Hope In a Hospital

I promise to post the wonderfully cute Christmas post, but right now all I can think about it poor Tot.

Two weeks ago, Tot had a bad flare-up of his asthma. So bad that I said this is ridiculous, we need to go to a specialist! Now I love my pediatrician, well the one who started the practice 30 years ago. I trust him implicitly. He even brought up how he also believed it was time for Tot to see a specialist. He referred us to his friend who is a pediatric pulmonologist at the 'Children's Hospital.' The benefit of seeing a doctor that has been around awhile is when they give you a referral, your ass gets in pretty quickly, despite it being the holidays and all.

Hubby got to go with me because he already had the day off. I was really glad. I think two sets of ears are always better than one. One thing that impressed me off the bat was how close to our appointment time we were actually seen. Guys, our appt. was at 4:00, and we were seen at 4:05! Oh, and everyone was so nice! Since they only see kids, they are used to kids' antics, and they don't seem to faze anyone at all.

Turns out that Tot has been officially diagnosed as having asthma. They call it mild, but persistent. We were given a treatment plan for him that totally makes sense. The nurse came in with the new game plan as well as the 'toddler' inhaler Tot is going to use now. No more nebulizer! Yeah!!!! Tot's inhaler looks the same as the ones you've seen, it just has a tube and mouthpiece connected to it. There is the everyday medicine called Flovent that he is to take twice a day, every day. If we hear any coughing at all, we are immediately to give him Albuterol every two to three hours. Then there's the Orapred liquid steriod to give in case the other meds. don't work. The good thing about this new system is that Tot only has to have two puffs in the morning and two at night. It only takes a minute to give him, not the 5 minutes it took with the nebulizer. Tot loves it! Remember this poor kid has been on a nebulizer for nearly a year, so a puffer is definitley preferable to him.

Tot also had to have a bloodtest done to see if he has any allergies. It will only take a week to get the results, but I didn't wait. Hubby moved all of his furniture so I could get behind to clean the baseboards and vacuum up any dust bunnies. I also dusted every piece of his furniture, and got rid of anything that wasn't necessary. The less items in his room means the less dust that will settle in there. Hubby and I then got rid of all of his stuffed animals since they are a big harborer of dust. We were also told that we needed to get this device that measures how much humidity there is in any room. It must be below 35%. If not, we must get a dehumidifier to get rid of the excess. Can you say static electricity??? UGH. The things we do for our kids! We also need to put cheesecloth over the vents of the rooms he is in most often. Yeah, I went into Williams Sonoma to buy my kid cheesecloth to put over his vents. The saleswoman looked at me like I was crazy!

So, I am glad that we finally went to a specialist. I'm not happy that Tot has asthma, but it's really feels good to know all of the things we can do to help him. I now have hope that he will feel better. We now have a plan by a man who deals with this on a daily basis. I am comforted by the fact that he is the head of his department, and has been doing this for years. He knows what he is doing; no conflicting advice from three different pediatricians. I feel hopeful, but I'm still scared to death. ***
If anyone has a child who has asthma can you share your story? I think it would be helpful to know that we're not alone, and what others do to make their children feel more comfortable when they have so many meds. to take. Thank you in advance!

I Am Beyond Stressed

I started shopping early this year, as in the week after Thanksgiving. I bought my SIL's twins gifts as well as gifts for her husband and her. I kept telling hubby that we needed to send them. Last week he tells me to take them to the UPS store. Ughhh...not going to happen with two kids. Can you imagine??? Well, the kicker is that he had to send them overnight, because they are leaving for Florida. I am not happy about this. We got the kids's gifts, my grandfather as well as my aunt and uncles's. MY family is being a pain about not telling us what they want. They STILL haven't told us. If I don't hear by tomorrow, they're all getting gift cards! Oh, and we still need to buy gifts for the dogs. Don't laugh. My boys think Santa brings gifts for them, and puts them in the dogs' stockings. Again, don't laugh! Remember, Madison was my first baby, so she got a stocking with her name on it the first year we had her. Our other dog was my parents' dog, and my mother bought his stocking, and she didn't even particulaly like dogs!

How could I ever deny this dog presents? This is Madison.
This is Casper, my parents' dog that now lives with us. Both dogs are Shih-Tzus. and they look so different!

It seems like I cannot ever sit down. That when I cross one thing off the list, two more go on it. I feel like I am on auto pilot! If that wasn't enough by itself, I have to go to the bank where my MIL started an account for S. and try to solve a problem she caused! The account is in S. and my name, I'm his mother, and the letter from the bank said this could affect my credit rating. I'm beyond pissed. This bank is Charter One. We go to another bank, and will NEVER have any account at that bank. So I am very stressed out about this. I am so pissed off at my MIL as she created this mess. I won't even go into the details of why the damn account was set up in the first place! This woman is still pissing me off and it's been two years since I've even seen her.

Well, I need to go take care of another thing on my list. I'm getting so tired of this all.

Christmas Fun

Last week we went to our library for their storytime that is focused on Christmas. My boys sat the entire time. Believe me, when S. was 2 that never happened! It's funny how two boys raised by the same parents can be so different. Not that I'm complaining! At any rate, then Santa Claus came. My boys were first in the line to meet him and tell him what they wanted for Christmas. As you can see, Tot was clearly not impressed. He did sit on his lap and thankfully didn't cry, though.

My boys LOVE the library! Our new library was built three years ago, and the youth section is awesome! The boys are always excited to go, which warms my heart since reading is very important to me. As you can see, S. is into the abacus, and Tot has a book along with a favorite puzzle.
One of my favorite things that I have done this Christmas season is making a ginderbread house with the girls. This is my first time ever making one. My friend lost her mother when she was in her 20's and her mother was in her 50's just like my mom. She also had to watch her mom's health deteriorate right before her eyes. Oh, and her mother was misdiagnosed as well. My point here is that the holidays are very hard for her too. Finally, someone understands me. I'm not saying that people don't try to sympathesize with me, but it's like anything, unless you've experienced something you can't truly know what it's like. Anyway, this friend tries hard to make the holiday more fun. So this year she invited me, along with some other ladies, to make a gingerbread house. I had so much fun!

Now that the boys are getting older, primarily S., I am enjoying the season a bit more. Now I am scared about how I'm going to feel after Christmas. Last year was so hard, ever harder than the season itself. Any suggestions on how to make after the holidays better??? Anything you do to make it more fun or at least bearable??? PLEASE share it with me no matter how small.

Busy Bee

I guess I sort-of left things on a not too happy note. Things have actually been pretty good this week for our family. I found a babysitter! I'll say it again. I FOUND A BABYSITTER!!! On Tuesday, Hubby and I got to go Christmas shopping by ourselves! I had forgotten what it felt like being alone with my husband. The last time we were out alone, we went to a wake. Yeah, I just don't consider that a fun evening for two. Oh, the last fun event that we went to alone was our former baby sitter's wedding on September 22nd. And I don't know about anyone else, but weddings just aren't fun to me.

Yesterday, though, was so much fun! Hubby's work had a holiday party at a new, ritzy hotel. At first, I so didn't want to go. Hubby was telling me how creative these people are in the division he works at now. And also how they will not be dressed how I dress, which is conservatively. I'll admit it guys, I am not the swankiest dresser. No, I'll take that back. If the outfit is in black or dark brown, I'm there. I think I just feel safe in those colors. This time, though, I decided to try something new. I bought a new outfit, right down to the burgundy, pointed crocodile shoes. I bought cool jewelry, and new, hip pants. Man, did I have fun shopping! The main part of my outfit was grey/black, but hey, did I mention the burgundy shoes and cool jewelry??? AND, the pants were super hip. Not my usual mom-like church clothes. I finally decided to try something new. An outfit that I've wanted to buy, but had nothing to wear it to. AND, it turns out I was dressed perfectly for the event. Get this. I even got compliments on my outfit, and asked where I got it from. Let me say this, that does not happen often. I was so proud of myself for taking a risk. I felt great! Dare I say that I actually felt attactive and not like a frumpy mom.

