I Have Become Comfortably Numb

Lately I have been feeling completely overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with things that don't provide me with a sense of happiness or contentment. They are just things that I need to do, and although I try my best most of the time, it never seems to be good enough. There is always some problem or wrench put into the plans. For example, I am the MOPS, Mother of Preschoolers, coordinator/leader. How I got roped into that one I don't know! Anyway, we had our first meeting, and another member and I talked about how it would be good to get together with all of the members of our 'team' and discuss what we feel needs to be improved and what worked out well. We decided a nighttime meeting would work best. Many of us have kids of varying ages, and thus varying schedules, so waiting until the dads get home to watch the kids seemed to be the best idea. I also suggested going to this fun restaurant for a light dessert while we talk. I e-mailed everyone the idea, and suggested a few dates. Of course, now I'm getting people suggesting the daytime, like around 9:00 when those of us with preschool kids are dropping them off. Plus, I can't even talk on the phone when my kids are around, let alone talk in front of them at some one's house. The woman who suggested that said she has a sitter who comes 9:00-10:30. Again, many of us can't make it at 9:00. Then another mom e-mailed me that she has a problem getting her husband to come home early. I scheduled the meeting at 7:00. Now, believe me, I know what it's like to have a husband who works long hours, I do, but come on. I would be willing to change the time to later to accommodate that. Well, she nurses, and puts her son to bed between 7:30 and 8:30. I'm beginning to think just fuck it because it's just not worth the hassle. I guess I'll just do the next meeting my way, and if they have any problems they can e-mail me. This 'volunteer' job is just a pain in the ass, and a lot more work than the former leader told me.

I'm also currently undergoing 'baby lust'. After seeing that cute baby girl in the nursery at church I have been dreaming about parenting another. If I could adopt her, I would jump at the chance, and go through all the hoops that adoption entails. However, after looking at the county adoption website, it seems like a very hard thing to do. And I won't even consider adopting at places like 'The Cradle', due to the expense and the long wait. Plus, the percentage of moms who reconsider is 60%. I can't go through that. Looking at all of the profiles of possible adoptive parents makes me cry. The desperation is overwhelming. I have two healthy boys, how can I take a baby away from these people who have none? With the county there is a lot of red tape to go through such as severing parental rights, parenting classes, etc, etc...My aunt and uncle adopted two children this way, and it wasn't easy. The most compelling reason to adopt to me is the fact that I would not have to go through another bout of PPD. I'll be able to enjoy this child from day one. I can revel in the pretty outfits, sit and rock the baby without tears rolling down my face, and not have to physically recover from a c-section all while I am dealing with PPD and trying to take care of my other children.

I then I think about doing another IVF. Then I think about the expense, the drugs and the very real possibility that it won't work. Oh, and if it does I will likely have PPD to deal with again. Not a smart move, and not fair to my family who has to pick up the slack. I didn't really enjoy my second pregnancy much, and I gave away all of my maternity clothes. Oh, and my husband did have that little snip-snip done, so then we'd have to deal with donor sperm. Maybe we'd have to also deal with donor eggs because I don't respond well to the drugs. Then what would I tell the baby when he/she is older? I'm already wondering how to explain the IVF to Tot. Essentially that baby would be adopted because it would have neither my nor Hubby's genetic material. I also worry about how the baby would feel being the only non-biological child in the family. I worry about this in regards to the county adoption as well. But I want another one of these.

So enough rambling by me. I've got a lot of things going on in my mind. I have not talked about any of it with my husband. Well, I hypothetically mentioned the IVF to my husband. The thing is he would have been fine having another child, but I insisted I didn't want one. And then he got the big V. to make sure it never happened. What was I thinking? Yeah, the PPD fueled that decision. Anyway, nothing right now is exciting me, and I don't know what to do about it.

Disturbing

Just a moment ago I got a phone call. It read 'Arizona number' on my caller idea. Since I have family in Arizona, and there has been some illness in such family, I decided I better answer it ASAP. When I did it sounded like a telemarketer. He asked me one question,"Do you consider yourself to be pro-life?" Now this is a 4:30 PM while my children are playing. What right does this man have to ask me, someone he doesn't know, a question like that! Anyway, what was he going to do with the information? No, I did not stay on the line long enough to find out. Pro-life or not, this was pretty creepy. Whose business is it anyway what I believe! It just makes me angry that these people have my name, and said it correctly which rarely happens. This was not a cold call. They knew who I was before calling so I must be on some list that someone sold to them. I know I'm rambling, but this is really creeping me out. I'm just so sick of the abortion debate.

