The Two Sides of Motherhood

Hubby and I have been revisiting the idea of hiring another sitter. My brain/mind knows this is the right thing for me to do. However, my heart believes that I should be able to take care of my children myself. That I shouldn't need help. The following is what goes on in my mind when I think about the topic of a sitter. I love bulleting, so I'll use it here. It's more organized, and I just love being organized!

• The first thing I think about is how I should be able to 'handle' taking care of my children. I mean generations of woman have done it!

Then I think about the fact that many women had help. They had family members that lived close by. I have no one. My mom is dead, my in-laws are not in the picture, my dad and his wife work, and my brother has his own three kids to deal with. Many women that I talk to have someone like that to help them. I do not, so hiring someone shouldn't make me feel weak. Admitting I need help is not a bad thing.

I tell myself that I could be saving money, or at least buying something I'd enjoy like the clothes I so desperately need, by not hiring a sitter.

Then I think what better way to spend money than to hire someone who will help me save my sanity. I was happier when I could go to the gym or even do errands sans kids. It will also allow hubby and I to have some time alone together which has not happened in over two MONTHS. That is a good thing for our marriage, thus it's good for our children.

• Who do you think you are? You are not rich, you are not part of 'that' crowd. What are you trying to prove?

I'm trying to prove that I need my sanity, and time away from my kids helps. It's only 8-10 hours a week. I'm with them all the remaining hours.

• S. is at preschool. You have five hours less time with him a week. That should help.

Yes, I have five hours less with S., but I still have Tater Tot. Plus, it's only FIVE hours less. That's not a whole bunch.

And the list goes on... I essentially feel a lot of guilt over wanting a sitter. The truth is that I could take care of my children myself, I just am not a happy person when I do not receive any breaks. My unhappiness affects my children, I'm sure, and it definitely affects my husband and my relationship. His work hours are never going to get less. I have listened to him tell me that things will slow down after ( x, y, z ), and it never does. Just yesterday, he told me that he had a meeting on Thursday at 5PM. This is my workout night. Remember, I feel so much better after I work out. It is very important, and something I can only manage to do two times a week lately. Well, now it's down to one day this week. That isn't going to cut it. Again. I'm not mad at hubby or his work, it's just the situation that I am mad at. I am always the one who has to change my plans. I'm a stay at home mom, so my time isn't a priority. My time is more flexible, and it doesn't pay the bills, so I have to change. I only wonder how in the hell I'm going to go back to work? Hubby goes on business trips, usually out of the country, works long hours and basically can't be depended on to be able to make it home at a predetermined time. Like yesterday, a meeting was called at the last minute. Of course, he had to go, it's his job. I am just beginning to wonder when it will be MY turn. And the truth is, I don't ever think my turn will come.

I Highly Recommend Melissa & Doug Products...

We had a small problem with ONE block in a set of blocks we purchased on Amazon.com. The company who makes them is Melissa & Doug. Last week, I was e-mailed a survey askeing me to rate the product. I wrote about the ONLY problem I had. Two days later, I have a representative from Melissa & Doug calling me to inquire about the problem, and the result was they are going to send me a whole new set! I thought maybe they'd send me one block or tell me how to fix it, but no. The man, Fran, seemed very concerned about my being satisfied with their product. Guys, I never expected anything to result from my survey comment. I really didn't. Them giving me free stuff actually made me feel guilty. I mean it was only ONE block. However, I will tell you this. I am definitely going to buy more Melissa &Doug products, and highly recommend them to you. Obviously, they take care of their customers and their customer service is first rate!

My First Baby

It's hard to believe S. is almost four years old, and in preschool! As I drove up the first time, I thought I'd have no problem. I mean, I had been looking forward to this day for a long time, and so had he! However, emotions are a funny thing. They sneak up on you in ways you never expected. As I, in my van, waited in the line of other cars I felt something in my throat. That's odd, I thought. I'm not going to be one of those parents. You know, the ones who can't seem to cut the cord already! Then I started to remember my little boy. I remembered seeing him for the first time, how inept I was at being a mom in the beginning, how it was just the two of us after my mom died and hubby went back to work. It was always the two of us. He became my buddy, my best friend. There were times when I only wanted to be around him. He didn't 'expect' me to snap out of my pain, nor put on a huge show of how wonderful everything was. With him, I was free to be who I really was at that time. He just wanted his mommy close by. He just wanted mommy to play with him, or sing and dance with him. Sometimes I had to turn on the radio so I wouldn't lose it and cry over missing my mom. S. to this day, still loves music. And now the Tot does too. They both dance when they hear music on.

