An Entry Not About the Weather!

Damn iTunes won't let me out of their website! And for the life of me I cannot remember my password, nor the answer to their 'security question.'

We're going to see the movie with Tom Cruise in it. I keep forgetting the name. It's the one that starts with a 'V'. I am a huge history buff, particularly of WW2. (My grandfather was stationed in Germany. He wasn't on the front lines, but instead was housed by a German family who could have gotten killed had they discovered my grandfather was living there. Anyway, he fell in love with the family's daughter Marianne. In fact, he stayed in Germany after the war much to the dismay of my great-grandparents. They were going to get married, but I don't know why they didn't. Years later, Marianne moved to the states, and called my grandfather. My grandmother answered the phone and said that upon hearing Marianne's voice, knew it was her. I'm thinkin' the thick German accent might have tipped her off! Never the jealous wife, she told my grandfather, and then I don't remember what happened. I have seen a picture of her when my grandfather put together all of his pictures from the war. I asked him to do that, and that that is the only thing I want when he passes. It's more special to me than any material possession.) Wow! I didn't know I go there! Hey, at least it's not about the weather.....

***I'll post some things from our Christmas later.

Broken Record

I know I am beginning to sound like a broken record, or someone who is desperately trying to find conversation starter, but yes I'm going to talk about the weather again.......I know reading about the shitty weather in Illinois isn't exciting but I figured I'd write about it anyway.
The last time I wrote, we were in the midst of a snowstorm. Christmas Day was in the single digits. Just yesterday, the streets were all a sheet of ice. So much so, that we didn't even get our newspaper delivered or our garbage picked up.
Today my friends, the high was 64 and rain, with towns that are having flooding issues, which leaves me to ask the following question: WTF is up with our weather?
I promise a more exciting entry next time!

Again

It snowed here again today. So far about 6 inches with blowing. Stupid me deciding to drive to the post office because our bills needed to get to their destination on time. I slid and slid and slid some more. My traction control was on virtually the whole time.
Yesterday was in the single-digits with no snow, so I did the last of my shopping and went to get groceries since I'm hosting Christmas. I am glad that I did! I think this confirms my worst fears, this winter is not going to be any better than last year's. In fact, it may be worse.

The Snow and Ice Storm in Pictures

The ice that stuck to our front windows.

Our backyard blanketed in snow and ice.

Our tree that is full of ice. Did I ever tell you I hate winter!

The Good and the Bad

The good news for which I thank the Lord Almighty, is that we have electricity. We are nice and toasty in our house. Believe me, I am thankful beyond words. I don't know what we would have done otherwise. The bad news is that everything that we had planned has been cancelled. Tot had a Christmas program at preschool. Cancelled for the first time ever. We were set to go to my dad's work for the best holiday luncheon I have ever seen. It's become and annual tradition of ours. Now we can't go.
Well, I best be going as both boys are in their rooms and it's only 9:30AM here. Already they have been awful. This is going to be a long day.

Calm Before The Storm

Apparently we are going to have some more shitty weather today. On Monday, we had rain that turned into a sheet of ice. Yeah, that was a fun one especially since I had a major amount of things to do. Like take gifts to the damn post office. I won't even go there. I then had to add a trip to Lowe's to buy more salt. Then on Tuesday, we had a major storm that left us with a lovely amount of snow. Since Hubby had to work late, I had to snow blow our steep driveway. Picture me getting pulled by a snow blower down the driveway. Not so fun, though better than the trip up the driveway. The snow blower died twice, and after that it would not start no matter what cuss word I used, "Fucking snow!" "Why the fuck did we ever move back here!", were my two favorite cuss phrases, and I don't use the f-word until I am good and mad. On the news I saw that even Palm Springs and Las Vegas were getting snow. What is going on? I thought we had the whole 'global warming' thing going on!



Today, we are supposed to get the worst of the worst. The one thing Midwesterners at least the ones I know, dare not talk about. An ice storm. Hubby was mad at me for using one bag of salt for just Monday and Tuesday. (On Monday our van kept sliding down the driveway, so I had to use a lot salt). Boy this one is going to freak him the fuck out. I am sure I will be hearing about it too. I told the boys to pray that the ice doesn't come, and that we are all safe in our home with electricity. Ice freaks me out. Most Midwesterners are a tough breed. We really are. But even we fear these storms. Think downed wires, no electricity and wind chills in the single digits. Did I mention my cell phone is no longer working??? I hate snow, I hate ice, basically I hate winter...with a passion. But with part of California snowing, where is there to go???

Make That 4's

Now I got a Jury Summons...Lovely!

They Always Come In Three's

I have been so busy lately it's hard to catch my breath. I'm sure that's normal for most of us this time of the year. However, I've encountered a few bumps along the way as I have tried to make this a good Christmas for my family and friends, even though holidays suck big time to me. I won't say anymore lest I cry.

• I haven't made Christmas cookies in a few years because that's what my mom and I used to do together. This year I thought, 'Hey, what a good idea making cookies would be.' It wasn't. Tot made cookies with me. Yes, I let him make cookies with me. Aren't I a good mom?! We made gingerbread men. It took forever and I had a huge mess to clean up. I hate messes in the kitchen. The boys and I tried the cookies after dinner. I literally spit mine out! I never like to do that in front of the boys, but they were awful! Too much molasses I think. I followed the recipe exactly. The boys loved them, though.

• The next day I thought I would make my Grandmother's German butter cookies recipe. It makes lots of cookies, and I thought it would be nice if I gave some to the neighbors and such. This recipe includes putting the dough through a cookie press. I bought this cookie press at William's Sonoma a few years back, and loved it. This year, not so much. I won't get into the gory details, but let's just say this cookie press ended up in our garbage can in not the same condition it was when it left its' box. Some banging and throwing took place, and that's all I'm going to say about that.

• The next day I decided to make my grandmother's meltaway cookies. I had already bought the ingredients, and the recipe is really easy. Plus, it involves chocolate. Yum!....... It also required the use of our hand mixer. The same mixer I had used the day before with the butter cookie disaster. Guys, as I was mixing the dough I smelled something. Then I saw it. Smoke. My mixer was literally starting to burn. I'm thinkin' someone or something was trying to tell me not to bake this year. Not to try to make this holiday better. It blows and in some ways I think it always will.

File Under Things I Never Thought I'd Be Doing

I had to give Tot an enema tonight. It was not pleasant.

HELP -Urelle

Has anybody ever been on Urelle? My urologist just gave me free samples of it. They insist I don't have a UTI even though the AZO OTC strips came up positive. I feel worse now than I did since they started treating me for a UTI. This sucks. I am miserable. I am quickly losing hope that I will ever feel better.

Thanks to Technology

Tot just called me down to his playroom to show me a bridge he had built for his trains. As he said,"Come on down, Mama. I want to show you my bridge.", I looked at him. As I did, I felt a sense of peace. I thought to myself that if it wasn't for IVF, he wouldn't be here. If it were 20 years ago, he wouldn't be in our lives. I cannot imagine that. Come to think of it S., conceived through Clomid/IUI, probably wouldn't be here either. I would have had no children. Having my two boys makes our family feel complete. I can't imagine life without any of my boys.

Am I Talking To Myself???

Yesterday I picked up S. from the bus stop. Some crew has been digging up cables or something. This resulted in a good deal of mud. See where this is going? I told S. to stay away from it. I also told him not to step in the snow because you never know what's underneath it. He did. And there was mud everywhere! I managed to get him to put his boots on the rug by the door, and only had to wash the rug they were on.
Oh, it's not over there. We went to church that night. What does he do you ask? He put on his boots and walked onto my beige carpet on his way to the garage. That would have been bad enough by itself, but he then decided to walk around in the family room on said beige carpet. There was so much mud! I couldn't even talk, and when I did I said to him,"What were you thinking? Of course, he wasn't. I told him that when we got home he would be cleaning the carpet. This upset him, but I firmly believe in natural consequences. You make the mess, you clean it up and maybe you'll think next time before you walk down the stairs in boots. Or better yet, you should listen to your mother and NOT go into the snow and mud. But I digress.
S. was not happy about cleaning the carpet when we got home, but he did it. He actually did a good job too!
Why is it that my kids never listen to me? That it takes them seeing what the result of their actions will be? This has been a very challenging week! Oh, and I still am not feeling well due to the bladder infection I've been sporting around for almost 7 weeks. I'm really pissed off about it, and believe that the doctor needs to give me something strong to knock this thing out. I'm miserable asshole!