A Planned Parenthood has been built in a surrounding suburb, and of course people picketed it, and now they are going to court to stop it from opening. Now whatever your views on abortion are, I bet most women want access to birth control and good gyncological care. There are women who can't afford that. But because abortions, which are still legal, are performed there, the pro-life picketers don't want this clinic to open. This is on the news all the time. Every time I turn around, there is a debate. I am really tired of it. And now, a pro-life agency is calling people to do what I don't know. I have never received a call like that, and I hope to never receive one again. Don't pull me into this. I believe woman should receive good medical care, and not just the fortunate ones like myself. And whether someone likes it or not, right now abortions are still legal. Let's move on.

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Am I Crazy? **(Edited)

As I was picking up the Tot on Sunday from our church's nursery, I saw the most beautiful little girl baby. I asked the attendant who she belonged to, and she said she was a foster child of one of our church's families. They take in children whose parents are being counselled on parenting skills and will be receiving their child back, and those children whose parents rights are being severed. These babies have either been physically abused or their mother is a drug addict. Lovely, eh?

Guys, when she looked at me with her huge blue eyes, I fell in love right there. This is NOT like me. I've been dreaming of adopting her. I've researched county adoptions, and I couldn't believe how cheap they are, and all of the support you receive from the county for taking these children. They are considered 'special needs' children, so they often will give you some financial support if needed. We wouldn't need that. Anyway, after closing the door to adoption because of its cost, or the travel involved, my heart seems to be considering it again. I don't know if it's right for us, but when I saw those little eyes I melted. And a little girl to boot! I'm not getting my hopes up, because for one thing I don't know her situation. She may not be adoptable. The county likes to do everything in its power to 'preserve' the biological family. Her mother is probably in rehab. detoxing, and when she is done, she'll likely get her back. I just think of the life she could have with us, and the life she will likely have with her mother. It makes me sad. I don't even know how to go about finding out her situation, and what we would need to do anyway if she were to be adoptable. I mean, we'd likely need a home study, physicals, that sort of thing I know. But we haven't even begun the process, so how could we even get her? Does anyone have any experience in county adoptions?

***I talked with someone in the know tonight, and it appears the baby girl is going back to her mother, as well as the other child who was beaten so badly she's blind. I understand wanting to preserve the family, but only to a point. When the situation is so dangerous for these children, I wonder who are they doing this for? And the drug-addicted mothers? I'm sorry, but the relapse rate is what...Yeah. But hey, they're with their biological mothers! I hope those who created the system can sleep at night. I know I couldn't.

The Mother I Thought I'd Be

When I first began having thoughts about becoming a mother, I knew the kind I didn't want to be. I certainly did not want to be the mother who let her kids run around the store, scream at restaurants and throw their food. And I also was not going to be that slovenly mother who let herself go. Oh, no. A mother needs to take time for herself. Her kids aren't everything! Which is true, but reality is so much different that we envision it will be.

When I had my first son, I felt awful about my now slovenly appearance. Oh, man, was that a surprise! I mean come on, no one told me I'd still look pregnant weeks after I'd given birth. Hell, in some ways months after. I'd never been overweight before, and now had a new found understanding of how badly it feels to try and try to lose weight only to find despite my best efforts, and not eating as much, that my weight had plateaued a little sooner than I'd like. In Vicki Iovine's book The Girlfriend's Guide to Surviving the First Year of Motherhood she talks about how you will literally have to beat off the last ten pounds. And forget about fitting into your favorite jeans until at least nine months after giving birth. Yeah, how about never fitting into those pants again! Oh, and those last ten pounds, or so!, well we've come to an understanding. If I don't weigh myself, we can forget that they're even there! I've come to accept that they are not going anywhere ever! And I'm not one of those moms who can say, 'But look at what I got. It's all worth the stretch marks, my sagging stomach, and sleepless nights that have permanently given my face circles under my eyes.' I'm sorry, I'm just not. Oh, sure I love my children with a fierce love that a mama bear possesses. You know, don't mess with my kid or you'll have ME to deal with! But I have to admit, my old body looked better, and I miss it.

