As I've talked about before, this past year I finally began working out. It had been a goal of mine for many years, and after finally just doing it, I felt very proud of myself. I also felt better physically as well as emotionally. I think the triple cocktail of anti-depressants, therapy and exercise did the trick!
I was enjoying exercising so much that I understood how people could become obsessed with it. Now even though I understood how one could become obsessed, I myself did not become one of those people. I don't have the time! Anyway, I have been exercising consistently for about a year. This past January I even increased the weight on every machine in my strength training program, and had my best distance ever on the elliptical. And then it happened. After a year I have finally hit the wall.
In the past year I have not only begun to exercise, but I also began to watch what I eat. My inner voice always seems to ask if I really need to eat that Cheeto or that Dove ice cream bar that has 17 grams of fat in each bar. Yes, seventeen! Oh, and if I want a glass of wine with that ice cream bar? Oh, holy hell, do I feel guilty and proceed to tell myself that I better get to the gym the next day and work my ass off. Literally. I'm tired of it! I really am. I'm tired of wanting to fit in a smaller size. I'm tired of that roll of stretched-out skin that always seems to go over the top of my pants no matter what I do. And I'm NOT having a tummy tuck, which I think is the only way to get rid of it. I'm tired of taking a shower at the gym and then walking out into the frigid weather and freezing my butt off. I'm really tired of that voice that questions everything I do. I'm tired of trying to be perfect.
Exercise has been the one thing that I can control, granted the babysitter can come. I can't control the kids, the husband, figuring out what to do with my life once the little ones go to school, things like that. I also cannot control that my mother is not here to talk with.
I decided last week that enough is enough. I was going to stop pressuring myself to do all of my fitness routine. For now I am only lifting weights. No elliptical, my nemesis. No cardio, except what I get from my kids. Yah, I'll gain weight, but it's winter in the midwest. That's what we do. Come the end of March, at the latest, I'll go back to my regular routine. I'll get back on that damn ellipitical. I'll get back to loving working out, because I was able to take a much needed break. I'll lose the weight and tone up. Until then, I'm eating what I want. Inner voice be damned! Excuse me while I go to the freezer to get one of those Dove Bars. I think I'll get that bag of Cheetos too. Yum!!!
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