The Good and the Funny

Last week we had our conference with S.'s teacher. I love her! In the beginning, she told us what a delight he was to have in class. I remember always starting a parent-teacher conference with a positive thing about the child, no matter how hard it was to find one. I know the drill, and it was funny being on the other side knowing why his teacher was saying a positive first. I actually was then waiting for the bad. It never came. How proud I am of my little boy!

S. is in what Hubby refers to as 'the United Nations', of classrooms. He really is. When I went to be the 'paint mom' a few weeks back, I saw all of the different types of children. Black, white, Arab, Hispanic; it was cool! I want S. to be in a room like that, because that is the way the world is. He also has children with learning and behavior disabilities in his room. He is meeting all of the milestones, so I'm cool with that too. His teacher told me that there is a lot of distractions with kids going in and out to be serviced one on one. S. is handling it very well. I was concerned about this in the beginning, but things are working out.

In S.'s classroom there is a Barack. Every time he says his name, I just laugh. I'm sure his parents never in a million years thought that someday their child would have his name in common with a president. Anyway, I told S. that his classmate has the same name of our new president. S. looked at me, and very seriously said, "No, it's Obama." Well, at least he knows the presidents name!

The Other Side

Tonight Hubby and I have my oldest's kindergarten conference. I wonder what his teacher say about him, and how she feels he is doing. It feels so weird being on the other side. I taught in this district, and it just feels weird not to be the one doing the conferences.

Enough Already!

A few weeks ago, I wrote about having a bladder infection. They gave me one antibiotic, followed by a culture, still bacteria. Onto another antibiotic, followed by a culture. Still have it. Yesterday. I was given my THIRD antibiotic. I'm at the point where I am just angry. I told my urologist that I am resistant to some antibiotics. Let's just say, I have had A LOT of bladder infections. I have been dealing with this for well over a month. I think it's been about 6-7 weeks. I have another 8 days to go before they can do another culture to determine if it's gone. Apparently the bacteria counts have gone down 'so they're doing something, we're getting close' the nurse says. Well, close doesn't cut. If this antibiotic doesn't work, they're going to have to do it my way. Like listen to me. My last infection took the pneumonia drug Levaquin to get rid of it. That's strong stuff. Unfortunately, I went to my family physician for that infection which was over 2 years ago. Of course they don't believe me. I like my doctor, I do. I think the not listening to their patients is a symptom of a larger problem. Many doctors do not listen to their patients or brush them off. I did it their way. If there's a next time, it'll be MY way.

The One Question I Never Want To Hear Tot Ask Again...

Why?

It's Just What Mothers Do

I don't know about anyone else, but my children and their well-being have come first, even to the detriment of my own health. I haven't been online much lately because I have been going to the damn urologist for the past two weeks. With both boys. At any rate, I felt ill for about two weeks before I even went to the doctor. Why? Who has the time with kindergarten and preschool, homework and chores, and kids' appointments, being paint mom and trying to find someone to watch Tot so now I can go to S.'s classroom to help him make a pine cone turkey. The note said that if a parent can't go to send someone else in our place because the children really need an adult to help. If I had an extra person in my life that would be open to that, why wouldn't I ask them to babysit Tot! As if I needed anymore stress. If I can't go my son will be the only one without a parent to help. Great. No pressure there! Then the next day is family reading night at the school. (Is it a bad thing to hope that we're home in time to watch some of Grey's Anatomy?) Oh, and did I mention the asthma attack that Tot has been dealing with this past week, as well as two weeks before. I have to make an emergency appointment with his pulmonologist. I wonder how I'm going to fit that one in. His doctor is at the children's hospital 40 minutes away. The doctor is only there two days a week and only for only a few hours. His last appointment of the day is about all I could manage without taking S. out of school. Oh, and did I mention that Hubby has been working 12 hour days? So I am doing this all by myself. I can't complain to him, because he's not happy with the hours he's working either.
I am now on my second antibiotic. The first one didn't work. Lovely. Just what I need. Not only do I feel like crap, but now I have to see the doctor again in a week to provide another 'sample' to be cultured. I'm beyond tired of this. I've been dealing with this now for almost a month. It's time that I feel better. I just need to figure out how to fit a little bit of time for me. Not for a massage, not for shopping, but to go to a doctor. Life as a mom has been really exciting lately!

Mish-Mash

Hubby made it home okay, and the wasp is still in my house. I have no idea where. (I HATE BUGS, PARTICULARLY ONES THAT STING!) What I do know is tomorrow I will no longer have to hear those annoying political commercials. Can I have an AMEN!
I was in the city today as well. S. had off of school today, so my friend and I took our kids to see a children's play and then off to lunch at the 'train place'. A good day was had by all! Oh, my boys LOVE the city. (We weren't in the downtown area.) They ask me as I go down a street if we are in the city yet, and then on the way home if we are out of the city yet. It's too cute. I love the city too. The safe parts of course. Much more culture and diversity. You can walk pretty much anywhere. There is lots to do there. However, the schools are much better in the 'burbs. Well, that and other things I'm sure.
Tomorrow we'll have a president!

How I Knew My Day Wasn't Going To Be a Good One

• This morning started off with me spilling my son's entire glass of milk all over the kitchen floor. I mean there was milk on the cabinets, inside the cabinets, on our tables and chairs, on the stove and inside the dishwasher. Yes, the dishwasher. I was going to empty the dishwasher after I handed S. his milk. Needless to say, that dishwasher will be mighty full tonight!
• There was the umpteenth wasp on our sliding door. I couldn't find bug spray. I called Hubby who told me to go to Target. Told him that wasn't going to help me right then. I opened up the screen, and basically willed that stupid bug out the door. While this bug remained on the door, I had to tell the kids to hurry up and eat their lunch since S. had to get on the PM kindergarten bus.
• We walked out the door at the usual time. Remember this was the bus which, only a few weeks ago, had never showed up. Well, today it showed up all right. And early too. Gee thanks bus driver! I had to run with S. to the bus. In sandals since it was so nice out. The boys have tried these sandals on so many times they are stretched out, which has made them very hard to run in.
• I had to mail the bills. We take them to the post office because I do not leave anything with money in our mailbox. We had an incident years ago. On the way, Tot starts screaming, "I don't want to go to the gym!" (His tumbling class.) This is the only day that a friend and I get to see each other. We go, I ask him one more time if he wants to play. He says no. I tell him to sit on the bench while I go in the play area. You can guess what happened next.
• I had to go to the urologist. Last Monday I had a bladder infection and was put on some meds. I still didn't feel well today. Tot got to see the doctor's bathroom again, and I made my 'sample'.
• I had lunch around 2PM. I went out to get S. off the bus at the usual time. Do you see where this is going? Yep, I heard the bus, and had to run again, in the same sandals. Hey, I didn't think I was going to miss the bus a second time! (Prior to this, I had almost always been the first one at the corner.)
• Get phone call. Hubby is going to be late. He also has to be downtown tomorrow. Think about it. Obama is having his presidential party thing there. He and only one million of his friends! Public transportation will be a nightmare, and don't even think about driving. Mayor 'asshole' Daley tells people that they should leave their jobs early. Around 3:00PM. Okay....How are that many people going to leave their jobs? How would anything get done?! Moron!
• I have worried so much I have literally made myself sick. Think back to The Taste of Chicago. Remember the gunfire and the gang activity the night of the fireworks? This is likely to be worse. When Mayor Daley tells you to get the fuck out of Dodge, you KNOW things are going to be bad! I can't stand the thought of losing my husband. I'm not being ridiculous about this. We ARE the murder capital of the entire country after all!

