A Beautiful Day

Today was just one of those days that makes you smile. The temperature was in the 60's, the air smelled so good, and my baby boy was in a good mood. Did I mention that my husband let me sleep in very, very late. I felt good!

It was so nice outside that both of our neighbors were out with their kids. The men talked with the men and us women talked with each other. Steve only had one incident when he fell, and it mostly scared him. He wasn't hurt. I felt bad because I couldn't get to him in time, but he was OK. The only thing that bothered me was that I am feeling like an outsider with the two other women I talk with. They each have a daughter that is entering kindergarten in the fall, and the girls are friends. Well, Steve is only two, so I don't really have anything to add about kindergarten registeration, or the woes one feels when they know their time alone with their kids is waning. I DO know that I will be the parent who drives behind the school bus crying on their child's first day of school. I don't deal well with change, and I want my babies to stay babies forever. Well, unless I am in need of a vacation. Then they can be older and stay with their grandparents. I won't worry so much then. But back to the point here. Then one woman, M., is pregnant too, so we do have something in common. The other woman and I used to be extremely close until I became pregnant. We both struggled with infertility. When her fourth IVF failed, she generously gave me all of her remaining meds. It is her that I owe, when I say we only paid $87.00 for all of our IVF meds. We do NOT have infertility coverage, so this saved us almost $5,000. I am forever in her debt, so to speak, for that one. Plus, she was one of the few people who I could talk to about my infertility who understood. When Jeff and I decided we might adopt, we had researched and found an agency we liked. I gave her all of the info. I collected, and lo and behold, they are awaiting the birth of their second daughter. I was so happy for them when they made the decision to adopt; I have felt the pain she had felt, and this was an answer to their prayers.

When I found out I was pregnant, I called her. I didn't know what to say; I had gotten so used to calling her with bad news. How could I tell her my FIRST IVF worked, when the FOUR she did, did not. I felt guilty, and I didn't want to cause her any further pain. She was not home when I called, so I gave the news to her husband, which I decided was probably for the best. I told him I felt guilty I was pregnant when they tried so hard too, and weren't. He assured me I shouldn't feel that way, they were happy for us. I'll call her E., did call me the next day to say congratulations. She left it on my answering machine. I called her back, but she wasn't home. I knew I would see her the next week at our next door neighbor's party, so I decided I would just wait to talk to her then.

When I did see E., I asked her questions about herself and didn't mention the pregnancy at all. I had just had my first ultrasound that day which confirmed twins. I knew she had always wanted twins. When she asked, I did tell her how things were going and about the twins. Then I proceeded to try to say something nice to make her feel better or something. I don't know, I was trying to be sensitive. I knew how hard I always took it when another friend got pregnant. I felt left-behind again. Apparently, she did not share this feeling. She left quickly, so I knew something was wrong. I just didn't know what, and I felt so bad.

E. basically ignored me for the next two months. No phone calls, no neighborly waving, nothing. I didn't know what to do. When Halloween came around, I felt it was the perfect time to see what was going on. I mean she couldn't ignore my son and I on her porch. Jeff ended up taking Steve home, so we could talk. It turns out she was very upset with me and the things I said to her, in particular about feeling 'left behind'. I told her that is how I always felt, and I didn't want her to feel that way. I told her one of my other infertile friends P., just could not talk to me anymore; it made her feel bad. She was happy for me, but at the same time, unhappy that she still wasn't pregnant. I told E. that I was really hurt by that, and didn't want that to happen with us. I said obviously I blew it, and please know it was not my intent to upset her, quite the opposite. I appologized profusely; I didn't know what to do. Soon after, her in-laws came by, so I left. Not long after that, I saw her with our neighbor M. and her girls, and they were trick-or-treating. I felt left out that no one asked if Steve and I wanted to go with, and that I had a boy and not a girl. I felt deliberately excluded, whether or not that was the case. Gosh , I felt like I was 10 again, and the odd man out.

So fast-forward to today. My pregnant neighbor said hello to me, but E. who was talking to her didn't. I felt the coldness. My question is: what more can I do? I tried to be sensitive and it backfired, but I sincerely apologized when it was made known to me what the problem was. I really wish she would have told me sooner. But now to be made to feel like the outsider, I mean what more can I do? I still feel bad about this.

Over all though, the weekend was great! Oh, and we got a phone call from our friends who live in Canada, who also was the best-man in our wedding, are going to be coming to Chicago next week. We are going to get together with our kids. I can't wait!