Since this is a new division of the company, I was worried that we wouldn't have anyone to talk to. There were over two-hundred people there. Then I always worry about my stay-at-home status. People always ask me what I 'do' for a living. Man, do I hate that question! I was wrong about that. I found several people who used to be teachers, so we had a lot to talk about. I also talked to this very nice woman who stays at home too. I will tell you that I talked to as many or more people than my husband. He never had to worry about leaving me alone, and for the first time, I didn't worry at all about being left. I had a great time. I love this new division! Everyone is so nice. Not that his old division of the company was not. They were just a little stuffier. For instance, Hubby used to wear suits every day. Now polos and casual pants are fine. He also gets to wear jeans on Fridays, and in the summer some of the people wear shorts. I am so happy Hubby got a promotion. I'm happy for him, and I'm happy for me. It's been a very good change for all of us.

As for me, I have hardly had time to sit down the entire week. Between Christmas shopping, tumbling, preschool drop-off, meetings, parties at various companies, well I am tired! Maybe that's why I keep rambling. Right now things are good, and I pray that is how they remain. Christmas is hard for me, but after Christmas is harder. You know, when things slow down and you have way too much time to think. I don't do well with too much time on my hands.

Hopefully, It Doesn't Come in Threes!

Well, our friends' divorce is going to happen. The husband called, and was in tears when he was talking about it. He said he still loves her, and wants to go to counseling, but his wife has made up her mind. It has only been a week since she told him. I imagine it must be very difficult for them both. We told him that we aren't going to take sides, but that we will support them in any way we can. I don't live with either of them, so I don't know what has been happening in their marriage. All I know is that I am very sad for them.

Well, that's the first thing that happened this weekend. The second was when we received word that a man from our church passed away unexpectedly. His wife knew my mom and her battle with cancer. I also was in a Bible Study class with her. At any rate, she had just finished HER last treatment for breast cancer. To celebrate, they went to Las Vegas. One of the days they were there, he complained of having a headache and being tired. He went to sleep and never woke up. I was shocked. These people are so awesome. Again, I was shocked by this information. It felt like it couldn't be true. I just saw him. But it is true just like our friends' divorce.

I so hope nothing else bad happens. You always hear about these things happening in threes. I pray that that doesn't happen here!

***Update on Ryan's asthma: We went to the doctor yesterday. Luckily, his lungs sounded good. The doctor doesn't want him going out much due to the cold air causing asthma attacks. He then gave me a referral for a Pediatric Pulmonologist from the children's hospital. I'm glad about that! He has had too many attacks already. I feel so bad for him! He is still continuing to take Singular once a day, and Pulmacort twice a day through a nebulizer. Poor baby!

What Would You Say?

I just got a phone call from a good friend of ours. She is divorcing her husband. She and her husband were one of the couples we loved spending time with. We were so alike, and loved many of the same things. We have been friends for longer than Hubby and I have even been married. Her husband and I worked together, and hit it off, so we decided to get together with our significant others. From that first night out, we became close friends.

Together, we've gone through the beginnings of marriage, the birth of children as well as discussing our jobs as teachers. They supported us through infertility as well as my mother's death. We went to each others children's birthday parties, and loved going downtown to visit museums or have dinner sans kids. Basically, we loved them. They were family to us.

I feel like I am one of the children in regards to the disappointment and dread I feel in the pit of my stomach right now. And no, we had absolutely no idea. Two years ago, they moved about an hour from here, so we don't see each other as often as we'd like to. However, the last time we saw them, everything seemed good. They seemed to be the good couple they had always been. No, things were not perfect, but I don't know anyone's marriage that is. I just don't know what to say. I have never been in this position before. I hope we can continue to be friends with both of them, but is that even possible? Can it become a reality? I certainly don't want to choose sides, and I don't think they would expect that, but I don't know. This is new territory for me. What do you do in a situation like this? Any advice or personal stories about it and what you did would be appreciated. I'm currently still in shock about this, and I am very, very sad.

A lot of Little Things

Last week Hubby's sister brought over the twins for a visit. It was our first time seeing them, and they were SO cute! I thought holding a 10 week old baby would make me want to have another, but it didn't. It really made me realize how much I like having children who can take care of things for themselves and can communicate their wants and needs. Plus, they don't have to eat every two to three hours, which is definitely a plus! S. loves babies, and was so happy to hold one of his cousins as was I.
On Sunday, we put up our new Christmas tree. This time we bought a lovely 7 1/2 foot pre-lit tree. Boy, did that save us time! Hubby used to take 2 hours to put lights on the tree, and by the time he was done, no one really cared to put up the tree anymore. He also has blown fuses on several occasions because he put too many lights on the tree. Another thing I like about this tree is that it comes in only three pieces. On our former tree, we had individual branches. I hated having to put each branch on the tree one by one! Between those branches and the lights, well, I stopped enjoying putting up the tree! We also put a lighted train up outside, as well as under the tree. Tot LOVES trains. He now looks at them all the time, and says, "Choo-choo lights" and "Choo-choo tree" every time he wakes up and all day long. It is too cute!

***Tot, S. and Daddy putting ornaments on the tree.

Tot looking under the tree as Daddy starts to put the train up.

Oh, the Irony is NOT Lost on Me & Update

The other day, Hubster came home and told me that his company will be getting new insurance starting January 1st. This lovely plan is going to cost us a lot more money, because it covers way less than the old one. Prescriptions will, at the least, cost us $40. The amount you pay is determined on what 'level' the drug is on in their system. With all of tot's asthma medication, as well as my multiple prescriptions, we are going to be paying out of our noses. Pisses me off! At any rate, guess what they do cover now??? Infertility. The assholes cover infertility now. We lost a huge chunk of our savings, and now the bastards decide to cover it. Hubby told me to get over it. It's in the past. Now, I am not super, all consuming angry, but I have to admit that it really pisses me off. Do you know what we could have done with the thousands upon thousands we had to spend on tests for a diagnosis that only told us that there was no known cause. Then the fertility drugs, ultrasounds, blood work, consultations with the RE when nothing seemed to be working, the egg retrieval with anesthesia. Then Hubby gets a vasectomy, so no more babies for me. A year later, his company NOW would have paid for another try at having a child. Now I don't know if I even would have tried again, but it would have been nice to know that I COULD have. Oh, the irony is not lost one. Not one bit.

***We got the estimate on the bathroom. It was more than I thought it would be. We believe it's fair though. We're talking about doing it. We'll see what happens.

'80's Chic'

I hate my bathroom; I always have. However, spending thousands of dollars in fertility treatments, and the cost of actually taking care of said kids, is very expensive as most of you know. Three years ago we gutted our kitchen, because it was even worse than my bathroom! Hubby has finally agreed to getting estimates, and if we can afford it, going ahead and gutting the bathroom. The contractor just called left a message. I need to call him to find out his estimate, and I am scared it will be too much and I'll have to live in the '80's chic' bathroom forever! Now here are some pictures of the bathroom so you can all see how nasty it truly is. After you see these pictures, I ask you , could you live with this?

Above is the lovely wallpaper. Isn't it beautiful? And the faucet, the top piece fell off a few years ago. I didn'y fix it because I was determined that I was going to remodel the bathroom, so I wasn't going to spend one more dime on this bathroom.

This is the inside of my vanity. It is plywood. In the middle cabinet, apparently there was a leak, so it now is uneven and gross. Below you will the beautiful cabinetry. Nope, not really wood either. Just some kind of presswood afixed to plywood. Not even a wood veneer. How cheap and disgusting!

Oh, aren't these lights something special! Can I tell you how hard it is to apply make-up with this shabby lighting! And how ugly!

The floor below is quite impressive too. Yuk!

Excess

(click on the picture to see it better)

Do you think my youngest son has enough clothes? This does not even include his pajamas, undershirts, socks and summer clothes. I also just gave away two boxes of the clothes he's outgrown!

In my defense, I could not find a box of S.'s old clothes. I kept asking myself where certain things were, but I could not find them. He only had two outfits to wear to tumbling, so I decided I needed to go out and buy some. Being that I had the new clothes for several weeks before I found the box, I ended up washing them all. I can't return them now. He has two of many of the same things. Two exactly the same gray shirts, grey pants, multiple turtlenecks, pants, you name it. What a waste! Looking at his wardrobe I estimate that we spent over a thousand dollars on Tot's wardrobe alone. Wasn't this having two kids of the same gender supposed to keep the cost of clothing down, because one would be wearing hand-me-downs?