I think that's about all. I have to go wash my hair. I just got it highlighted and colored red. I love it! I only hope that the red stays in my hair this time. Sorry for being a downer. Oh, Hubby just got home. He's going to put the boys to bed. Things are looking up!

Finally, the Bathroom Renovation in Pictures! 80's Chic No More!

Remember when I told you I was gutting my 80's -like bathroom? I did. Now that it's been almost six months, I've decided that I should make good on my promise of showing you the 'before' and now 'after' pictures. Here goes....

This was the lovely old faucet with the missing cap. The one I refused to replace, because I wasn't going to spend one more dime on that old bathroom!

....and here is the brand new model! I chose it because I liked it, but apparently it is all the rage in Europe. Look in your Pottery Barn catalog, there is one in there. Wow, I actually have one of the new 'cutting edge' faucets. I feel special now! I'm kidding, of course. (It is way better than the old one, don't ya' think?)

Another special item in the 80's bathroom. The ceramic tile......!!!

Okay, now turn your head to the side, and you'll see my new floor in a diamond-shaped pattern. My contractor was not happy with me since there ended up being way more cuts to make, but even he had to agree with me that it looks great. (He also was able to make more money, because he charged me more in labor, but it was worth it!) You can also see the side of my tub.

Oh, and the lighting. Although this lighting was special, it too had to go, along with the mirror.

Here is the new and improved version. You can kind-of see the color we put on the walls. Let me say this: THERE WILL NEVER EVER BE ANY MORE WALLPAPER IN MY HOME AS LONG AS I LIVE HERE, WHICH THE WAY THE ECONOMY IS GOING, WILL BE A VERY LONG TIME! And you can hold me to that.

Here is the back splash in my shower/bathtub. You can see the faucet and the shower head. I love the shower head, and no it doesn't move so it is not for that reason! I wish I had taken a picture of the shelves and soap dish which are travertine. I wanted that stone for the floor, but not only is it a bit over-priced, but it would have been higher that the rest of the flooring in my house, as well as a hazard when the floor is wet. I don't think me lying on the floor naked after a shower would be a good look:) Especially if my husband wasn't home, and I had to tell my son, hopefully the older one who knows his numbers, to get a neighbor or call 911. It makes me remember that scene on Sex and the City when Miranda throws out her back, and Carrie sends her boyfriend Aidan over. She, Miranda, is mortified because Aidan had seen her naked. Yeah, I think I've watched that episode too many times. But that's how I would feel. Needless to say, I chose different tile.

Oh, here is the special vanity. Look at the beautiful handles! They don't make 'em like that anymore. (Thankfully!) Those fake wood doors are pretty special too! Too bad I didn't take a picture of the cultured marble sink that had seen better days. Much better days.

Now look at the new and improved version. I had this one custom made. I love cherry wood! If you could see behind Tot, who had to be in the picture, you would see the three deep drawers. Love it! The sink is solid surface with the sink under mounted. I originally didn't want that. I really like my Corian sink in the kitchen where the sink is part of the entire counter system. That way no dirt or gross stuff can ever get stuck between the seam. Yes, I have had to clean bathrooms all my life. It was always MY job growing up, so I am very particular about these things.

I thought you'd like to see this picture of the lovely wallpaper and reminisce about all that it was, and all that it can never be again, now that it's gone. I am happy that I never have to see it again. I am also happy that I never have to tear it down again! I wish I could say 'never again will I have to take wallpaper down', but Hubby's bathroom has the last scraps of wallpaper in it. At least I don't have to look at this pink wallpaper anymore.

Remember these lovely shelves. Yep, I did the happy dance the day the vanity was taken out and destroyed!

Some Pictures of the Demo:

The floor smashed up. That was exhilarating!


Where the toilet used to be. The tile from the bathtub is behind there.

The old bathtub as the tile is being taken down.

I believe that is all! I will say this. We renovated our kitchen five years ago, it had the same lovely cabinets but that is another story entirely, and I still walk into it and am so happy that we did it. Every time I walk into my bathroom, I think the same. I realized long ago that if I change the things I look at every day, I feel better. I feel better when I am surrounded by the things I have picked out and love. Now on to the boys' bathroom..... Shhh!!!Don't tell Hubby!

Why Do They Do This???

I had to buy a new cupcake pan. When I went to wash it, this is what I saw. Yep, one of those damn sticky labels attached to the inside of one of the molds. Those damn things are so hard to get off! This happens all the time! Why do these companies do this? This is just an example of the petty bullshit that pisses me off! Anyone else have this problem???

Do All Moms Of Boys Do This?

I have talked about my husband's long hours before. Because of this, I feel it is important to spend some time with my oldest doing 'boy things'. Let me preface this by saying I am NOT a sports person. I am not athletic, I don't care about football and the Bears and I certainly was never what you'd consider as being a 'tomboy'. I was/am more girly than anything. I go to the gym and am stronger than I used to be, but that is about all that I do that requires strength.
Anyway, back to my boy. Having said all this, I know S. is all boy, and therefore he wants to do 'boy things'. His dad can only do these things on the weekends, and sometimes S. wants to do these things during the week. What's a mom to do? Let me tell you what I do. I have played catch with the baseball. I have also done this with a football. I have explained to him how to do these two things correctly. Yeah, me. That's a laugh, isn't it? I have showed him how to hit a ball on the tee my dad bought. Me, the 'the anti-sport'. But what can a mother with boys do? I believe you suck it up, and just do it. I actually think the people on my block are surprised to see us. Surprised to see a 'girl' out there teaching her son sports-related things. And THAT I love.

I Think This Means I Need To Go Back To Work

The boys watch t.v. while I shower and get ready for the day; as if I'm ever ready! Anyway, I can hear the shows since I keep my bathroom door open. Today, I heard the regular intro. to 'Clifford', and was singing along with it. REALLY SINGING. And this is not the only children's show that I know the words verbatim. I have thought for a while now that I would really like to go back to work. Now I think I NEED to. Anyone else know the words to their child's favorite t.v. shows???

Bad Mama

I am used to only having one child in school, therefore it has always been easy to remember what important things were going on and when. It was easy to be the 'good mom', because I only had to keep trap of one child's school life. Well, now that I have Tot in preschool along with S. in kindergarten, things have not been going as smoothly.

There is so much more going on with S. now. Homework, informational packets, meetings, etc...and it is so easy to lose sight of what's going on with Tot's preschool. For example, I forgot that last Thursday was 'show and tell day'. Just plain forgot. That night I woke up with a pit in my stomach. I felt horrible! If you think I am not organized and that is why I forgot, nope. I have a whole corner in our utility room dedicated to schedules, calendars, book logs, homework, school hand-outs, teacher hand-outs, and the like. Color coded and in my own type of filing system. See my proof below. So how in the hell did I forget?

I also feel bad about not being able to go to what's called 'Crayon Connection' at Tot's school. It is the last Thursday of the month. At that informal meeting, we learn all about what the kids have been learning, their progress and we get to see some things that they have been working on as a class. The kids are so excited to show their parents these! We also receive the monthly calendar and pay that month's tuition. S. went to this preschool for the last two years, and guess what? I was always there at those meetings for him. ALWAYS. Not for Tot. I can't go because I have to get S. on the bus at that time. Still makes me feel so guilty. I feel like a bad mother, because I can't always be there for my boys, mainly Tot.

Tired!

I am so tired, I can feel it in my bones. I often wonder how older mothers, as in women in their 40's and fifties, who have small children do it! If I am this tired at the end of the day, and I am in my-gats!-mid-thirties, I just can't imagine doing it when I am older. Another reason Hubby got the ol' snip-snip. Now I am off to do laundry... S. has a special gym shirt that he has to wear on gym days, and tomorrow is a gym day. It is nearly 10PM. Did I mention that I'm tired???

