Feeling Burned Out By My Job

Poor S. slammed his big toe in the back door on Saturday when daddy was with him. We thought all was fine, but S. complained about how much it hurt him, and then showed me that the nail was becoming detached. This was yesterday. I called the doctor pronto, as my son generally does not ask to go to the doctor. I brought him in today and was given instructions on how to clean and take care of it. The nail was still attached enough that the doctor didn't want to pull it off. She felt that it may turn black and fall off itself, which if it does, would end up being far less painful than her pulling it off as it was today. S. was fantastic at the doctor. Even the doctor and nurse commented on his behavior. Yah, I was proud! Then we left.

It just seems that having two kids means more whining and screaming and just noise in general. I foolishly though it would be a nice reward to take S. to get his favorite lunch: a toasted plain bagel with peanut butter on top. Yah, my kid thinks fruit is a dessert item too. Oh, and he turned down an offer by hubby for McDonald's on the weekend. I'm sure this will all change as he gets older! Anyway, something didn't go his way, and he threw himself on the floor and loudly cried. I was having trouble carrying everything, including the Tot, and then I had to deal with that. Shame on me for trying to make him happy.

I just have hit a wall recently. I love my children with all my heart, but to be honest, I'm not happy staying home anymore. Now yes, there are days when I count my blessings that I could be there for a certain event or when one of the kids learns something new. It is great to be able to see it the first time it happens. But I have been doing this for four years. Putting myself last. If hubby works late, then I work late. By the end of the day, I am tired and could use an extra pair of hands. Don't you have a babysitter, you ask? Not anymore. She had the gall to get a teaching job...I am really happy for her, but she was an incredible help! As I've said before, my hubby works very long hours, which are going to get longer now that the summer is over. I am drained. I come last. I feel invisible. I feel like I have no identity that is my own. I am someone's mother, and someone's wife. And while I am so happy to be both those things, I long to have something that is just mine. Something that gets my juices flowing again.

As it is now, if I want to go to an event I have to pack the kids and take them with me. Which doesn't seem so bad until you take into account how freakin' long it takes to get everyone ready and out of the house. I do have things I attend that have child care, and that is so wonderful. But like I said, it is an all morning production to get out of the door. I am also extremely organized. Everything that can be done the night before is done. Clothes out, bag packed, heck I even have their breakfast layed out ready to add milk to and mix up. Sippy cups are even filled with milk so I can just hand it to them while I unload the dishwasher, and try to eat something myself, and then get ready. So I don't know how to make my mornings go any smoother.
And tonight, Hubby and I are going to a parenting class at our church, where they also have childcare for the babies and classes for the kids. S. LOVES it! However, Hubby will have to meet me there at 6:45. Which means I am in charge of getting everyone fed, ready, packed and out the door, as well as to their respective classrooms while at the same time making sure that I ate something, oh, and hoping that I make it to my class on time without smelling bad because I have sweat so badly.

Sorry to gripe. I just had to get this out. I know hubby was oh so happy to hear it earlier. I want a date with my husband, I want a reason to dress nicely again. I want to be respected. The problem is how do I make it happen?