I Kicked My Own Ass

After feeling more than just down yesterday, I decided I had to DO something, ANYTHING, that might make me feel better. We went to church this morning, and I brought along all of Tot's clothes that he has outgrown. A friend of mine that had a girl first, has a little boy that was just as large as Tot. I gave her all of Tot's BabyGap and Hannah Anderssen clothes. I wanted to give them to someone who I knew would appreciate them. I handed them to her today. Sigh....it was hard packing some of those things up, but it was time.

After church, I decided that a trip to the gym was in order. I credit my regular attendance at the gym, combined with some kick-ass anti-depressants and therapy, for helping me climb out of the depression-like hole that I was in. I didn't feel like going at all, but I knew I would feel much better after I had gone. Bring on the endorphins! Everyone and their brother was there; new year resolutions and all. Simply finding an elyptical machine to use was not an easy task!

After the gym, I felt much better. And my brother and his family are going to come over to have dinner with us tonight, and then watch the Bears game. My nieces and I will be doing something else, I assure you.

I have also been trying to focus on a project, preferably a creative one, to start. We'll see how that goes. I like to be busy, and I need to be busy this time of the year especially. Hopefully, I'll begin to feel as good as I had been for months. Like 7-8 months. Let the games begin!

Post-Holiday Blahs

For as long as I can remember, after all the excitement and the preparation for Christmas comes the letdown. All the frantic searches for the perfect gift, decorating the house and then wrapping, wrapping and more wrapping, have come to an end. It seems like the world is at a standstill. Many people take off for the holidays, school is on break as well as all of the other extra-curricular activities that I enjoy so much. I am, and have always been, a lover of routine. I love having things on my calendar to do, where there are people that I am going to see. I am a people person. I need to be around people. Now I am also reserved, and tend to take some time to warm up to new situations, but deep down I need to be around people. This time of the year lends itself to that for some, but for me, it doesn't.

I have a very small family. My mom and I would go out together during this time of the year. She worked four days a week, two which were on the weekend, so we looked forward to getting together. We both would talk about how we couldn't wait for all the Christmas stuff to go away, and for the world to resume a little normalcy. We couldn't wait for the warm weather to come back again. Well, now that she is gone, I feel very alone at this time of the year. And I have time, so much time, to think.

For most of the year, I keep myself pretty busy. This past year has been the best one for me. Recently, I met a woman who is not only infertile like me as well as a teacher now staying at home, but also lost her mom young. Believe me when I say it is such a blessing that I met her. I have also met a lot of other great people. It's been wonderful! But during these two weeks of the holidays, everyone is either with family or their husbands have taken off of work. Hubby had to work part of each week; regular hours to boot. And the Tot takes a long afternoon nap, which is great, but leaves S. and me for a lot of hours with nothing all that interesting to do. At this time of the year, it is so cold and dreary here, and the afternoons are long. I know I have always dealt with that whole seasonal affective disorder thing. I need sun! Anyway, I have been thinking so much about my mom lately, which has really made me feel lonely. I wonder what the point to everything is. I mean I do the same old, same old things. What is the purpose to my life? What am I doing that is important? I even said to Hubby that I am a boring old housewife! No one wants to look at me, I'm in my 30's now. What interesting thing do I have to add to a conversation??? Diaper rash, how to get stains out of clothes, or a particularly riveting discussion of sibling rivalry? I bet your chomping at the bit to talk to me now! I actually had a dream in which I was teaching school again. I felt so alive, and like I had a purpose. It felt so real. Then I had to remind myself that I quit that job 4 years ago. For good reasons too.

I just need a reason to get out of bed again. Something to get my juices flowing. When everything starts up again, I know I will feel better. It's just I remember last year and how awful the winter was. Winter is hard. The upshot is that we don't have scorpions and black widow spiders and such because they can't survive the cold. (I'm NOT a bug person!) The downside is, I barely can either. I made it through the holidays this year, AND enjoyed myself. I really thought everything afterwards would be good too. Now I have another week with a son that has tons of energy, with tons of people at my gym who are going to attempt to exercise as their New Year's resolution, and a lot of time and not much to do with it. Pray that I'll get through it. Depression is a bitch.

A Very Merry Christmas!

This year was the first year that I did not experience the usual anxiety that has come with the holidays since my mom has been gone. This was the first year that I actually felt joy around the holidays. Imagine that. I also did not pressure myself to do things that I felt that I should do because it was a tradition. If I had time and wanted to do it, I did. If I didn't, I let it go. Turns out that reducing the things that need to be done around the holidays also reduces stress.

This is also the first year that S. understood the whole Santa thing. I do admit that I even 'used' the jolly old elf to my advantage whenever misbehavior looked like it was about to occur. Of course, S. being a stubborn little individual, told me to tell Santa that he didn't want him to come. Upon further discussion, S. changed his mind. S. left out cookies and milk for Santa, they were good!, and we even tracked Santa's progress via the internet. S. was impressed with that I tell you! Here are a few of the goodies my little boys received:

The boys received a gasoline pump to fill up their car, but Tot prefers sitting on it to the actual use that it was intended for.

S. LOVES his Leap Frog Word Whammer! Imagine my surprise when he told me D-O-G spells dog. I was excited until I realized that when he learns to spell, we can no longer spell out the words we don't want him to know!

The Tot loved his brother's Anywhere Chair from PotteryBarnKids so much that Santa got him his own. As predicted, he has not gone near either chair since.

S. has so much energy, and I just cannot go through another winter like last year. Anyone remember the 'poop mural' or the Listerine disaster? Anyone??? At any rate, S. received this bouncing castle thing to dispense that energy in. So far he really likes it, just not as much as this:
Ah....the train table from Grandpa and Grandma D. This thing is 'the bomb' according to my boys, particularly the older one. I must admit, it IS pretty cool.

I also got each of the boys two books. They always get one or two for Christmas which I inscribe with permanent marker. Once a teacher, always a teacher! The boys really do like books, too.

S. and I have been playing with his Tinkertoys, Lincoln Logs, and LightBright. I admit I was the one who wanted the Lightbright. Hey, I have to have something to do when the kids go to sleep!

I hope everyone had a good holiday. And teachermom, when the teacherfamily comes to visit, I think they'll have enough toys to play with!

Merry Christmas

I want to wish each of you a Merry Christmas, and hope that someone in your family likes the gifts you got for them:) Oh, how I hope S. and Tot will think Santa made them the best damn gifts ever! I hope they know how much time and energy 'Santa' put into buying, making, gifts that would make them happy. I also hope they have learned that Christmas isn't just about presents. And I hope that my mom is looking down on us and is happy with the way we've turned out. God bless.

I Shouldn't Have Asked

S. was not himself AT ALL this morning. I even got up and took his temperature. Hubby was taking S. to preschool this morning, and I could sleep in. Only I didn't because Hubby woke me up to ask me where the thermometer was. I sprung out of bed to see what was the matter...sorry, cheesy I know...and took S.'s temp. He didn't have one at all. Actually, his temp. was a bit on the low side. I stayed up for an hour trying to figure out what was wrong with him, and whether or not I should send him to school. I decided since he had no cough, no runny nose, no vomit, and no temperature that he was going. *** Also, I stayed up late last night wrapping gift's for his teacher's as well as the grab-bag gift, so damn-it, he was going! Yah, I stayed up late because I thought I was going to be able to sleep in. Silly, silly me.

I was still worried about the little guy while he was gone. He had perked up before he left, but still, I wondered if we had made the right decision. Plus, we were taking the kids to the museum for the annual Christmas Around the World event after we picked him up from school, and I didn't know whether or not we should try to do it. I shouldn't have been concerned.

Hubby drove, and as teacher#1 helped S. into the car, I asked her how he was at school today. I, of course, was thinking about his health. She sighed, never a good sign, and told me he was all right. They had to have a conversation with him about not hitting or pushing as well as listening. (The listening part I wasn't totally surprised about.) She then said they would continue to work on it. I told her that we would work on it at home too. I was not prepared to hear about my son being physical with another child. I have always worried about him being bullied or him being a doormat. Secretly, I was a little pleased. S. is on the smaller side, and I am kind-of glad that he stands up for himself. Obviously I don't want him hitting other kids, though. So we had the 'We don't hit, we use words. I want to hear good things from your teacher next time-got it' discussion, and went to the museum. Which goes to show that when you are dealing with children, you never really know how your day is going to turn out. Tomorrow is his school program. My dad, stepmother, and hubby all took the day off. Oh, how I pray he actually sings and doesn't play with the outlets this time. Only time will tell. Pray for me.
***S.'s teachers seemed surprised when we handed them their gifts. Moms with preschoolers, did you buy your kid's teachers a gift??? I don't want to look like one of those over-the-top parents. (When I taught 4th grade, I always got gifts.) Oh, with the gift I included a card whereupon I wrote how much I appreciated what they are doing for my son and how much he enjoys school. Tell me, honestly, do I look like a suck up???

As the Card Says....