Labeled

The other day Tot and I were at the mall. Every time we go to the mall, he wants an 'Auntie Anne's pretzel'. So Tot and I walked down there to get him a pretzel. A month ago, our mall opened an 'Armani Exchange'. It is across from the pretzel store. I asked the woman at the pretzel store if she had been in there yet, and that it probably was very expensive. She said no, and that people who go there probably were only looking and buying there because of the name. She also said that she sees people all the time with those Coach purses, and most of them are ugly. That if they didn't say Coach on them, that people wouldn't buy them. I had to agree. I have two Coach purses, and I believe they are ugly and overpriced. In fact, the last one I bought had a zipper like the ones on coats, so I always had to use two hands to close it. I hated that! I then showed her my Kate Spade plain, black purse, and she liked that. Of course, I turned around the purse so the label didn't show. Luckily, I remembered it had a label on it before I showed it to her. Then suddenly I remembered I was wearing a Ralph Lauren shirt that I am sure she saw. How hypocritical, eh?

Here is the Coach purse.

***By the way, I finally got my period last week. I couldn't believe that my cycle had been 57 days ! As long as everything is okay, I wouldn't mind another long cycle. Pure bliss.

Invisible Mom and Wife

Have you ever felt invisible? I do right now. As I've mentioned before, S.'s kindergarten schedule makes it almost impossible to do anything. Even when I am at a class or MOPS, I have to leave early. I am the MOPS coordinator and I have to leave an hour early so that I can get home in enough time to feed S. and get him on the bus. My days are no longer my own.

I have always looked forward to the weekends, mainly because Hubby is home. Him being home means I can actually go out myself. I can get my hair done, and not worry if I'm going to make it to an appointment on time. My friends amd I can have a girls' night out. Saturdays are great! This Saturday Hubby had to go into the office, and then he brought his laptop home to do even more work. See the boys look forward to Saturdays almost as much as I do. It's their 'Daddy Time', which is important for them all. Since Hubby couldn't be with them, I tried to make it up to them, but I know I'm not their father. I am trying to be both mommy and daddy, and to tell you the truth, I am afraid I'm not doing either one well enough.

I feel like the more Hubby has to work, the more things I take over. For example, Hubby used to take the boys with him to get their hair cuts. After S.'s hair was looking pretty scruffy, he got mad and told Hubby he needed a haircut. It was funny because I was thinking the same thing! Well, I finally took both kids to the barber. It needed to be done, and I know Hubby would appreciate having one less thing on his plate. Sometimes, though, I just feel like the nanny. I just attend to other peoples' needs.

Yesterday the kids were being all bossy and telling me what to do for them. Their attitudes were so bad, that I put them in their rooms. Believe me, it was the best thing for us all. I am a ball of stress lately, so treating me like hired help was not going over well with me.

Another thing that bothers me is since I never really get to go anywhere, I don't have a reason to spend more time to make myself look good. This bothers me because even when I had a baby, most of the time I managed to put a little powder and/or lipstick on. That's just me. I love make up. It's my 'thing.' I still do put some make up on, but I don't worry too much if my clothes, makeup etc doesn't look good. I only go to Tot's preschool drop-off and S.'s bus stop. The barber now too. (Maybe I should see if the barber can cut my hair too. One less thing to worry about!) I feel frumpy and old. I see lines on my face that weren't there just five years ago. The stress has shown up on my face. Yeah, I even pull my face upward to see what it used to look like with no wrinkles! Oh, and a little Botox. I swore, swore I would never touche the stuff. I probably still won't, but there are those days....

Sorry to be such a complainer. This day was better than yesterday, but I am still feeling angry and burned out. Stressed to the max!

Not the Way I Wanted To Start My Week

Hubby has been working a lot. A LOT! As a result, I have been feeling kind of lonely around here. It doesn't help that my oldest has afternoon kindergarten, which makes it almost impossible to get together with friends to do something together. While he was in preschool, we still had our two full days a week where we could see a play or some other fun activity with friends. Not anymore. I spend most of my days by myself waiting to bring S. to the bus, Tot to preschool and/or pick S. up from the bus. Sunday nights are rough for me, because I know what the week will bring me.

This morning I was trying to be all positive. It almost worked too, until it was time to take S. to the bus stop with Tot in tow. We got there at the time we are supposed to: 11:30. We waited...and we waited...and then we waited some more. When the time school actually started came, I started to get really pissed off! I was trying to maintain my cool because I didn't want S. to worry. Two cars went by, rolled down their windows, and told me that they had been waiting for the school bus and now were just driving their kids to school. I decided to do that too. I don't think I have walked that fast in a long time. I was so angry! I drove S. over to his school, parked and brought him inside. The woman said to me that our bus had called them, and said that it was running really late. I replied, We waited 25 minutes." I tried to keep my cool again, because it wasn't this woman's fault. As S. walked to class, I told him his teacher wouldn't be made at him, and to relax, these things happen. I should have taken my own advice!

Monday afternoon happens to be Tot's day for tumbling. Yeah, wouldn't you know? We were a half hour late. No one could believe that the bus never came to pick us up. I mean, how long did they expect us to wait??? And what the hell was causing them to be so late anyway??? All I know is this day has not been the greatest.

Disapppointment

The Cubs always break our hearts. There's always next year, I guess!

Go Cubs Go!

Go Cubs Go-oo! Go Cubs Go-oo. Hey Chicago, what do you say? The Cubs are going to win today!

Okay, they are going to win the rest of the games. (As of this evening, they lost the first game.) I mean, look. My little men think they are #1. The Cubs will always have a special place in my heart, as well as the hearts of many of my relatives. We love you, Cubs, no matter what!

Pink

Our Susan G. Komen 'Race for the Cure' was this past Saturday. I made the boys shirts this year. Being that it is dealing with Breast Cancer, I made the lettering pink and added sparkling pink pain to it. You know, to kind of dress it up a bit:) The shirts are short-sleeved, so I worried that the boys may be cold. Let's just say I shouldn't have wasted any brain cells worrying about that! It was over 80 degrees and beautiful. I even wore shorts! Here's a picture of my darlings. Their shirts say 'Walking in memory of Grandma'.
It did make my heart sad when S. said to my father,"We are walking for someone who's far away. She's up there (fingers pointing upward) in heaven with God." And that I know is true.

Does Everyone Have a Twin???

When I was in high school, my boyfriend, the lovely one I wrote about, told me that he had an embarrassing situation to tell me about. He told me that he saw me, or what he thought was me, in the hallway. Thinking it was me, he went to grab her hand and said, "Hi Hun." He said he was shocked and embarrassed when she turned to him and gave him the what the fuck are you DOING look. Of course I did not believe him. I mean come on. No one can look that much like another person. It's just not possible.
Later two friends of mine came up to me to tell me the same story. Well, close to the same story. They didn't try to hold her hand. They kept saying to me,"She really does look like you." The next year when the high school yearbook was out, I heard from more people how this same girl looked, yep, just like ME, and these people didn't even know the others.
Two years ago while I was running the track at the gym, a man came up to me and started talking. I had my headphones on, so I could only see his surprised expression when he realized I wasn't the woman he thought I was. I took the headphones off, and he was so stunned that he told me the woman's name, Brigette..., and exactly where she worked. He said it was like looking in the mirror. It shocked him. O--kay.
And then I finally had it happen to me. Tot started the new session of tumbling. We have new people who have joined. We all start out in a large, red circle. Since it was the first class, we all introduced ourselves. As we went around the circle, I saw her. Now I was the person with the shocked look on her face. Guys, she looks just like me, expect with blue eyes. It's freaky! It really is like looking in the mirror. Maybe everyone really does have a twin.

Technology...

As of 10 or so minutes ago, I am back online!!! Our modem broke on the weekend, and today was the first day they could get it to me. I am so addicted to the Internet and to these blogs! Anyway, I'm back.
Oh, and I am on cycle day 55 or so. There is no one who can watch my kids this week, so I'm not calling my GYN. Isn't that sad? I can't even go to the doctor.

What Now?

I am on cycle day 48 and no period. Others have told me I need to call my doctor, because this isn't normal. I have to admit, though, while it's starting to really concern me, I am happy not having a period. Truly happy. That is if something major isn't wrong with me. Has anyone experienced something like this ever? If so, please tell me what caused it. People are starting to worry me that it could be something really major.

And We Wanted Him To Be Potty-Trained Why?.....