Several of the items I bought were from when my mom died. I am an emotional shopper big time, and it is so easy to buy kids' clothes. Rarely does one of them have to try something on. Me, well, I almost always have to try things on. With at least one child. You moms all know how easy that is. Nope, not easy at all! Kind of explains why my kids are way better dressed than I am. A friend of mine once said that I treat my boys like dolls. I am always dressing them up in nice-looking clothes. Whether its jogging pants or church clothes, everything always matches. Can you imagine me with a girl! Anyway, is anyone else like this, or am I the only kids clothing freak???

How To Make Someone Uncomfortable

Two days ago, a close co-worker of Hubby's, husband died. Did you follow that? Anyway, we plan on going to the wake. I looked in my closet for my 'wake/funeral' outfit. As I did I remembered how I had bought it for my mom's funeral. I remember going into Petite Sophisticate with Hubby and my, at the time, six-month old son. A salesperson came up to us and asked if I needed help. Since I didn't have the energy to look at the whole store, I told her that yes, I could use her help. She then asked me what I was looking for. I told her that I was looking for a suit to wear to my mother's wake and funeral. I bet she was happy she asked if I needed help! She gave me this look like she didn't know what to say. I did end up finding what I needed, and I am sure the salesperson was so glad when I left. I think that was the most uncomfortable I have made anyone feel. I think knowing that was the only thing that made me laugh for weeks to come. I mean, how would you feel if someone came up to you needing help to find an outfit to wear to their dead mother's funeral? I'm certain I ruined her day!

Difference in Opinion

This past weekend, the protesters were back at it at our Planned Parenthood Express; they don't perform abortion services that's why they are considered an 'express'. What usually bothers me about these particular protesters is the graphic signs they carry. Oh, and I can't stand how they have their children standing there with them seeing those signs for hours. But what bothers me most is that MY children have to witness these signs. I'm telling you, they are scary! I respect every person's right to make their own choices and develop their own opinions on this matter. I really do. This is America, and that right is protected under the law. I respect that. However, I do not approve of the yelling, the name-calling, and the trying to block the entrance to these clinics. Why aren't these womens' rights important?

Have your opinion on abortion. That's fine. However, abortions are only a small percentage of the services Planned Parenthood provides. Did you know they provide adoption placement, mammograms, prenatal care, STD testing and treatments as well as birth control and many other services? It's hard for me to understand why these same people are upset about birth control being provided. I mean, what century is this? I thought that had been worked out. I seriously thought most of the protesters were there because of abortions. Turns out I was not correct. The services that PP provides actually prevents more abortions from being performed. Also, a lot of these clinic are in disadvantaged, poor communities where most of these women do not have health insurance and otherwise could not afford these much needed services. I mean we all know how important prenatal care is, as well as mammograms. I can't tell you what would have happened if my mother didn't have insurance that payed for her mammograms. I suspect she would have died in a year or less. Why, oh, why would anyone want a PP clinic to be shut down? Where would these people go?

As I've said before, everyone has a right to their opinion, but don't force yours down my throat. Don't try to take away MY rights. We fought hard for womens' rights. We fought hard to be able to have birth control options. We have fought hard to be treated almost as equally as men are. Don't take that all away based on abortions preformed at PP. By the way, the World Health Organization has found that abortion rates do not decrease when it is deemed illegal by a country. Go ahead and read these blogs if you're interested in finding out more: ppaurora.blogspot.com and iamemilyx.blogspot.com.

Boys Will Be Boys!

The other day, I went to Target and bought a few 'essentials'. I admit that I did not unpack the bags right away. My boys must have seen an opportunity. When I came downstairs, I found them using my box of tampons as a road. I wish I had the camera close by. You know, as ammunition for their teenage years!

Pink

Every time November comes, I breath a sigh of relief. It's not like I don't enjoy fall, I do especially since the weather was so nice this year. The reason I don't particulary care for October is because it's Breast Cancer Awareness month. Now I am happy that so much money is raised for research during that month. We need to eradicate this disease, and like everything else, we need money to do it. It's just that everywhere I go during October there are pink ribbons, pink jewelry, pink everything. I really think that many retailers are making money off this disease. I choose to make a donation to the Susan G. Komen fund directly. Well, I admit that I do have breast cancer license plates, and only $25 of that fee goes toward breast cancer awareness. Foe those of you who don't already know, my mom died of breast cancer 4 1/2 years ago at the young age of 51. Every year during October I am bombarded with everything breast cancer. It just makes me miss my mom even more than I normally do, which is a lot.

My son's birthday also makes me very sad. Yes, I love my son and enjoy celebrating every brithday with him. The thing is that my mom was there at S.'s birth. In fact, she was the first one to hold him! My mom was pronounced terminal when S. was only 10 days old. She was given only 6-9 months to live. She survived only 6 months. S. was so special to her. She even began chemo. treatments again, something she swore she'd never do again. She said she wanted to live longer so she could see S. grow up. I remember being at her house often, and the only thing that made her feel better was holding S. We knew we were on borrowed time. Trying to fit a lifetime in mere months was overwhelming. I worried every day that I would get 'the' phone call telling me she had died during the night. I didn't want to miss that. I wanted to be there until the end. Luckily, I was.

I've saved everything that my mom bought for S. Clothes, books, puzzles. She even bought some things for him to open when he was older. She also wrote him a letter, as she did for me. On S.'s birthday, I got down his memory boxes. I felt he was old enough now to appreciate and understand. As I went through each of the things that I saved, I had tears in my eyes. I didn't expect to feel that way. Seeing my mom's handwriting on his Christening card, first Valentine's Day card etc. really was hard for me. Earlier I thought it would be cool to show S. the tapes we had made from when he was a baby. The first one had my mom in it. My mom and I were sitting on the couch going through the scrapbook she made for my 30th birthday. As the camera was on us, you could hear our conversation. It was so easy, it flowed. It reminded me again what a special relationship we had. And it's over. We can never get it back. After that video were the videos of S.'s fifth and sixth month. The sixth month one was especially hard for me. I know now that she only had a few days left until she died. I didn't know that then. Maybe ignorance is bliss. I don't know. After that part of the video, I had to leave the room. I ran upstairs and sobbed, something I haven't done in a long time. I hadn't seen those tapes since right after she died. I can't believe they affected me this way, but they did. I thought it would be good to see them, but it wasn't.

Yesterday I sighed in relief until I realized it would have been my parents' 38th wedding anniversary. I made sure I called my dad right away because it is always a hard day for him. Too many things on the calendar that make us remember her. Some are good, but some are bad. Strangely, though, she has been in my dreams every night for months. This happened first right after she died, but it's been awhile since it's been that way. The dream mainly goes like this. She looks as though she's dying, but comes back healthy again. Then I realize she is still going to die, and I get very sad. This is kind of like her life was. She would have ups and downs. We never knew what to expect, and I still have guilt over what I wished I had done for her. I guess hindsight is 20/20. Today is November 2nd. The holidays are coming, but that's a whole other post.

Too Close To Home (No Pun Intended)

Remember how I went to San Diego two months ago? Yah. My grandfather is close to the fires. He said they have had to keep their windows and doors closed due to all of the smoke. The mall that is close by to him is now serving as an evacuation center. My uncle, on the other hand, lives in the Los Angeles area with his family. Just a few short miles from the fires. There have been fires around my family's homes before, but this time I am very concerned. As in calling in the morning and at night just to make sure everyone is okay. Please say a prayer for my family as well as the thousands of others that have either lost their homes, or may if the fire switches directions. It makes me wonder if the house I used to live in is there anymore.
***The picture in the right-hand side of my blog was taken in the San Diego area in August. It is the most beautiful place. Hubby and I have talked about moving there, but not anymore. Too scary.

Good News???

Yesterday my therapist called and told me the woman whom she had contacted re: the adoption finally called back. She had been out of town on business. Anyway, she gave us her number, but told us some things about the bio-mother that really worry me. Apparently, she has stopped seeing the OB that this woman set her up with. She said that she doesn't know what kind of prenatal care this mom has been getting, if any. She then said to make sure who she says is the father really is the father. She doesn't want to see a family broken up if the real father were to come forward and want the child back. Those of you from IL might remember the 'Baby Richard' case from a decade ago. The child was over 7 when the state gave custody back to the birth parents because the father didn't know about the child, thus his rights were never terminated. I couldn't go through that. My therapist is going to call the bio-mom today. Then she is going to call us. I told my therapist that she is a good judge of character, and to let me know her opinion after she talks with the bio-mom.

