I have two healthy boys. I completed my IVF cycle nearly three years ago. I have a fantastic husband, and beyond my mother's death, I am very blessed with the life I lead. I know this. Then why did this phone call have such an impact on me?
You know when you're in the depths of infertility and you swear that having a baby will somehow erase that pain, or maybe that's what people tell you. Well, I never completely agreed with that logic, but I had certainly hoped it was true. Folks, for me, it isn't. I guess that's not completely true. I have sent 'Congratulations' cards, and have been truly happy for people. I've held new babies and have been glad that I am done with that phase. I've deduced that there will always be certain people's good news that will always bother me. Now I don't wish them any bad will, but I will admit that I'm not happy for them either. Where am I going with this, you wonder? Tonight, at dinnertime, Hubby got a phone call.
...from his sister. The one with the, in our opinion, f-ed up marriage. In the fall, she'd mentioned that they'd just begun 'trying'. Today she tells Hubby she's pregnant. As in 10 weeks pregnant. Yah, they're real close. Oh, and here's the kicker...here's the totally fun, totally ironic part...she's pregnant with twins...identical twins. Her husband and her are 'efficient' she says. Next breath, she wonders if a nanny would be cheaper than daycare which is going to cost $600/week. Oh, and then there's college... No worries about the babies themselves. No constantly checking her underwear to see if there's any blood. No miscarriages. While Hubby and I were busy injecting me with thousands of dollars of fertility meds., they get pregnant right away with twins no less. Yah, I got pregnant with twins and one died. Not her. No fertility treatments, no needles, no ultrasounds, no blooddraws, just sex. Imagine that. The thing that gets Hubby and I is that we have struggled for everything, while she seems to just stumble upon everything. Hubby's parents were so awful when we were struggling to have a baby. Does she have to deal with that? Nope. I know this sounds like I'm jealous, which of course I am. Truthfully, though, it mainly brings up all of the crap that we had to experience for years. Sometimes I wonder why I had to go through so much. Why do others get things so easily? Why did my mom die? Why did I have to struggle even more to have a second baby all while mourning the loss of my mom? Why do Hubby and I always try our best to do the 'right' thing, and others don't even stop to consider what that is and still reap the rewards of something they did little for or don't deserve?
I'm not proud of the way I feel, but it's the way I feel. I'm not even articulating my feelings that well, so it probably sounds even worse. I have been missing my mom like crazy this week. Plus, Hubby and I are dealing with some crap that involves infidelity, not ours I assure you, and it hasn't been pleasant. How trivial my last post was. Buying a car. Yah, if that was the least of our concerns. I know that tomorrow I'll go and buy that 'Congratulations' card because it is the right thing to do. I only wish others would have thought about what that was when we were struggling. Even through gritted teeth, I'll do the right thing. I always do.
2 comments:
It sucks being the nice, responsible one. And, you're right, life isn't fair.
Hugs.
Some people are inconsiderate and don't think. The world is full of these people. Good luck with her twins, maybe they will be mugly babies (homely and ugly).
My friend just had a baby and I truely am not happy for her. Her #1 is out of control and adding #2 to that stress is wreckless. Well see in 5 years how she's doing. Some relationships will always be toxic.
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