When my oldest was born, I was able to go shopping. He loved being out in public, and loved the mall with all of its things to look at. Now my mom died when S. was only six months old, and as I've said before, I am a total emotional shopper. You can imagine what my wardrobe looked like then. Yep. It was fantastic! Coupled with what I term 'the dead mom's diet', I could fit in clothes that I now can only dream about! But I didn't feel good guys, so don't do it. Living mainly on yogurt and caffeine made for one cranky mama! At any rate, I felt like I had followed all my rules to a T. S. was such an easy baby, and for the most part, toddler. At least when we were out. I even received compliments on how wonderfully behaved he was. We took him to four-star restaurants in downtown Chicago, they all have children's menus BTW. We took this kid EVERYWHERE! We didn't stop going out just because we had a kid. I swore I wouldn't do that. S. was also a terrific sleeper. The kid seriously slept through the night at 3 weeks. Yep, I thought it was because of our superior parenting skills. Then came the Tot!

When Tot was born, all of my mandates about the mother I was going to be went out the window. I quickly learned that one child was easier than two no matter what you do. Oh, and the Tot. Not too much a sleeper there for awhile. And the boy liked to get up early for the day. Like 6:00 in the morning early! S. and I are night owls, and not morning people. Well, at least we weren't. We had to learn to adjust! The Tot didn't sleep through the night until five -six months, and by then I thought I'd go crazy from all the lack of sleep! I couldn't figure out what we were doing wrong! Both of the boys were big babies, and both boys ate well. What was the problem? The problem wasn't so much a problem really. I learned that each child has their own identity. They can be different in every way, and it's not our fault. It's just the way they are, and we can't change it. We can only accept them for who they are, and make adjusts in our lives. We cannot control every thing our children do. I now go to bed earlier, and get up early. It's okay really. I get more done now. Not that I wouldn't want to sleep later, but it is what it is. Maybe when they go to college, I'll sleep again.

S.'s love for shopping stopped around the time he learned he could unhook the belt in the stroller and get out! Well, maybe that's when my love for shopping ended. Coupled with a new body, I soon wore pretty much the same clothes over and over. I call it my mom's 'uniform.'. Jeans and a t-shirt. The only variation is that some shirts are long sleeves and some short sleeves. They are comfortable and wash well. And they are not particularly interesting. No nice coordinating outfits for me! I do, however, still put some make-up on my face. I tell myself that because I do that, I haven't 'let myself go'.

My children in contrast, have a beautiful wardrobe! My friends have commented on how I dress my children like they are dolls. They certainly have interesting, coordinated outfits! I found my mother was right when she said you end up putting your kids first. They are a refection on you. Well, at least someone dresses well!

I also swore my kids wouldn't watch too much television. Movies are babysitters, I said. Well, guess what. Movies are babysitters! Big surprise. However, without them, we wouldn't ever eat a dinner that was not prepared by McDonald's. I feel that the nutritional value of a good meal outweighs any negative effect the American Academy of Pediatrics says my kids will get from watching the 'tube'. At least that's what I tell myself!

And lastly, I swore I wouldn't yell or smack my kid on the bottom occasionally and not hard or out of anger so don't report me to Child Services okay!!! Isn't the yelling part especially funny! And you know what? Sometimes one of my kids throws his food, and there are times they won't eat what I've made. I have stuck to the 'This is not a restaurant. If you don't eat what I make than you will be hungry' rule, because, hey, this really isn't a restaurant and you won't die by not eating one meal. You'll also be more likely to eat the next meal I prepare.

So there you go, I have not turned out to be the mother I thought I'd be. Yeah, I screw up sometimes. Sometimes I do the wrong thing. But I love my kids, and I'm doing the best I can. No one is perfect, not even me! Ha! And that's okay. As long as the good outweighs the bad, I think I'm doing an okay job. How about you? Are you the kind of mother you thought you'd be???

Here Ya' Go!

I still can't get the picture to rotate even though it shows it as rotated under my picture account! Sorry!!! The good thing is you can click on it, and really get to see the detail of my shoes. I know you can hardly wait:)!

Being With Grown Ups

(Click on the picture to see it better.)This past Saturday night, Hubby and I went to his annual formal work party. Last year it was at the Museum of Science and Industry. This year it was at the Navy Pier Ballroom. It was very nice. The food was good, the band was too loud but good, and we enjoyed the fireworks very much. What we didn't enjoy were the mosquitos! I had three bites in a short amount of time. I mean what could you do, wear mosquito repellent with your formal dress?! Actually, I didn't even think of the possibilty of a mosquito infestation. Apparently, this has been a record year since we've had all that rain. I tell you, it was very nice to be able to walk outside in San Diego and not have to worry about mosquitos!

At any rate, it was fun being with other adults not having to wipe anyone's hands after we'd finished eating! My brother and SIL even kept our kids overnight so we wouldn't have to wake them up at midnight. We appreciated that very much! So here are some pictures where I actually have a dress on, and a full face of make up! Ya' better look now, it may never happen again!