The ironic thing is that I had resolved myself that the adoption was not going to happen. I had gotten used to the idea that we would not be adopting. Well, all I can do is pray that the bio-mom at least talks with my therapist. I am in wait mode, and I don't do well with waiting. I'm not the most patient person in these matters. And now I'm not even sure if adopting this child would be a good idea given the birth mother's obvious issues. I have to worry about my boys, Hubby and I first and foremost. I have to think whether this would be good for them or not. We'll see what happens. Waiting is never easy.

The Trivial

The friend of mine who knows the woman who's giving up her baby, wow that's a mouthful!, still hasn't heard back from her. It's been three weeks. She called her again yesterday, but I think reality is sinking in to me. I don't think this adoption is going to happen. I have said that if it wasn't going to work out, I'd rather she decide that in the beginning before we got into things financially and emotionally. If things change, I will certainly let you all know, but I doubt that they will.

Onto the trivial. I'm the leader of a Mothers of Preschoolers group. We meet once a month, and our mission is to support moms who have children 0-6. I have been a member of this group for four years, but this is my first year leading. Anyway, there has been nothing but problems since our last meeting which was a month ago. I've had other people call meetings behind my back where I am the last person to find out, others make decisions without running it by me first, countless e-mails every. single. day. and just today I get an angry e-mail from a woman who sent out an e-mail with the wrong information. What was my offense? I asked her nicely to correct it lest the other group members get confused. I had sent out an agenda of this Friday's meeting which she clearly had not read. Not she is saying she's resigning from e-mailing altogether, and only doing the financial part of her job.

What I really felt was rude was that she attached my e-mail to her to the e-mail she sent to everyone else. I mean, are we in high school again??? Because I am the bigger person, and believe if you are angry with someone you CALL them and not e-mail them, I called her. Of course, she didn't answer. I left a message, a nicer message than I feel she deserved. I even left the times when she could call me. Guess what? She never called back. If this Friday's meeting is bad, I think I'm going to resign. This 'volunteer' job has been taking time away from my family, making me angry and giving me a stomachache nearly every day. I mean THIS IS CHURCH people! I'm clearly frustrated, and really pissed off. Any advice???

Inappropriate-Who Knew?

My husband and I were watching 'Sex in the City' the other night. It was the episode where Mr. Big calls Carrie because his Hollywood girlfriend dumped him. (This is the first year I have actually watched this show. I know, I'm a loser.) Anyway, Carrie invites him to the cabin Aiden and her are going to for the weekend. I told Hubby that I felt it was inappropriate to invite your ex-boyfriend to your home, especially when your current boyfriend is not fine with it. Hubby then says to me,"I also think it's inappropriate to talk to an ex-boyfriend while you're dating someone else." It took me a minute, but I realized he was talking about me. See my ex-boyfriend called me a few months into my dating Hubby. Hubby was going through this 'I don't know what I want stage.' So when the ex invited me to have coffee, I accepted. Hey, Hubby didn't know what he wanted, right?! I then told Hubby about the invitation. I wanted him to tell me not to go. Instead, he said something like 'he couldn't stop me, or do what you want to do'. I took that as meaning he didn't care, and hadn't figured anything out about our relationship. I wanted him to tell me not to go, and I wouldn't have. I wanted him to be jealous. There was no hint of that, so I went.

I went and my ex told me that he had no feelings for me; he was afraid that he would. Then he told me that he was still very attracted to me. Now, I have to tell you, he was gorgeous. So good-looking that I wondered why he was with me. Let's just say that I was still very attracted to him. I wonder if Hubby would have thought it 'inappropriate' for the ex to tell me he wanted to have sex with me? I didn't say no exactly. I told him I'd call him.

My plan was to see if Hubby had figured out what exactly he wanted. I also wanted to be appreciated, and for him to be happy I was in his life. That weekend, I found out he was very happy to be with me. He turned into the man I know and love today. I called my ex the next week, and said I was with Hubby and no sex was going to be happening. He said he knew I'd call and say that. It was hard to refuse seeing my ex when Hubby was being such an ass. Let's just say my ex is 'gifted' in certain activities. Plus, have I said how good-looking he was? It was very easy, though, to make that phone call after Hubby and I decided to continue our relationship. We both talked about that. Believe me, I told Hubby there would be no more 'I'm not sure what I want', or I'd be out of there! Obviously, he never said that again.

Is It Wrong?

Let me give you a short rundown on the situation before you give me an answer.

A few years ago, I was involved in a 'mom's group' of people who were very fertile. And wealthy. And pretty. Don't ya' hate them already? But anyway, back to the point. There seemed to be a competition of who would get pregnant again first. I was VERY open about my infertility, despite the fact that I was the first to start trying for #2, and the last to get pregnant, but I'm not bitter:) Anyway, no one seemed sympathetic to what I was going through, and after every single one of them got pregnant, that was ALL they would talk about. There were days I went home crying. Can we ask, does anyone have any tact??? One day the talk centered around how many children each person was going to have. Have not try for. One of the moms, who happens to have a very large home, said right in front of me, infertile myrtle, "I am going to fill up all of our bedrooms." Say what??? What pissed me off was that she knew what I was going through, the fact that I was starting my first IVF, and she STILL said something as thoughtless as that. At any rate, she had one boy. She desperately wanted a girl, while I simply wanted to get pregnant and carry to term.

So, she gets pregnant again. She had no qualms about telling us she wanted a girl. Second child is born. It's a boy. Fast forward to last winter. She's pregnant again. She has another boy. Therefore, I ask you: Is it bad to get some satisfaction from this woman not getting what she wanted? I guess she'll have to try again for that girl. Oh, and this time, since she's 36, it will be considered a high risk pregnancy with all of the extra tests. No, she won't ever know what it feels like to be me, but I know what it feels like to not get something I wanted. And now she does too. Ah, satisfaction...

So Much To Do, So Little Time

First off, I'd like to say I am sad the Cubs lost last night. Sad, but unfortunately, not surprised. In addition to that, our Bears seem to suck this year. Teachermom, don't rub it in:) I have tried to get into football for the sake of my marriage, if I didn't I wouldn't see my husband for months, but when our team is so bad it's really hard. I'm also getting tired of hearing my husband yell at the TV for pretty much the whole game. And my yelling at the TV last night during the Cubs game? It doesn't count, okay!

Tomorrow there are three things I need to do at the same time. One, is S.'s preschool is having a field trip at the fire station. Yes, on Columbus Day. It's a Christian preschool; I've already gone over this with several different people. Well, because it is Columbus Day, I can't find anyone to watch Tot, and he cannot come on any preschool field trips. Lovely, eh? So, that means, I can't go on the field trip. I have to leave S.'s car seat at the preschool so some other mom can take my child in their car to the station. Can you say overprotective? Yes, I know. I am so nervous about someone else taking my son in their car that I can't sleep. I keep envisioning the worst case scenario, and kicking myself because I should have just kept him home that day if I couldn't drive him myself. My husband thinks I'm crazy.

I received a call reminding me that I have a doctor appointment tomorrow. I made this appointment two months ago, so I have to go. Well, since I can't go on S.'s field trip, this shouldn't be a problem, right? Wrong. Tot's tumbling class is at, you guessed it, the same time!
Obviously, he is missing his class. I actually look forward to this class since a friend of mine attends it with her son too. I feel bad for the Tot, but what can I do? I also need to grocery shop. Yippee! Funsville.

Do you ever feel like you have so much to do, and none of it is fun? I know life isn't supposed to be all roses, but come on.

On the adoption front, I'm going to take it easy on it. I'll think about it when, if, I hear anything. If it's meant to be, it will be. If not, it's better to find that out right away. I have a great family with the two boys. I know that. I'm also protecting myself, so I don't get my heart broken. Because, really, what are the chances it will really happen anyway?

Murphy's Law & Update

Our air conditioner officially stopped working today. Normally this would not be a problem for October 5th in Illinois. However, today our high temperature will be 86 degrees. By Sunday it will be 90 degrees; we could even set a record! I am sweating already, and the windows and fans are all going strong. Tot and I took a drive around just to put the air conditioning on in the van! This is crazy that it is so hot still. I love warm weather, really love it, but not this hot. Oh, well. I told Hubby that at least we know to replace it before next summer. Plus, I'm sure we're more likely to be able to get a repairman over here now than in winter or the dog days of summer. I'm just so hot right now that it's hard to see the good in my air conditioning breaking now.
***Update--I talked to my therapist who put in a call to the woman who is faciliating the private adoption. She is currently on a business trip, but my therapist assures me she will call as soon as she hears from her. It appears the girl/woman is 4 months pregnant, or about that, and possibly of college age. That's all I know for now. We'll see. I'm not counting on anything yet. I don't want my heart to get broken.

