Today I off and went to Str*de R*ght and bought the shoes Steve already owns in laces, now in velcro closures. Why? Because my son is obsessed with having his shoelaces tied. If they come untied, he immediately runs to me saying,"SHOES!" It was really cute, until I got big pregnant and getting up off the ground got really difficult. No, my son is not to the point where I can sit in a chair while he gives me his foot. I have tried this, and it has resulted with a kid on the ground every time. I feel like what a huge waste of money, especially since he's not even to the next size yet, but now he can not only put his shoes on by himself, but he can also pull the velcro tabs closed by himself. Pure bliss to me, as well as to him. He just loves when he can do something without anyone's help. I hope this continues. While we were there getting Steve measured, I of course had to tell the clerk why we were there. She took one look at me and said,"Yah, you are big." Thanks.
I am to the point right now where I feel big, and not in a good way. At the mall I just looked in all of the stores, and told myself those were all the pretty clothes I wouldn't be able to fit into in for a long time. Depressing. (Also depressing that I got out of breathe twice while walking.) As Steve and I sat and shared a soft pretzel together, I remembered sitting doing the same thing not that long ago. Except that time I was dreaming of all the pretty maternity clothes I would be wearing if the IVF cycle had indeed worked. I dreamed of feeling the baby kick, of the anticipation of waiting for the baby, of seeing Steve with a sibling, of the car not being so quiet anymore, and of controlled chaos that would come with having two little ones. I dreamed knowing this may never happen. And somehow it did. I forget sometimes all that I've gone through. I saw this woman walking next to us with her chinese daughters; very cute I might add, and it hit me right there. We both had gone through the road of infertility, maybe not the exact same path, and yet it worked out differently for each of us. For her, it was obvious that these children were adopted, and having researched foreign adoption myself I know she went through a lot to have these girls. But for me, she probably just thought I was like 'every one else'; I didn't have trouble at all. It's at times like these that I have to remind myself of all that we went through. I like to forget; I want to forget, but, maybe I shouldn't. I will tell you, though, it feels good to appear 'normal'. I will also say it is much better to get the question 'Are you going to try for a girl' than to get the 'When are you going to have your next one?'. I do not like the first question, and consider it rude, but it IS better than having to answer the second.
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Tomorrow I am going for a much needed haircut and color appointment. I always enjoy these appointments because I get almost two hours of time to myself. I am kind-of peeved that tomorrow I will have to rush because we have a child's third birthday party to attend. We were told about this last Saturday. These are really good friends of ours that we don't see as often since they moved an hour away, so I feel I must make the effort to go. We will be late, however. Our friend E., the husband, told me to just reschedule my hair appointment. It does sound reasonable, right? Except that I have had this appointment for 8 weeks. It is very hard to get a Saturday appointment. Why not go during the week you ask? This is currently Jeff's busy season, and he gets home too late for me to make it to any appoinment. They are also closed on Sundays. If I don't go tomorrow, it will take me weeks to get in again. And I don't want to sound selfish, but I have been looking forward to this appointment. I do not get much alone time at all. I feel that I am always taking care of someone, and now I am uncomfortably pregnant, so I am REALLY in need of some 'me' time. I am feeling unattractive too, so I feel this will give me a much-needed boost. So after I explained the scheduling situation to E., he understood. I said we'll come we'll just be late, which is fine with them.
I am also starting to miss my job a lot. I miss using my brain. I miss talking to adults. I miss receiving a paycheck. We don't need my salary, which is a good thing since as a teacher I really didn't make much, but I need the salary to feel like I'm contributing here. I feel taken for granted. Jeff can always do what he wants/needs to do, because he knows I am ALWAYS here. I, however, do not get the same luxury. His days are longer, thus my days are longer, and I can't even have a glass of wine to get me through it! We did have the opportunity to have someone who was highly recommended come every Tuesday for 8 hours. This would have allowed me to go to my OB appts. alone, and have my gestational diabetes test taken, no I have not done that yet. It would have given me another set of hands when the baby comes. Remember I had PPD after Steve was born. Extra help would have been good. Hell, a few hours to myself would really make a difference. But no, Jeff said said 'WE' didn't need it. I should have his mom come, since she's free. Problem is his mom goes to Florida for 4-5 months during the year. Plus, I think having someone unrelated is easier at times. Jeff's mom could come on one or more of the other 6 days I am alone when she is back here. There are just so many reasons why this would have been great. Oh, another one I though of was that she could watch the baby while I took Steve to tumbling that day, therefore allowing Steve and I time together. I think that would make his transition easier. I am not a person who hires a nanny to do my job for me. She wouldn't have been here 7 days a week, just ONE. Oh, and she only charged $10/hour. That's like a regular babysitter's fee, except that she is in her 20's and has a lot of experience, CPR classes, etc. We did not buy a new house, so we could have swung this, for my sanity. Oh, well. My MIL will be back in a month. Let the games begin.
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