The in-laws are staying home for Christmas

May you all have as joyous a Christmas as we are!***

***Actually my in-laws are in Florida at their soon to be permanent residence. See formerteacher doing the happy dance!!! Hubby and I are excited since we won't have to even think about running into them around town. Yes, we live a mere 20 minutes from them. As Deborah from Everyone Loves Raymond would call a holiday without in-laws ,"It'll be a MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

Hubby recently told me that a few years back during the annual holiday argument, his father said to him after telling him what I did that upset them, "Hubby's name, we don't want it to get to the point where you have to choose between her or us." The emphasis being that if he didn't get me to see the wrongness of my ways, then hubby would have to get rid of me. Nice, eh? I will be honest here when I say that even if I cannot stand my DILs, I will never expect my boys to leave their wives because of me. I want them to be happy, and being divorced and alone is not what I wish for them. Particularly if they love and are happy with their wives. It's not normal for a parent to wish unhappiness on their child simply to make the parent happy.

The ironic thing here is that hubby did end up making a choice, and it didn't end up in their favor. I guess they should have been careful what they wished for, as that's what they got in the end.

A Letter To My Daughter

To My Daughter(Ava Grace):

All of my life I dreamed of meeting you, of what I would say to you, advice I would give or just the cutest little girl clothes I would dress you in. When I was in the eighth grade, my Language Arts teacher, Mrs. Burnett, had us start writing a journal. I wrote about what life was like for a girl my age so that I would be able to better understand you when you reached the dreaded teens. I wanted to be able to remember that 14 was not an easy age, and I wanted to treat you the way I myself wanted to be treated. I also wanted you to think I was 'cool' ; I no longer have that as a goal. I not only kept that journal, but I have continued to write.

The older I got, the more I thought about you. I was not ready to have a child of my own at that time, but when the time was right, I pictured how cool it would be to have a daughter. I saw mothers with their little girls all dressed up in pretty dresses with bows in their hair, and I knew that was how we would be. There would be a little 'me'. I would never be alone in this world. The funny thing was I never thought you would be my first born. Never. I had an older brother, and I LOVED having an older brother, so I wanted that for you too. I wanted to have a boy first and you second. One of each, a rich man's family as my mom told me. A rich man's family because you needn't try any more for another gender as you already had both. She had heard this as a child.

For years your name was going to be Katherine Grace or Kathryn Grace. I thought Katherine was such a strong name, and I would call you Kate for short. Grace because that was my grandmother's name, and she was the type of woman most women strive to be. It changed when your father and I tried for years to have a child. After I miscarried our first child, I wanted to give you my grandmother's name. I wanted to somehow infuse her strong qualities into you. She was a special woman, and you were so wanted. In my heart, I felt that you were special too, and you needed a name like hers to identify you. Maybe then, you could come into our home. Well, your brother was born and so we used our choice for a boys' name. Before your grandmother died, I had changed your name to Grace Deborah. I told my mother about my desire to have her name in my daughter's name, and she smiled. Nearly two years passed before I was pregnant again. One day I read an online diary, and one woman's daughter's name was Ava. It hit me right then! Ava! Ava Grace! Of course! Ava Gardner was gorgeous, and somehow I just felt it was 'right'. Your father said AGAIN to me,'We made a decision already.'

We found out we were having another son, and that we lost his twin. Maybe that was you. I don't know. I never thought that I wasn't going to have a daughter. It didn't enter my mind. All of my dreams for you. All of my dreams for us. The clothes you would wear, the things we would talk about. When I lost my own mother, I wanted you even more so I could have that mother-daughter bond again.

But as so many other dreams we have in life go, sometimes you have to say good-bye. Good-byes are sad, and I AM sad that we will never meet, but don't worry about me. I feel God has a plan for us all, and there is a reason that He gave me boys. I have come to terms with the fact that I am a mom of boys, and not a mom of both. I just cannot try to have another child. I have to be an adult here. In my heart, I would love to have given another try to see if I would indeed get to finally meet you. But I know that as much as getting pregnant is hard for me, the post-partum period is even harder. Right now I feel great, and it is easy to make a life-changing decision when you feel good, but I cannot take a gamble with my and the boys' lives. Adoption is not an easy process like the celebrities make it out to be either. Financially it would be too much as well. Although we will not openly seek to adopt, if somehow years down the road, an opportunity comes up and we truly feel that God is telling us something, maybe we would be open to it. I can't say never.

It' s time now to pack away the dresses and the dreams that I had for you. Please know that I love you, and would have loved to have had the pleasure of raising you. I am sure you would have made me as proud as your brothers make me. Good-bye Ava. Mommy loves you babygirl.

Apparently, I Am a Slow Learner

While I was trying to Christmas shop this morning, I was getting a little pissed off by the lack of common courtesy. You know, people walking slow, people cutting in front of me while walking thus almost causing me to run right into their backs, people talking loudly on their cell phones... It was almost too much. Then I thought to myself,'Why is this all bothering me so much? What did I expect, it is the holiday rush and all.' Then I remembered, it is day 28 of my cycle meaning good ol' AF is due to make her appearance any time now. My conclusion is that PMS and Christmas shopping don't mix. Course, I don't know what does go with PMS, but it certainly isn't Christmas shopping!

Silly Rabbit, Wires AREN'T For Bunnies!!!

For the second time this holiday season, the oh-so-lovely rabbits that live in our bushes have chewed through our holiday lights. Of course, we didn't figure this out until it was dark outside, and even then, it's raining so we can't fix them. After several summers whereupon these rabbits have killed my flowers despite every way known to man that I tried to use to discourage it, we are damn tired of trying to outfox these rabbits. They are really ticking us off! Where are the damn coyotes when you need them???

Back From a Cold-Like Hell

Thursday morning I woke up, and immediately knew that I had somehow scored the cold that Tot had come down with the day before. Oh, and Thursday was packed with things I had to do, of course! Dropped S. off at preschool, took Tot to the pediatrician, got gas because of the impending snowstorm, picked S. up again and drove to hubby's work to get my flu shot because MY doctor ran out of the vaccine. It took almost an hour to drive to hubby's work. Lots of fun I tell you, especially while sporting a new cold!!!

Friday I felt like I was at death's door, and Tot was all full of snot and having a hard time breathing. Add to that the snowstorm we were having, and let's just say I was sure my babysitter wasn't going to be able to come. Oh, I didn't tell you I found a babysitter. I did, and oh, she is wonderful. I'll expand on that another time. Well, I want to personally thank Mayor Daley, because she was coming from the city, and she made it to my house an hour early. She thought it would take her longer to get to my house, so she left early. Anyway, when she got here, I went back to bed for TWO HOURS!!! I'm giving her a raise now; she deserves it.

I hate being sick. I really do. I don't understand why I've been sick twice already especially when you figure in that I average maybe one illness a year. Prior to having S., I went three years without a cold. I wash my hands so much that I have lotion by every sink my hands get so dry. I take basic hygiene steps to protect myself. I just don't get it. Before I had Tot, if S. got sick, I rarely got what he had. I chalked it up to being sick often during my first two years of teaching. But now it seems when Tot gets sick I get sick. And I hate it; I really hate it! Oh, and now I have so much laundry to do that I don't know where to begin. Oh, I have to wash S.'s clothes, because tomorrow is green day at preschool. Does he even own something green??? Okay, now that I have a babysitter, I think I need to find someone who will wash my clothes, and wash the dogs, put up the Christmas tree, do the Christmas shopping that I am now behind on and send the Christmas cards. And I have to make something for Wednesday's Bible study Christmas celebration, which I would totally ditch if it wouldn't make me feel so guilty. I'm sure there's more, so I better stop stalling and just start doing it.

Who's the Boss In Your House?

The other night as we were putting up pictures on our wall at 9Pm, hubby and I talked about who was the boss in our family. Hubby said that I am. I asked him if he really felt that way. He said, "Look, we're putting pictures on the wall at 9 at night." Good point. I don't really feel like the boss, though. I always make sure hubby is happy about, or in agreement with, what we're doing. So I have to ask. Who is the boss in your house???

Blessings With a Little Curse Thrown In

I cannot believe that for the first time since my mother's death, I had a nice Thanksgiving. We went to my brother's, and it was small and intimate. No one was upset, no one was fighting. There was no fighting back tears during grace, and for once, the feeling of someone missing was not there. Not to say that I didn't think of my mom at all, because of course I did. It was just this Thanksgiving there was a happy feel, instead of the usual sad 'I can't wait until this is over' feel. My dad's new wife's son joined us, and I must say that I really like him. He fits in very well. He's also a dog lover, which is a plus to me! Actually, he rescued a Katrina dog, which I think was a great thing to do. Add all of that to my brother's improved health, and we were overflowing with blessings this year.