I'm having some problems with my camera, but wanted to show you my cool shoes. So, ya' know, just turn your head; I'm sorry about this!

Some Musings

While Hubby and I were in San Diego I thought of a few things that were, well, ironic or just plain funny. For those of you who live in Illinois, you know that we had 10 days straight of pouring rain. People experienced flooding of basements, roads flooded, electricity went out, trees were knocked down by the intense wind, and mainly that people who live in the midwest where it rains or snows A LOT just cannot fucking drive in the crap! Hubby and I were so ready to leave, and so were the boys! We even kept telling them that we were going to California and it will not be raining there. I even verified this with my grandfather. I knew it wasn't rainy season, but dammit, I had to make sure that we were going to be dry.

• Musing #1---Don't believe your grandfather or anyone who tells you that it hasn't rained in six months, it isn't even rainy season, so yes Former Teacher, it's NOT GOING TO RAIN!!! Read my lips: NO FLIPPIN' RAIN!!! We left on a Thursday. We went with my grandparents to church on Sunday. Halfway through the sermon, it starts raining! I mean a torrential downpour. And. everyone. was. so. excited. Everyone but us! I know they needed the rain badly, but come ON, why during the ONE week that we're there. Why?!
• Musing #2---We brought a portable DVD player. We had done this last time, and we played movies in the hotel room, which was very beneficial for our son, um....us. Guess what? We got the room with the newish-looking TV, but it was a tease. There wasn't the place to hook up the cables to. UGH!
• Musing #3---Hubby forgot Tot's Baby Einstein CD that he must have when he is falling asleep. Oh, but how lucky we were that he remembered to pack Jack Johnson's musical CD from Curious George. I'm sure the man is talented, but I NEVER want to listen to him again! I don't want to ever hear that song about how fun it is to share, because we know the truth, most of the time it isn't. UGH! I was actually missing Baby Einstein. How sick is that!
• Musing #4---I now know why people stay at hotels that offer suites, and when the children are older, we WILL be looking into that option. Going to bed at 9:30, particularly when you are a night owl, is just awful. Listening to your husband snore, and your children cough due to some virus they caught on the plane, is even worse!
• Musing #5---Even though I've been to California so often, I still forgot how bad the radio's reception can be when you are in the mountains, which you pretty much are all the time. I would be listening to a great song, and then BOOM!, it got all static-y and such. Now I am a big-time music person, so this really bothered me. Note to self: bring CD's next time as the husband gets annoyed when you listen to your MP3 player in the car and can't hear him. Hey, I had to do what I could given what I had to work with.
• Musing #6---Traveling by air with children has its challenges, but know, just know, that you will have to go through security more than once. After the four of us took our shoes off, collapsed the stroller, put our liquids in a container, took off our three backpacks, put my purse on the conveyor belt, placed our DVD player in a special container and went through that walk-thru thing, I pushed Tot over to the left to look at the airplanes while Hubby got everything back together. Now there was NO sign that it was a restricted area. Well, apparently it was, and Tot and I had to go through security AGAIN and do everything that we had just done all over again. UGH! These things don't seem to happen when you are traveling sans kids.
• Musing #7---No matter the brand, no antihistamine will knock my children out. Not even if it always does at home. And yes, they have allergies. Cough, cough....
• Musing #8---Packing while having a bad day only results in packing too much damn stuff. Enough said there.
• Musing #9---When you get home, your TV will totally die with no warning. The TV in your room. Did I mention I have needed the TV on to fall asleep since like the ninth grade? Yes, I know it's a very bad habit. I worked on it this week. Tonight we bought a new TV. Good thing I never developed a nicotine addiction.
• Musing #10---Even though I am so happy that my SIL delivered healthy babies on Saturday, a part of me is, I don't know. Depressed. I always wanted a baby girl, and she was blessed with two. Having babies was so hard for us, and when I did conceive twins, I lost one. So a part of me is jealous, envious. I'm not proud of how I feel, but it is how I feel.

And my final note, San Diego was having a heat wave like I've never witnessed before. You know San Diego is known for its perfect climate. Well, it got so hot, how hot was it?....., that the state called for energy conservation as brown outs could occur without it. Me in 90 degree with no air conditioning= one really cranky woman. There also was a large wildfire burning. And the night before we left, there was an earthquake. We didn't feel it, but it was there. Hubby and I took it all as a sign that we needed to leave southern California!

All in all, our trip was wonderful, but there are always those blips in the road no matter where you go.