So, the first day of organized schooling caught me a bit off-guard. I know that S. can be difficult at times, but the truth is this boy has changed my life in the best ways possible. He has made me a better person. Thus, as I try to mold him into a caring, respectful, intelligent, and confident young man, he is doing the same to me. I definitely am more confident, loving and empathetic, and I have my first baby to thank for that.

***Teachermom, notice how there is no date on the picture of S. Thought you'd like that:)

Something Good Did Come Out of It

Last night, before my period finally arrived, hubby said he had a surprise for me. I thought maybe a candy bar or the like, which would have been sweet. When I turned around, hubby had these new Sony headphones for my MP3 Player. My old ones allow all sorts of noises to come through, so I have to turn it up louder to hear the music. This one blocks out extraneous noises, so I don't lose my hearing as a result of turning the music up so loud.

When he gave it to me, I said,"Oh, you feel bad, don't you?" He kind-of smiled, and said,"No... (unconvincingly)...I was going to give it to you for Christmas and I couldn't wait." He knew how bad me being pregnant and subsequently giving birth would be for all of us.

Later, when I got my period, we laughed and I said,"Yah, if I had been pregnant, I would have told them to just wheel me off to the pysch. unit. No use in sending me home." Hubby then said,"Well, they're both on the second floor. They'd just have to wheel you to the other side. Hey, maybe THAT'S why the maternity and psych. unit are on the same floor." Yah, because maybe I'm not the only one who loses her mind after having kids.

The big lesson learned here is that the hubster needs to go have that ol' semen analysis done. It's been two months since the big V. It's time. And THIS TIME when I mentioned that to hubby, he didn't get all snippy, and 'When am I going to find the time' on me. Nope. This time he said, "Yah, I do." And he WILL. This I know.

Answers

It appears, like MB said, my cycle must just be changing. Four days late. I broke down and bought a test, almost bought the ovulation prediction test, and took it. Result? No second line, which apparently means I am not pregnant. The reason I say it like that is that my fav. HPT, First Response, has now put a label right ON the stick with a diagram showing what one line looks like and that it equals not pregnant and vice-versa. How dumb do they think we are?! At any rate 3 hours after I took said pregnancy test, I finally got my period. Like I said before, me buying a pregnancy test is simply wasted money. So glad to be almost $15.00 poorer. Yes, I bought the two pack. What a damn moron am I! (I AM a relieved moron, though.)

***To add insult to injury, I just went on Old Navy.com to order a pair of jeans I tried on the other day, in my size. They didn't have my size in the length I need. I am 5'4", which puts me on the border between petite and normal. This has always caused me problems! At any rate, I figured it would be no big deal to order them online, but alas, I was wrong! So now that I am definitely not pregnant and can officially buy a new pair of jeans, but wait, I can't! Can I catch a break here! By the way, yet I am beyond relieved, I feel kind-of stupid. Why would I think that I, infertile mrytle, could actually get pregnant by having sex with my husband. What was I thinking!

Missed Period, Questions

Good Morning! I am about 3-4 days late. Yep, late. As in going to be the bathroom, please let my period start, late. Now I have shared our infertility story here several times. We are about as infertile as infertile can be. Hubby even had a vasectomy in July. Now he has not produced a sample to be tested yet, but his sperm never got me pregnant before, so we pretty much aren't concerned. Yes, we had unprotected sex. At what I think was ovulation time. To give you more info. than you'd like, I had EWCM, wow it's been awhile since I've used infertility acronyms! I also tend ot be more 'in the mood' around that time, which we affectionately coined as sex week. Now if we were a normal fertile couple, I'd tend to believe that there was a chance I was pregnant, but we're not, so I doubt that. I must say, though, I'm kind-of scared here guys. I have never missed a period unless I had a cyst or was pregnant. Those cysts always came as a result of taking fertility drugs. Obviously, I am NOT taking any fertility drugs! I joked with hubby yesterday about the urologist 'fixing' things down there instead of cutting them. We had a good laugh about that. Hubby asked if he should run out and get a pregnancy test just to be 'sure', but I told him I didn't want to waste the money. Besides, I shouldn't even be having to think about pregnancy tests. So no test, no money wasted. We both didn't sleep well last night.