Coming Clean

After nearly six weeks of trying to figure it out on my own, I finally talked to Hubby about possibly adoption a third child. I have to tell you, I was so nervous that I almost couldn't get the words out. I can't tell you how surprised I was when Hubby took it so well, and we actually had a very good conversation about it. We discussed both of our concerns: how the boys would do with it, if we have enough space, possible health and behavioral concerns, age and ethnicity that we are comfortable with, and of course whether or not we would financially be able to give all three children a good life. We decided that we are fine with a hispanic child, as baby girl is, or a bi-racial caucasion/hispanic.

My therapist asked me this week what the difference between an agency adoption and a private adoption. When I explained, she said to me that she knew someone who is looking to place a child. Hubby feels much more comfortable with this idea as we would know more about the mother's health. I told him that a county adoption would cost us about $2,000 with lawyers fees included in that amount. Then I told him that a private adoption could cost us well over $20, 000-$30,000. He told me not to worry about the money, that we would find a way if this is what we are meant to do. I really don't think a private adoption would work out anyway, and I cannot get my hopes up about it at all.

I have decided to take my time thinking about this. Thinking about whether this is what we should do or not. Adopting a child would make a huge change to our lives. Also, even though we certainly not wealthy, it would change our lifestyle big time. So, I have decided to pray about it, and see what happens. I don't feel the anxiety over waiting too long like I did with the infertility, which is really nice. At any rate, does anyone have any experience with adoption with the exception of international adoption. That is the one where we actually know people who have done it. I know I do not want to do an international adoption, too. So if you have adopted domestically, whether through an agency or through your state, please leave a comment about how that all went. It would really help our decision-making process!

Update On Baby Girl

Every time I go to church, I stop in the nursery to take a look at that cute little baby girl. I always ask the nursery attendant how 'our' little girl is doing, all the while knowing I will never be her mom. The other day when I sat and talked to her, Tot got in between us. Little jealous dude! I have never seen that side of him before. He wanted my attention, but he never touched the baby.
The situation for baby girl is bleak. Her mom is a 16-year old, and baby girl is her second child. She had her first at 14, and abused that baby, which was taken away from her. Therefore, when baby girl was born, she was immediately taken away too. The mom has to get custody back of child #1 before she can get baby girl back. This is why these kids languish in the foster/adoption system. The 'system' gives the parents too long to get their act together. Many times they never do, or they don't agree to sever their parental rights until the children are older and much harder to adopt. This is what my fear is for baby girl. Her mom gets visitation, and breastfeeds her on the weekend, so I doubt she's giving up custody any time soon. I tell you guys, I never in a million years saw this coming. Never thought I'd ever consider a county adoption. But I tell you, if there was any way at all that we could adopt baby girl, I'd do it in a heartbeat, and she'd be the most spoiled little girl in many ways!

I Have Become Comfortably Numb

Lately I have been feeling completely overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with things that don't provide me with a sense of happiness or contentment. They are just things that I need to do, and although I try my best most of the time, it never seems to be good enough. There is always some problem or wrench put into the plans. For example, I am the MOPS, Mother of Preschoolers, coordinator/leader. How I got roped into that one I don't know! Anyway, we had our first meeting, and another member and I talked about how it would be good to get together with all of the members of our 'team' and discuss what we feel needs to be improved and what worked out well. We decided a nighttime meeting would work best. Many of us have kids of varying ages, and thus varying schedules, so waiting until the dads get home to watch the kids seemed to be the best idea. I also suggested going to this fun restaurant for a light dessert while we talk. I e-mailed everyone the idea, and suggested a few dates. Of course, now I'm getting people suggesting the daytime, like around 9:00 when those of us with preschool kids are dropping them off. Plus, I can't even talk on the phone when my kids are around, let alone talk in front of them at some one's house. The woman who suggested that said she has a sitter who comes 9:00-10:30. Again, many of us can't make it at 9:00. Then another mom e-mailed me that she has a problem getting her husband to come home early. I scheduled the meeting at 7:00. Now, believe me, I know what it's like to have a husband who works long hours, I do, but come on. I would be willing to change the time to later to accommodate that. Well, she nurses, and puts her son to bed between 7:30 and 8:30. I'm beginning to think just fuck it because it's just not worth the hassle. I guess I'll just do the next meeting my way, and if they have any problems they can e-mail me. This 'volunteer' job is just a pain in the ass, and a lot more work than the former leader told me.

I'm also currently undergoing 'baby lust'. After seeing that cute baby girl in the nursery at church I have been dreaming about parenting another. If I could adopt her, I would jump at the chance, and go through all the hoops that adoption entails. However, after looking at the county adoption website, it seems like a very hard thing to do. And I won't even consider adopting at places like 'The Cradle', due to the expense and the long wait. Plus, the percentage of moms who reconsider is 60%. I can't go through that. Looking at all of the profiles of possible adoptive parents makes me cry. The desperation is overwhelming. I have two healthy boys, how can I take a baby away from these people who have none? With the county there is a lot of red tape to go through such as severing parental rights, parenting classes, etc, etc...My aunt and uncle adopted two children this way, and it wasn't easy. The most compelling reason to adopt to me is the fact that I would not have to go through another bout of PPD. I'll be able to enjoy this child from day one. I can revel in the pretty outfits, sit and rock the baby without tears rolling down my face, and not have to physically recover from a c-section all while I am dealing with PPD and trying to take care of my other children.

I then I think about doing another IVF. Then I think about the expense, the drugs and the very real possibility that it won't work. Oh, and if it does I will likely have PPD to deal with again. Not a smart move, and not fair to my family who has to pick up the slack. I didn't really enjoy my second pregnancy much, and I gave away all of my maternity clothes. Oh, and my husband did have that little snip-snip done, so then we'd have to deal with donor sperm. Maybe we'd have to also deal with donor eggs because I don't respond well to the drugs. Then what would I tell the baby when he/she is older? I'm already wondering how to explain the IVF to Tot. Essentially that baby would be adopted because it would have neither my nor Hubby's genetic material. I also worry about how the baby would feel being the only non-biological child in the family. I worry about this in regards to the county adoption as well. But I want another one of these.

So enough rambling by me. I've got a lot of things going on in my mind. I have not talked about any of it with my husband. Well, I hypothetically mentioned the IVF to my husband. The thing is he would have been fine having another child, but I insisted I didn't want one. And then he got the big V. to make sure it never happened. What was I thinking? Yeah, the PPD fueled that decision. Anyway, nothing right now is exciting me, and I don't know what to do about it.

Disturbing

Just a moment ago I got a phone call. It read 'Arizona number' on my caller idea. Since I have family in Arizona, and there has been some illness in such family, I decided I better answer it ASAP. When I did it sounded like a telemarketer. He asked me one question,"Do you consider yourself to be pro-life?" Now this is a 4:30 PM while my children are playing. What right does this man have to ask me, someone he doesn't know, a question like that! Anyway, what was he going to do with the information? No, I did not stay on the line long enough to find out. Pro-life or not, this was pretty creepy. Whose business is it anyway what I believe! It just makes me angry that these people have my name, and said it correctly which rarely happens. This was not a cold call. They knew who I was before calling so I must be on some list that someone sold to them. I know I'm rambling, but this is really creeping me out. I'm just so sick of the abortion debate.

A Planned Parenthood has been built in a surrounding suburb, and of course people picketed it, and now they are going to court to stop it from opening. Now whatever your views on abortion are, I bet most women want access to birth control and good gyncological care. There are women who can't afford that. But because abortions, which are still legal, are performed there, the pro-life picketers don't want this clinic to open. This is on the news all the time. Every time I turn around, there is a debate. I am really tired of it. And now, a pro-life agency is calling people to do what I don't know. I have never received a call like that, and I hope to never receive one again. Don't pull me into this. I believe woman should receive good medical care, and not just the fortunate ones like myself. And whether someone likes it or not, right now abortions are still legal. Let's move on.