Afeter dinner, my nieces. stepmother and I worked on some crafts and generally had a good time talking. It was so nice. No drama, just relaxing and calm fun. Poor hubby had to meet with his sister the next day for coffee and to 'talk' about their relationship. I don't know how many times you can talk about the same thing and get anywhere new as this was the fourth such discussion, but he went. Turns out my husband's family has set up accounts for the boys to use for college, weddings, a house whatever, which by itself would seem like a nice thing. The not so nice part of it is they have hubby's sister as the one in control of it. She decides when, or for what, and how it will be distributed to them. Hubby is in finance; that's his job. I understand not wanting me to be on the account because they blame me for everything, but their own son who they know would make sure the boys were taken care of and the money used properly, now that I don't get. Besides the fact that hubby's sister is terrible with money. She didn't even have a savings account until she was married, and credit card debt...yikes! So it's not about what's best for the boys. It never has been. They have held their money over our heads since we announced our engagement. They try use their money to control us, not to help. Anyway, my ILs basically used my SIL as a gopher. She kept bringing up things about their parents. Like, that my ILs are now willing to see a psychologist/mediator with us. That was on the table a year ago, and was not accepted by them because they aren't the ones with the problem. Then my SIL says that the ILs don't understand why they can't have a relationship with the boys. Hubby was firm in saying if they don't have a relationship with us, they can't have one with the boys. That would only confuse them. As it is, they haven't seen hubby's sister since last February because each time she has come into town, she didn't want to deal with what her parents would say when she comes back from seeing us. It's so sad. So basically she sends the boys gifts, but never calls to talk to them or comes to visit even when she's only 20 minutes away. And her husband hasn't seen them since Tot's christening because he is not happy with us. Whatever. They had only been married a year, and lived in another state, when this all went down so he has no idea what hubby's family is really like. Besides I could go into details about his first marriage that made me downright leery of him, but I decided to get to know him first before I made up my mind. He chose not to do the same. I guess they are now trying to have a baby which would take some of the pressure off of our kids as well as us. Anyway, hubby told his sister that things will not change in regards to his parents, so for them to try to have a friendship-type relationship. No talk of the family problems. She feels she's in the middle, and hubby feels that no matter what she says nothing is changing, so it's best for them both to let it go. We'll see how that goes. When will this ever end???

At any rate, I did have my mom's family over last night, and everything went SO well. This has been the best Thanksgiving weekend in many, many years, and for that I'm thankful.

The Perfectionist in Me

My brother is doing well, although a bit sore from the angiogram. We are still set to celebrate Thanksgiving with them. I want to thank all of you for your prayers for my brother. It meant a lot to me to know that so many people were praying for him. It must have worked too! Our family has an extensive history of heart disease, and knowing that his heart is healthy is such a relief!

Tomorrow is S.'s first preschool Thanksgiving program. I stupidly volunteered to bake 2 dozen cookies for the day before Thanksgiving. Not one of my smarter moments, I tell you! A month ago, when I signed up, it sounded like fun. However, at 3:00 this afternoon as I was creaming butter and generally making a mess because I am going to make homemade cookies damn it!, I determined that it was not fun at all. I also had to make the cookies orange. No, the teacher did not tell me to do that. It was another one of my this will be fun thoughts. Oh, and making pumpkins out of the dough by using the cookie press? How cute! Did I mention that I am having a holiday party for my mom's side of the family on Saturday? So now I have to add clean the floor to my already large list of things to have done before then. Why am I always such a perfectionist about these sorts of things? Why didn't I do what a friend of mine told me to do and just buy the pre-made dough? Because I have to make sure my little boy has the mom with the homemade cookies??? Lesson learned!

Another thing that's bugging me is that I sent out invitations to the party I am having on Saturday, three weeks ago and many people have not responded. This is the 6th year in a row that I've had this party, so it's not like the guests can claim ignorance here. I have the main courses catered, so the problem I'm facing is how much to order. I thought to myself 'Should I call those who haven't responded yet?', and then I thought that you know, I shouldn't have to. I went ahead and ordered the amount I usually do, and if many people don't show up, then I guess we'll be eating leftovers next week. You know, I promised my mom that I would keep the family together. I promised I would keep on having this party and attending family events. My mom and I started this party together when her cancer came back the first time. Family was very important to her. I have always enjoyed getting together with my mom's family, but lately I feel as if I am the one putting in most or all of the effort. If I don't call, no one calls me. It bugs me. BTW, this is my maternal grandmother's side of the family. My maternal grandfather's side mostly live on the west coast. What do you guys think? Should I back off, or should I call? Am I over-reacting? I tell you, ever since my mom died this time of the year is just not very fun.

It Ain't Ever Easy, Is It?

After all that my brother went through, the angiogram came back as fine. Great. Excellent. Strong heart. Yada, yada. He was released this morning.

So what is the pain caused by anyway? Beats me, and it also apparently beats the doctors. He has been turned back over to his primary care doctor who guessed that it might be acid reflux. He's now taking Nexium. Man, do the drug companies love my family or what! He will have a follow up with Dr. D. on Friday. If the Nexium doesn't work, they'll look into an ulcer, which would totally make sense given the stress he's been under. Dr. D's full name is something that always makes me laugh when I hear it. It makes me think of my childhood allergist. His name used to cause my brother and I to laugh so hard we'd almost pee in our pants. His name? Dr.Pissit. I swear I am telling you the truth! My bro. and I would call him 'Dr. Piss-on-it'. Boy were we creative and funny, I tell ya'! Anyway, at least that memory gave me a laugh when I so desperately needed one. As my mom used to say,"Nothing is ever easy or simple in our family." No, mom, it definitely isn't!

What Hospitals and Pottery Barn Have In Common

Neither one can get it right! My brother sat, layed whatever, in his hospital room to receive word that he was on his way to the other hospital. The doctor accepted him as his patient, his MIL has pull there, and said they were just waiting on a room to open up. Five hours later, and having had no food because he was going to have the procedure done at that hospital, and he was still at the original hospital. And then if that were wasn't enough excitement already going on for him, he started having chest pains again. Luckily, the cardioloist that my mom really liked was at the hospital. He came in and told my SIL and brother his opinion. He felt my brother should have the procedure now. It didn't look like any beds were opening up anytime soon at the other hospital, and in light of the worsening chest pains, he felt they should go and in and try to figure out where the blockages are. Ten minutes later, and he was on his way down. As I am typing this, he is having the procedure done. How nervwracking to wait all day to be moved to a hospital to get this damn test over with, and then only to end up having it at the original hospital and it could have been done already! I'll update when I know more.

And damn PotteryB*rn. I ordered the Anywhere Chair for Tot to match his brother's, which he loves. Well, it came today and is perfect. However, I ordered an outfit for him, which I had personalized. I know, gag! And while I paid for the it, his name was not on there. Great! Customer Service was nice, but now I have to wait another week, and with the holiday and all, who knows when it'll show up! UGH! How hard is it to personalize and item a customer paid to have personalized. It's just one more thing, albeit a small one, that I have to deal with right now. That and my husband who seems awol. I've called several times to update him about my brother, and all I get is his voicemail. Gotta go. The Tot has now mastered tantrums. Whereas his brother just drops to the floor, Tot likes to bang his head into the object closest to wherever he is! I think he found out that concrete is not a good thing to bang on with one's head. Oh, hell! Who am I kidding? I'm sure he'll do that again soon. Life with boys=never a dull moment!!!

Update On My Brother

The tests that came back have what the doctors believe to be a blockage, so my brother will be transferred to another hospital tomorrow morning. This hospital specializes in this type of care, and so he will be having an angio-gram there tomorrow. The kicker is he will have to be transferred by ambulance over to the new hospital. Yah, my brother has never had any type of health problems before, so this all is very difficult for him. He is very anxious. Luckily, three of my mom's friends still work on that floor, and they came and answered all of his questions which greatly helped to put him at ease.

Until 6:00PM it looked as though he was going home. In fact, we were on our way to church for our usual Christian Fellowship Night where we take a parenting class and the kids also have a class to go to. Well, The Tot goes to the nursery:) My dad called me on my cell, and told me the news and that my brother could really use me to come and see him. So hubby changed course, and headed to the hospital. The hospital where I gave birth to my two boys, the hospital where my mom died and spent ten years of her life caring for other patients. Anyway, my brother kept thanking me for coming, which made me feel good.

I did have a bit of a problem when I walked into the hospital. I hadn't been there since the Tot was born. That was a happy event, but my visits prior to that were not. When I punched in the number for the floor, it felt strange. And then when the doors opened up, and I looked for which way to turn, it hit me. Not only did my mom work on this floor, but she died on this floor. And this was the first time I had been back there. See the floor is divided into the Telemetry(heart)floor and the oncology unit. Just a few feet from where I exited the elevator stood the room where my mom had her chemo. in. A few feet from there, the main desks, and then the hospice room where my mom took her last breaths. My brother noticed that she had stopped breathing as the hospital was having their fire drill. Guess what happened tonight? Yep, as I was leaving there was a fire drill, and we were told we couldn't leave.

You know, I am the type of person who just sucks everything up. I admit that I am good in a crisis because I am able to stay calm and see the big picture. However, that is both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because I am able to make hard decisions quickly. It is a curse because I hold everything in during the event, and then I tend to have trouble afterwards because I haven't dealt with any of my feelings. So I'm going to share this only with you internet community. I am scared. I only have my brother and my dad. Yes, I have my awesome husband and children, but from my childhood family, my brother and dad are it.

One of THOSE Calls

I received a call this afternoon on my machine. It was from my brother who said to me to call back right away. He needed me. Man, I hate these phone calls. I got one last week about my aunt, and heck I got them several times about my mom. I can just feel what the information is going to be when I get those phone calls. Anyway, my 36 year-old brother was having heart pains. Enough of them that he called the doctor. You know men and doctors, so he musn't have felt well! Anyway, he was taken to the ER, and some tests came back as not good, so they are keeping him overnight. One of the nurses in the ER was a very close friend of my moms, so she made sure he received the best care. My mom used to work at that hospital. He is going to be on the telemetry floor tonight, which coincidentally is the first area my mom worked on. My SIL agreed with my dad, that she should tell them that he is my mom's son. There are still people who used to work with my mom there. Yes, it does matter if you know someone in charge of your healthcare. It is sad, but I know for a fact that it is true. I will post when I know more. Of course, my babysitter post is being postponed. If you could, please say a prayer for my brother. We are very close, and I worry about him. There has just been way too many health problems in our family. We need a break.

