Better

Thank you to all who posted a comment to my last post. Your comments really warmed my heart, and helped me to remember how my mother would have felt. I hestitated posting my regrets for the world to see, but am so glad that I did. They reflect how I was feeling at the time, and how I still feel sometimes, but like everything else in the grieving process, they change too.
I guess it doesn't matter how hard we try to perfect, whether it's being the perfect mother or daughter or both. The truth is that we are human. Part of the reason I love my husband so much is that he isn't perfect, nor does he try to be. He is open to learning and changing if that is what needs to happen. I envy him this. I don't know if it's merely being female that lends itself so closely to feeling the need for perfection. The men I know do not seem to have these problems. Me, I have wanted to be the perfect mother since the time I first conceived. I have always wanted to be the best in everything I tried. Sometimes I feel the need to be perfect has paralyzed me. I'd rather not try something new because damn't, I just don't have the energy it would take to attain the highest level of whatever it is.

I think that's one reason why I am so hard on myself regarding my mother. The other being that my mother was so selfless herself. She was always described by others in words such as: good, positive, giving, motivated, nurturing, selfless, determined....and the list goes on. She was also a nurse. Taking care of people was what she did. I struggle with that. Taking care of people does not come naturally for me. So, of course, I am hard on myself when it comes to her care; of what I could have done better. At any rate, I admired my mother, and strive to be like her, but I'm not her. And maybe I put her up on a pedestal so high that there is no way I could even achieve that level of perfection. Who knows.

All I really do know right now is that I'm feeling somewhat better. There were so many things going on this week that were bleak that they just added to my mood. Today, though, at a doctor's appointment, I asked for a script for a mammogram. I haven't had one since my baseline four years ago. I am supposed to have one every year, but since I didn't feel like dealing with the whole breast cancer topic I avoided having one. So there you go. Progress. Now I just have to call to make the appointment.