A friend of mine and I took our three boys to the zoo. It was a gorgeous day, so we stayed longer than usual. Tot even told me twice when he had to go potty. (Pee, not poops of course!) I figured since he had gone so much that we would be fine for the 35 minute ride home. Oh, silly, silly me! We only just pulled onto the highway from the zoo exit, when my little bundle of love exclaimed,"Mommy, I've got to go potty." Of course, S. repeated what Tot said to me because apparently he thinks I am deaf all. the. time! So I do what any mom in that situation does. I ask him,"Can you hold it?" Luckily, he said yes, but I knew he couldn't do it for long.

When I got to the corner where we turn, I saw a Burger King. I figured he couldn't make it until we got to the nicer town, so I reluctantly turned into the parking lot. Let me say this. ***I hate public restrooms, particularly those of fast food restaurants. They are seldom clean, and I just get a feeling of 'ick' whenever I'm in one. I ran with Tot in hand, and S. following behind, into the bathroom. I felt a sense of dread when I realized that there were only two stalls and one was out of order, and the other 'occupied'. I kept talking loudly about Tot holding it hoping that would make the person in that stall hurry up. When she left, in we went. We made it! And on the way out, I wiped Tot, S.'s and my hands with the wipees that were in my purse. Unfortunately, I watched Oprah one day when their 'germ expert' was on, and I cannot for the life of me get the info. of a sink is the dirtiest place in the bathroom out of my head. That we are most likely to get sick from it, rather than the toilet. That the toilet is cleaner than the sink! Well, I also can't get the info. that one must use a kitchen brush-thing to clean the kitchen sink, because germs will continue to stick there if we don't. Hubby suggested I not watch anymore shows about germs. I'm tryin'! I'm also trying to stay out of fast food restaurant bathrooms. Hopefully, Tot will let me!

***The exception is the McDonald's restaurant in Albion, Michigan. That Mickie D.'s had the cleanest bathrooms of all restaurants, not just fast food restaurant, that I have ever been in. I should've written them that. Ah..I always have good intentions.

WTF!

I have been taking an oral acne medication that has made me pretty much have my period all the damn time. Seriously. My cycles have been 17-18 days long, with bleeding (TMI) lasting around 7 days. Yeah. You can imagine then why, when my cycle went up to 25 days, I was so damn happy! Like jumping up and down happy. Well, I guess this is another example of 'be careful what you wish for' crap.
I am on day 37, dangerously close to day 40, at which I think I will call my gynecologist and ask him WTF to do. I have never been in this position before. Well, except when I was on injectables and developed a 33mm cyst, which apparently is very common when taking injectable drugs like Follistim, which I was on. But, and I repeat, I am not on ANY fertility drugs this time. So, do I ask for Provera? Will he want to me to have an U/S to check for cysts? Crap! I don't want to have an U/S. Those were only fun when I had a baby inside of me. I also haven't had a pap since my oldest was 6 weeks old. I am tellin' the truth on that one. My OB didn't give me one in the first trimester with Tot due to the twins' situation, and they forgot to give me one at Tot's 6-week check-up, and I did think of telling them, but I was real tired of having that part of my anatomy touched! So I am also nervous that they'll want me to come in for that, and I have no sitter and my husband works ridiculous hours, and did I mention that he is now on a jury for a case that will take at least 2-3 weeks?! I don't think they'll excuse him to watch our kids due to his wife having to go to the gynecologist! Okay, that's all besides the point.

You want to hear what my husband said to me when I told him how late I am? "Did you take a test?" I responded with,"Did you forget you had a vasectomy?" And with that, I will go and change Tot's poopy diaper that he made during nap time, because this child will not go poop on the potty no matter how many things that I try to bribe him with! Stubborn little shit, ain't he? No pun intended.

Inappropriate, Maybe, But Definitely Funny!

Friday the 22nd was my mom's birthday. I always try to visit her grave on this day. The boys are lucky; they get to go with! At any rate, I told S. that we needed to go to the cemetery. He replied,"What do we need to get there?" It may be time to talk with him about the whole death thing, don't ya' think! But I did answer what a cemetery was and why we go there. When we got to my mom's grave, we sang Happy Birthday softly to her, and then said a prayer. After that I told my mom what the boys were doing. You know kindergarten and preschool etc... Then we went to leave. Now remember my son loves numbers. He kept telling me the years that were on the grave stones. Then it was like a mild competition between the two of us to see which one could find the earliest date. He won. He found the year 1870. It's funny because S. is SO afraid of weeds. He absolutely refuses to walk on them, or touch them in any way! However, he walks over name plates and fresh graves like it's nothing. Hubby and I agree that when he understands what he is standing on, he'll freak out. But for now, he is happy doing that. He's none the wiser.

Now onto Tot's funny story. Monday, the whole family went grocery shopping. Do we know how to celebrate a holiday or what! Well, I needed to buy some tampons, so off we went to that aisle. As we started walking Tot said,"Why are we in the diaper aisle?" Hubby and I just laughed. But then Tot says pointing to a box of Tampax,"I want those." I just told him that he will never be in need of any of these items and walked away. Kids sure say the darn-est things, and made the end of our holiday weekend more bearable.

Hold Me!

This year is the year that S. starts kindergarten. On Tuesday night, his school had an orientation to familiarize the kids, as well as the parents, with the routines, expectations, where the rooms are, as well as meeting the teacher. I didn't realize that S. starting kindergarten would be hard for me in more than one way. Walking down the hallway and seeing all of the recently decorated classrooms, and listening to his teacher made me miss my job so much! I am used to being on the other side. I'm used to being the teacher who talks with the parents at open house. Did I also mention that S.'s school is in the same district as the one I used to teach in, and that I have been to that building, and have even met his teacher? That I could tell him exactly where everything is? Man, was that weird!


On Sunday, I had my official 'meltdown'. I can't believe my miracle baby, the baby we tried so long and hard to have, was now old enough to go to 'regular' school. He had been nervous all week, and had so much energy that I think that was how God made his leaving easier for me!


Hubby was able to work from home, so he could be there with me to walk S. to the bus stop, as well as pick him up. S. didn't know Daddy was staying home, so this was a big surprise to him! Another surprise for us is that the weather sucked! It rained, and rained and rained! Of course, after we got him on the bus, it stopped. All I can say is, it's a good thing he's a boy, because we didn't have to worry about fixing his hair.

S. has been so excited about going on the school bus all summer long. He looked a bit nervous as he boarded the bus, but he found a seat quickly and off he went! Turning around to go home was bittersweet. I was so excited for him, but at the same time I was a little sad. My baby was 'officially' a kindergartener, and he is moving farther and farther away from me.


It has been a hard adjustment for me. This kindergarten thing. My days are completely different. S. has afternoon kindergarten which means that I have to get him to the bus by 11:30. It is almost impossible to plan something for the morning. Then he is only at school two and a half hours, making only a few short trips possible. No more plays, trips to the zoo, trips to a playground, lunches out with friends or play old hanging out and doing crafts.To be honest, though, I don't deal well with change. Never have, and probably never will. Sunday nights have been hard for me lately. At least Hubby is there to talk to.

About four weeks prior to school starting, I called his principal to let her know about S.'s math abilities, so she could let his teacher know. His principal was nice and all, and even suggested maybe sending him to first grade for math. She also switched him to a teacher she felt would be better able to service/challenge him well, however she never told S.'s teacher about him. I felt like an ass when I brought S. up to her, and introduced him like she should have already known who he was, as well as his special needs. When she looked at me quizzingly, I asked her if the principal told her about S. You could tell she was peeved at her principal. I mean orientation/open house is not the time to find out that you have a student with special needs, that are not learning disabled but rather has a higher ability level. Our school district is full-inclusion, which basically means a student has to have a disability that is severe in order to be put in a self-contained classroom. (I could tell you stories!) I feel badly for S.'s teacher since she has both ends of the spectrum in her classroom. I've been there, and I can tell you how hard it is to meet every one's needs. It's almost impossible.