It Always Happens This Way

Today I am taking the boys for holiday pictures. I love getting pictures from friends with their children in them around the holidays, so I send one of my kids every year now too. As most of you moms know, getting pictures taken of your child/ren is never easy and almost never fun. I only do it because I love having pictures of my boys. Oh, and I love to multi-task. This picture will serve as Tot's 18 month picture and S.'s 4 year old picture. If I'm lucky I won't have to have another picture taken of the children until May when the Tot will be 2.

So I'm trying a new picture place; one that allows appointments! Kiddie Kandids, inside Babies R' Us, has always taken excellent pictures of my boys, however they do not allow for appointments. Two weeks ago I had the boys all dressed up only to be told there was a two-hour wait. This has pretty much happened every time I have tried to have pictures taken in the last year. I'm sick of going back after having waited so long. I'm sure the boys haven't exactly liked it either!

But you know what happens whenever you try to have pictures taken. Yep, S. woke up with a bad cough. Of course, I'm not as worried about that since that won't show up in a picture. What I am most concerned about is the black eye Tot is sporting. S. thought it would be fun to knock his brother down in the living room. There is carpet there, but that did not help; it was actually worse. Poor Tot got a carpet burn to the right eye, which in addition the blackness that formed around it, is also a lovely scab. I have tried concealing it with my best concealer, but you can still see a bit of it. I was so angry with S.! He sort-of seems sorry, I guess. Ugh!

The other thing that happened today is that it is going to be in the upper 60's. That's great isn't it? So why am I concerned? Because they both are wearing sweaters with shirts underneath as well as corderoy pants. They are going to roast! Tot is always hot, so I feel the worst for him. This place also tells you to bring a change of clothes. Well, I had matching Gap sweatshirts with jeans for them with a shirt underneath. Yah, normally this would have been fine, but this is Chicago so what did I expect? I told the photographer when I made the appointment that I am not so sure that I'll even be able to get them to change outfits and then have ANOTHER picture taken, so it make be a moot point anyway. I'll have to let you all know how it goes. Please pray for me!

***Next post I'll tell you about my babysitting situation.

Aren't They Supposed To Be Dead Already???

Not only did S. let in a fly when he opened the door for the dogs, but now there is a wasp clinging to my back door. It is NOVEMBER for pete's sake; I thought these creatures are supposed to be dead already! Have I also mentioned how much I hate flying bugs. I think it's my lack of control over where it goes that bothers me. I like my bugs to stay in one place. Like, if you land on my door, you should stay on my door. No surprises here. I don't want to have to go looking for you. I don't want to freak out in front of my kids because you chose to fly right in my face. I hate that. Speaking of which, I just looked up and that damn wasp is nowhere to be found. UGHHHHH..................!!!!!

How Long Will This Last?

S. still has not adjusted to the time change. He is still getting up between 5:30-6:00AM! I am NOT a morning person AT ALL! Prior to the time-change, he would get up between 7:00-7:30. Not great, but do-able. Whenever I try to tell him it is too early to get up, he tells me the sun is out. Meaning, it must not be too early, the sun is out! Ughhhhh.....!!! S. has never had this problem before. I don't get it. He was always my late sleeper. Now that title has been given over to his brother. How long will this last??? I am SO tired!!!

Also, how long will these political commercials last? We've had our current governor running them for months already. The slogan, 'What's she thinking?' keeps replaying in my mind. I know this is what they want, but it just ticks me off, and I end up disliking the candidate even more. I am ready for these smear-campaigning commercials to be over with! I am sick of hearing how awful the other candidate is. These commercials never tell us the important things we need to know, like a candidate's position on important issues. Instead, they just tell us what the opposing candidate's position is, which may or may not be the truth. It's maddening! And I don't know about your state, but there is so much corruption here. The FBI is investigating our current governor for corruption, and what they found appears to make the allegations true. However, the candidate running against him used to work under the former governor who is now going to jail under the whole 'License for Bribes' case. There appears to be corruption everywhere. I could go into the whole Stroger power play for County Board President, but I will spare you. Let's just say, we aren't known as the 'Windy City for nothing'! I also am having a hard time believing that any politician gives a damn about people like you and me. It seems they only care about what you can possibly do for them. And if that's nothing, then you are a non-issue to them. It's really sad.

Onto S. again. He will not take a nap or be quiet during 'quiet time'. Can anyone give me any ideas about how to change that as I am at the end of my line. 5:30Am to 7:30PM is a long damn day with no break. Plus, the little monkey is SO crabby in the evening since he obviously is very tired. It's enough to make me want to have a glass of wine to mellow out so I don't snap at him, and say something I don't mean.

How long will this all last???........................................................

Our little cutie: Tater Tot!

Followed by S., who has been our early-riser, thus crabby boy! The picture says it all.

May the Force Be With You!

Poor little Tot had to do these nebulizer treatments every four hours for over a week. He got so used to them, in fact, that he would just sit with the facemask on while I did other things. We went to the doctor yesterday, and Tot is healthy, knock on wood!. So healthy that he was able to receive his flu shot, which is now highly recommended due to his asthmatic condition. Tell me mothers of older children, does this stuff ever end????

Please Say a Prayer, Or Think Positive Thoughts

Today I talked with a potential babysitter. She is the college-aged daughter of a man from our church who also plays basketball with hubby. She seemed very nice. She even said to me that she will work around MY schedule. MY SCHEDULE! When is the last time a person ever said THAT to me???!!! (I think it is safe to say that hasn't happened since before I had kids). At any rate, she can also babysit on the weekend, at night, too. Remember, hubby and I have not been out by ourselves since our anniversary last summer. I told her that; I could not contain my excitement. She is coming by on Monday so we can talk in person, and so we can see if this will not only work for her, but for my kids. Please, please, if you are the praying type, please say one for us that this is a good fit for our family. I would be able to work out during the day, instead of after hubby gets home, which means more time for the two of us during the week. And the plus there would be that I would feel better due to regular workouts, and hey I may actually get in shape again! Also, hubby and I being alone together again, and not only in this house....Well, that is a VERY good thing. I am so excited I can barely contain myself. What a blessing this would truly be!!!

***I have to leave you with this. S. said to hubby, during dinner no less, after hubby said "Excuse me." "What, daddy? Did you fart?" (Remember that he is only 4 years old.) I had to turn around, so he wouldn't see me laugh. I tell you sometimes those kids of ours make it all worthwhile!

Isn't MY Time Valuable Too???

Today I had to bring Tater Tot for a follow-up due to his asthma problem. Being that we've been to the doctor so often the last few months, I knew that Wednesday was Dr. Con's day. Now I really like her, but she is ALWAYS running late. In May, we were the first appointment of the day, and when we checked in, the receptionist said she wasn't even there yet. She made the comment like this was commonplace. (I soon found out it is.) The boys and I had to wait in the waiting room for approximately 15 minutes before Dr. Con even walked in! So when I had to make an appointment for Wednesday morning, I knew that I would have to wait some.

I did come prepared. I had bags of fishy's, as S. calls them, a sippy cup for Tot, books. You get the idea. However, there is only so much you can do when the wait turns out to be far longer than it has before. Guys, we were there so long that the next doctor came in for the afternoon shift! My appt. was at 11:20. It was 12:45PM before the second doctor even came in to see us. The boys were getting antsy, and I must admit that I was too! There was a 2 week old baby that was there due to catching the illness the older brother had. I have no problem with the baby being seen first, as I realize the possible problems that could pop up with a baby that young. But come on! The first appointment was only at 10:00. If it were the afternoon, I could understand more how she could have gotten backed up like that, but my appt. was for only 1 hour and 20 minutes after the very first one.

I think having the nurse or receptionist tell me that it is going to be awhile would have been nice. That way I'm aware of the situation, and don't expect her to walk in at any moment, and when she doesn't, get frustrated. If that was done, I would have at least felt like they cared. The nurse did manage to tell me I would be seeing Dr.Con., but I ended up seeing the male Dr.C. when he came in. I knew it was getting late when I saw him walk in! Now I know there were a lot of sick kids, but having experienced delays every time I see Dr.C whether it is the first appt. of the day or not, it's hard for me to believe it was simply because there were that many sick kids.

My question is, do doctors think our time is not as valuable as theirs??? I would never think of being 1 hour and a half late to an appt., at least without calling first. And we all know what would happen if we were that late, our appt. would be cancelled and have to be rescheduled. Why? Because we were late, and the doctor's time is valuable. There are other people waiting. I know this, I understand this. I'm also not talking about a 20 minute wait either. I expect that. But come on, one hour and 30 minutes??? Maybe I should leave my kids there next time and go out for a cup of coffee. Maybe then we'd get in sooner, because who wants to sit with kids who have been waiting THAT long. I knew I didn't.

If I'm This Hot Now, What Will Happen When I Hit Menopause?

I am always hot. Prior to babies and infertility drugs, I was ALWAYS cold. Hubby and I were constantly at odds over what temperature to set on our thermostat. I wanted it warmer, he wanted it colder. Never the two shall meet, or something like that. Then a phenomenon happened, I got pregnant. Ever since that fateful day, January 30 or 31st, 2002, I have been broiling! I must admit that being hot is better than being cold any day, especially since I live in the Midwest. Especially because I live in the Midwest THIS fall! Damn is it cold here lately!

