Lately I have been feeling completely overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with things that don't provide me with a sense of happiness or contentment. They are just things that I need to do, and although I try my best most of the time, it never seems to be good enough. There is always some problem or wrench put into the plans. For example, I am the MOPS, Mother of Preschoolers, coordinator/leader. How I got roped into that one I don't know! Anyway, we had our first meeting, and another member and I talked about how it would be good to get together with all of the members of our 'team' and discuss what we feel needs to be improved and what worked out well. We decided a nighttime meeting would work best. Many of us have kids of varying ages, and thus varying schedules, so waiting until the dads get home to watch the kids seemed to be the best idea. I also suggested going to this fun restaurant for a light dessert while we talk. I e-mailed everyone the idea, and suggested a few dates. Of course, now I'm getting people suggesting the daytime, like around 9:00 when those of us with preschool kids are dropping them off. Plus, I can't even talk on the phone when my kids are around, let alone talk in front of them at some one's house. The woman who suggested that said she has a sitter who comes 9:00-10:30. Again, many of us can't make it at 9:00. Then another mom e-mailed me that she has a problem getting her husband to come home early. I scheduled the meeting at 7:00. Now, believe me, I know what it's like to have a husband who works long hours, I do, but come on. I would be willing to change the time to later to accommodate that. Well, she nurses, and puts her son to bed between 7:30 and 8:30. I'm beginning to think just fuck it because it's just not worth the hassle. I guess I'll just do the next meeting my way, and if they have any problems they can e-mail me. This 'volunteer' job is just a pain in the ass, and a lot more work than the former leader told me.
I'm also currently undergoing 'baby lust'. After seeing that cute baby girl in the nursery at church I have been dreaming about parenting another. If I could adopt her, I would jump at the chance, and go through all the hoops that adoption entails. However, after looking at the county adoption website, it seems like a very hard thing to do. And I won't even consider adopting at places like 'The Cradle', due to the expense and the long wait. Plus, the percentage of moms who reconsider is 60%. I can't go through that. Looking at all of the profiles of possible adoptive parents makes me cry. The desperation is overwhelming. I have two healthy boys, how can I take a baby away from these people who have none? With the county there is a lot of red tape to go through such as severing parental rights, parenting classes, etc, etc...My aunt and uncle adopted two children this way, and it wasn't easy. The most compelling reason to adopt to me is the fact that I would not have to go through another bout of PPD. I'll be able to enjoy this child from day one. I can revel in the pretty outfits, sit and rock the baby without tears rolling down my face, and not have to physically recover from a c-section all while I am dealing with PPD and trying to take care of my other children.
I then I think about doing another IVF. Then I think about the expense, the drugs and the very real possibility that it won't work. Oh, and if it does I will likely have PPD to deal with again. Not a smart move, and not fair to my family who has to pick up the slack. I didn't really enjoy my second pregnancy much, and I gave away all of my maternity clothes. Oh, and my husband did have that little snip-snip done, so then we'd have to deal with donor sperm. Maybe we'd have to also deal with donor eggs because I don't respond well to the drugs. Then what would I tell the baby when he/she is older? I'm already wondering how to explain the IVF to Tot. Essentially that baby would be adopted because it would have neither my nor Hubby's genetic material. I also worry about how the baby would feel being the only non-biological child in the family. I worry about this in regards to the county adoption as well. But I want another one of these.
So enough rambling by me. I've got a lot of things going on in my mind. I have not talked about any of it with my husband. Well, I hypothetically mentioned the IVF to my husband. The thing is he would have been fine having another child, but I insisted I didn't want one. And then he got the big V. to make sure it never happened. What was I thinking? Yeah, the PPD fueled that decision. Anyway, nothing right now is exciting me, and I don't know what to do about it.
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