As I told the principal, we are going to give this school a try and see what happens. She acknowledged that S. could get bored or not want to come to school. I agree. I will be an advocate for my son. I know this district inside and out, and I know how they pull the wool over parents' eyes. Most times parents don't know that their child has a classroom with children with major learning disabilities and behavior disabilities. I'm not talking about children in wheelchairs with merely physical disabilities. I actually feel that benefits kids, and makes them more compassionate. I'm talking about having children with autism, not minor autism, children with major emotional/behavior disorders that bring box cutters to school in the THIRD grade. Students delivered by the police several times a week. Students who disrupt the entire class when their parent forgot/didn't want to give them their medicine. Students' parents that threaten you in front of other children; that actually happened to me! The police would stand out in the hallway then. I could tell you some awful stories, because I was the teacher who would get these students, because I was so good with them! Thanks!

The main thing that would bother me is these students have to be pulled from the classroom many times, and we were told that we could not teach anything else when they were gone, because they couldn't miss any of that instruction. I always tried to schedule my special needs pull-out in the mornings when I had 'Daily Oral Language' because I would simply type up what I put on the board, and when they came back they could follow with us as we went over that skill. I always felt badly for the parents, because I couldn't tell them the extent of the problem. Well, now you see why I am reluctant to send S. to this district. Now before you think we live in a bad school district, it actually has high test scores. Teachers bust their asses for this to happen. (We also have a gifted program that is in a self-contained classroom, which certainly helps.) I won't go on about my disdain over these 'tests'. I will only say that I don't like them.


Well, enough about the bad stuff. The good things are that S. likes going to school. He likes riding the bus, and feeling like a big boy. He tells his brother all about kindergarten. It's too cute! He seems to like his teacher, and loves their snack of chocolate milk and graham crackers. I hear all about that!


I'll leave you with a picture of my big boy getting on the bus. Tugs at my heartstrings every time he climbs onto that bus. I have to remember he's a big boy now, and I have to let him go whether I want to or not, and I'd rather not.

Nature vs. Nuture?

Last Sunday, S. attended Children's Church, as he usually does, while we were in listening to the service in the sanctuary. After the service was over, we went to collect him. Apparently, they were told to draw a picture. I don't know what the directions for this picture were, but I am thinking his picture was not exactly what they were looking for!

See, I love 'Shark Week' on the Discovery Channel. I always have. Now that my children are old enough to watch it, we watch it together. I did not realize what S. would take from that week. I do now. His picture showed a shark with a smiley face going up to eat a seal that had a sad face on it. Apparently, my son was actually listening to the program! I guess he learned how 'nature' works, and wanted to share it with others. I wish he was like his brother who only wants to wear, watch and talk about sharks.

Reformed Snob

Our MOPS groups gets a 'little' something for each mom when they have a birthday. I volunteered to do the shopping and, since our budget is lower this year, offered to pay for them. Enter the Dollar Store.

I don't want to seem like a snob, but I haven't gone into a dollar store in decades. I figured things would be made poorly and the like. However, I wanted to buy twenty items and cheap! Well, I found nirvana there.

Not only did I get twenty presents for twenty dollars, but I found other items as well. I was so surprised to find that there were some name brand things in there! Of course, there were items I have not seen since my childhood, but all in all it was a positive experience.

I can't say this will be a store that I will frequent, but now that I know what it sells, I will now go back when I need one of those items. I will no longer be a snob about where I buy things. Okay, I will try not to be a snob about it!

Politically Incorrect

S. and Tot have this thing where they squeeze each others noses and say 'Honk, Honk.' Yesterday, S. said to Tot,"Let's do our honkies." It took every fiber of my being not to laugh. I don't know what to say to him to get him to stop saying that. After all, he'll be starting school next week, and I don't think saying 'honkies' in class is the best way to start the year! Plus, can you imagine what his teacher would think about his home life? Hey, at least we ARE white! Any ideas on how to approach this???

Thankfully, He Wasn't 'The One'

I think every woman has had that special, intense, I can't live without you boyfriend that ends up not being the person you thought he was. It may take weeks, months or hell, even years for some of us, but we eventually find out the truth. And, in most cases, it ain't pretty.


I met my 'special guy' during my freshman year of high school. In the beginning of the year, I found him annoying, but by the end I was 'in love'. Jason was a popular football player, who hated my old boyfriend, another football player. We bonded over our hate for him, and later discovered that we liked each other quite a bit. That was the beginning of a three year, on again off again relationship that did not end well at all. AT ALL.


Jason spoiled me. His family had more money than mine. I had to use my babysitting money if I wanted to buy a hot lunch at school. Jason took care of that. He gave me lunch money. He would also give me my favorite candies and flowers in my locker. He treated me as if I was the most important person in his life, and in some ways I believe I was. He was also possessive, and as a teenage girl I thought that proved he loved me. When this one guy, Rick, would hit on me in Math class, Jason would literally go into the classroom to ask him what his problem was. He did this more than once. When Rick stood at my locker one day, and apparently put his hands close to my butt, Jason saw. A few hours later he beat Rick up pretty badly. No one does that to HIS girlfriend. He got suspended for that one. At my brother's graduation party that spring I had a wine cooler, my mom knew, and he freaked about the alcohol on my breath. I didn't find out for two years that his mother was a rabid alcoholic.


The end of the school year came too soon. My family and I were moving an hour away to be closer to my dad's new job. I couldn't imagine leaving Jason! My parents, though, could not stand him. I think they were happy to, what they thought would be, see the last of him. A few weeks before we moved, some things happened, and my mom told me I had to stop seeing him. You see where this is going, right? That made me want to see him more.


I hated this new town; I'll call it small town. It was so small, and there seriously was nothing to do. All these people did was have sex and drink. There was nothing else to do. I hated this place, because I wanted more. I saw Jason secretly during the summer whenever we would go back to, what I termed, civilization. I even drove with my friend and her boyfriend back to civilization while my parents were on vacation and my brother was watching me. No one in my family knows this even to this day.


We continued to talk, and I found out he had sex with this girl because, as he coined it, she reminded him of me. Yeah. And I still loved him. Stupid, stupid me. Finally, we decided to take a break. Even though I loved him, it was making me depressed whenever we talked. During the next year, I still loved him, but I started dating other people as did he apparently. We talked a bit during our junior year, and both said the song 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn' by Poison, best described how we felt. Whenever we talked, we would continue to say we loved each other, and after high school we were going to see each other no matter what my parents said. I couldn't wait!


The end of that summer, the guy I had gone out with for nearly a year, broke up with me. He was going back to Southern Illinois University and, get this, decided that not seeing each often enough made it hard to sustain a relationship. We did remain friends. He was a nice guy.


After that happened, I wrote to Jason, and we started back up again. This time with my mother's knowledge. My family had to go back to civilization twice, and we got together. No, my parents didn't know. Despite my mom being okay with us talking, seeing each other was a different thing all together. When I rang the doorbell at his house, he picked me up and twirled me around as he always did. It had been over a year since we had actually seen each other, but it felt like it had been no time at all. When I had to leave, he cried. As I wiped a tear that was falling down his face, I thought there would never be anyone I could love this much. I looked forward to the summer after our senior year when we would start our lives together.

Well, things happen as they always do. Those things made me realize Jason wasn't all that I thought he was. The last time I called, his mom gave him the phone and he hung it up. Yep. I could not believe he did that! My feelings alternated between being sad and angry.


I dated again, and eventually fell in love with someone else. I made new friends through this relationship, and had a lot of fun. But the feelings for Jason, both anger and love, didn't go away.


Then the thing I never thought would happen did. My family was moving back to civilization. This time I didn't want to go. I was in small town's junior college with all of my friends and current boyfriend, and I finally was happy. How ironic was that? I had wanted to go back for four years, and now I didn't want to leave small town. Well, move we did, and this time my then boyfriend and I stayed together since, unlike Jason and I when I moved, we were both old enough that we had cars and all.


That winter I started attending civilization's junior college. My first day I ran into his sister, AND she is FIVE years older than me. I never would have expected to see HER. She apparently went home and told Jason that I was back. He didn't believe her, and called my old number in small town. Of course, it was disconnected.