This morning after I dropped S. off at preschool with his birthday snacks, I went inside our local White Hen Pantry to get a coke. Tot loves going in this store. I swear people were looking at me funny as I strolled in with my toddler son all bundled up, whereas I was dressed in a v-neck shirt with no coat to speak of. I'm not lazy, I'm just hot! It felt good getting out of the car and feeling the cold air. Has anyone else experienced this after having children???? I am beginning to worry, though. If this is how I feel in my early 30's, what the hell is menopause going to be like for me? I will tell you this much, I will not be retiring to Florida!

To Think We Went In Thinking All We Were Getting Was a Flu Shot!

I had one of those days that starts out just like every other day, but ends completely different. Not 'in a good way' different either. I took the kids to get their annual flu shots, and my only thought was how to get S. to not throw an 'I'm mad' tantrum afterward. As is often the case, that was not what I should have been worried about.

When the Doctor listened to the Tot's lungs prior to vaccination, I prayed the Tot wouldn't cough. He had a cold last week, but was pretty much over it I thought. I knew he was fine, and I wanted him to get the shot so he would be protected and then I wouldn't have to go back to the doctors AGAIN! With S.'s toenail issue, we have been to the doctor multiple times every month lately. Imagine my surprise when the doctor turns to me and says, "He's wheezing.", like haven't you noticed this lady??? I put the Tot down as the doctor started talking to me about what this meant. He had only begun talking when the Tot started fast-walking around the room. The doctor said to me,"Boy, does he have a lot of energy!" I said,"And I have TWO of them!" Diagnoses? Tot has asthma. Yep. No family history or anything that would make me suspect it. Apparently, it is the cold weather variety that gets aggravated when a virus and the cold hit it, or something like that. I had heard of this since I had a student with this condition. An ambulance had to be called at school because the kid had been playing football outside in the winter, and then found himself unable to breathe. Gave me a heart attack!

I stupidly went to Walgreen's thinking they had a nebulizer. Even though my doctor recommended the pharmacy in the building, I felt it would be better to go where I usually go since my insurance info. was on file there. I felt at the other pharmacy I would end up having to send the receipt in to be reimbursed, and I hate that. So Walgreens did not have one, even after calling three different Walgreens. Finally, the tech. was told they did not carry nebulizers anymore as they are considered 'medical supplies'. Great! So, yes, I ended up having to drive all the way back to my pediatrician's office comple and filling the prescriptions there too. And yes, I have to send the receipts in to be reimbursed. The pharmacist was wonderful though. He took me in his office and explained how to use the nebulizer. Unfortunately, S. was being a total pain! As I went to get him since he walked out of the office, he came back toward me, which knocked me into the corner of the pharmacist's shelving unit. The corner of it. Lovely.

Hubby came home a few hours early to help me give the Tot his treatment. It was good that he did as my boy is a fighter! We have to give him a treatment every 4 hours; even in the middle of the night. Welcome back to babyhood! We were told that we don't have to wake him up to give him a treatment. Yah, I'll let you know how that went!

A few hours later, I had to go to my yearly urologist appointment. (After my first laparoscopy, some damage was done to my bladder, so thanks infertility for that added bonus!) ANyway, I had been having a lot of problems this past summer. Just prior to visiting teachermom, I felt so bad that I feared I would have to cancel our trip there. Luckily, we were able to go. The point here is that my urologist thinks that I now have a disease called interstitial cystitis. We've suspected this for some time now so I had time to look up what it was and all, but now it appears this is what I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. So add another drug to the bunch that I already take! I tell you that I rival any elderly person in the amount of drugs I have to take!!! So I have my information booklet: Welcome to the world of interstitial cystitis. As if you thought you had enough medical conditions to deal with already. Today is your lucky day! You 'officially' have one more. And do you want to know the best part? I have to see the doctor again in 6 months because that is how long this medication may take to work. Well, 6 months is during hubby's busy time. Great.

Then I got to go back home and help give my baby another treatment. I had to see him cry and kick and scream, and look like we were trying to hurt him. Oh, there's my baby now. Looks like that Albuterol is making him hyper just like I said it would. We put him to bed almost 2 hours ago. It's going to be a long night. Oh, did I mention that I'm sick too????

Happy 4th Birthday, My Son

It's hard to believe that four years ago, I gave birth to our first child. And what a chunk he was! That child weighed in at a hefty 8 pounds, 10 ounces, and measured 22 inches long! So much for my doctor's prediction that he would be in the 7 pound range! He was almost two pounds heavier than I was at birth, but he is built so much like me now at the tender age of four. He also looks just like me, particularly as a child. I love that, I must admit!

S. has made our lives infinitely more chaotic, but definitely better. Some days he has so much energy that I have a hard time keeping up with him! He is definitely all 'boy'. He loves to wrestle with either mommy or daddy. He wishes that the Tot was big enough to wrestle; he wants to play with him all the time. S. also loves to run, help out in any capacity he can and he LOVES his books. He often can be found reading in his bed during quiet time. S. loves to talk, and his vocabulary is excellent! Some days he exhausts my patience, but on others he can get me out of any funk I may be in. He loves to hug, and he loves to tell us he loves us. We always tell each other how we feel. Hubby and I think it's very important for the boys to know they are loved.

S. has begun preschool this year, and boy does he love it! He seems to be doing well. When I volunteered to go on last week's field trip, I had to go inside the school and wait while they had their 'circle time' morning activities. He was able to sit on the circle almost the entire 20 minutes. His teachers tell me he plays well with others, and is a good student. S. will point out letters wherever we go. Jusy last week, while at Ann Taylor Loft, he pointed out all of the letters in their window. I was talking to one of my mom's friends at the time and she said, "He must be a teacher's son." I'm being honest when I tell you that I never pushed anything academic. I let him direct what and when he was ready to learn something new. And boy when he was ready, he was ready!

Hubby and I cannot believe he is already four years old. It's true what people tell you. The days are long, but the years are short. I will never regret my decision to stay at home with him. I got to see so much. He was my buddy; he went everywhere with me, and that's how I wanted it! When I was having such a hard time with my mom's death, he helped me to smile. And laugh. And believe that there was something in this world that was good. That even though my best girlfriend was dead, there was someone else who needed me too. Who loved me for me. Some days just being with him helped to lift my spirit and get through another day. So my son, always know that I love you with all of my heart and soul. I love you even when you yell, "MOM!!!!....." like a teenager! As I always say to you, no matter what you do or what you say, I will always love you. Nothing could make me stop. You are one of the two best things that I have ever done in my life. Your father and I created you, but you made us a family.

Onto Something Lighter

This is just another reason why I LOVE Targ*t: this table! I have been trying to find a reasonably priced, okay cheap, table for our kitchen. I had been looking for almost 6 months when I set eyes upon this beauty while shopping. S. confirmed that it indeed was a good table for our kitchen which is a little on the small side. Prior to buying this table, we were using the pine table back from hubby's apartment. That table was ten years old! Time to move on I say. This one suits us much better!

BTW, a big thank you to teachermom who told me about Quick shine! Our hardwood floors looked so good that our cleaning lady asked me today who I had come in and refinish our floors! They look awesome! Yes, I am attached to my hardwood floors. I'd have hardwood all over my house if I could afford it!

I Am Now Beginning To Post Responses To Comments Made Again Beginning With My Next Post, So Be Sure To Look:)

Thank You Everyone, and an Update On Liv

I cannot tell you all how touched I feel by your outpouring of support. It really made me feel so much better to read all of your well-wishes and prayers! I am grateful to each one of you.

First off, Teresa had her bone scan on Wednesday and has an appointment to go over the results as well as the treatment plan on Monday with her oncologist. Please send prayers her way that there is something they can do. That there is some new treatment that will put her into a quick, yet long-lasting remission.

Secondly, we received the results of Liv's test. She is still cancer-free!!!!!!! Picture formerteacher doing a happy-dance! She also has young children, and it did my heart good to hear that she will be able to be with them for a long time. It was also great news for her parents. To have had two children that have had to battle this disease is too much for any parent to deal with. However, having two children battling recurrences of that cancer would have been absolutely cruel. Daunting... Are there really any words to describe that?

So there it is. Really bad news and really good news with only a day between. Man, what a week! I continue to pray for Teresa and her entire family as this will not be an easy time for them, and I ask that you do the same. Thank you so much again!!!

No Matter How Many Times This Happens, I'll Never Understand

Today I got a phone call that I'd rather not have gotten. Almost 5 years ago my SIL's youngest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was going through treatment for the first time as my mom was going through treatment for the third time. Teresa was only 31 years old, and the mother of three. Her youngest was only 6 months old. Her little girl that she wanted so badly.

I assume most people know that the younger you are when diagnosed with this dreadful disease, the more aggressive it is. She had the finest doctors, and the best treatment, and it seemed like she had beat the cancer. She was so close to making that five-year mark. So close, but sadly she didn't make it. I must also tell you that the oldest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer two years ago at the age of 37. The only positive thing about that is that Teresa and Liv can have their tests done on the same day, so that they are not alone. Well, Liv was the one who was having pain in her chest. Teresa was showing no symptoms. They both went to their tests yesterday feeling hopeful. Liv is still waiting for her results, but sadly Teresa learned that her cancer has spread to more lymph nodes and is in her sternum. Just like my mom's was during her first recurrence. My brother and I talked, he has been really shook up. He feels it is so much like my mom. And we know too much. I hate to say this, and I know some of you will try to tell me I'm wrong, but Teresa is going to die. She is 36 years old with a recurrence in her bones. She is having a bone scan today to see the extent of the disease, but the cat scan already told them bad news. My mom lived 2 1/2 years after her recurrence, and she was 48 years old. Being only 36 doesn't make her survival rate any better.

