I Have a Bit More To Say On This Issue

Many times I do not get to write everything about a topic that I would like to, you know, due to the kids and all. I tell ya', I wanted so much to be able to communicate with S., to hear what his voice would sound like, and let's just say now I wish I didn't hear it so often! Anyway, to the point.

Teachermom, brought up a good point here. Never say never. My first Clomid pregnancy was doomed to fail almost from the start. I believe I posted about it, but to summarize, after a week and a half my HCG levels failed to double and two ultrasounds showed a small sac. People have asked me why I didn't just end the pregnancy then. My answer: it just never occurred to me. I felt just like formerteacher in that the decision was never left for me to make. I couldn't end that pregnancy; I couldn't give up that tiny bit of hope that a miracle might still happen. So for three long weeks, I went to work, taught school and hoped to God that I wouldn't miscarry in front of my students. Yah, I guess I could have planned to terminate the pregnancy, thus saving myself the worry of bleeding in front of children and then having to explain to my boss that I was pregnant. However, I just couldn't. I thank God that He chose to take the baby at night, in the comfort and privacy, of my own home. Knowing for three weeks that I was carrying a baby destined to die was very psychologically damaging, but I cannot imagine how damaging it might have been to have terminated that pregnancy and never have known for sure what would have happened on its own.

Fast forward to my IVF pregnancy. I was pregnant with twins. Scared to death because I now knew how much work one baby was let alone two, but happy because I was going to have TWO BABIES! Make sense? Probably not. Being an information-seeking person, I read articles on the internet, this blog http://indigogirl.typepad.com, and I bought a book on having twins. I did this even after my ultrasound which showed one twin a few days behind the other, which I guess can happen if they implant on different days. See, I never give up hope. I had another ultrasound a week later showing one twin with a heartbeat, and the other still a few days behind. This time my RE decided we would schedule another ultraound in two weeks; we would definitely know by then. Two weeks seemed like an eternity! I wanted to know what was going on. Was I going to be a mother of twins, something my mom always thought would be fun to see!, or was baby B not going to make it?

Two weeks later, the ultrasound showed showed that both twins had heartbeats now! Our RE said that all was not right. That twin B was still smaller. Too small. He said that if this twin continued to grow that he/she would definitely have major problems and selective reduction should be made available to us. I felt deflated. And when we walked out I said to hubby,"Why doesn't he say we should terminate the pregnancy, or that I should have an abortion?" I don't think reducing a pregnancy to one because of a defect is really 'selective reduction'. I want both babies. Just say it like it is, buddy!

I had to think a lot about it. I remember my year spent with special ed. kids. I remembered when I went back to teaching regular ed., I would often see the self-contained special ed. classroom's children. I remembered the problems they dealt with on a daily basis. But I would love that child! I am an educator. I would be that child's advocate! We could do this! The I remember the child that was 'included' in my fourth grade classroom my first year teaching that grade. This child was fed by a feeding tube. He couldn't move. He was in a wheelchair every day until naptime. He had to have many surgeries. He couldn't talk, he couldn't laugh, he could barely communicate any thing at all. He could cry. I thought about other children who were in pain every day of their lives. Finally, I decided to pray and ask God to take the baby if that was the best thing to do. Our RE felt that twin B could threaten the life of Twin A, now known as the tot. So I worried. And worried... If I didn't make any decision soon enough, I could lose them both. But I did not want to make that decision.

I went to a fetal-maternal specialist and had a 4-D color, action ultrasound at about 10 weeks. The doctor came in and looked around, and had to tell me there was no more fetal heartbeat. The tech. and him had a very hard time telling me. I almost felt bad for them! I feel embarressed to tell you this, but I was relieved. Relieved that I didn't have to make that choice, that decision. I thank God for that! And I thank God for the tot every day!!!

Kate, thank you for your comment. Please do not worry about writing a long response. You made me think too, and being that I don't have much time for that lately, I do appreciate it! I have heard of people using abortion as a means of birth control. I do not advocate, nor do I understand it! That is a medical procedure. You do not do that to you body simply because you don't feel like using birth control! And the Mormon church is not the only religion that has a policy against birth control. The Catholic religion still tells its worshippers to accept as many children as God gives you. My father was raised catholic as was my husband. Both of them believe that is a crock as does every one of my catholic friends. As for the use of birth control and pre-marital sex, I plan to teach my sons abstinance until marriage. I do know, though, that they may not wait until marriage to have sex, so I plan to have the birth control discussion with them. As well as the respect, responsibility, yada, yada...discussion. I don't want my kids to ruin their lives or to DIE because of a poor decision made in their youth. So I support Planned Parenthood being in my town. This particular branch does not perform abortions. Utah may be highly influenced by the Mormon church, but Chicago is highly influenced by the Catholic church. I am glad PP is here, and I do support the PPs who perform abortions, because it's like teachermom said, "Never say never."