Hubby even called this morning, and wondered if things had started this morning. He asked the nicest way possible. It is kind-of funny for the both of us to be hoping my period starts when for years it was the opposite. As hubby said, if I were pregnant, it was definitely because a higher power wanted for it to be.

I really doubt that I am pregnant. Really. However, if I am I'm a little pissed because we went through so MUCH to get pregnant with the boys, and now that it would not be a good idea? POOF! I have come to terms with being a mom of boys. Am enjoying the boys even more now that they are getting older. I have finally gotten to a place with my body. It's okay, not great, but okay. In a few years I am going back to work. The light is there at the end of the tunnel. Why not let an infertile woman get pregnant. I certainly know how that feels.

***So question to woman who normally have regular, very regular cycles who were late once or twice and NOT pregnant. What was the reason you were late?****Question to ALL women who might know: What are reasons I could be late??? I'm not particularly stressed, no more than usual. I haven't lost a bunch of weight. I did start a new medication for my bladder aroung the time of ovulation. I have not exercised excessively. There has to be a reason! I don't feel like having to call my doctor up to have an ultrasound to check for cysts, or have a blood test to check my hormones. I am SO HAPPY to not have to go to the doctors anymore!!!

So please, anyone, why could I have missed my period??? Hopefully in a few hours I'll be able to post that my period came and the all is right again!!!

The Little Embryo That Could..and Did! (Posting late because blogger isn't letting me post pictures and I have finally given up!)

Two years and one day ago, I found out I was pregnant with the Tot. You know, the IVF cycle that never looked that great. And not only was I pregnant with one baby, I was pregnant with TWO!!! My levels were so high, my RE and the embyrologist thought that all three embryos had taken. We showed them! To think they about counted us out. Shame on them. Really, though, we were beginning to think the same.

I was so excited! Secretly, I had taken an HPT that I had left over from another cycle. I took it the Monday before the beta was going to be taken, which was a Wednesday. It instantly showed two pink lines. It showed a positive so fast that I thought the test must be defective. Off to Target I went!

Tuesday, I got the same result. I began to think that maybe I really did have a chance. Hubby wouldn't believe it until the doctor told us.

The ironic thing is that hubby ended up getting the stomach flu from the S., and stayed home from work that day. He was home when Dr. S. himself called with the good news. He also told me my HCG number was 479 !!! So my levels were already in the 200 range when I had taken my first HPT. No wonder it turned positive and dark right away! I remember the Dr. also saying to me,"You're thinking multiples with a number that high, aren't you? I am too." Hubby walked by our room that I was in, peeked his head in, and I gave him a shake of my head, and a thumbs up I believe, to tell him the news. How romantic! How did you tell your husband that you were pregnant? I shook my head yes. Well, I WAS on the phone at that point trying to get all the information. Two days later, I was throwing up. Hubby and I were worried about high order multiples at that point. I mean, getting sick at barely 4 weeks pregnant....does that EVEN happen??? But as weird things had been happening to us for awhile, we surely didn't count it out. Turns out I had gotten that lovely stomach flu strain. What fun that was!

I did end up getting morning sickness that was a lot worse than with my older son. That and a bruised ass from all of the progesterone injections. Worth every. single. bruise though.

I still have ultrasound pictures of the two babies. Those are bittersweet. I tend to look only at the ones of the Tot. I also have the petri dish they were conceived in, as well as the pictures of all three beautiful embryos. How many kids can say they have pictures of themselves at literally three days old?! That is a cool thing about IVF. What a wonderful day September 15, 2004 was! We found out about our Tot, and nine months later our family was complete.