After that, I told myself I needed to find out if he was going to civilization's junior college too. Of course, that wasn't why I was calling him, but I lied to myself about that one. I called him up, and we talked and I found out he had just started that semester. Lucky me! We agreed that he would meet me at my philosophy classroom the next week, and he did. He wanted to find out whatever happened to me after he hung up the phone on me that fateful day. Asshole! I was only a phone call away if he had truly wanted to talk to me. Unfortunately, I was still under his spell and decided I wanted to see him too. After all that he had done to me. I can see now how stupid I was being, and I knew I should tell him I never wanted to see him again after all that had happened, but the truth was I did want to see him.


The next week came, and I walked into the classroom where Jason was waiting for me. He immediately picked me up and twirled me around as he always had. He acted as though nothing had happened two short years ago. I was both pissed off and flattered that apparently he was 'still in love with me.' For a long time, he would meet me at my classroom every Tuesday and Thursday. Then he turned back into the asshole Jason I had known so well over the course of the last two years. He told me I wore too much make up, and he didn't like my blond hair. I was going to eventually dye my hair back to brown because I wasn't liking it so much anymore, but I dyed it brown soon after he said that. From everything that he said I finally determined that he wanted the old me back. The one that was 15 and wore very little make up. The naive', fun girl. I think he would have been happy with even my 17-year old self, but the 20-year old me? The independent me? Nope. Soon after that he told me it was my turn to come to his classroom to see him. The classroom was right down the hall from mine, so it wasn't like a huge deal for him to come to mine. Of course, one time I did. He wasn't there, and I never did that again. He was still in my dreams, and I knew it was stupid to even be thinking about him, particularly after the terrible things that he had done to me. Why was it so hard for me to de-tangle myself from this creep? History? I don't know.



I didn't see him again until that summer when was my and my gorgeous (that's another story) boyfriend's waiter. Uh-huh. Can you say uncomfortable. After that, I didn't see him until Hubster and I went to a long time friend's wedding. We walked into the church, and there he was. And I started shaking. I knew that after the church I would be spending the evening with him at the reception. Just knowing he would be there made me nauseous. Bring on the anxiety! Be there he was. Now I never dance by myself. With friends or Hubby, yes, but by myself no. When I heard the song ***'I Will Survive' by Gloria Gaynor, I got my ass on the dance floor. And I sang that song to him. And I looked right at him. Later that night, there was a slow song, and we all got onto the dance floor. Jason danced right next to me with his girlfriend. Seeing as how Hubby and I had just got engaged, I put my hand on Hubby so Jason could see my beautiful ring, and know that I was getting married to someone other than him. That felt good!


That was the last time I saw him until this weekend, which was odd, because I have had to drive by his parent's house every day for two years when I drove S. to preschool. Anyway, Hubby was driving and the two kids were in their car seats. I immediately spotted him as we drove by. I stopped talking, and Hubster knew something was up. The good thing is that Jason has a shaved head, and it looks awful. Hubby says that men do that when they're balding. Ha!


The past crept in my head, but this time it wasn't for long. Hubby reminded me of who I am now, and how much we have together. How wonderful a life we have. I knew I could never have had that with Jason. So, I guess when it's all said and done, things worked out in my life much better than they could have if Jason and I had stayed together. I love my family;I am truly blessed with good friends as well. I know I will never forget that time of my life. How could I? I guess the good thing that came out of it is that I found out how strong I am. You know, after someone has broken up with you, when people tell you how you are better off without him? Or it's loss? I believe it is. I really do. Finally.

***'I will Survive', by Gloria Gaynor

At first I was afraid,

I was petrified,

kept thinking I could never live without you by my side,

but then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong,

and I grew strong,

and I learned how to get along!

As so you're back, from outer space,

I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face,

I should've changed that stupid lock

I should've made you leave your key,

if I had known for just one second,

you'd be back to bother me.

Oh now go,

walk out the door,

just turn around now,

cause you're not welcome anymore,

weren't you the one who tried to break me with good-bye,

you'd think I'd crumble,

you'd think I'd lay down and die!

Oh no not I,

I will survive,

Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive,

I've got all my life to live,

I've got all my love to give

I'll survive, I will survive!

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart,

just trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart,

and I spent oh so many nights just feelin' sorry for myself,

I used to cry,

but now I hold my head up high,

and you see me,

somebody new,

I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you,

and so you felt like dropping in,

and just expect me to be free,

but now I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me.

Oh, now go,

walk out the door,

just turn around now,

cause you're not welcome anymore,

weren't you the one who tried to break me with good-bye,

you'd think I'd crumble,

you'd think I'd lay down and die!

Oh no not I,

I will survive,

Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'm still alive,

I've got all my life to live,

I've got all my love to give

I'll survive, I will survive!...........

Falling Down; Not Just For Kids

This week, I fell. I fell hard. Down the stairs. What was I doing? Running upstairs to get Tot's shoes so we wouldn't be late for Summer Camp. It seems that I always am running late! This week, I made sure I was up and ready to go earlier than I needed to be!

Anyway, I slipped on the stairs. I admit that I was running. Down I went with a thump. It was one of those moments where I thought I could catch my footing, but soon realized it was beyond my control. I slid on my left side all the way down the stairs. Not only did I feel stupid, but I sustained injuries. They still hurt almost a week later. I took some pictures. They are blurry, but you can the idea.

This is the black and black-and-blue carpet-burn that I sustained on the way down. This is also the bruise that caused people to ask what in the world happened to me. Imagine parent-tot swim. It's bad enough to have to wear a bathing suit without this little number! And for all of you who have looked at those waterproof sport band-aids. They don't work. Even when you put two on, they don't keep the water out. Let me tell you what chlorine inside my wound felt like!

My elbow which sustained the same injury. Not a good picture, but I tried.

My pinky toe was not to be spared. Half of it fell off. I didn't realize this until I went to drive. I had to go, because I didn't want S. to be late. So I went with an elbow bleeding, and half a nail. Ah...what mothers do for their children.

I will say my boys were awesome. They immediately ran to the bottom of the stairs to see how I was doing. Now S., being a numbers man and all, told me that I started to fall from the second step. Good to know, S. That kid surprises me everyday! Anyway, they both hugged me, and we went on our way. Oh, when I was on the bottom of the stairs, I said to them,"What did we learn here?" Their faces were blank. I told them, "This is why we never run in the house!" Hey, the experts say that actions speak louder than words, so we should show our kids. And that I did.

Of Computer and Maybe Blogger

First off, I have not been able to read most of the blogs from blogger for, of, about two weeks. Either it's my computer or blogger itself that is the main culprit, but either way I can't pull them up. When I try to a lovely Do you wish to continue, or something, comes up on the blog I am reading, and I always hit the 'yes' button, but it doesn't budge. I then have to log off the entirely, and then the computer shuts down entirely. It is really pissing me off! So if I haven't e-mailed you lately, please don't take it personally.

Hearing the Bells

On Friday, I picked S. up from Summer Camp. As we were walking out, a church was playing its bells to signify the hour of 12:00 had begun. I said to S. that Grandma Debbie, my mom, always loved hearing church bells. S. then turns to me and asks, "Can Grandma Debbie still hear the bells?" I said to him with tears in my eyes,"I think she can S.; I think she can."

Back To Life, Back To Reality

Last week, Hubby and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary by taking a much needed vacation sans kids. This is the first time we left them this long. It was only 5 days, but we've only left them for a weekend at my brother's. Believe me, I would have left them and gone on a vacation long ago if my mom was still alive. Or if my ILs were normal people.

Hubby and I stayed here. We were going to go to Hawaii for our anniversary since Hubby has all of those points from flying all over the world, but my brother couldn't take them all week. And if you're going to Hawaii, if you have less than a week, what's the point. So a 2 hour drive to the resort was all we could manage.

We had so much fun! Couples' massages, swimming in the 'adults only' pool, Dining at nice, but casual, restaurants. Oh, how wonderful it felt to not have to decide what we're having for dinner! Reading book in peace and quiet! Being able to have a conversation with each other, without being interrupted so often that we forgot what we were saying in the first place. Anyone know what I mean on that one? Oh, how relaxing it was. Then Friday came. We had to leave. I did not want to leave. I did not miss my children. I only missed my dog since I sleep with her every night. Isn't that awful? Am I a bad mother?

