IUI I went through all of the clinic stuff I had been given about IVF. I declared then that if I had to do IVF to get pregnant, then our son would be any only child! Ha! Never say never. The desire to have a child, to have a sibling for our son turned into desperation overnight. To have cycle after cycle fail, and then to be left with the one treatment that scared me the most as our only option, well I didn't even have to think about it. Risk of ovarian cancer? Where do I sign??? To me it was a non-issue. I mean 20 years down the road when asked why I didn't at least try IVF, and all I would be able to come up with would be ovarian cancer, and even that was debatable? No. I would risk it. Because every day you risk a little something. But that is what life is. When I see my boys smile at each other in the morning when they wake up, I think,"Dear God, I almost missed out on this."

So today, as I pondered IVFs worth, I thought of all that I had risked for the chance to be a mother, particulary during my IVF cycle. I risked cysts, heachaches, 'minor' pain at the injection site, emotional pain, exacerbating my endometriosis, a theoretical increased risk of breast cancer, and now a possible risk of ovarian cancer. The risk of another bout of postpartum depression. This one could be worse than the last. But had I not done the treatments I knew what would happen. I would never have a/another child. To me that was far worse than any hypothetical risk could ever be. That was a known risk, not a hypothetical one. And like infertility, you either get cancer or you don't. A 10% risk or a 30% risk, those are just numbers. They don't mean anything. Because in the infertility business, you either get pregnant or you don't. The odds don't mean anything really. The numbers are mere numbers. If 'the numbers' were right I would have never held the Tot. My RE would never have 'written my success against the odds" down. No one knows why I was able to get pregnant with the Tot when everything in that IVF cycle looked like crap. And no one could tell me why I had not gotten pregnant prior to that. Why? Because no one really knows why some people get pregnant and some don't. And besided a family history, no one knows for sure why some women get breast or ovarian cancer and some don't.

So, look at your children. Were they worth all you went through to have them? Even if you didn't undergo infertility treatments, the decision and following events are never easy ones when they involve children. Life is full of risks. Some known and some unknown. I, for one, don't want to live my life with regrets, so I chose to try everything I could to have a child. And yes, I would do it all over again. In a heartbeat.