I really like Teresa. I've known her since before my brother and his wife got married. She is so funny and vibrant. And loyal. I remember talking with her at my mother's wake. I told her that my mom was hoping that she would do well. When I looked at her in her wig with her pale chemo.-induced skin, she was crying. Because my mom, another breast cancer patient who she was close to, was dead. I can't even imagine how she made it to my mom's wake. I really can't, but she did.

And now it's her turn, and I am so sad to say that. Guys, she has a 10 year-old son, an 8 year-old son, and a little girl who is only 5 years old. Plus, I can't even imagine how her husband is doing knowing that he will have to raise those kids on his own without his soulmate. Teresa's BIL went to pick up her little 5 year-old daughter, and he said it hit him when he saw the little girl come running out of building smiling. He knew, he knew that her life was never going to be the same from this day forward. How do you grow up without a mom? How? Why is this even happening? I don't understand this. I believe, really believe, that God has a reason for everything He does, but I just don't know this one. I just keep seeing that little girl running with a smile on her face, oblivious to what is happening to her her mother. Just running, just being a little kid without a care in the world. Her world is about to be turned upside down, and i can only hope that she gets more time with her mother than the few years we got with my mom after her recurrence. I hope she can remember her mother well. I pray that her memories are good and they sustain her through the pain that will come when she is missing her mom.

I feel strangely numb. I've cried, because I'm just so sad this is happening. Excuse me while i go downstairs and play with my son. It's at these times that I am reminded what family means. How important it is to hug them and tell them how you feel. Please do that today, and maybe then there will something positive that came out of something so awful. Damn it!

My Mother's Garden

Three years ago I planted rose bushes in memory of my mom. I needed something physical that I could go see whenever I wanted. Something pretty. She loved roses! She loved the color pink, she thought the color was so feminine, and yellow was the color of the very first rose my dad ever gave to her.

I love flowers, and wish I could have a vase full of them on my table all year long. However, living in the tundra that is Illinois, I know that will never happen! So, I'll make sure I enjoy them while they last.

What a Husband Shouldn't Say

Well, what MY husband sholdn't have said today. Ah, what a fine late afternoon it was. It only got better as I heard the phone ring BEFORE 4:30PM, and then I saw my husband's cell phone number. I thought to myself, 'Hubby is going to be home early! This is so awesome! The Tot has a cold, and I tried some new cold medicine which made him hyper so he didn't nap. And S. wouldn't nap. Geez, am I tired and I DO NOT want to play the Duck, Duck Goose board game again!!! BUT HUBBY IS GOING TO HOME EARLY! EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE NOW!!!' Then I picked up the phone to learn that he was on his way to a bar to help congratulate his boss on some deal that finally went through. Yes, a BAR. ON A FRIDAY when I have been home with a sick baby, and a nap-less preschooler who is losing it. He said that he would only stay 10 minutes. Yah, right!

At 5:00 he calls to say he is leaving a bit late, but he's in the car. Only an hour until he gets home. I say I wish that I could go to a bar after work. Then I say, "it's 5:00, I thought you were leaving 15 minutes ago." Remember, sick kid and both kids are nap-less. Hang up phone. Decide that a little fresh air is in order. Tell kids we are going on a walk. They are happy. Get out new stroller from trunk and can't for the life of me get it open. Get the old, digusting, yet workable stroller out. Go on walk. Feeling bitter because if I want to go ANYWHERE, I have to get a sitter or make sure he's home. ANd half the time, I just bring the freakin' kids with.

I end up talking with a neighbor at the end of the block. SHe's in her fifties, and we just had a wonderful conversation. I even found out she had fertility problems; no, I did not tell her about mine. She just offered that up about why her kids are so close together. She also offered up about the resentment that built up in her after years of feeling taken for granted. She was a SAHM. SHe still has her husband and daughter asking what's for dinner, and depending on her for most things. What did she do? She decided to go from part-time work to full-time. Now, she says, they have to think for themselves because she's not there. Not a bad idea, eh? Definitely food for thought. I must have been talking to her for a long time, because out of the corner of my eye, I spot a silver mini-van pulling over. Hubby had worried I was cold, and went looking for me. (He knew we were taking a walk). WHatever the reason, he was being very nice. However, I am feeling taken for granted myself. I can't help but feel bitter here. And on the babysitter front, we thought we'd found one, I got excited, but it didn't happen. I'll elaborate next time.

The New Addition to Our Family

S. has wanted a sister for a very long time. I keep trying to explain to him that he is never going to have one, but you know the preschool set with their constant why questions. Is driving me nuts!
At any rate, my dad and his wife moved into their new home two weeks ago, and recently gave us a little present. Now remember I already have an 8 pound Shih-Tzu to take care of. Our very own diva! Anyway, he, the dog, was having a hard time acclimating himself to my dad's new house,

and was moping around. He is already 11 years old, and my dad feared he was going downhill. My dad brought him over on Friday since they were having their floors ripped up, and the dog came alive again. He seems to love my house with all of its loud craziness! The dog gave me this look, and I knew he was staying for good. It also helps that he was my mom's dog, and refused to leave her side when she was sick. I'm a sucker for loyalty, and a sucker for anyone who was so good to my mom. So, Casper stays....Why is he named Casper you ask? Mom brought him home on Halloween, and he was so friendly and all. My mom was NOT a dog lover, so this dog had to be special to make its way into my mom's heart!

S. was happy about Casper living with us, and even commented on how he knew Casper was a boy. (I think you can guess.) I told him, "It looks like you're never going to get your sister now, S." He replied, "That's okay mama." And with that the sister subject has not been brought up again. Although with the cost of grooming, feeding and maintaining two dogs, I probably should have had another kid!

Mom, Tracy, Laura, Rosemary and Now Diane, You Are My Heroes

Yesterday, we completed yet another of the annual Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Walks. These walks always make me feel like I have a piece of my mother right beside me. I feel her presence. I feel connected to thousands of people I do not know. It's weird how I can have a conversation with someone I have never met before, and probably will never see again. How we can get to the 'nitty gritty' of breast cancer and not bat an eye. Here it seems normal. I mean, doesn't everyone talk about the effects of chemotherapy or how awesome a wig so-and-so has? Yah, I didn't think so, but among these people it is. Sad, but true.

This year was so much different for me than last year. I felt like I was in a better place. On the way to the race, I shed a few tears. Remembering my mom and her awful battle with the disease always brings me to tears. However, my SIL and I talked about mundane things like home improvement projects while we were walking. Last year, I walked quietly talking it all in. I had just had the Tot a few months prior, and the sorrow about my mother never meeting him was with me. I was only beginning to gain a hold on the PPD demon that had struck my life. The pain I felt over losing my mother was still raw. I had never dealt with it before I got pregnant with the Tot. I foolishly assumed that his birth would take away the grief, the pain, that was losing my mother. She was gone only 2 weeks when I went back to the RE to talk about our 'game plan for baby #2'. And she was gone only 2 months when I started trying to have the Tot. I learned something that month. Clomid and grief, while raising a nine month old baby in the midst, well, they do not mix at all. So when you hear about facing your grief. Do it. Because it really is true that you can't go around your grief, you have to go through it. Oh, and if you try to take a nice little short-cut like I did....you may end up in a worse place than where you started. There are no short-cuts.

This race I did not constantly see my mom in pain. I did not see the room she had her chemo. in, in my head. I did not see her in her final days. I still don't understand God's purpose for this, but I have accepted that it happened and there had to have been a reason for it. What I did see was my mother back in 2000 at the Race for the Cure. I saw her in her pink survivor's shirt and hat. I saw her in the 'Survivor's' picture. I saw the pride on her face, the energy in her step, the strength in her body. I like thinking of her that way. I like seeing all of the women, and men, who have fought this disease and won. I like to see those people affected by this dreadful disease full of determination and fight. It is at times like these that I see where true strength lies. True strength isn't only on the exterior. Oh, no. It is that hardened determination to fight a disease that can, and does, kill. To fight it until you have nothing left. So Mom, Tracy, Laura, Rosemary and sadly now my friend Diane, you are my heroes. Even though you feared cancer and its side effects, you went on and fought with all you had. You never gave up. And even though cancer took my mom's life, the way she fought showed me how to fight. You fight until you can fight no more, and hopefully you are able to kick cancer's ass.

The Two Sides of Motherhood

Hubby and I have been revisiting the idea of hiring another sitter. My brain/mind knows this is the right thing for me to do. However, my heart believes that I should be able to take care of my children myself. That I shouldn't need help. The following is what goes on in my mind when I think about the topic of a sitter. I love bulleting, so I'll use it here. It's more organized, and I just love being organized!

• The first thing I think about is how I should be able to 'handle' taking care of my children. I mean generations of woman have done it!