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Am I Crazy? **(Edited)

As I was picking up the Tot on Sunday from our church's nursery, I saw the most beautiful little girl baby. I asked the attendant who she belonged to, and she said she was a foster child of one of our church's families. They take in children whose parents are being counselled on parenting skills and will be receiving their child back, and those children whose parents rights are being severed. These babies have either been physically abused or their mother is a drug addict. Lovely, eh?

Guys, when she looked at me with her huge blue eyes, I fell in love right there. This is NOT like me. I've been dreaming of adopting her. I've researched county adoptions, and I couldn't believe how cheap they are, and all of the support you receive from the county for taking these children. They are considered 'special needs' children, so they often will give you some financial support if needed. We wouldn't need that. Anyway, after closing the door to adoption because of its cost, or the travel involved, my heart seems to be considering it again. I don't know if it's right for us, but when I saw those little eyes I melted. And a little girl to boot! I'm not getting my hopes up, because for one thing I don't know her situation. She may not be adoptable. The county likes to do everything in its power to 'preserve' the biological family. Her mother is probably in rehab. detoxing, and when she is done, she'll likely get her back. I just think of the life she could have with us, and the life she will likely have with her mother. It makes me sad. I don't even know how to go about finding out her situation, and what we would need to do anyway if she were to be adoptable. I mean, we'd likely need a home study, physicals, that sort of thing I know. But we haven't even begun the process, so how could we even get her? Does anyone have any experience in county adoptions?

***I talked with someone in the know tonight, and it appears the baby girl is going back to her mother, as well as the other child who was beaten so badly she's blind. I understand wanting to preserve the family, but only to a point. When the situation is so dangerous for these children, I wonder who are they doing this for? And the drug-addicted mothers? I'm sorry, but the relapse rate is what...Yeah. But hey, they're with their biological mothers! I hope those who created the system can sleep at night. I know I couldn't.

The Mother I Thought I'd Be

When I first began having thoughts about becoming a mother, I knew the kind I didn't want to be. I certainly did not want to be the mother who let her kids run around the store, scream at restaurants and throw their food. And I also was not going to be that slovenly mother who let herself go. Oh, no. A mother needs to take time for herself. Her kids aren't everything! Which is true, but reality is so much different that we envision it will be.

When I had my first son, I felt awful about my now slovenly appearance. Oh, man, was that a surprise! I mean come on, no one told me I'd still look pregnant weeks after I'd given birth. Hell, in some ways months after. I'd never been overweight before, and now had a new found understanding of how badly it feels to try and try to lose weight only to find despite my best efforts, and not eating as much, that my weight had plateaued a little sooner than I'd like. In Vicki Iovine's book The Girlfriend's Guide to Surviving the First Year of Motherhood she talks about how you will literally have to beat off the last ten pounds. And forget about fitting into your favorite jeans until at least nine months after giving birth. Yeah, how about never fitting into those pants again! Oh, and those last ten pounds, or so!, well we've come to an understanding. If I don't weigh myself, we can forget that they're even there! I've come to accept that they are not going anywhere ever! And I'm not one of those moms who can say, 'But look at what I got. It's all worth the stretch marks, my sagging stomach, and sleepless nights that have permanently given my face circles under my eyes.' I'm sorry, I'm just not. Oh, sure I love my children with a fierce love that a mama bear possesses. You know, don't mess with my kid or you'll have ME to deal with! But I have to admit, my old body looked better, and I miss it.

When my oldest was born, I was able to go shopping. He loved being out in public, and loved the mall with all of its things to look at. Now my mom died when S. was only six months old, and as I've said before, I am a total emotional shopper. You can imagine what my wardrobe looked like then. Yep. It was fantastic! Coupled with what I term 'the dead mom's diet', I could fit in clothes that I now can only dream about! But I didn't feel good guys, so don't do it. Living mainly on yogurt and caffeine made for one cranky mama! At any rate, I felt like I had followed all my rules to a T. S. was such an easy baby, and for the most part, toddler. At least when we were out. I even received compliments on how wonderfully behaved he was. We took him to four-star restaurants in downtown Chicago, they all have children's menus BTW. We took this kid EVERYWHERE! We didn't stop going out just because we had a kid. I swore I wouldn't do that. S. was also a terrific sleeper. The kid seriously slept through the night at 3 weeks. Yep, I thought it was because of our superior parenting skills. Then came the Tot!

When Tot was born, all of my mandates about the mother I was going to be went out the window. I quickly learned that one child was easier than two no matter what you do. Oh, and the Tot. Not too much a sleeper there for awhile. And the boy liked to get up early for the day. Like 6:00 in the morning early! S. and I are night owls, and not morning people. Well, at least we weren't. We had to learn to adjust! The Tot didn't sleep through the night until five -six months, and by then I thought I'd go crazy from all the lack of sleep! I couldn't figure out what we were doing wrong! Both of the boys were big babies, and both boys ate well. What was the problem? The problem wasn't so much a problem really. I learned that each child has their own identity. They can be different in every way, and it's not our fault. It's just the way they are, and we can't change it. We can only accept them for who they are, and make adjusts in our lives. We cannot control every thing our children do. I now go to bed earlier, and get up early. It's okay really. I get more done now. Not that I wouldn't want to sleep later, but it is what it is. Maybe when they go to college, I'll sleep again.

S.'s love for shopping stopped around the time he learned he could unhook the belt in the stroller and get out! Well, maybe that's when my love for shopping ended. Coupled with a new body, I soon wore pretty much the same clothes over and over. I call it my mom's 'uniform.'. Jeans and a t-shirt. The only variation is that some shirts are long sleeves and some short sleeves. They are comfortable and wash well. And they are not particularly interesting. No nice coordinating outfits for me! I do, however, still put some make-up on my face. I tell myself that because I do that, I haven't 'let myself go'.

My children in contrast, have a beautiful wardrobe! My friends have commented on how I dress my children like they are dolls. They certainly have interesting, coordinated outfits! I found my mother was right when she said you end up putting your kids first. They are a refection on you. Well, at least someone dresses well!

I also swore my kids wouldn't watch too much television. Movies are babysitters, I said. Well, guess what. Movies are babysitters! Big surprise. However, without them, we wouldn't ever eat a dinner that was not prepared by McDonald's. I feel that the nutritional value of a good meal outweighs any negative effect the American Academy of Pediatrics says my kids will get from watching the 'tube'. At least that's what I tell myself!

And lastly, I swore I wouldn't yell or smack my kid on the bottom occasionally and not hard or out of anger so don't report me to Child Services okay!!! Isn't the yelling part especially funny! And you know what? Sometimes one of my kids throws his food, and there are times they won't eat what I've made. I have stuck to the 'This is not a restaurant. If you don't eat what I make than you will be hungry' rule, because, hey, this really isn't a restaurant and you won't die by not eating one meal. You'll also be more likely to eat the next meal I prepare.

So there you go, I have not turned out to be the mother I thought I'd be. Yeah, I screw up sometimes. Sometimes I do the wrong thing. But I love my kids, and I'm doing the best I can. No one is perfect, not even me! Ha! And that's okay. As long as the good outweighs the bad, I think I'm doing an okay job. How about you? Are you the kind of mother you thought you'd be???

Here Ya' Go!

I still can't get the picture to rotate even though it shows it as rotated under my picture account! Sorry!!! The good thing is you can click on it, and really get to see the detail of my shoes. I know you can hardly wait:)!

Being With Grown Ups

(Click on the picture to see it better.)This past Saturday night, Hubby and I went to his annual formal work party. Last year it was at the Museum of Science and Industry. This year it was at the Navy Pier Ballroom. It was very nice. The food was good, the band was too loud but good, and we enjoyed the fireworks very much. What we didn't enjoy were the mosquitos! I had three bites in a short amount of time. I mean what could you do, wear mosquito repellent with your formal dress?! Actually, I didn't even think of the possibilty of a mosquito infestation. Apparently, this has been a record year since we've had all that rain. I tell you, it was very nice to be able to walk outside in San Diego and not have to worry about mosquitos!

At any rate, it was fun being with other adults not having to wipe anyone's hands after we'd finished eating! My brother and SIL even kept our kids overnight so we wouldn't have to wake them up at midnight. We appreciated that very much! So here are some pictures where I actually have a dress on, and a full face of make up! Ya' better look now, it may never happen again!