You Know You're a Mom When...

your 1 year-old chews on your Coach purse handle and instead of thinking,'Oh, no. It'll be ruined now!' you think,'Oh, good! That'll give me 5 minutes of peace.'

A Brief Remembering of 9/11

So much has already been said about 9/11/01, probably better than I myself could say it, so I'm just going to use bullets to write about what I remember about that day. Background info., I was teaching 4th grade still and had no babies at that time.

• Heard about the first plane hitting the first tower while driving to work. Honestly believed that the plane must have made a mistake, such as flying too low.
• Just minutes after I walked into the teacher's lounge, I saw the second tower being hit, and instantly knew that was no mistake, we were under attack.
• Verbally said that I believed Osama Bin Laden was to behind it.
• Had to go upstairs to my classroom. Saw my fellow 4th grade teacher had her television on in her room. Her husband is an American Airlines pilot stationed in Miami, where the planes originated from. He also was set to fly to the east coast that morning; a very normal thing for him to do. She could not reach him by phone, and could not verify that he hadn't been the pilot of one of the planes. She was beyond numb and worried.
• Turned my tv off before the kids arrived.
• Talked about it with my students; probably more than I should have. I felt talking about it would help, because even the kids who didn't hear about it before school, would surely hear about it before they went home.
• Our principal went to every classroom telling us not to turn on our televisions, and not to talk about what happened. Parents were called and told they could pick their child up if they wanted to. Only one of my students was picked up early.
• Our school was on lock-down. No going outside to recess even though it was a gorgeous day. Try explaining THAT to the kids when you weren't supposed to be saying anything in the first place!
• Watched coverage at lunchtime with all the other staff members. It was completely quiet in the lounge except for that tv.
• Went home, and all I remember was when I got home there were no television stations that weren't broadcasting about the attacks. I talked to my mom I think.
• Hubby and I went out and bought an American flag and immediately put it up.
• Hubby had a business trip scheduled for the next day. I thought and hoped they would cancel it because I couldn't imagine not being able to set my eyes on him each night. Planes were discontinued, but he could travel by car.
• Giving my hubby my car, his car was having minor problems, because I wanted him to be as safe as he could be.
• We were supposed to have an Open House Night at school/work the next night. The board decided it should go on as planned.
• Walking into the school seeing the words God Bless America on a banner in front of the main entrance. Thought to myself, 'this is a public school. We aren't supposed ot have any mention of God in or near the school. No one complained.
• All of the area hospitals had cancelled their non-essential surgeries for a day or two. I thought, 'Great. I'm supposed to have my surgery on Friday to see why I can't get pregnant! Everything always goes wrong! I'm never going to have a child! Now I can't even adopt because of the state of the world! (Immediately felt guilty for thinking of myself.)
• My mom found out her cancer was back that week.

God bless all of those who died for our country. God bless the families and friends left behind. Most of all God Bless America!

I'm Just Wondering

Last week I went into my local convenient store to buy a fountain coke. Upon going down the candy aisle, hey last week was a bad one, I saw something I don't understand. There, across from the candy, was a section devoted to S*mmers Eve douches. I ask you, when is a woman going to need to purchase a douche at a time when her local grocery store or drugstore isn't open? I mean, really. At 2AM, have you ever had the NEED to feel fresh...right.....now???

Just Plain Weird!

Last night, and into this morning, I had the weirdest set of dreams. So weird, in fact, that when I got up I had to hug my husband.
In this dream, or nightmare more like, my husband who was my boyfriend only, broke up with me. We had been together eight years, and had even begun living together. I was having a very hard time with this, and my mother was the one comforting me. She even took me to get my hair done, and sat and talked with me. I discussed all of the things that I was going to miss about him, even sex. I felt so incredibly lonely! I talked about spending eight years with him, and not being so young anymore. That most people were married at my age, so how was I ever going to find someone else?
And then at the end, it turned out I was wrong. He was just mad at me; he hadn't broken up with me at all. I was so relieved and happy. I woke up feeling very unsettled. I liked talking with my mom, but the rest of the dream was awful. That creepy feeling has lingered.

