Pink

Every time November comes, I breath a sigh of relief. It's not like I don't enjoy fall, I do especially since the weather was so nice this year. The reason I don't particulary care for October is because it's Breast Cancer Awareness month. Now I am happy that so much money is raised for research during that month. We need to eradicate this disease, and like everything else, we need money to do it. It's just that everywhere I go during October there are pink ribbons, pink jewelry, pink everything. I really think that many retailers are making money off this disease. I choose to make a donation to the Susan G. Komen fund directly. Well, I admit that I do have breast cancer license plates, and only $25 of that fee goes toward breast cancer awareness. Foe those of you who don't already know, my mom died of breast cancer 4 1/2 years ago at the young age of 51. Every year during October I am bombarded with everything breast cancer. It just makes me miss my mom even more than I normally do, which is a lot.

My son's birthday also makes me very sad. Yes, I love my son and enjoy celebrating every brithday with him. The thing is that my mom was there at S.'s birth. In fact, she was the first one to hold him! My mom was pronounced terminal when S. was only 10 days old. She was given only 6-9 months to live. She survived only 6 months. S. was so special to her. She even began chemo. treatments again, something she swore she'd never do again. She said she wanted to live longer so she could see S. grow up. I remember being at her house often, and the only thing that made her feel better was holding S. We knew we were on borrowed time. Trying to fit a lifetime in mere months was overwhelming. I worried every day that I would get 'the' phone call telling me she had died during the night. I didn't want to miss that. I wanted to be there until the end. Luckily, I was.

I've saved everything that my mom bought for S. Clothes, books, puzzles. She even bought some things for him to open when he was older. She also wrote him a letter, as she did for me. On S.'s birthday, I got down his memory boxes. I felt he was old enough now to appreciate and understand. As I went through each of the things that I saved, I had tears in my eyes. I didn't expect to feel that way. Seeing my mom's handwriting on his Christening card, first Valentine's Day card etc. really was hard for me. Earlier I thought it would be cool to show S. the tapes we had made from when he was a baby. The first one had my mom in it. My mom and I were sitting on the couch going through the scrapbook she made for my 30th birthday. As the camera was on us, you could hear our conversation. It was so easy, it flowed. It reminded me again what a special relationship we had. And it's over. We can never get it back. After that video were the videos of S.'s fifth and sixth month. The sixth month one was especially hard for me. I know now that she only had a few days left until she died. I didn't know that then. Maybe ignorance is bliss. I don't know. After that part of the video, I had to leave the room. I ran upstairs and sobbed, something I haven't done in a long time. I hadn't seen those tapes since right after she died. I can't believe they affected me this way, but they did. I thought it would be good to see them, but it wasn't.

Yesterday I sighed in relief until I realized it would have been my parents' 38th wedding anniversary. I made sure I called my dad right away because it is always a hard day for him. Too many things on the calendar that make us remember her. Some are good, but some are bad. Strangely, though, she has been in my dreams every night for months. This happened first right after she died, but it's been awhile since it's been that way. The dream mainly goes like this. She looks as though she's dying, but comes back healthy again. Then I realize she is still going to die, and I get very sad. This is kind of like her life was. She would have ups and downs. We never knew what to expect, and I still have guilt over what I wished I had done for her. I guess hindsight is 20/20. Today is November 2nd. The holidays are coming, but that's a whole other post.