I'm having some problems with my camera, but wanted to show you my cool shoes. So, ya' know, just turn your head; I'm sorry about this!

Some Musings

While Hubby and I were in San Diego I thought of a few things that were, well, ironic or just plain funny. For those of you who live in Illinois, you know that we had 10 days straight of pouring rain. People experienced flooding of basements, roads flooded, electricity went out, trees were knocked down by the intense wind, and mainly that people who live in the midwest where it rains or snows A LOT just cannot fucking drive in the crap! Hubby and I were so ready to leave, and so were the boys! We even kept telling them that we were going to California and it will not be raining there. I even verified this with my grandfather. I knew it wasn't rainy season, but dammit, I had to make sure that we were going to be dry.

• Musing #1---Don't believe your grandfather or anyone who tells you that it hasn't rained in six months, it isn't even rainy season, so yes Former Teacher, it's NOT GOING TO RAIN!!! Read my lips: NO FLIPPIN' RAIN!!! We left on a Thursday. We went with my grandparents to church on Sunday. Halfway through the sermon, it starts raining! I mean a torrential downpour. And. everyone. was. so. excited. Everyone but us! I know they needed the rain badly, but come ON, why during the ONE week that we're there. Why?!
• Musing #2---We brought a portable DVD player. We had done this last time, and we played movies in the hotel room, which was very beneficial for our son, um....us. Guess what? We got the room with the newish-looking TV, but it was a tease. There wasn't the place to hook up the cables to. UGH!
• Musing #3---Hubby forgot Tot's Baby Einstein CD that he must have when he is falling asleep. Oh, but how lucky we were that he remembered to pack Jack Johnson's musical CD from Curious George. I'm sure the man is talented, but I NEVER want to listen to him again! I don't want to ever hear that song about how fun it is to share, because we know the truth, most of the time it isn't. UGH! I was actually missing Baby Einstein. How sick is that!
• Musing #4---I now know why people stay at hotels that offer suites, and when the children are older, we WILL be looking into that option. Going to bed at 9:30, particularly when you are a night owl, is just awful. Listening to your husband snore, and your children cough due to some virus they caught on the plane, is even worse!
• Musing #5---Even though I've been to California so often, I still forgot how bad the radio's reception can be when you are in the mountains, which you pretty much are all the time. I would be listening to a great song, and then BOOM!, it got all static-y and such. Now I am a big-time music person, so this really bothered me. Note to self: bring CD's next time as the husband gets annoyed when you listen to your MP3 player in the car and can't hear him. Hey, I had to do what I could given what I had to work with.
• Musing #6---Traveling by air with children has its challenges, but know, just know, that you will have to go through security more than once. After the four of us took our shoes off, collapsed the stroller, put our liquids in a container, took off our three backpacks, put my purse on the conveyor belt, placed our DVD player in a special container and went through that walk-thru thing, I pushed Tot over to the left to look at the airplanes while Hubby got everything back together. Now there was NO sign that it was a restricted area. Well, apparently it was, and Tot and I had to go through security AGAIN and do everything that we had just done all over again. UGH! These things don't seem to happen when you are traveling sans kids.
• Musing #7---No matter the brand, no antihistamine will knock my children out. Not even if it always does at home. And yes, they have allergies. Cough, cough....
• Musing #8---Packing while having a bad day only results in packing too much damn stuff. Enough said there.
• Musing #9---When you get home, your TV will totally die with no warning. The TV in your room. Did I mention I have needed the TV on to fall asleep since like the ninth grade? Yes, I know it's a very bad habit. I worked on it this week. Tonight we bought a new TV. Good thing I never developed a nicotine addiction.
• Musing #10---Even though I am so happy that my SIL delivered healthy babies on Saturday, a part of me is, I don't know. Depressed. I always wanted a baby girl, and she was blessed with two. Having babies was so hard for us, and when I did conceive twins, I lost one. So a part of me is jealous, envious. I'm not proud of how I feel, but it is how I feel.

And my final note, San Diego was having a heat wave like I've never witnessed before. You know San Diego is known for its perfect climate. Well, it got so hot, how hot was it?....., that the state called for energy conservation as brown outs could occur without it. Me in 90 degree with no air conditioning= one really cranky woman. There also was a large wildfire burning. And the night before we left, there was an earthquake. We didn't feel it, but it was there. Hubby and I took it all as a sign that we needed to leave southern California!

All in all, our trip was wonderful, but there are always those blips in the road no matter where you go.

Revisiting

First off, I want to thank everyone who posted a comment to my last post. I'm glad I was able to help a few of you, and commiserate with others. Grief is such a hard thing as there is no ending, just ups and downs. It really has helped me to keep this blog, and to release some of the pain that I am experiencing.

This past week my family has been in San Diego visiting my mom's father and brother. Yes, we took two young children on an over four hour plane ride and lived to tell about it! Anyway, California is a second home to me. When the airplane lands, it feels like I've landed in my second home. I've lived there, and I've visited family members too many times to count. We had a lot of fun on our trip. We went to Sea World, the beach, the hotel's pool, but mainly we spent time with family.

My grandfather is 82 years old, and his wife is 92, so I know that each time I see them it may be the last. I try to make sure to spend as much quality as well as quantity time with them. It was great introducing Tot to him for the first time. He never met him, and hadn't seen S. since he was 18 months old! My grandfather's wife cannot travel anymore, and he can't leave her alone. Unfortunately, that means this spry man can't travel either. Every time I see my grandfather and uncle, it feels like a piece of my mom is with me. From the smell of his house to the endless recollections of my mom, I feel her closer to me. That feels so good. I know she would be happy that we went. She told me not to forget my grandfather. The poor man lost his wife and his daughter; that's too much. I was also to remember how sensitive he is. He feels that pain even if he never acknowledges it. So do I.

When I first walked into my grandfather's home, I looked at all of the pictures he had out on display. I saw my mom holding my oldest when he was only mere days old. He was wearing his little Halloween costume, and she was smiling. She looked so happy. I had to turn around because I had tears in my eyes. I remembered the trip that we took together, just her and I, to visit him just ten years ago. We had such a good time, and now she was gone. It felt like there were ghosts surrounding me. The memories just came popping into my head. Our trip there to this house when I was 15, then 18, then 20, then 24, and 31 and now 34. Then all of the countless visits to his former home that he had before he had retired. It confirmed what I felt already. We have lost so much. We all feel that hole in our hearts that no matter what we do, there's no filling it. However, when we do get together, it seems like we saw each other just yesterday. We have such a good time together.

I'm glad we went, even though that meant lugging two carseats on a plane, two children, a stroller, three backbacks, and two pieces of luggage. Man, are Hubby and I sore! Both of the kids were fantastic on the way out there, but Tot was a 'challenge' on the way back! It was definitely worth it, though. Going home always is.

My Kids; My Healers

Yesterday was my mom's birthday; a sad day for me. Actually, I always find the days leading up to it the worst. I watched my brother's wedding video from 1994. Way before the cancer, the chemo. and the pain. It was so nice to see my mom dancing, hear her laugh and remember when life was good. Remember my mom the way she would probably like to be remembered. When the end is so horrible, it is hard to remember that there were good times too. But there were, and here was the proof. The video made me laugh, and it made me cry. I cried because it is proof of all that we have lost. All that I as a woman and a daughter have lost. All that my children have missed out on. The grandma they will never know.

My mom lost her own mom at the young age of 29; her mother was just 57. I was only 30 when my mom died; she was a mere 51. Too damn young to die. My mom was devastated when her mother died; I was too! Knowing my mom would be able to give me advice based on her experience, I asked her how she got through it all. She told me,"Your kids get you through." Those words of wisdom are certainly true. Even my husband agrees with that. If I hadn't have had S. when she died, I know I would have never gotten out of bed. I would live in my own private pain without respite. I mean what would there be to live for? I know I have an awesome husband, but in the midst of all that pain, it's hard to think like that. My mother and I were best friends. My husband believes that I wouldn't have this depression if she had lived, and I whole-heartedly agree.

Anyway, I felt I needed to go visit her at the cemetary. I cut a rose off of one of my bushes that I planted in her memory the summer after she died. It is yellow for the first flowers my dad ever gave her, with pink tips because she felt pink was such a feminine color. The boys and Hubby all came with me. Now S. is starting to understand things, so I felt I needed to tell him why we go there, and what to expect. Well, my husband told him that we were going there to see Grandma Debbie. Now you see where I'm going with this right? Yep. As soon as we got out of the van, S. says,"I don't see anybody." He kept looking around for Grandma Debbie, but couldn't find her and didn't understand why not. Death is such a hard concept for kids to understand!