Then I think about the fact that many women had help. They had family members that lived close by. I have no one. My mom is dead, my in-laws are not in the picture, my dad and his wife work, and my brother has his own three kids to deal with. Many women that I talk to have someone like that to help them. I do not, so hiring someone shouldn't make me feel weak. Admitting I need help is not a bad thing.

I tell myself that I could be saving money, or at least buying something I'd enjoy like the clothes I so desperately need, by not hiring a sitter.

Then I think what better way to spend money than to hire someone who will help me save my sanity. I was happier when I could go to the gym or even do errands sans kids. It will also allow hubby and I to have some time alone together which has not happened in over two MONTHS. That is a good thing for our marriage, thus it's good for our children.

• Who do you think you are? You are not rich, you are not part of 'that' crowd. What are you trying to prove?

I'm trying to prove that I need my sanity, and time away from my kids helps. It's only 8-10 hours a week. I'm with them all the remaining hours.

• S. is at preschool. You have five hours less time with him a week. That should help.

Yes, I have five hours less with S., but I still have Tater Tot. Plus, it's only FIVE hours less. That's not a whole bunch.

And the list goes on... I essentially feel a lot of guilt over wanting a sitter. The truth is that I could take care of my children myself, I just am not a happy person when I do not receive any breaks. My unhappiness affects my children, I'm sure, and it definitely affects my husband and my relationship. His work hours are never going to get less. I have listened to him tell me that things will slow down after ( x, y, z ), and it never does. Just yesterday, he told me that he had a meeting on Thursday at 5PM. This is my workout night. Remember, I feel so much better after I work out. It is very important, and something I can only manage to do two times a week lately. Well, now it's down to one day this week. That isn't going to cut it. Again. I'm not mad at hubby or his work, it's just the situation that I am mad at. I am always the one who has to change my plans. I'm a stay at home mom, so my time isn't a priority. My time is more flexible, and it doesn't pay the bills, so I have to change. I only wonder how in the hell I'm going to go back to work? Hubby goes on business trips, usually out of the country, works long hours and basically can't be depended on to be able to make it home at a predetermined time. Like yesterday, a meeting was called at the last minute. Of course, he had to go, it's his job. I am just beginning to wonder when it will be MY turn. And the truth is, I don't ever think my turn will come.

I Highly Recommend Melissa & Doug Products...

We had a small problem with ONE block in a set of blocks we purchased on Amazon.com. The company who makes them is Melissa & Doug. Last week, I was e-mailed a survey askeing me to rate the product. I wrote about the ONLY problem I had. Two days later, I have a representative from Melissa & Doug calling me to inquire about the problem, and the result was they are going to send me a whole new set! I thought maybe they'd send me one block or tell me how to fix it, but no. The man, Fran, seemed very concerned about my being satisfied with their product. Guys, I never expected anything to result from my survey comment. I really didn't. Them giving me free stuff actually made me feel guilty. I mean it was only ONE block. However, I will tell you this. I am definitely going to buy more Melissa &Doug products, and highly recommend them to you. Obviously, they take care of their customers and their customer service is first rate!

My First Baby

It's hard to believe S. is almost four years old, and in preschool! As I drove up the first time, I thought I'd have no problem. I mean, I had been looking forward to this day for a long time, and so had he! However, emotions are a funny thing. They sneak up on you in ways you never expected. As I, in my van, waited in the line of other cars I felt something in my throat. That's odd, I thought. I'm not going to be one of those parents. You know, the ones who can't seem to cut the cord already! Then I started to remember my little boy. I remembered seeing him for the first time, how inept I was at being a mom in the beginning, how it was just the two of us after my mom died and hubby went back to work. It was always the two of us. He became my buddy, my best friend. There were times when I only wanted to be around him. He didn't 'expect' me to snap out of my pain, nor put on a huge show of how wonderful everything was. With him, I was free to be who I really was at that time. He just wanted his mommy close by. He just wanted mommy to play with him, or sing and dance with him. Sometimes I had to turn on the radio so I wouldn't lose it and cry over missing my mom. S. to this day, still loves music. And now the Tot does too. They both dance when they hear music on.

So, the first day of organized schooling caught me a bit off-guard. I know that S. can be difficult at times, but the truth is this boy has changed my life in the best ways possible. He has made me a better person. Thus, as I try to mold him into a caring, respectful, intelligent, and confident young man, he is doing the same to me. I definitely am more confident, loving and empathetic, and I have my first baby to thank for that.

***Teachermom, notice how there is no date on the picture of S. Thought you'd like that:)

Something Good Did Come Out of It

Last night, before my period finally arrived, hubby said he had a surprise for me. I thought maybe a candy bar or the like, which would have been sweet. When I turned around, hubby had these new Sony headphones for my MP3 Player. My old ones allow all sorts of noises to come through, so I have to turn it up louder to hear the music. This one blocks out extraneous noises, so I don't lose my hearing as a result of turning the music up so loud.

When he gave it to me, I said,"Oh, you feel bad, don't you?" He kind-of smiled, and said,"No... (unconvincingly)...I was going to give it to you for Christmas and I couldn't wait." He knew how bad me being pregnant and subsequently giving birth would be for all of us.

Later, when I got my period, we laughed and I said,"Yah, if I had been pregnant, I would have told them to just wheel me off to the pysch. unit. No use in sending me home." Hubby then said,"Well, they're both on the second floor. They'd just have to wheel you to the other side. Hey, maybe THAT'S why the maternity and psych. unit are on the same floor." Yah, because maybe I'm not the only one who loses her mind after having kids.

The big lesson learned here is that the hubster needs to go have that ol' semen analysis done. It's been two months since the big V. It's time. And THIS TIME when I mentioned that to hubby, he didn't get all snippy, and 'When am I going to find the time' on me. Nope. This time he said, "Yah, I do." And he WILL. This I know.

Answers

It appears, like MB said, my cycle must just be changing. Four days late. I broke down and bought a test, almost bought the ovulation prediction test, and took it. Result? No second line, which apparently means I am not pregnant. The reason I say it like that is that my fav. HPT, First Response, has now put a label right ON the stick with a diagram showing what one line looks like and that it equals not pregnant and vice-versa. How dumb do they think we are?! At any rate 3 hours after I took said pregnancy test, I finally got my period. Like I said before, me buying a pregnancy test is simply wasted money. So glad to be almost $15.00 poorer. Yes, I bought the two pack. What a damn moron am I! (I AM a relieved moron, though.)

***To add insult to injury, I just went on Old Navy.com to order a pair of jeans I tried on the other day, in my size. They didn't have my size in the length I need. I am 5'4", which puts me on the border between petite and normal. This has always caused me problems! At any rate, I figured it would be no big deal to order them online, but alas, I was wrong! So now that I am definitely not pregnant and can officially buy a new pair of jeans, but wait, I can't! Can I catch a break here! By the way, yet I am beyond relieved, I feel kind-of stupid. Why would I think that I, infertile mrytle, could actually get pregnant by having sex with my husband. What was I thinking!

Missed Period, Questions

Good Morning! I am about 3-4 days late. Yep, late. As in going to be the bathroom, please let my period start, late. Now I have shared our infertility story here several times. We are about as infertile as infertile can be. Hubby even had a vasectomy in July. Now he has not produced a sample to be tested yet, but his sperm never got me pregnant before, so we pretty much aren't concerned. Yes, we had unprotected sex. At what I think was ovulation time. To give you more info. than you'd like, I had EWCM, wow it's been awhile since I've used infertility acronyms! I also tend ot be more 'in the mood' around that time, which we affectionately coined as sex week. Now if we were a normal fertile couple, I'd tend to believe that there was a chance I was pregnant, but we're not, so I doubt that. I must say, though, I'm kind-of scared here guys. I have never missed a period unless I had a cyst or was pregnant. Those cysts always came as a result of taking fertility drugs. Obviously, I am NOT taking any fertility drugs! I joked with hubby yesterday about the urologist 'fixing' things down there instead of cutting them. We had a good laugh about that. Hubby asked if he should run out and get a pregnancy test just to be 'sure', but I told him I didn't want to waste the money. Besides, I shouldn't even be having to think about pregnancy tests. So no test, no money wasted. We both didn't sleep well last night.

Hubby even called this morning, and wondered if things had started this morning. He asked the nicest way possible. It is kind-of funny for the both of us to be hoping my period starts when for years it was the opposite. As hubby said, if I were pregnant, it was definitely because a higher power wanted for it to be.

I really doubt that I am pregnant. Really. However, if I am I'm a little pissed because we went through so MUCH to get pregnant with the boys, and now that it would not be a good idea? POOF! I have come to terms with being a mom of boys. Am enjoying the boys even more now that they are getting older. I have finally gotten to a place with my body. It's okay, not great, but okay. In a few years I am going back to work. The light is there at the end of the tunnel. Why not let an infertile woman get pregnant. I certainly know how that feels.

***So question to woman who normally have regular, very regular cycles who were late once or twice and NOT pregnant. What was the reason you were late?****Question to ALL women who might know: What are reasons I could be late??? I'm not particularly stressed, no more than usual. I haven't lost a bunch of weight. I did start a new medication for my bladder aroung the time of ovulation. I have not exercised excessively. There has to be a reason! I don't feel like having to call my doctor up to have an ultrasound to check for cysts, or have a blood test to check my hormones. I am SO HAPPY to not have to go to the doctors anymore!!!