Feeling Burned Out By My Job

Poor S. slammed his big toe in the back door on Saturday when daddy was with him. We thought all was fine, but S. complained about how much it hurt him, and then showed me that the nail was becoming detached. This was yesterday. I called the doctor pronto, as my son generally does not ask to go to the doctor. I brought him in today and was given instructions on how to clean and take care of it. The nail was still attached enough that the doctor didn't want to pull it off. She felt that it may turn black and fall off itself, which if it does, would end up being far less painful than her pulling it off as it was today. S. was fantastic at the doctor. Even the doctor and nurse commented on his behavior. Yah, I was proud! Then we left.

It just seems that having two kids means more whining and screaming and just noise in general. I foolishly though it would be a nice reward to take S. to get his favorite lunch: a toasted plain bagel with peanut butter on top. Yah, my kid thinks fruit is a dessert item too. Oh, and he turned down an offer by hubby for McDonald's on the weekend. I'm sure this will all change as he gets older! Anyway, something didn't go his way, and he threw himself on the floor and loudly cried. I was having trouble carrying everything, including the Tot, and then I had to deal with that. Shame on me for trying to make him happy.

I just have hit a wall recently. I love my children with all my heart, but to be honest, I'm not happy staying home anymore. Now yes, there are days when I count my blessings that I could be there for a certain event or when one of the kids learns something new. It is great to be able to see it the first time it happens. But I have been doing this for four years. Putting myself last. If hubby works late, then I work late. By the end of the day, I am tired and could use an extra pair of hands. Don't you have a babysitter, you ask? Not anymore. She had the gall to get a teaching job...I am really happy for her, but she was an incredible help! As I've said before, my hubby works very long hours, which are going to get longer now that the summer is over. I am drained. I come last. I feel invisible. I feel like I have no identity that is my own. I am someone's mother, and someone's wife. And while I am so happy to be both those things, I long to have something that is just mine. Something that gets my juices flowing again.

As it is now, if I want to go to an event I have to pack the kids and take them with me. Which doesn't seem so bad until you take into account how freakin' long it takes to get everyone ready and out of the house. I do have things I attend that have child care, and that is so wonderful. But like I said, it is an all morning production to get out of the door. I am also extremely organized. Everything that can be done the night before is done. Clothes out, bag packed, heck I even have their breakfast layed out ready to add milk to and mix up. Sippy cups are even filled with milk so I can just hand it to them while I unload the dishwasher, and try to eat something myself, and then get ready. So I don't know how to make my mornings go any smoother.
And tonight, Hubby and I are going to a parenting class at our church, where they also have childcare for the babies and classes for the kids. S. LOVES it! However, Hubby will have to meet me there at 6:45. Which means I am in charge of getting everyone fed, ready, packed and out the door, as well as to their respective classrooms while at the same time making sure that I ate something, oh, and hoping that I make it to my class on time without smelling bad because I have sweat so badly.

Sorry to gripe. I just had to get this out. I know hubby was oh so happy to hear it earlier. I want a date with my husband, I want a reason to dress nicely again. I want to be respected. The problem is how do I make it happen?

Did I Do Better This Time???

Attempt#1 (Above)---I groomed my little Shih-Tzu for the first time. Notice how scalped she looked! She was so cold, and I felt so badly for her.
Attempt #2---A few days ago I gave grooming Maddy another whirl. I'd say she looks much better this time around!

Out Of the Mouth Of Babes

Today we went to the zoo with a friend of mine and her two kids. We had a great time, but were there for several hours and hit rush hour traffic. Mommy was tired! Of course, when we got home my oldest son, S., had to go to the bathroom. He was in there for a while, and I heard the splashing around of water. Picture a very tired me, so tired that I wasn't exactly thinking about what/how I said something. I yelled down to S. to stop 'screwing' around in the bathroom. A few minutes later S. comes up to me and says in all the seriousness a preschooler can possess, "Mommy, I was not screwing in the bathroom. I wasn't." Now I didn't laugh, but I couldn't hide my smile either. Nope, S. did not get reprimanded. I definitely wouldn't have been able to keep a straight enough face to do that!
***So tell me, what funny things have YOUR child/children said? Come on and share. I know we could all use a laugh!