When we walked over to her grave, I put my rose into her attached vase. Then I asked for some time alone to talk to her. I wished her a happy birthday, and told her I miss her every day. I think of her in the morning when I get up, and when I get ready to go to bed. She is frequently in my dreams too. Then the boys came back up as I had tears in my eyes covered by my sunglasses. The Tot runs up to me and says something he has never said to me,"I love mommy." He then stretches out his arms and gives me a big hug, just what I needed. I told myself maybe that was my mom's way of comforting me. She couldn't do it herself, but my son could. After that, we all prayed together, and then sang happy birthday to Grandma. I had a hard time singing; I was choking up. My boys and I should be singing this to her over a cake and candles, not over a gravestone. I guess it's not for us to decide, and I have to have faith in God that He knew what He was doing when he took her home to Him. I just miss her so much, but my children have gotten me through the worst days; they've given me hope that the next day will be better. That the world is still good, and that I do have something to offer. That I am needed, so I can't go anywhere. My husband has been my rock too. What a patient and loving man he is! So I am here to tell you all of this, because my kids need me. They've gotten me through the roughest, and I owe it to them to be the best mother that I can be. Thanks mom for your wisdom. I'm paying it forward. Your kids get you through when you think you can't go on. They get you through. They really do...

Tot's Newest Obsession

Lately I've been putting Tot into his chair in just a diaper since he usually gets food all over his clothes. Let's just say I am sick of all the extra laundry. Well, since I've begun doing this Tot has been interested in his nipples. Really interested. One morning I turned around and saw my oldest next to him. I heard S. say to Tot," Tot, those are your nipples. Yours are small. Mommy's are bigger." I turned to him and said quietly, "Your Daddy's are bigger too," but I don't think he heard me. I decided that it was too early, also sans coffee, for me to go into any type of explaining. Besides, does anyone know why boys/men have nipples??? I'm sure that little question will be asked soon!

A Great Visit

As some of you may already know, teachermom and I got together, with the kids, this past weekend. She did something I have never done: travel five hours BY HERSELF with two kids! Man, the girl is brave! Everything seemed to just work out. She even arrived within a half hour of when she said she would. How's that for efficiency!

It's just amazing to me that even though we hadn't seen each other in over a year, it seemed as though it had only been a short time. Conversation flowed, and heck, even the kids seemed to be happy to see each other again! My son does the funniest thing; he calls TM's daughter by both her first AND last name. It's like,"Jane Smith, come here. I need you down here." Well, other than the Jane Smith part, he said exactly that. The really cool thing is that both of our oldest children have the same interests. For nearly three days I never had to answer the question,"What time is it?" Yes, they both love to tell time! One would ask the question and the other would do the answering. Too cute! They both also played board games together. At age four, they even played the game Sorry!. I've got to tell you that having TM's daughter with us made my parenting of S. a whole lot easier!

The babies, I mean toddlers, seemed to like having one another around, too. They didn't play together exactly, but they were near each other. Both of the boys love trains, although my son has nothing on TM's son! Wow, does that boy love trains!

Everyone seemed to have fun at the Children's Museum we went to, as well as our town's waterpark. The weather was so hot and humid, that the waterpark was the perfect activity! I also must say that we were all sad to see them go, especially knowing that it will likely be another year before we see them again. My oldest had a particulary hard time. He was acting out, and I knew why. I talked with him about it, and after an appointment I had, I took him to one of his favorite places: the big park. That seemed to help as today he was fantastic!

It amazes me when I think about how we became friends. One word: infertility. After years of crying wanting a baby so badly I could taste it, infertility brought me something good. It brought me this friendship. As most people know who have gone through infertility, you share a lot on the internet boards and blogs about your infertility, and in return receive much needed support. It seems our in-person friends and family don't know what to say or do for us when we are struggling with the inability to do the most basic act in life: have a baby. If it weren't for the internet, teachermom included, I don't know how I would have come out of my struggle with infertility. So infertility left with me with a pain I will never forget, but friendships because of it were formed, including this one. Who would have guessed that six years ago, a comment I posted about Clomid to teachermom would have ended up this way. I'm so glad it did.



***I look about a hundred years old in this picture! Look at all those lines by my eyes. Crow's feet galore! I am hoping that it is just the natural light. Hey, don't laugh! It'll happen to you one day! Teachermom, as usual, looks great in this picture. No crow's feet on her face! BTW, I did send her all the pictures I took, as if you were worried!

Whyyyyyy...,Oh, Whyyyyyy?

There are several things in this world that cause me to gasp 'why', such as when a child dies or the whole 'dogfighting saga' that has erupted here in Illinois. Unfortunately, I am not talking about that asshole Michael? Vick who deserves, in my opinion, to be tied up to a treadmill for days, electrocuted, starved and left to sit in his own feces and then if he can tell me what he experienced was not cruel...well, I doubt even he'd be able to say that it wasn't. But anyway, there are some lesser things that cause to ponder the question 'why' when they happen. Here are just a few:

• Why does it seem that an item I purchased needs either to be price-checked, or I'm overcharged, only when it is something embarressing? Today it was Targ*t's Fiber laxative. Yes, I need to use them because I take medication that, how shall I say this, binds me up. Well, the cashier charged me for two, and I had only purchased one. Of course, I only noticed this after I had payed. I even contemplated not saying anything, but the thrifty side of me said it was nearly SIX DOLLARS! You know what I could buy with that! And yes, I held up the line while the cashier fixed it.
• Why does Costco open at ten o'clock in the morning? Targ*et and Wal-M*rt, as well as Sam's Club open earlier than that. I had to buy some diapers for Tot. I HAD to as there are not many left. I decided to go after I dropped S. off at summer camp. You know, taking one child is a lot easier than bringing two! Anyway, the sign says "Monday-Friday, hours 10AM-10PM or something. You can probably guess that 10AM was a long way off from the time it was right then. I decided to cut through the Targ*t parking lot on my way home, and I checked their hours. They open at 8 o'clock, guys! 8 O'clock! Guess where I bought Tot's diapers, and where I payed more money even though I found a box on the 'clearance rack'.
• Why is my oldest constantly saying the opposite of what he wants. Case in point. "S. today you have summer camp. You're going to have so much fun!" (BTW, S. LOVES summer camp). S. says,"I don't want to go to summer camp!!!" I remark, "Okay, you don't have to go to summer camp." (See, I have learned to say the opposite of what I mean in return. Pretty clever, eh?) S. then says,"I WANT TO GO TO SUMMER CAMP!!!" This drives me nuts!
• Why does our power only go out on nice days, but when it storms we almost always have power? My opinion of Commonwealth Ed*son is worse than Mayor Daley's from back in the 90's. Remember when the power was always going out downtown? Yeah, that is a dangerous situation as there are no windows to open in skyscrapers. I do not like Com. *Ed.
• Why do certain clothing items disappear, and I only realize it when it's too late to wash another one? Tell me, am I a bad mother because I sent my son to camp in a shirt and shorts that were not stained, but hadn't been washed either?
• Why do I find out that I put out my younger son's shorts for my older son only when he puts them on and we're walking to the car? Naturally, we are running late so there is no time to change. I don't know what's scarier, that I put out the wrong shorts or that my son fits into 18-24 month shorts at nearly 5 years of age. Yes, they were a bit short, but fit his waist perfectly.
• Why after almost 20 years have gone by does the song 'Paradise City' by Guns N' Roses still evoke memories of how much I hated moving to a small town at age 15. The lyrics "Take me down to a paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. Oh, won't you please take me HOME!" really said what I was feeling. I wanted to go home. Five years later I did, and I am still living in what I considered my hometown.
• And 'why' when my husband and I finally get a night without the boys and we decide to stay at a hotel, do we have a couple who fights. We could hear everything they said, including the highly repeated fuck or fucking, or the other version, fucked. Needless to say, I was not well-rested the next day. If I wanted to listen to screaming and crying, I could have done so at home for free! (BTW, we stayed at a nice hotel in a 'yuppie-posh suburb. There is no excuse for that!)

I could go on and on, but this is a good sampling. Nearly every day I am left with the question 'Why?'.