Well, came back we did, and the noise started immediately. We definitely are back to reality!

Of Course It Happened In Front of The Kids!

Yesterday I took the boys with me to 7-11 to get a 'Big Gulp.' I really love Coca-Cola! Anyway, I brought it into the family room to drink. The kids are not allowed to have any food or drink in this family room. What happened, you ask? I accidentally kicked the coke off of the coffee table. At first, I was more upset by the fact that my beloved cola had spilled and only a fraction of it was left. Hey, Mama needs her caffeine buzz! Then I discovered that all of that cola was all over the carpet. The beige carpet. Yep. The only thing I could think of to tell the boys was,"See that's why we don't drink in the family room." Duh!

Is This Normal For a Massage???

I was able to have a massage the other day, pure nirvana!, and something surprised me. The masseuse moved my underwear to the sides, and massaged my butt. The entire cheek area. It didn't feel sexual at all, it just felt weird. Yes, I have had a massage at that spa before and I never got a 'butt massage'. My question here is has anyone else been given a 'butt massage'. Is this normal???

Will He EVER Poop!

For the last 6 weeks or so we have been potty training. Actually, the Tot wanted to put underwear on like his big brother. Luckily, I saved S.'s Thomas 2T/3/T underwear. He was so ready to wear his 'Thomas' underwear!
Well, pee training has gone VERY well. There are times he has accidents. Like last week at the park. He didn't want to stop playing, so he just wet himself, and promptly told me,"I wet myself." Lovely! Prior to that, though, he has gone over 2 weeks without an accident.

The bad news is he has never gone poop in the potty. When his brother was having trouble potty training, I simply took off his underwear and that was that. I did that with Tot. He pooped on the floor. For a long time, he would poop in his underwear. Now, he has been saving it up for when he's wearing a diaper at nap time and bedtime. I'm glad that he hasn't pooped in his underwear lately, but damn, will he EVER poop in the potty? He starts preschool in the fall, and I wonder if he will be able to go. They have to be fully potty trained there to go. I'm starting to get worried. I have not made a big deal about poop in his diaper anymore, since he would just laugh and think it was funny. I just don't know what else to do. Any suggestions?

Breaking One of the Rules of Infertility

Across the street from my house, a couple went through a lot to get pregnant. They have one child; all repeated attempts at IUIs and multiple IVFs to have another child failed. They were wonderful to us when we were experiencing our difficulties, often at the same time.
When their insurance would pay no more, they decided it was time to let having another biological child go. I gave them all of my adoption information from when we thought we might adopt. We had even chosen an agency. They were very excited about adopting a child. All of the necessary paperwork was completed, and then it was time to wait...and wait and wait.
I do not know what happened since this was all during my pregnancy with Tot, and I felt I shouldn't ask. See, when Tot was 2 months old, they started to put a beautiful addition onto their house.
The next year, they told us that the addition was their 'baby'. I felt if they wanted us to know more, they would tell us, so I didn't ask again. We have talked many times since then, and I know that the pain of infertility is still with them. They tried so hard, and yet they never were able to parent that second child.
Yesterday, Hubby and I were talking with the husband. Tot was being a royal pain in the neck, so I said the one thing no one should say to someone that has gone unsuccessfully through infertility. I said,"Do you want a boy?"
A few hours after I said it, I realized what I had done. I feel like an asshole. I should know better. I want to call and apologize, but that would simply be adding salt to the wound. I feel like a total asshole!

"Is This Worth it?

I have been plagued by acne since I went off the pill 7 years ago to try to get pregnant. This past year I decided that I had enough! I found a dermotolgist through my step-mom, and went to her. We tried the old stand-by: antibiotics and Retin-A. That did not work. Plus, with all of the antibiotic resistence that has been going on, I did not think taking antibiotics was a good solution. So we tried Tazorac. It did not work. Then the doctor asked me if I had thought about Accutane. Yes, Accutane. Being that I am clinically depressed, and one of the side effects is depression, I really did not think it was a good idea. The only thing left was taking Spironolactone, a drug that is used for hypertension. It is used as an off-label drug for acne. It works by suppressing the male hormones which are responsible for most of the acne seen in woman. There are side effects, of course, but minimal when compared with accutane. I had to have a chem. screen done first because of some effect it has on your kidneys, and I was good to go. I scheduled an appt. for 3 months later, and went on my way. The result: it didn't work. I was so frustrated! At my next appt., she could see that it hadn't worked. I had two options. Try to up the dose, or try Accutane. We talked about my fears of Accutane, and I told her I would talk with my psychiatrist about it. She then decided to perscribe me the highest dose of spirononlactone to try. Her point about Accutane was that after one or two cycles of it, the acne would be completely gone, so there would be no more drugs to take. With the other drug, I would have to keep taking it pretty much forever.

I took the prescription for the other drug, and talked to my pychiatrist about the Accutane. Yeah. He pretty much was 'oh hell no. We agreed why add something like Accutane when I was doing so well with my depression. I would rather have zits than depression!

The problem is this drug has side effects. Menstrual irregularities being #1. Let me say that it has not been fun having two periods a month, and they keep getting closer together. Husband isn't happy about this either. Planning a vacation just for the two of us not knowing if we can even have sex, you know-spontaneous no kids around sex, basically blows. I was a like clockwork girl. I like to have control of this, to know when it's coming. I also have not enjoyed the lightheadedness, nor the out of breath feeling that happens when I walk up a flight of stairs. Working out has been interesting, I'll tell you that! But, but....my skin is beautiful. Really, really beautiful! It has not looked like this since I was a teenager, and didn't have much acne to contend with. I wear a lot less make-up, and feel more self-confident. It is wonderful not having to worry about my make-up smudging off. Sometimes I even feel like I have good skin. My only question is do the benefits outweigh the side effects?

One of Those Mothers?

Today I did it. I took my oldest to summer camp, and put the 'baby' to sleep. I also fell asleep, and didn't wake up until it was one minute before the time I had to pick S. up. Wouldn't you know that when I got Tot up, he had a poopy diaper! When I finally managed to pick S. up, he was standing there alone. I felt horrible! I profusely apologized to the teachers, who luckily have known me for a while. The kicker to this story is when I walked in I still had the imprint of my pillow on my cheek. Yeah, I didn't even try to explain why I was late. It was written all over my face.

Night of the Twisters

Hubster and I, along with the kids, went to a water park resort this weekend. We had a good time, well, as good of a time as you can have when you bring your kids along! By Saturday evening we were all feeling the effects of the weekend 'fun.' While we watching the news, we saw our family members' town on the screen. They had a tornado touch down by them. All that kept being shown, over and over, was the tornado's destruction. The tornado had struck down on one of the major highways and as a result, cars and a large semi were knocked down. That part of the highway is still closed. Roofs were blown off houses, and the poor farmers were hit hard. One horse farm had the roof of its stable blown off. When the owners came back from the area they went to when the tornado hit, they found that even though the roof had blown off, all seven horses were still there and they were fine. They looked as though nothing had just happened. It was amazing! The main problems after the tornado hit, is all of the downed electrical wires as well as possible looting. Aren't people wonderful?

Being so far away was hard. Not knowing if my family was okay was difficult. All I could think of was that I didn't have their phone number with me. When we got home this afternoon, I called them to see if they were okay. I prayed they would answer, because if they didn't, the news would not have been good. The good news is that they answered their phone and were not hit directly. The bad news is they had minor damage to their property, but no power. It isn't expected to return for another 2-3 days. The electric company's trucks are all over, and doing what they can.

My parents were in a horrible tornado in 67', and never did get over the effects. Whenever there was a bad storm and taking cover was advised, my mom would tell us to quickly get in the basement. We always went too slowly for her liking. I think that we never thought we would be touched by a tornado, so we didn't see the point of rushing. My mom did. When she passed away, I took her copy of the newspaper depicting that tornado. She always kept it in her drawer. I never understood that, but I do now.