On My Own

Tomorrow Jeff is going back to work. He's been home a month, and I have particularly enjoyed having him home. I generally enjoy having him around, but lately he's been my rock. My MIL is coming tomorrow afternoon with lunch, I want to see how I do on my own in the morning, and then is watching the kids while I go to my first psychiatrist appointment. YIKES! I am a bit nervous as I dread new situations, but this cannot be avoided. I am feeling better. I am ready to praise the drug companies as if it weren't for them I probably would be in the hospital right now. I remember five years ago when I had obviously been depressed because I was infertile, that when the topic of anti-depressants came up I was so against them. I said I didn't want to become dependent on them, that I'd handle it myself. Well, that time I did, but this time I couldn't. Why do I suck so much at being the mother of a newborn? Why can't I have a baby and just get on with it like so many other women seem to do? Why me? Why now?

I seriously thought that having another baby would solve everything that was wrong in my life. And when I was pregnant and missing my mom, I would just think about something that had to be done in preparation for the baby and do it. My hormones were even; I felt the best I had in years. Then I have the baby, feel an instant bond, and a week and a half later everything falls apart. I have never felt that bad before, not even when I had PPD with Steve.

So now that I feel better, it is time for Jeff to go back to work and for me to figure this mothering of two thing out. I am excited at this prospect and scared to death as well.