So please, anyone, why could I have missed my period??? Hopefully in a few hours I'll be able to post that my period came and the all is right again!!!

The Little Embryo That Could..and Did! (Posting late because blogger isn't letting me post pictures and I have finally given up!)

Two years and one day ago, I found out I was pregnant with the Tot. You know, the IVF cycle that never looked that great. And not only was I pregnant with one baby, I was pregnant with TWO!!! My levels were so high, my RE and the embyrologist thought that all three embryos had taken. We showed them! To think they about counted us out. Shame on them. Really, though, we were beginning to think the same.

I was so excited! Secretly, I had taken an HPT that I had left over from another cycle. I took it the Monday before the beta was going to be taken, which was a Wednesday. It instantly showed two pink lines. It showed a positive so fast that I thought the test must be defective. Off to Target I went!

Tuesday, I got the same result. I began to think that maybe I really did have a chance. Hubby wouldn't believe it until the doctor told us.

The ironic thing is that hubby ended up getting the stomach flu from the S., and stayed home from work that day. He was home when Dr. S. himself called with the good news. He also told me my HCG number was 479 !!! So my levels were already in the 200 range when I had taken my first HPT. No wonder it turned positive and dark right away! I remember the Dr. also saying to me,"You're thinking multiples with a number that high, aren't you? I am too." Hubby walked by our room that I was in, peeked his head in, and I gave him a shake of my head, and a thumbs up I believe, to tell him the news. How romantic! How did you tell your husband that you were pregnant? I shook my head yes. Well, I WAS on the phone at that point trying to get all the information. Two days later, I was throwing up. Hubby and I were worried about high order multiples at that point. I mean, getting sick at barely 4 weeks pregnant....does that EVEN happen??? But as weird things had been happening to us for awhile, we surely didn't count it out. Turns out I had gotten that lovely stomach flu strain. What fun that was!

I did end up getting morning sickness that was a lot worse than with my older son. That and a bruised ass from all of the progesterone injections. Worth every. single. bruise though.

I still have ultrasound pictures of the two babies. Those are bittersweet. I tend to look only at the ones of the Tot. I also have the petri dish they were conceived in, as well as the pictures of all three beautiful embryos. How many kids can say they have pictures of themselves at literally three days old?! That is a cool thing about IVF. What a wonderful day September 15, 2004 was! We found out about our Tot, and nine months later our family was complete.

You Know You're a Mom When...

your 1 year-old chews on your Coach purse handle and instead of thinking,'Oh, no. It'll be ruined now!' you think,'Oh, good! That'll give me 5 minutes of peace.'

A Brief Remembering of 9/11

So much has already been said about 9/11/01, probably better than I myself could say it, so I'm just going to use bullets to write about what I remember about that day. Background info., I was teaching 4th grade still and had no babies at that time.

• Heard about the first plane hitting the first tower while driving to work. Honestly believed that the plane must have made a mistake, such as flying too low.
• Just minutes after I walked into the teacher's lounge, I saw the second tower being hit, and instantly knew that was no mistake, we were under attack.
• Verbally said that I believed Osama Bin Laden was to behind it.
• Had to go upstairs to my classroom. Saw my fellow 4th grade teacher had her television on in her room. Her husband is an American Airlines pilot stationed in Miami, where the planes originated from. He also was set to fly to the east coast that morning; a very normal thing for him to do. She could not reach him by phone, and could not verify that he hadn't been the pilot of one of the planes. She was beyond numb and worried.
• Turned my tv off before the kids arrived.
• Talked about it with my students; probably more than I should have. I felt talking about it would help, because even the kids who didn't hear about it before school, would surely hear about it before they went home.
• Our principal went to every classroom telling us not to turn on our televisions, and not to talk about what happened. Parents were called and told they could pick their child up if they wanted to. Only one of my students was picked up early.
• Our school was on lock-down. No going outside to recess even though it was a gorgeous day. Try explaining THAT to the kids when you weren't supposed to be saying anything in the first place!
• Watched coverage at lunchtime with all the other staff members. It was completely quiet in the lounge except for that tv.
• Went home, and all I remember was when I got home there were no television stations that weren't broadcasting about the attacks. I talked to my mom I think.
• Hubby and I went out and bought an American flag and immediately put it up.
• Hubby had a business trip scheduled for the next day. I thought and hoped they would cancel it because I couldn't imagine not being able to set my eyes on him each night. Planes were discontinued, but he could travel by car.
• Giving my hubby my car, his car was having minor problems, because I wanted him to be as safe as he could be.
• We were supposed to have an Open House Night at school/work the next night. The board decided it should go on as planned.
• Walking into the school seeing the words God Bless America on a banner in front of the main entrance. Thought to myself, 'this is a public school. We aren't supposed ot have any mention of God in or near the school. No one complained.
• All of the area hospitals had cancelled their non-essential surgeries for a day or two. I thought, 'Great. I'm supposed to have my surgery on Friday to see why I can't get pregnant! Everything always goes wrong! I'm never going to have a child! Now I can't even adopt because of the state of the world! (Immediately felt guilty for thinking of myself.)
• My mom found out her cancer was back that week.

God bless all of those who died for our country. God bless the families and friends left behind. Most of all God Bless America!

I'm Just Wondering

Last week I went into my local convenient store to buy a fountain coke. Upon going down the candy aisle, hey last week was a bad one, I saw something I don't understand. There, across from the candy, was a section devoted to S*mmers Eve douches. I ask you, when is a woman going to need to purchase a douche at a time when her local grocery store or drugstore isn't open? I mean, really. At 2AM, have you ever had the NEED to feel fresh...right.....now???

Just Plain Weird!

Last night, and into this morning, I had the weirdest set of dreams. So weird, in fact, that when I got up I had to hug my husband.
In this dream, or nightmare more like, my husband who was my boyfriend only, broke up with me. We had been together eight years, and had even begun living together. I was having a very hard time with this, and my mother was the one comforting me. She even took me to get my hair done, and sat and talked with me. I discussed all of the things that I was going to miss about him, even sex. I felt so incredibly lonely! I talked about spending eight years with him, and not being so young anymore. That most people were married at my age, so how was I ever going to find someone else?
And then at the end, it turned out I was wrong. He was just mad at me; he hadn't broken up with me at all. I was so relieved and happy. I woke up feeling very unsettled. I liked talking with my mom, but the rest of the dream was awful. That creepy feeling has lingered.

Feeling Burned Out By My Job

Poor S. slammed his big toe in the back door on Saturday when daddy was with him. We thought all was fine, but S. complained about how much it hurt him, and then showed me that the nail was becoming detached. This was yesterday. I called the doctor pronto, as my son generally does not ask to go to the doctor. I brought him in today and was given instructions on how to clean and take care of it. The nail was still attached enough that the doctor didn't want to pull it off. She felt that it may turn black and fall off itself, which if it does, would end up being far less painful than her pulling it off as it was today. S. was fantastic at the doctor. Even the doctor and nurse commented on his behavior. Yah, I was proud! Then we left.

It just seems that having two kids means more whining and screaming and just noise in general. I foolishly though it would be a nice reward to take S. to get his favorite lunch: a toasted plain bagel with peanut butter on top. Yah, my kid thinks fruit is a dessert item too. Oh, and he turned down an offer by hubby for McDonald's on the weekend. I'm sure this will all change as he gets older! Anyway, something didn't go his way, and he threw himself on the floor and loudly cried. I was having trouble carrying everything, including the Tot, and then I had to deal with that. Shame on me for trying to make him happy.

I just have hit a wall recently. I love my children with all my heart, but to be honest, I'm not happy staying home anymore. Now yes, there are days when I count my blessings that I could be there for a certain event or when one of the kids learns something new. It is great to be able to see it the first time it happens. But I have been doing this for four years. Putting myself last. If hubby works late, then I work late. By the end of the day, I am tired and could use an extra pair of hands. Don't you have a babysitter, you ask? Not anymore. She had the gall to get a teaching job...I am really happy for her, but she was an incredible help! As I've said before, my hubby works very long hours, which are going to get longer now that the summer is over. I am drained. I come last. I feel invisible. I feel like I have no identity that is my own. I am someone's mother, and someone's wife. And while I am so happy to be both those things, I long to have something that is just mine. Something that gets my juices flowing again.

As it is now, if I want to go to an event I have to pack the kids and take them with me. Which doesn't seem so bad until you take into account how freakin' long it takes to get everyone ready and out of the house. I do have things I attend that have child care, and that is so wonderful. But like I said, it is an all morning production to get out of the door. I am also extremely organized. Everything that can be done the night before is done. Clothes out, bag packed, heck I even have their breakfast layed out ready to add milk to and mix up. Sippy cups are even filled with milk so I can just hand it to them while I unload the dishwasher, and try to eat something myself, and then get ready. So I don't know how to make my mornings go any smoother.
And tonight, Hubby and I are going to a parenting class at our church, where they also have childcare for the babies and classes for the kids. S. LOVES it! However, Hubby will have to meet me there at 6:45. Which means I am in charge of getting everyone fed, ready, packed and out the door, as well as to their respective classrooms while at the same time making sure that I ate something, oh, and hoping that I make it to my class on time without smelling bad because I have sweat so badly.

Sorry to gripe. I just had to get this out. I know hubby was oh so happy to hear it earlier. I want a date with my husband, I want a reason to dress nicely again. I want to be respected. The problem is how do I make it happen?